Last night I passed out drunk in my garden and threw up in my daughters potty.

[StrongTeaHotShower]

I'm really scared I might be developing a problem. I'm getting so drunk at least 2-3 times a week and on the days in between I'm still drinking, just not to excess.

The problem is I don't want to stop drinking completely, just to be able to regulate my intake.

I called AA and might try to go to a meeting next week but I know they encourage zero alcohol and honestly I can't imagine life without it. Can people just learn to cut down without giving it up completely?

Slightly different but I'm the same with food. It obviously doesn't have completely the same detriment that drinking does but reading up on food addiction a lot of what you said about boozing relates to me. I cannot moderate. If I eat a bar of chocolate I always then have food. When I go out social things seem better when I know good food is involved. I'm an all or nothing. I can't just eat one sweet I'll eat the bag. I know it's an issue. You say you don't want to give up drinking as it's fun. It really sounds like you don't want to. Or you can't. An alcoholic isn't the person in the park sneaking a drink out of a water bottle it's your average Joe. I think a lot of the time there's a very negative stereotype and no one wants to be linked to that but alcoholics come in many shapes and sizes.

I think the answer is to give up. At least for a while to determine if you can. If you miss it, crave it then you know you have a problem and can work on it.

You're not alone. Speak to your dh. But you need to do something. Throwing up isn't normal. ☕️

Please come and join us on the Brave Babes Battle Bus thread in relationships. Nothing but support on there.

I often feel a bit tightly wound in the evenings and sometimes I have a beer and it relaxes me. This might be a hopelessly deluded suggestion but have you considered doing a workout when you get home and feel that yyou can't relax. I always feel more relaxed (mentally) after a work out and although I 've never passed out in the garden I do think that I've used exercise as a crutch, or a substitute for a relaxant. Good luck. I hope you get to a better place.

Op I've been in mumsnet for years but have never once posted before. I'm making my first ever post to tell you to be careful about taking comfort from your LFT if they come back normal. I did that.

I was drinking less than you describe - I had moved to having 2 or 3 alcohol free days a week for a few years and I never drank to being very drunk as I hated that. But I would have had two or three large glasses of wine 4 to 5 evenings a week and more if I was out for a long time at a wedding or a bbq etc

My LFT were normal so I was happy. Less than two years later I suddenly became very ill - my LFT were through the roof I was jaundiced and very unwell. My consultant said that it was undoubtedly the alcohol - the 14 unit safe limit is there for a reason. My friends were astonished. I was the one who never ever got really drunk, always switched to the water for the last hour or two

So many things you have said ring true with me. I can't imagine a life without alcohol, I enjoy it, etc
Even though I was very ill I wondered how I would adjust to this new life. I couldn't believe I was worrying about an alcohol free life when I was lucky to still have a life but I was. But I got there. The biggest issue wasn't the parties etc - it was the evenings at home after a long stressful day. Change your routine. Go late night shopping. Cook if you normally don't or dont if you normally do, go for a walk, anything but just change the routine. I promise you eventually it will become the new norm. DH still drinks but I worked out my risk time was pre 9pm so he never opened a bottle til after that. Now he can open it any time he likes - I just don't mind. And that's just over a year later.

Just don't end up like I did - wondering if you are going to leave your kids without a mum because you thought normal LFT meant you could continue and the 14 unit limit was for people who were boring and / or over anxious

Good luck. I know you can do it. I did and you can

Gosh, I was where you are a few years ago.

Then one day I just decided not to buy anymore alcohol.

I have to say, it was a daily struggle at first to ignore the thoughts of wanting a drink at various points in the day. But that just made me realise I had a problem. By all means, go to a support group to get you through it if you can't ignore those feelings.

But, it did not take long for these thoughts to subside as I changed my routine. It was very freeing. No more shameful thoughts the next day, no more silly things said or done. I was less tired too - sleep is much better and deeper without alcohol on board. Everything improved. Everything.

Routine needs to change, but you can do it and feel sooooo much better about yourself healthwise and mentally. I think you need to see it as a weight dragging you down - especially the physical side effects and the sense of shame. Just let it go. Make sure you have a different routine - maybe a hot choc or a bath to look forward to instead of a drink.

You can do it. You'll feel much better for it.

It's good you have started to admit the reality of your situation.

You love alcohol so much and can't bear the thought of not having alcohol in your life.

That's not a healthy relationship, that's an addictive relationship.

You are risking a lot to carry on your love for drink. You say you fear someone at work smelling alcohol on you. What would happen? Because a patient would have no reason to pussy foot around it. If an HPC stank of alcohol, I'd report it on the way out, no question. And I suspect most people would feel the same.

