AIBU to say no to attending DH's best friends wedding with 5 week old twins?

[Tinkerbell2003]

Hi,

I'm currently 27 weeks pregnant with twins and we've just received a wedding invite to DH's best friend's wedding which will be 5 weeks after our planned delivery date. The wedding will be held 3.5 hours away from where we live, we will be first time parents to our twins, delivery is likely to be c-section and I'm hoping to EBF.

The bride and groom have said that our LOs will be more than welcome and DH is really keen for us to all attend together. However I have so many worries and the thought of going is getting me really worked up at the moment.

I'm mainly concerned about

• Taking such tiny babies out to a large gathering of (mostly) strangers before their immunisations.
• We'll still be getting to grips with being new parents.
• The fact that I think I'll spend most of my time in another room BFing rather than attending the wedding anyway.
• Being horribly sleep deprived at that point.
• Potentially still being uncomfortable after a c-section.
• Not really feeling up to getting dressed up and looking presentable by then.
• Not having home comforts to escape to for 2 nights.
• Other people wanting to hold/touch our newborns.

DH is so much more laid back than me and thinks I'm being too negative, whereas I think I'm just being realistic. I'm happy for him to go on his own and enjoy himself (my parents will come and stay with me for company) but our inability to agree over this is causing arguements between us and making me feel completely stressed out.

AIBU? What would you do?

I think with twins that would be very tough going!! Definitely a good compromise is your DH going alone and your parents come to help you out.

My BIL got married when DS1 was 5 weeks old, c-section and pph for me. We stayed a night in 2 different hotels and it was a 4 hour drive away (we broke it up into 1.5 hour chunks to fit in feeding and a stretch out!). DH was best man and I love BIL and now SIL like my own siblings so desperately wanted to go.

We had a great time, loads of DHs relatives hadn't met DS1 yet so I had a lot of help (DH was on top table) and everyone made sure I ate while they held him! I even managed a dance at the evening do and stayed til gone midnight.

But I reckon it took me 2 weeks to get over, I was shattered when we got home!! I think excitement and adrenaline showing off my gorgeous baby got me through but then I needed a week in pjs in front of the TV!

Mother of twins here. Just don't do it. Be very kind to yourselves for the first 9 months. Twins are amazing but it is really hard. The pay back comes later when they play with each other and entertain each other. Have you joined TAMBA? It is worth doing for the companionship of people who understand and know what parenting multiples involves

I went to a wedding with DD when she was 3 weeks old (and another at 6 weeks old). One was a two hour drive and we didn't stay the night, the other was a 6 hour drive and we stayed two nights. It was fine, I loved showing her off and both venues were good about finding me a private room to feed in (I was EBF and struggling with it - we didn't stay at the actual venue).

I wouldn't worry about the immunisations (children aren't puppies!) and you do have the power to say no to children being passed around (I wasn't keen on strangers having DD for a cuddle).

6 weeks after a c-section I felt totally, 100% back to normal and was very out and active. I know others who were only just starting to venture out at that stage though - you just can't tell in advance.

However - I don't know how I would feel with twins, that's a very different story! Every parent and birthing experience is different. You might be fine and want to get out, you might want to just hunker down at home. Can DH accept and leave you as a maybe until after the birth?

No way. And I think your DH is being really unkind to even suggest this as an option. If someone was 'just' having major surgery, you wouldn't try and force them into a long car journey and event like this, so why the hell does he think it will be any easier post c-section with two small humans in tow? I'm actually angry for you, OP. He sounds like he really needs to wise up or you'll have many more battles to come, sadly.

My DC are 10 and 7 and I would dress a 3.5 hour car trip.

Sorry haven't RTFT but Jesus Christ no.

Isn't that length of time too long for such a tiny to be in a car seat anyway? Thought it was an hour max at that age? (Someone has probably already pointed that out soz).

At five weeks after the birth of my first I was still in a dressing gown on the sofa eating biscuits, watching crap on tv, weeping, bfing my way through horrific mastitis, and trying to find a comfy position to lie in despite the infection I had in my stitches.

Not only could I not have attended a wedding but I would probably have murdered my dp if he suggested going away for a couple of nights.

You might get it way way easier though.

But I still wouldn't go.

Haha your DH is funny

He's got a shock coming and no mistake. This is not a feasible plan and he will realise once the babies are here!

YANBU! You are not over thinking or being negative you are being completely realistic. It's not all horrendous, but caring for newborn twins is intense and exhausting. You need to take it easy and focus on your recovery due to the major trauma to your body as well. You absolutely do not need even the possibility of having to deal with this hanging over you, so just say no draw a line under it. Your DH is very lucky that you have parents to rope in to help you out, giving him the chance of a nice weekend off.
Also, well done for planning on giving breastfeeding a go :-) From what I recall at that stage I was having to tandem feed a lot, i.e. was chained to the sofa for hours with both boobs out. Would not have wanted to risk having to attempt tandem feeding in front of anyone other than DH and very close family/friends. I don't think it was until about 8-10 weeks that feeds were quick enough to be able to feed them separately, so more comfortably & discreetly in public. Like lots of things, the practicalities are just that little bit more difficult with twins and sometimes it's just not worth the stress.

