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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say no to attending DH's best friends wedding with 5 week old twins?

174 replies

Tinkerbell2003 · 12/08/2016 13:46

Hi,

I'm currently 27 weeks pregnant with twins and we've just received a wedding invite to DH's best friend's wedding which will be 5 weeks after our planned delivery date. The wedding will be held 3.5 hours away from where we live, we will be first time parents to our twins, delivery is likely to be c-section and I'm hoping to EBF.

The bride and groom have said that our LOs will be more than welcome and DH is really keen for us to all attend together. However I have so many worries and the thought of going is getting me really worked up at the moment.

I'm mainly concerned about

  • Taking such tiny babies out to a large gathering of (mostly) strangers before their immunisations.
  • We'll still be getting to grips with being new parents.
  • The fact that I think I'll spend most of my time in another room BFing rather than attending the wedding anyway.
  • Being horribly sleep deprived at that point.
  • Potentially still being uncomfortable after a c-section.
  • Not really feeling up to getting dressed up and looking presentable by then.
  • Not having home comforts to escape to for 2 nights.
  • Other people wanting to hold/touch our newborns.

DH is so much more laid back than me and thinks I'm being too negative, whereas I think I'm just being realistic. I'm happy for him to go on his own and enjoy himself (my parents will come and stay with me for company) but our inability to agree over this is causing arguements between us and making me feel completely stressed out.

AIBU? What would you do?

OP posts:
Quiero · 12/08/2016 14:02

Congratulations.....

And GrinGrinGrin, Your DH has no idea what's coming bless him.

I think an experienced mother who'd breastfed before would struggle to do this with one baby, let alone two!

I'm not even convinced he'll be able to go for 2 days. Will you have other help at home?

reallyanotherone · 12/08/2016 14:03

Yanbu.

Friend of mine had a similar weekend planned about 6 weeks after her due date. I did warn her but she reckoned it would be fine.

She had a straightforward birth? Up and about fairly quickly, but cancelled and admitted there was no way she'd manage a weekend away with a 6 week old.

I visited relatives for a weekend with an 8 week old and it was hell. People expected me to go to the pub, shopping, basically carry on a normal. Not a chance, i still felt like crap, was still getting used to factoring in sleep and feeds into everything.

I don't even think your dp going alone is a good idea - on your own with 5 week old twins?

Bumbumtaloo · 12/08/2016 14:04

Ugh also should have said we stayed at MILs house for two nights, obviously very different to a hotel.

LindyHemming · 12/08/2016 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stevefromstevenage · 12/08/2016 14:06

I had a section and one baby aged 2.5 weeks when we went to a wedding. It was fine but there is absolutely no way I would do it again if I had my time back. I also would not be encouraging my DH to go alone at the time you need the most support you will ever need.

fruitboxjury · 12/08/2016 14:07

Yanbu. But ywbu if you said he definitely couldn't go at all either, even if it's just for ceremony, meal and speeches, then leave to come back to you. Does DH have a role in the wedding?

If I were you I wouldn't make any excuses, just say no - DT will only be five weeks old and you wouldn't be able to enjoy the day. If you give reasons for your decision, people will judge the reasons by their own experience, not the decision itself.

For example - immunisations... Are not something you need to worry about under these circumstances. I doubt many people would be touching the babies and if they were, the chances of them actually carrying something that the 8-12w vaccinations cover is VERY low! A lot of people would think that was an excuse not a reason, even I rolled my eyes when it was at the top of your list and I think you're perfectly justified not going.

Just a "DT will only be 5 weeks old and bringing them would be too much of an imposition but thank you for kindly offering. DH is going to come to xyz ad can't wait to share your day" would suffice. No explanation necessary.

petmyunicorn · 12/08/2016 14:08

Twins are amazing. Fun. Magic.

But at five weeks?! I wasn't really every properly alone with mine until eight weeks. It is intense, relentless, exhausting. Lovely but you never stop moving, and if breastfeeding you'll be dealing with that most of the time.

Looking back there's no way on earth I'd go - and I say that as someone who took four month old twins on a long haul flight.

pigsDOfly · 12/08/2016 14:08

OP said her parents can come to help if DH goes to the wedding so she wouldn't be on her own.

OrsonWellsHat · 12/08/2016 14:11

No way, I've got DT's, the first 6 months are exhausting, and I FF.

expatinscotland · 12/08/2016 14:12

YANBU. Say NO now. He goes on his own.

timeforheroes · 12/08/2016 14:13

YANBU - I have twins and the first couple of months are mental! I've also had just the one baby and it is a different ball game. The twins may come earlier but that doesn't necessarily mean that because they'll be older it'll be easier. Even with easy babies (which the twins were in comparison to DS) it is still just chaotic, people will tell you to get them in to similar feeding and napping routines, and if you can then fantastic, it's just not as simple as that with 2 individuals who are bound to be different. My DH didn't think life would be that different, we already had 1 child...2 more wouldn't make that much of a difference would it? He soon changed his tune, people visited us for quite a while, it was just easier.