Complaining would be the right thing to do, to keep myself and others safe.
And I'd have little concern about the consequences for that persons career, as that person isn't valuing their own job or other people. It's crossing an unacceptable line. Health care professionals are in a position of trust. Their competence can be the only thing standing between life and death. So alcohol is a very big deal.

But you're risking that every time you smell of stale alcohol, which will be coming from your pores. Not just your mouth....

I'd suggest you deciding this risk is an acceptable part of drinking, well, it shows how skewed your relationship with alcohol has become...

Last year I attended a lovely wedding , it was the wedding of my OHs late partner's daughter who was also my good friend.
She was 46 when she died, like you she at one time had a respected professional job until she became so erratic she eventually got fired for turning up smelling of booze and poor attendance. Her daughter hadn't grown up with her because she was taken into care because of her addiction fuelled neglect. She had liver disease that led to multiple organ failure , it was an ugly way to die.

People are using the word alcoholic but she like you never saw herself that way, she was pretty and clean and was working for a long time and she genuinely couldn't or wouldn't see that her every action was controlled by her need to drink. She needed to know where her next drink was coming from and planned her life around that next drink. If she didn't know she'd get irritable or twitchy at best. She didn't just damage her own life she damaged her kids until they were removed and when she later met my (now) partner who loved her dearly it was too late.

I lost count how often I took her to a&e if he was working , I recall sitting waiting to be seen and warning them she'd been having petit mal all day and was heading for a grand mal (yes the heavy drinking also gave her epilepsy ) they said we'd have to wait for triage .....she ended up having a full fit in the middle of a crowded a&e.

She was bright, pretty, loved her kids, had a wicked sense of humour and both I and my OH dearly miss her .......but you and she are no different. She gave all the excuses you did, picked her friends by whether they Would excuse her drinking (I was the exception .....I drink but a spell of working in bars put me off it , it's far easier to see the damage drink does to people and their health and relationships when you are sober and working not drinking with them so now I barely touch it )

If calling it alcolism allows you to deny it because you see it as the stereotypical wino then simply say drink controls your life and you want to be the one in control and to be around to see your daughter grow up. Take back your life .....your daughter deserves better than what you are currently giving her as a life.

Hum.

If you were less involved with alcohol, I would say that yes, it is possible to cut down - but your subsequent posts have shown that you are VERY involved with alcohol.
If you aren't an actual alcoholic (and this is very open to debate) then you are very close to being one.

I have a friend, still a friend, who was in your sort of situation re. drinking alcohol - she used to drink to a point of oblivion whenever we went out, often becoming quite aggressive (she never remembered this), and would usually have wine with her evening meal, maybe only one or 2 glasses when no one else was there, but she felt she "needed" it to "wind down" after her stressful work day.

Needing it is a bad sign in itself.
Being unable to regulate yourself is another bad sign.

Anyway, said friend woke up one morning with some bad cuts to her face - her mother phoned me to ask who had hit her, had it been me? Or someone else? No, no one had hit her - she'd fallen flat on her face walking up her garden path after I'd dropped her off at home, but was so drunk, she hadn't even registered that she'd fallen.

She went to the GP as soon as she could get an appointment, and had bloods done (yes, LFTs can indicate incipient liver damage, as can a full blood count - changes to the red blood cells can be due to alcoholic damage) - no damage obvious, but the GP had a very stern word about her drinking habits, and she did take it all on board and cut down.

BUT. Just because she managed it, doesn't mean you will. My friend was single, no responsibilities to other dependants - you're not. Your drinking could have very serious consequences for more than just you - and you know this.

I understand you don't want to stop - you're not at that point yet. But think about what it will take for you to REACH the point you realise you need to stop - your DD falling ill, you not being able to help her? You causing an accident in the home? You staying out all night? Your DH deciding he's had enough of it? You cracking it with your DD and doing something that harms her? Starting to drink earlier and earlier? Losing your job because of your drinking?

All of these are possible, and even probably if you continue on your path.

I don't think you should join the non-drinking threads if you are still drinking - it's kind of like joining a weight-loss thread when you're already at your best weight, you still get to enjoy doing what everyone else on the thread can't. It's a bit rude. Join the threads when you've stopped drinking, they'll support you to the hilt, but not so much while you're still in denial and still drinking.

Alcohol dependency comes in many forms. If you need half a shot of vodka every day to cope, then yes you're an alcoholic. By the sounds of it you're drinking daily and getting bladdered 2-3 times a week.
You state you cannot imagine your life without alcohol.
Yes. You're an alcoholic.
Hate to break it to you. Don't cut down. Stop before you damage your DD

Keep talking on here because it will help you work through what you want. I understand that the realisation is painful and there will be pain as you address it but that pain will pass and you will be stronger in the end. I know it doesn't feel like it right now but you are doing well, you are coming to terms with the fact that you have a problem and that's the first step.

