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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say no to attending DH's best friends wedding with 5 week old twins?

174 replies

Tinkerbell2003 · 12/08/2016 13:46

Hi,

I'm currently 27 weeks pregnant with twins and we've just received a wedding invite to DH's best friend's wedding which will be 5 weeks after our planned delivery date. The wedding will be held 3.5 hours away from where we live, we will be first time parents to our twins, delivery is likely to be c-section and I'm hoping to EBF.

The bride and groom have said that our LOs will be more than welcome and DH is really keen for us to all attend together. However I have so many worries and the thought of going is getting me really worked up at the moment.

I'm mainly concerned about

Taking such tiny babies out to a large gathering of (mostly) strangers before their immunisations.
We'll still be getting to grips with being new parents.
The fact that I think I'll spend most of my time in another room BFing rather than attending the wedding anyway.
Being horribly sleep deprived at that point.
Potentially still being uncomfortable after a c-section.
Not really feeling up to getting dressed up and looking presentable by then.
Not having home comforts to escape to for 2 nights.
Other people wanting to hold/touch our newborns.

DH is so much more laid back than me and thinks I'm being too negative, whereas I think I'm just being realistic. I'm happy for him to go on his own and enjoy himself (my parents will come and stay with me for company) but our inability to agree over this is causing arguements between us and making me feel completely stressed out.

AIBU? What would you do?

OP posts:

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 14/08/2016 02:35

If my DH suggested that, I'd tell him he was a very funny man, while doing this face:

AIBU to say no to attending DH's best friends wedding with 5 week old twins?

grobagsforever · 14/08/2016 07:58

I'm going to go against the grain here. YANBU. It's up to you whether you go or not. But I'd consider it. We did a wedding when DD1 was six weeks and it was a doddle - that was travelling there and back in a day by multiple trains and taxis too!

No she wasn't twins but there were some ten week twins there and they were fine. It all depends how breastfeeding is going and how well you're healing.

Life is short and this would be a special experience if you can manage it. You'll feel totally badass afterwards too :-)

As for staying away from home - look on it as no housework for a couple of nights! The twins won't notice!

MrsHathaway · 14/08/2016 12:57

As for staying away from home - look on it as no housework for a couple of nights! The twins won't notice!

You can also achieve this by living in the twenty-first century and being married to someone who isn't an arsehole.

StripeyMonkey1 · 14/08/2016 13:15

YANBU. At 5 weeks with twins you can expect to be up in the night twice as much as with a single baby and that is really tiring. Some nights you can get no sleep - unlike with one baby who crashes eventually, you have a reserve who can take over!

It will be fine of course (twins are wonderful) but the early days can be very tough and I'd not be promising to attend any social events so far in advance. Also, if your DH wants to go on his own, I'd make sure you have someone else staying over to help you if needed.

StripeyMonkey1 · 14/08/2016 13:21

I have twins btw. Definitely listen to twin mums both on here and in real life as the first bit with twins - particularly for a first baby - is a bit different.

YouTheCat · 14/08/2016 14:26

Grobags, 10 week old twins is vastly different to 5 week old twins. Mine were almost sleeping through by 10 weeks. At 5 weeks I was a total basket case, surviving on 3 hours of broken sleep a day.

Arseface · 14/08/2016 14:55

I have 2 singletons & twins.
DH and I were on our knees with exhaustion in the early weeks despite good births etc.
It very quickly becomes wonderful though and the bond they share is incredible to see. It's just the early days are pretty relentless.
I did bf the twins but, unless you want one screaming while you feed the other, you often have to do both together - Impossible to do discreetly!
Show your DH this thread. Unless you have huge amounts of help, or he's an arse who plans to leave you doing all the work, he'll be too shattered to pack the car, let alone drive there!
Congrats on twins though, they're wonderful!

FurryTurnip · 14/08/2016 15:01

Don't do it! I attended a wedding when my DS was 5 weeks. I left him close by with my parents and nipped out regularly to feed him. The wedding was a total blur of exhaustion, tearfulness, worry, leaking nipples and massive bloated body whilst everyone was drinking and being merry. I hid from the photographer all day. It wasn't any fun at all. Add to that two small babies....no!!

Stay at home, snuggle with your beautiful babies and don't give it a second thought!

ravenmum · 14/08/2016 18:50

People recovering from major surgery with newborn babies do housework? Riiight.

Newborn babies shouldn't be in a car seat for hours on end, it is no good for their backs. Google it to show your dh. And the journey will not take 3.5 hours when you are feeding and changing two babies. It will take at least 5 hours. All four of you will suffer.

Reapwhatyousow · 14/08/2016 20:45

I suggest your DH goes on his own. That would be the sensible approach.

RoboticSealpup · 14/08/2016 20:52

No way in hell would I even entertain the thought.

Mouthfulofquiz · 14/08/2016 20:55

I went to a wedding with my first baby when he was ten days old and it was lovely. However! It was 5 miles from home, the bride was an old friend who said I could come for any or none of the day - it was up to me, and the hotel kindly set up an area with two comfy chairs, bottles of water etc for me to feed. I felt quite keen to show the baby off to be honest. He was doing that newborn thing of sleeping a lot.
But at five weeks old, with twins, in a hotel, hours from home? No chance!