Congratulations btw! It definitely does get easier, you become the most organised person ever as well, which was a nice bonus for me! Grin

Oxtailchambermaid · 12/08/2016 14:15

No, no, a million times no. I remember going to a cafe down the road to meet someone when my twins were 9 weeks old and that was my biggest achievement since giving birth.
As for a 3.5 car journey, again no. Even packing a car before you travel with newborn twins takes hours.Euphemia makes a good point, I thought it was max 2 hours in a car for babies?
On a positive note - twins are beyond ace! I don't get the concept of having one at at time Grin.

glueandstick · 12/08/2016 14:15

I don't even remember life at 5 weeks. Hell no way would I do it.

electricflyzapper · 12/08/2016 14:16

I went away for the weekend when my pfb was 6 weeks old. But he was a singleton, the journey was 2 hours, and it was a weekend and family bbq at my parents' house - my childhood home. I was just about able to manage such a trip at that stage. But twins, 5 weeks old, 3.5 hrs journey, wedding, hotel? No way on earth will you be able to manage that. Your dh might not understand now, but he will post birth.

MoMandaS · 12/08/2016 14:17

YANBU. I declined the invitation to my best friend's wedding because twins were due a few weeks before. On the day they were nearly five weeks old and I didn't move from the sofa because they were having a growth spurt and feeding constantly. I was upset and depressed about missing it but being there would have been hell. Congratulations, by the way! Engage a cleaner if you haven't already!

Gazelda · 12/08/2016 14:18

YANBU.

I took my DD to a very close friend's wedding at 5 weeks. It was local and I only stayed until about 6pm. It was absolutely knackering.

I was terrified all through the service and speeches that my baby would suddenly.

I was struggling with feeding, latching problems and excruciatingly painful.

There wasn't any baby changing facility, so I used the floor of the toilets (I soon learned to assert myself over this issue by demanding a suitable area).

I'd never have done it if I'd known how difficult it would be, and your situation has far more pitfalls. The travel, double the feeding and changing, no home comforts etc. No way.

tidyfairy · 12/08/2016 14:18

For a new mother of twins born by C-section, this is far too big an ask.
I have been in a similar position - wedding 300 miles away with an 18 month old and a six week old baby (plus C-section) and I had no hesitation in just saying no. No ifs, no buts, no offers to 'just think about it'. The invitation came quite late, shortly after the baby was born, so I had more idea of how draining and difficult it might be. DH tried to persuade and cajole, but to no avail. Sometimes you just know in your gut that something is a really bad idea. This was one of them.
DH went on his own and had a good time. I stayed on my own with 2 infants and had, if not as good a time, certainly a better time than I would have trying to mother 2 little ones at a wedding, reception and in a hotel.
Perfectly reasonable to make your excuses and decline.

BorisMcBoakface · 12/08/2016 14:19

No actual way.

Also the realities of breastfeeding at that stage will be so tough. At 5 weeks old with just one I was pretty much having to strip naked to BF successfully, and each feed can last ages. With twins it's all you'll be doing! It's okay (and in fact rather nice) if you're at home, comfy on the sofa with a box set and a glass of wine, but the logistics of it at in the situation you describe would be horrendous.

MrsHathaway · 12/08/2016 14:20

I went to a wedding three weeks after having singleton PFB. But it was four miles from home and I didn't go to the reception - we left him with family round the corner and he slept for the entire couple of hours.

I think it's not even so much that it would be awful, just that it could, and if you can take the pressure off yourself you should. That will help you during your pregnancy let alone on the day!

Since it's DH's friend's wedding he'll have lots of people to see and it can be very isolating being the "plus one" even if you aren't spending half an hour at a time feeding (that's optimistic at five weeks, I reckon, including nappy changes etc and assuming feeding them together which takes a bit of practice) and certainly not having enough to drink to take the edge off.

Also, FYI, occasion clothes you can bf in are very hard to find without spending £££, and typically they're ugly to boot so you resent the money. That would be enough to put me off Grin

1frenchfoodie · 12/08/2016 14:21

YANBU,not with such young twins and not so far away.

JudyCoolibar · 12/08/2016 14:23

Does your DH realise that you can't feed a baby whilst driving? And that therefore if you try to do this journey it will probably take all day both ways? The whole idea is insane.

Bomb · 12/08/2016 14:23

1 would be OK probably (but not necessarily) but 2 is too many. Smile

WeAllHaveWings · 12/08/2016 14:23

YANBU, your DH has not idea what's about to hit him and I don't think he will until they are here.

Tell him to tell the bride and groom if they need a firm answer now its no to you and the babies, otherwise wait and let your DH find out for himself.

If he does go alone try to organise some help when he's away (can your mum/MIL/friend stay over?)

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 12/08/2016 14:23

3.5 hours in a car seat is too long for babies of that age.
3.5 hours in a car following a C Section is likely to be uncomfortable especially if the belt is resting on your scar.
3.5 hours driving is not great if you are both sleep deprived.
You will be knackered.

I agree with others. Tell them that you'll see how things are going after the twins are born.

OpenMe · 12/08/2016 14:25

I don't know. It will be flippin hard and no fun at all but I kind of understand why dp still wants to do it. I went to my sister's wedding c. 3 hours away, with a newborn and a toddler and didn't get any opportunity to socialise or even get myself a (soft) drink all evening, but I'm still glad I went.

Is it possible to leave the decision to the very last minute, when dp has found our what he's in for?!