Really worried I handled this badly... 'fat' comments and DS

[LeadTheWay]

Quick background - After having ds2 I was quite over weight, I've been eating very healthily and running alot and dropped over 4 stone. I still have a bit to lose but only about another stone or so. I've had a lot of support from my family and my husband, so my children been aware I'm trying to be healthier and want to lose weight and have been really interested in knowing about healthy foods etc.

So today I was out with my 5 yr old DS1, we passed a lady who was very obese - as we passed her, and really were very close, DS1 said really loudly to me - 'Mummy why is that lady so very, very fat - that can't be good for her heart or bones'. He said it very matter of fact, rather than in a nasty way ifkwim. She obviously heard and I felt awful so I said 'I'm so sorry, he really didn't mean that like that - I've been trying to lose weight so we've had a lot of conversations about health and fitness things - I'm so sorry'. I admit this wasn't probably a great or very eloquent response but I was caught of guard. She just snapped 'maybe you should teach him some fucking manners instead'. I was a quite taken back and just said 'I'm sorry but please I don't think that language is necessary - he's five, he didn't mean it as an insult'. At which point Ds piped up 'you could go running with my mummy'. We hurried off at this point, but as I looked back I am sure this woman was crying.

I've been there where I've felt people's looks and comments and it hurts - I feel terrible. I know she shouldn't have sworn but I think she was just really upset. We were in a very public place and a number of people must have heard the exchange.

I had a really long chat with DS about appropriate comments etc and being respectful of how everyone is different, but can't shake the feeling I should have handled it differently and cannot shake the image of her crying.

I want to go back and say sorry.

I'm sure he's not nasty! :) But he DOES need to be taught that commenting in that way is a no-no.

Apart from anything else, commenting about someone in their hearing is generally considered ill mannered even if it's something innocuous enough. Five is old enough to learn that.

Young children speak bluntly and say what they see. There is no nastiness in that. I wouldn't take offence if a child said that about me.
You handled it well in my opinion
I wouldn't give it any more thought if I were you.

You over-egged the pudding, OP.

I am a big fatty , i used to be an even bigger fatty and have worked hard to get to this point but it is ongoing and slowly making good progress , i would never be offended at a child saying it how it is , i am fat , if a child calls me fat i agree with them , theres no malice , i once had a child ask me why im fat and i said because i am , people are all different sizes some are thin some are fat some are in the middle , her reaction was awful swearing like that in front of a child , you did everything right dont worry about it

I will pick apart what she said if (she actually said it) She didn't say that someone's body is there own concern or that every body is beautiful, she decided to further shame the woman by saying she's teaching her kids health and fitness, therefore implying the woman is unhealthy. (You don't know if she's dieting or exercising). She should have told her child that the lady is beautiful the way she is and moved on. I don't blame the lady at all.

Children say stuff. Mine is going through a stage of talking about the lungs of cigarette smokers, because he's particularly into a science book.

He's not rude, he's interested. I will always tell him people don't like being stared at or having comments made, but that we can talk about it more in the car/at home/whatever.

What he really wants is to go and have a good look at some lungs.

he's either going to be a scientist or a serial killer

The thing with the OP's reported response is that, in all honesty, it sounds like what you might put together in your head afterwards mistakenly thinking it would have been a good thing to say. Unplanned utterances are muh more staccato and I really doubt she came out with such a fluently verbose monologue unless she'd been pre planning it!

The same, tbh, goes for the child - it is not a sign of great intelligence or indeed normal 5 year old innocence to come out with "you could go running with my mummy" to an adult who has just sworn at your mummy.

Children say it as they see it, the OP's comments would have been very smug and unsympathetic, the other woman should not have sworn like that but was right that the OP had her priorities absolutely screwed up explaining that her DC had been learning about obesity and health due to her own weight loss (which would have come across as a massive double stealth brag with a side dish of judgement) rather than apologising and saying something depreciating about kids saying stupid things, and then moving away swiftly and reminding DC that saying things like that makes people sad, and we don't say things about how people look if it might make them sad.

Blurting out something brief and idiotic or being lost for words is natural, but the monologuing in long sentences sounds so unlikely to have actually happened as well as such a bad choice...

From long ago study of linguistics the average length of an unplanned adult utterance in an informal situation, before pausing for a reply, is between 4 and 7 words, not 30+.

@Olddear
Thanks for the best laugh today! Lol
A miniature Bertie Wooster!!! I think he's a bit Just William, to be honest.

@Thefitfatty
Sadly not. Dear me.

Have to say 10storey I've no saggy skin either but decided to ignore the previous posters comment on that. I'm amazed by this thread but will stop posting now, I'm not a troll (mn hq can see I've a long and established history on mn and regularly discuss my ds, though I change my user name regularly for my own reasons) I am just a mum who felt bad about something. I've owned from the begining that I got this wrong but surprised by some of the responses. Interesting reading though and does make me reflect on my parenting and social skills.

At least you said sorry. You never know it might be the straw that breaks the camels back and pushes her to be healthier.
Or she may go home and come off the steroids and not be as well as she could be. I have an eating disorder. I'm supposed to take steroids for a nine week period when my colitis flares up. I haven't managed to do it for quite some time because I can't cope with the weight gain. So I shit myself and put up with the pain instead. Perhaps next time you would be kind enough to look at the bigger picture before you post the easy and somewhat trite remark above.

I teach Early Years. Kids that age say stuff like this a lot. My class often make comments and ask questions about my appearance - sometimes pointing out a big red spot on my face! It is never nastily meant, they are curious and literal at that age. Dont worry OP. It was awkward, but no-one at fault.

I've read the first three pages and it's a bit divided. It reminded me of the time that DD (about three and a half) and I were at a tiny airport (inside), boiling hot, delayed plane.

DD (very loudly) "do you think that man has a baby in his tummy?" (pointing to large man)
Me: "no, and it's not nice to talk about people like that"
DD (still loudly and also indignantly) "but you told me to tell the TRUTH!!"

No, not ideal, but short of gagging them, unavoidable sometimes. That was the worst of its type that I recall.

Yes someone was at fault! The OP! She handled it badly. She chose to shame the woman rather than just apologize.

Not in my opinion thefitfatty.

Not in your opinion what hollie? That the Op's son as being 5 and saying what he thought/heard at home or that the OP should have just apologized for a 5 year old rather than saying that the woman doesn't eat healthy or exercise

Fitfatty I never said that and I did apologise!!! I tried explaining why my son said it, I see that was misguided but I never tried to shame her!!!!!!

Nevertheless the woman had to endure the experience.

Children definitely need to be taught how to behave before they are allowed out in public.

Delicate that is a ridiculous thing to say.

Unless you're being sarcastic in which case I agree.

Well, yes, I am being arch but still...How difficult can it be to instruct children in kind behaviour? Why does it always have to be about what the dear child wants to do or eat or say?

I would have been really fucked off if I had been that woman. I'm overweight and have depression and anxiety so comments like that really aren't helpful and may have upset me if I had been having a bad day.

Also about how much your DS seems to know about weight loss yet he doesn't know not to make comments about other people?