Wow we have twins and I would say no to this.

Ours were prem and in nicu for 11 weeks, and came out on their due date. No major complications, just feeding and growing. We were broken for the first 4 months and not much better for next 18 months because ours didnt sleep well at all. In the beginning one slept in 2 hour cycles and the other in 3 hour cycles, and we had been told to feed on demand because they were small so there was nothing we could do. Nappy changes took ages and one of them was really vommy too. When they did sleep at the same time we just sat still after we'd done the bare minimum (ie the washing up or the clothes washing, no cleaning got done for a while...).

Our twins are 3 now and it's still a challenge but getting easier because they sleep through until about half 5 in the morning and can entertain themselves.

Also at that age ours cluster fed from 5pm to 10pm and all I could do was bring my wife snacks whilst she continuously fed one or both of them. She spent all that time half naked from the waist up so couldn't feed in public. Only 3 months later when the twins had more control over their heads and bodies was that possible.

C section might be ok, as my missus felt dramatically better after just 3 weeks, but that's not guaranteed of course.

We did a formerly 3.5 hour drive at them being 3 months old, and broke it up at 2 hour intervals roughly because we knew the car seat guidance (ie babies should be in car seats for more than 2 hours, for their spines but also for their breathing). The driving was ok, but the stop took nearly 2 hours when we'd fed and changed them and grabbed takeaway food for us to eat in the car. I was just about ok to drive, but so so tired....

My twins are 6 now but there is no way id have gone to a wedding at when they were 5 wesks. Id tell Dh to go himself, get some wine, choc, pizza and stay home in my PJ's. Even better if you invite a friend over for the night to help

Just to echo everyone else, I've had twins and at 5 weeks I was still in pjs/ tracksuit bottoms with baby puke on each shoulder. Not possible!!!

Could you rsvp a maybe and see how you feel at the time? At that age all they do is eat, shit and sleep. I went to a 30th when my second was 3 days old, drove 650 miles when she was 6 weeks old, drove on my own 300 miles with 8 week old firstborn. But, my DM beats that....
She lived overseas but came back to the uk to have DT's (I'm one of them). She travelled on long haul flights to get back home to the Middle East with 2 8 week olds, a 3 year old, and a 4 year old, on her own. Built of steel that woman!

dd (singleton) would cry at least twice on an hour journey. and the stop would be ar least 30 minutes. the stuff filled the boot of the car.

she fed 20 times a day at first.

now double that.

and fuck no to travelling.

I think you need to wait and see how you feel.

I went to a wedding with baby when they were 3 weeks old and I'd had a section. It wasn't anywhere nearly as bad as I thought. If you do go then I'd ask your DP politely to not drink much, if anything and perhaps retire a bit earlier.

Of course if you don't feel up to it nearer the time then Defo don't go but maybe your DH could
Still go?

Don't rule it in or out at this stage but don't feel bad whatever choice you make

Yanbu to not go, you will mostly be breastfeeding at 5 weeks and you won't enjoy it. Definitely don't go.

Yabu to worry about seeing a lot of people before they've started their course of immunisations though.

So not yabu about immunisations...

5 week old babies are vulnerable, especially to contagious disease like pox, measles, whooping cough, rotavirus etc. Even common colds can be bad for new lungs.

All can be carried by adults or children, I would take the chance.

Wouldn't, not would

I wouldn't. Though saying that I was blooming hyper after DD's birth by caesarian. Went to stay with PILs for a weekend (2hrs drive from us) when DD was 3 weeks old.

There is a MASSIVE difference between twins and a single baby. It just doesn't stop with twins. If you're breastfeeding it's literally non-stop. So I'm afraid there's no comparison with those who say that they travelled with very young singletons. You get a bit of a break between feeds!!

I am quite relaxed mum of 4 and I say YADNBU. Don't go!

DH can go and you can both line up a grandparent/ friend to come and help you for the duration he'll be away.

YANBU, this happened to me (only it was 2 week old and just one baby). Luckily the bride and groom were really really understanding and let us decide right up until the night before. We also had loads of family support.

Definitely not unreasonable not to go.

YANBU!!

Your DH is clearly in for a big shock when your babies arrive.

I wouldn't have done that trip with a single baby at that age, never mind twins!

Twins though... Lovely! Congratulations and best of luck OP.

How is it possible and why would you bother to try and breast feed twins?

op if you want to stay home with the support of your parents with your DTS, then do it!

I have twins and no, this is just not a good idea!

At 5 weeks they are likely to be on 3 hourly feeds still, will take you 45 mins to feed each one with winding X 2 - doesn't leave much time in between!!

Decline the invite, and then you can stop stressing about it for rest of your pregnancy.

Good luck