Be kind to yourself. Beating yourself up will bring you down and will make it harder to resist the lure of something that makes you feel better. It wasn't alcohol for me but my addiction pattern was the same as yours. The hardest thing was when I realised it was a massive problem. Once I dealt with that, the next step felt more natural.

Take care. You deserve more than this.

Thanks, I've just caught up with the thread.
Selfishly it's the physical damage posts that are sticking with me. Every twinge on my right side is upper epigastric pain!

I've called AA again and am going to attend an evening meeting.
Thumbwitch I seen your point entirely.

OP- did you stop drinking when you were pregnant? If so, you did it for your baby for 8 (ish) months so can you do it for her again now?

There is no shame in being addicted to a psychologically and physically addictive substance. It happens to some people, and yet it is socially acceptable so society sees those people as having some sort of moral failing because they can't "handle it". Nobody would be surprised if you started off as a social smoker and found yourself unable to quit. That's how most smokers start. It is not your fault that you are one of those people, but you can do something about it. Good luck

Yes, gave up completely during pregnancy and cut down massively for 18 months of breastfeeding.

I wish I could harness that power again.

Let me be more clear though - I think it would be absolutely fine to join the non-drinking threads as soon as you make the decision to stop drinking, even if you don't always stick to it immediately - but not to join while you're still regularly drinking, I hope that makes sense? Don't want to put you off joining them entirely, they're immensely supportive!

You can do it OP. You did it for your DD and she is still as dependent on you as she was then. She needs you to be there for her in every way and you know that. Is your DH co-dependent? Would he be able to support you ?
I regard myself as a "normal" drinker and I have an average of 2 small glasses of wine a week with a meal ( bottle shared between 3 over 2 days) plus the occasional small glass of whisky on average 2 or 3 times a month. I really enjoy my drinks but not the feeling of being "out of control" I should add that I did drink more than was good for me as a student and I now regard that as a valuable learning experience and myself as lucky I did not become dependent or come to any harm.
Seeing people you care about drink themselves silly is not much fun -- they are the only ones having fun! It's a purely physical thing probably caused by a congenital allergy and if you had a life threatening reaction to peanuts you wouldn't be taking the risk of having peanuts with your wine.
You are able to do this so please get expert help. There's so much more in the world than the poisonous substance we call alcohol

OP, there is also Addaction; which does offer you the choice between abstinence and cutting down (although many Addaction service users realise that total abstinence is what they need). You will be given a key worker who will discuss your options and thoughts on this, and will help you set goals.

I also highly recommend a programme called Intuitive Recovery, which explains addiction in a very matter-of-fact manner while being completely non-judgemental. Basically, the more you use alcohol/drugs, the more your brain 'elevates' them as a survival need. Eventually, the addiction becomes a priority over other basic human needs, like sex, socialisation and eventually even food. Good luck OP.

Well done for calling AA again It might be useful to think about what got you into this mess in the first place? Excessive drinking is often a symptom of deeper problems.

You mention that work is stressful. Is there any way to take the pressure off here, perhaps making changes to the family budget and working less hours? Also, you said your daughter has high needs. Are both you and her getting the correct type of support?

Please take all the help you can get, don't let things spiral from here.

You may not feel like you're an alcoholic but you sound like you lean very heavily on it, and to me that sounds like alcoholism.

My mum was an alcoholic and it started similarly to what you've said about yourself. My siblings and I were taken into care and things were never the same for her. She sought help but never stuck to any of it, the alcoholism caused massive health problems. By the age of 46 she'd had a number of strokes, she was paralysed and couldn't speak other than I think 1 word (a totally random and bizarre word). Yesterday was 18 years since she died and I'm still utterly heartbroken that she couldn't/wouldn't help herself enough so that we could have a mum.

Don't cut down, cut it out properly with help. You don't need alcohol to live. Be strong, you've got this! You recognise you have a problem and that's the first step to turning things around. Be honest with yourself.

I keep non alcoholic beer in, then, when the kids are driving me mad, I can flounce of to the fridge at any time of day for a 'beer'. I feel like I'm getting a break/treat, I love beer..always have, and it's low calorie too!

My former neighbour had a boyfriend who "wasn't an alcoholic". He could go weeks or months without a drink. Then he'd drink and drink until he couldn't stand. They'd manage to lock themselves out of the house frequently (we had a spare key). They used to have loud, drunken rows. Sometimes you'd see him lurching up the road to the off-license to get a "top up."
Sadly, last year, he was "tipsy" having been out drinking since 11am. He got to her house late afternoon and decided to go to the pub to meet his mates. Coming home he went to cross the road, changed his mind and gestured to the driver to pass, then ran out in front of the car behind. He died.

Please get help.

I don't think you're developing a problem , I reckon you actually have one .
Please join AA or similar and take professional advice