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Original poster

Really worried I handled this badly... 'fat' comments and DS

334 replies

LeadTheWay · 12/08/2016 16:25

Quick background - After having ds2 I was quite over weight, I've been eating very healthily and running alot and dropped over 4 stone. I still have a bit to lose but only about another stone or so. I've had a lot of support from my family and my husband, so my children been aware I'm trying to be healthier and want to lose weight and have been really interested in knowing about healthy foods etc.

So today I was out with my 5 yr old DS1, we passed a lady who was very obese - as we passed her, and really were very close, DS1 said really loudly to me - 'Mummy why is that lady so very, very fat - that can't be good for her heart or bones'. He said it very matter of fact, rather than in a nasty way ifkwim. She obviously heard and I felt awful so I said 'I'm so sorry, he really didn't mean that like that - I've been trying to lose weight so we've had a lot of conversations about health and fitness things - I'm so sorry'. I admit this wasn't probably a great or very eloquent response but I was caught of guard. She just snapped 'maybe you should teach him some fucking manners instead'. I was a quite taken back and just said 'I'm sorry but please I don't think that language is necessary - he's five, he didn't mean it as an insult'. At which point Ds piped up 'you could go running with my mummy'. We hurried off at this point, but as I looked back I am sure this woman was crying.

I've been there where I've felt people's looks and comments and it hurts - I feel terrible. I know she shouldn't have sworn but I think she was just really upset. We were in a very public place and a number of people must have heard the exchange.

I had a really long chat with DS about appropriate comments etc and being respectful of how everyone is different, but can't shake the feeling I should have handled it differently and cannot shake the image of her crying.

I want to go back and say sorry.

OP posts:
Noonesfool · 12/08/2016 21:05

I agree, on balance, Delicate. Kind is a very useful word. Kindness is an underestimated quality.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/08/2016 21:06

Perhaps ease off on the diet obsession around him and spend a little more time teaching him that it is not okay to say shit like that.

Ghanagirl · 12/08/2016 21:15

Gosh really surprised at people bashing OP.
Her child is 5 and commented that lady overweight and she was!
It's miles away from making a racist statement as that's a skewed opinion and not fact.
OP told her child off in front of woman and she swore at them,
I'm sorry but overweight woman is in the wrong not the 5yr old!

Floggingmolly · 12/08/2016 21:22

She didn't tell her child off; she excused what he'd said on the grounds that he's very clued up on health and fitness. Something the overweight lady appeared not to be...

pieceofpurplesky · 12/08/2016 21:24

She excused the child by telling the woman how marvellous she was by being able to eat heat holy and lose weight . Whether said like that - that is what will have been heard and the words would be damaging

pieceofpurplesky · 12/08/2016 21:24

Healthy not holy. Predictive mind text as I was thinking holier than thou

hollinhurst84 · 12/08/2016 21:25

It happens. A child in the supermarket once said to me "you're SO big!"
I was a bit Confused as I'm um, not that big!
Mum was mortified and explained she kept saying to him about when he's big, meaning tall and I'm 5ft 10 Grin
They walked off and I heard him in the next aisle "that man is so big!" GrinGrin

Dawndonnaagain · 12/08/2016 21:27

10story The comment I made was not addressed to you. It was a comment on the first page of this thread that somebody else put up. It was imo judgemental and ill thought out. It was not (I've just checked) made by you.

bettyswalls · 12/08/2016 21:28

It sounded like you were making excuses for your child instead of telling him off for being rude. I would have just been upset and sad, but I am pleased the woman challenged that into anger.

I hope you're more willing to deal with your son's unacceptable behaviour in future instead of defending it. Someone being a "kind child" on a school report doesn't give them carte blanche to say what they like in public and it never be their fault.

NavyandWhite · 12/08/2016 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YorkieDorkie · 12/08/2016 21:40

I had my baby in January and as the Y1 teacher at my school, I returned to my class to show them my 2 week old baby.

I made the mistake of asking my class if I looked any different i.e. "Where's Mrs. Yorkie's big bump gone?"

Nothing. Bloody silence from 30 puzzles faces. I won't ever make that mistake again Grin.