Mouthfulofquiz · 14/08/2016 20:57

Plus - as it was my first baby, I was still having my hair cut and going to the gym etc so I was still fairly glamorous after the baby. After my third in four years... Not so much!

HollyAndIvyTime · 14/08/2016 21:47

Congratulations on twins!

So overall I don't think yabu - twins is going to be full on.

For what its worth though, it wouldn't occur to me to worry about taking babies anyway pre-immunisations. My three have been to all sorts of groups from a couple of weeks old (I was out of the house the second my husband finished PL as it kept me sane!) and it was fine. I guess it may be different if they are small / premature though.

Also, I wouldn't worry about b/f in a separate room unless you really want to. Even with my first I never disappeared off to b/f - I'd have spent half my life in a different room even without twins. It's perfectly possible to feed discretely with no need to isolate yourself.

And I've had three c-sections and by five weeks none of them bothered me and certainly wouldn't have stopped me going anywhere (I was up and about within a few days, comfortable within a week and out about about within two weeks every time). Get good pain relief, rest a lot for the first few days and the recovery really needn't be that bad.

For all the other reasons you mention though YANBU. I personally would probably do it with one baby, as they are very transportable at that age but I've no experience of twins and can imagine it's a whole different thing.

JacquettaWoodville · 14/08/2016 21:53

Yanbu

MrsAmaretto · 14/08/2016 22:02

I really don't think it's feasible, especially with twins. You will need to focus on yourself recovering.

I don't mean to scare you but unfortunately my c-section scar got infected and I was still under midwive care at home 3 weeks after. At 5 weeks I was just beginning to heal. You may recover quickly though - my friend was back driving after a week!

No-one would expect someone to go 5 weeks post op after major surgery, but if it's a section your expected to go back to normal!

Faultyscales · 14/08/2016 22:16

I'm the sort of person who would never let a baby get in the way of a party and could have quite easily taken either of my full term healthy singletons to a wedding at 5 weeks and they were both c sections. But as all of the above twin mum posters have said, twins are a whole different ball game. At 5 weeks one of mine was still in hospital, there's so much more risk of problems/prematurity with twins, and when they were both home it was weeks before I could even get myself together enough to take my other kids to school.

We went away to a family wedding when mine were 5 months old and I was having nightmares about it for weeks beforehand just at the thought. Like others say, just finding something to wear you can feed in is hard enough and at 5 weeks they will be feeding A LOT!

Twins are great but they absolutely nothing like having one little portable baby, you will need to make things as easy as you possibly can for yourself, even if that means turning down invites. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

mymatemax · 14/08/2016 22:32

We went to a family party & weekend away when ds1 was 10 days old. It was lovely to be able to have lots of people on hand to walk ds1 up & down & give cuddles while I caught up on sleep in the hotel room. I expressed & let everyone queue for cuddles. Why don't you wait & see how you feel.traveling with new twins I imagine even The most experienced of laid back parents would struggle.

Topseyt · 15/08/2016 00:38

No. Just no. No is a complete sentence.

Didiplanthis · 15/08/2016 01:43

I have twins. At 5 weeks I was feeding up to 16 out of 24 hrs !!! Also quite alot of this was tandem feeding which involved being stripped to the waist on a double bed with about 20 pillows ! There is nothing discrete about bf twins. And do not underestimate quite how little sleep you might be getting. Twins are amazing and don't be scared by any of this, you'll do it fine - actually my twins together were easier than my singleton on her own but it's very very hard work. And you don't need to make it harder for yourself. Stay at home working out how it to do it and enjoy it. You don't need any more stress. I suspect your DH may have slightly rose tinted glasses about the whole thing.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 15/08/2016 07:51

Yanbu.

I did a wedding 2 weeks after dd1 (unavoidable). That was fine but... 5 week old twins? Not a chance. After dd1 we had ds1 and then dts so I can say with experience your plan to let dh still go but have support from your parents really is the best option.

You don't know what's going to happen, even more so with twin pregnancies. You could deliver much earlier, you might not long have got out of hospital. However you plan to feed, you will need to learn your babies cues and it's not just a quick nappy change etc as if they're anything like mine, everything was bloody synchronised for ages. So they'd feed and poop together. Then they'd want soothing. And whilst it's lovely being able to hand a baby over to give you a break, when they're your first you are much less likely to want to do it.

OnionKnight · 15/08/2016 08:03

YANBU, but you'd be U if you said that he couldn't attend, even if it was just for the ceremony.

feesh · 15/08/2016 09:29

OnionKnight you know the OP has twins, right? It's a whole different kettle of fish to a singleton. It's utterly exhausting and even just feeding them is a two man job.

StripeyMonkey1 · 15/08/2016 22:18

Yes, if your DH does go then please make sure you have someone to help you - either family or pay for help if need be (nanny/night nanny). If that's not affordable/he doesn't want to pay for it then I think it starts to become unreasonable for him to go.

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