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Original poster

Really worried I handled this badly... 'fat' comments and DS

334 replies

LeadTheWay · 12/08/2016 16:25

Quick background - After having ds2 I was quite over weight, I've been eating very healthily and running alot and dropped over 4 stone. I still have a bit to lose but only about another stone or so. I've had a lot of support from my family and my husband, so my children been aware I'm trying to be healthier and want to lose weight and have been really interested in knowing about healthy foods etc.

So today I was out with my 5 yr old DS1, we passed a lady who was very obese - as we passed her, and really were very close, DS1 said really loudly to me - 'Mummy why is that lady so very, very fat - that can't be good for her heart or bones'. He said it very matter of fact, rather than in a nasty way ifkwim. She obviously heard and I felt awful so I said 'I'm so sorry, he really didn't mean that like that - I've been trying to lose weight so we've had a lot of conversations about health and fitness things - I'm so sorry'. I admit this wasn't probably a great or very eloquent response but I was caught of guard. She just snapped 'maybe you should teach him some fucking manners instead'. I was a quite taken back and just said 'I'm sorry but please I don't think that language is necessary - he's five, he didn't mean it as an insult'. At which point Ds piped up 'you could go running with my mummy'. We hurried off at this point, but as I looked back I am sure this woman was crying.

I've been there where I've felt people's looks and comments and it hurts - I feel terrible. I know she shouldn't have sworn but I think she was just really upset. We were in a very public place and a number of people must have heard the exchange.

I had a really long chat with DS about appropriate comments etc and being respectful of how everyone is different, but can't shake the feeling I should have handled it differently and cannot shake the image of her crying.

I want to go back and say sorry.

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/08/2016 23:53

Exactly Worra

People embark on unhealthy behaviours for many reasons and to insinuate they don't know it's unhealthy is pretty insulting.

They choose to do it for whatever reason and if it doesn't affect anyone else then nobody had the right to comment. Fwiw if I had been the woman and was having a bad day I may have reacted in the same way

Alisvolatpropiis · 12/08/2016 23:53

Plenty of people know the guidelines for food/drinking/smoking/drug taking and do not follow them, for whatever reason.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/08/2016 23:54

And if the OP comes back - how come your DS knows so much about diet and exercise but doesn't know that you don't say things like that to people?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/08/2016 23:56

Or was the woman supposed to think 'shit that's why I'm so fat, must thank this gobby child for telling me' - now I can really sort myself out Hmm

bumsexatthebingo · 12/08/2016 23:57

Tbh once it was said I don't think there was anything you could have done really. It's unfortunate but young kids do sometimes say what they see. I think the woman was out of order to swear in front of your ds. I've had kids ask me if I've been pregnant when I haven't (but haven't lost the gut from a previous pg) and it was a little upsetting because I knew they were right and that's what it looked like but I wouldn't swear in front of a child.

Helloitsme88 · 12/08/2016 23:57

What I meant is they clearly don't follow the healthy lifestyle. Why is it not okay for a 5 year old to be clued up about this sort of stuff. Eating shit food and lack of exercise is unhealthy, as is smoking and excessive drinking etc. But people are bashing the op for teaching her son how to be healthy and explaining the reasoning behind her sons words. Yes he will learn not to speak out in future but there is nothing wrong with a child knowing these things, the same as we teach our children smoking is bad for health etc

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/08/2016 23:59

Actually there is only nothing wrong with a child speaking out if there is nothing wrong with an adult being offended and saying so.

Children don't get a free pass to upset people

TheRealKimmySchmidt63 · 12/08/2016 23:59

He's 5 years old - they say things like this. My 4yo tells me I'm fat - I am - he's not lying I just tell him it's not a nice thing to say - true but not nice

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 13/08/2016 00:00

I know someone else with anxiety and depression who would have been genuinely upset by, not so much the comment as the mother's reaction to it

pieceofpurplesky · 13/08/2016 00:02

You used the words clued up which clearly implies you feel that they don't understand what they should be doing. I can assure you that most fat people know what to do but there are a million reasons that prevent it. It's not that easy or everyone would be thin. As I said earlier it is my mental health that keeps me fat - I used to slice myself with a razor blade but now I eat.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 13/08/2016 00:04

piece sounds horribly familiar Flowers

And for all the OP knows the woman had lost weight.