OP I don't think you could have done much difference given the way you were caught out. It's not possible to have taught a 5yo all of the manners in the world before this encounter happened. The poor woman was probably just very hurt by the brutally honest reality check. You never know, your son could have kick started her life changing weight loss mission! Halo

GinandTits · 12/08/2016 21:43

Eh I think you need to stop going into detail about the con sequences of being overweight till a little older as the details that he went into seem to be what made you explain yourself. It isn't normal really r9 hear 5 year olds talk about the consequences of being overweight. Hmm when my eldest was 5 he did this on a bus once with 3 larger ladies, I shusshed him said it was very rude then changed the subject. The ladies clearly heard and smiled and just ignored us and got i was sorry (I also went beetroot and mouthed sorry) he NEVER points people out since that day and is 7 now.

NPowerShitShower · 12/08/2016 21:49

Lurked - not quite sure why you've taken it upon yourself to be so nasty to me, but thanks for the laugh. Did you fail to see the irony in what and how you've posted? Grin

Floggingmolly · 12/08/2016 21:50

Really, Yorkie? Hmm. Can we really assume that the woman either hadn't noticed or cared that she was overweight until this defining watershed moment when a 5 year old told her it's bad for her heart and bones?
How patronisingly ridiculous.

Alisvolatpropiis · 12/08/2016 21:57

Oh god! This sort of thing makes me think I should enjoy the non verbal stage of child years more.

Honestly - she as just as caught off guard as you were. She probably didn't mean to swear like that, it was an emotional reaction because her feelings were understandably hurt.

Horrible for all involved, in its own way.

Gottagetmoving · 12/08/2016 22:10

She didn't say that someone's body is there own concern or that every body is beautiful, she decided to further shame the woman by saying she's teaching her kids health and fitness, therefore implying the woman is unhealthy

Bollocks .. She did not imply anything. You did that in your own head. She stated what she was teaching her kids.
The being fat was the other woman's issue,...not the child's or the OPs. Kids say things bluntly....get over it.

bramblesandblackberries · 12/08/2016 22:49

I understand children say things but this is a five year old who must have done a full year in primary school. It's not comparable to a toddler. I don't agree with the language but he does need to be "taught some manners", I think.

RestlessTraveller · 12/08/2016 23:14

She didn't sware at the child, she swore at the OP, I would have done the same.

Helloitsme88 · 12/08/2016 23:21

When did t become a bad thing for a child to understand about health and fitness. He had a point! Yes he should keep his thoughts to himself but he's 5! Sorry she was offended but he made an observation. Rightly the OP justified it. She's worked hard to lose the weight. You did the right thing. Don't beat yourself up OP

Helloitsme88 · 12/08/2016 23:24

And sorry but if you're overweight then I doubt you're clued up on health and fitness. Logical

Lurkedforever1 · 12/08/2016 23:36

npower because incase it hasn't yet dawned on you, making personal comments is rude. Whether that is calling someone fat or skinny, it is ignorant to comment, and rather worrying that you are encouraging your child to think it is ok to do so. If it's ironic to point that out, then so be it. You've basically said you think it would be ok for your child to point at me, or worse still my 12yr old, and make personal comments, and you wonder why I am being offensive?

As I've said, if you've chosen to bring your child up to comment on personal appearance, that's your prerogative. I've brought up mine to have enough self worth to know anyone who does so is ignorant.

Being either fat or skinny isn't morally wrong. Being ignorant is.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/08/2016 23:39

And sorry but if you're overweight then I doubt you're clued up on health and fitness. Logical

I know plenty about health and fitness, I just don't follow the guidelines. Surely you aren't trying to imply that the woman was going to be grateful for a 5 yo being precocious and telling her about it?

pieceofpurplesky · 12/08/2016 23:43

Oh my goodness hello do you really think that? If so you have no clue on how the brain works.

Helloitsme88 · 12/08/2016 23:45

No I'm not implying anything, I never said she had to be grateful.
If you fill your body with the right foods and exercise and stay active then it's highly unlikely you will be overweight

WorraLiberty · 12/08/2016 23:48

I imagine every overweight person is clued up about health and fitness.

The same as I imagine every smoker is clued up about lung cancer.

However, being clued up really isn't enough to simply change the way people are, is it?

Otherwise there would be no obesity epidemic and no smokers/heavy drinkers/drug addicts.