Again the thing to do in that situation is just apologise to the woman and then speak to your DS about making personal comments to people.

WorraLiberty · 13/08/2016 00:05

Of course there's nothing wrong with a child knowing about health, diet and fitness.

However, you said And sorry but if you're overweight then I doubt you're clued up on health and fitness. Logical

And a few of us are pointing out that you're quite simply wrong.

Helloitsme88 · 13/08/2016 00:12

Knowing about good food isn't about skipping meals or only having salad. It's about eating the right things and putting a variety of healthy things into your body. No need for processed food, full of sugar and extra crap. If more people were educated about it then it would be brilliant. Take a look at deliciously Ella or the body coach or slimming world. None of these are diets. They are a lifestyle that doesn't allow you to eliminate food from your diet. Being more clued up about what you put in your body will work wonders. So yes I stick by what I said. I doubt you're clued up about health and fitness if you're overweight

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 13/08/2016 00:15

Oh thanks for that Hello - so kind to impart your knowledge to us fatties. Because obviously we are only overweight because we are too thick to know what to eat and of course we can't have any mental health issues or anything Hmm

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 13/08/2016 00:15

Patronising much

Helloitsme88 · 13/08/2016 00:19

I was overweight after the birth of my first child. I ate the wrong foods and didn't bother to exercise. I then decided to educate myself about what I was eating. Portion size, non processed foods. Learning how to make meals from scratch. I lost 2 stone within 2 months. Not patronising. People need to be more educated about what they put in their bodies. I was clueless until I decided to do something about it

Alisvolatpropiis · 13/08/2016 00:19

Deliciously Ella is

  1. mostly crap in terms of taste

  2. extremely expensive for the average person never mind an entire family

Helloitsme88 · 13/08/2016 00:20

Oh and I suffered with mental health issues for years. Pre natal and post natal depression is the Fuking pits I can assure you.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 13/08/2016 00:20

Did you see a comment upthread about a poster who substituted self harm with overeating?

Fucking hell - I give up.

WorraLiberty · 13/08/2016 00:21

Hello we're living in the internet age, where at the mere touch of a button, everyone can clue themselves up about these things.

Yet for well over 60% of UK adults, being clued up does not actually 'work wonders'.

Issues around obesity are far more complicated than that.

Perhaps if you tapped a few more buttons, you could clue yourself up on that fact too?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 13/08/2016 00:22

If you suffered MH issues then why are you being so patronising to others? And the point of the thread was the OP's child saying something and upsetting a stranger - I haven't seen anyone posting that they just don't know what to eat and would appreciate someone telling them.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 13/08/2016 00:23

Worra She obviously knows more because she lost some weight after she gave birth dontcha know.

pieceofpurplesky · 13/08/2016 00:25

Hello you are the most self righteous poster I have had the displeasure to read. I am fucking well educated on what to eat - I can tell you the points/syns/calories of everything. I cook from scratch and have a healthy diet. Illness means I don't exercise much. But you don't show you understand mental illness by your replies so here it is in simple terms I can either shove a Mars down my throat or slice my wrist with a razor blade. Both will probably kill me but one slower than the other. Self righteous and patronising women like you make it so much more. 'Oooo look how easy it was for me stupid fat person' HmmHmm

WorraLiberty · 13/08/2016 00:29

After all 3 pregnancies, I was back to my pre-pregnant weight by day 3-6.

Yet even I know that simply knowing what's best alone, isn't necessarily going to help anyone lose weight Confused

Just as knowing it's best not to smoke, doesn't necessarily help people with nicotine addictions for example.

bumsexatthebingo · 13/08/2016 00:41

Some people will be uneducated about healthy eating/exercise. Mainly people like Hello who haven't really had to think about their diet or exercise until they have put on some weight for the first time. Then there are other people (the majority I think) who do know what is healthy/unhealthy but they struggle with willpower and/or comfort eat unhealthy food.
If it were as simple as knowing the right things to eat then people would join Slimming World, lose the weight then never have weight problems again. For the majority that isn't what happens - they put on more than they lost in the first place. Knowing what to do and actually being in the frame of mind to do it are 2 different things.