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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say no to attending DH's best friends wedding with 5 week old twins?

174 replies

Tinkerbell2003 · 12/08/2016 13:46

Hi,

I'm currently 27 weeks pregnant with twins and we've just received a wedding invite to DH's best friend's wedding which will be 5 weeks after our planned delivery date. The wedding will be held 3.5 hours away from where we live, we will be first time parents to our twins, delivery is likely to be c-section and I'm hoping to EBF.

The bride and groom have said that our LOs will be more than welcome and DH is really keen for us to all attend together. However I have so many worries and the thought of going is getting me really worked up at the moment.

I'm mainly concerned about

  • Taking such tiny babies out to a large gathering of (mostly) strangers before their immunisations.
  • We'll still be getting to grips with being new parents.
  • The fact that I think I'll spend most of my time in another room BFing rather than attending the wedding anyway.
  • Being horribly sleep deprived at that point.
  • Potentially still being uncomfortable after a c-section.
  • Not really feeling up to getting dressed up and looking presentable by then.
  • Not having home comforts to escape to for 2 nights.
  • Other people wanting to hold/touch our newborns.

DH is so much more laid back than me and thinks I'm being too negative, whereas I think I'm just being realistic. I'm happy for him to go on his own and enjoy himself (my parents will come and stay with me for company) but our inability to agree over this is causing arguements between us and making me feel completely stressed out.

AIBU? What would you do?

OP posts:
lamprey42 · 13/08/2016 02:47

Yanbu. All of your reasons are perfectly valid and there is the option for your husband to go alone. If you were devastated about not going I'm sure with planning it would be possible but since you are not stay put. I have twins and there is a lot of feeding at that age - like someone else said above they might cluster feed a lot in the evenings if bf and hard to tandem feed discreetly when they are tiny. You are also likely to be sleep deprived and possibly still sore if you have a section (although I was fine after a couple of weeks). Hats off to the mother who flew with tiny twins and two others but I'd say make life simple for yourself if you can.

chocoLit · 13/08/2016 03:27

No. And let him read this thread to cement the decision Grin

Off he pops to the wedding with your blessing whilst you get looked after by your parents. He'll probably be desperate for a decent nights kip and spend the evening sleeping Wink

omri · 13/08/2016 04:46

Yanbu. You are completely in the right here. I think you just have to put your foot down on this one. No more arguments with DH- tell him you are declining the invitation but he is free to go of course. End of discussion. And tell him to stop making you feel stressed about it.

Blueberry234 · 13/08/2016 05:28

Yanbu as it is about how you feel and cope. I did attend a wedding with my 5 week old Son which I didn't have any issues with but I only had one, I was formula feeding, second baby and I didn't mind so much about him being held by randoms at the table, I got to eat my dinner with two hands.
I also took him post C section at 2 weeks to her all day hen do - treasure hunt, afternoon tea and evening meal. Right choice for me but not necessarily for everyone

Kr1stina · 13/08/2016 05:56

Hell no

Just to add to your list of potential issues in your first post

  • you don't know for sure what date your babies will be born on so therefore how old they will be
  • you don't know how well you will recover from the operation
  • you may still be bleeding - I still was at 6 weeks and found it hard to manage as I'd bleed heavily while sitting BF, then everyhthing woudl flood when I stood up ( sorry if TMI) . So I'd be desperate for something to eat and drink after an hour feeding and I'd have to go to shower and change . Also heavy bleeding On hotel sheets isn't fun Blush
  • you will be awake and starving at random times in the day and night , it won't be easy to get something to eat in a hotel
  • you will still be establishing BF - some babies take a while to learn , especially if they are small or premature . Yours may be both .
  • you will spend most of the time in the hotel room, stripped to the waist , sitting uncomfortably ON THE BED because there won't be a sofa. And your Dh will need to be there too to help you. So he won't get to much of the wedding either.
puglife15 · 13/08/2016 06:11

I could've taken either of mine to a wedding 5 weeks pp no probs

But:
Would have really struggled with car journey. 3.5 hour journey recently took us c6.5 hours with 4 month old
They were singles
I established bf easily
No C-Section or birth complications
They hadn't yet "woken up"

No.no.no.no.no.

ChorusLine69 · 13/08/2016 06:19

Yanbu - you are being sensible and realistic. I went to a wedding 2 hours away when DS was around 5 weeks and we were so tired we couldn't really enjoy it, and that was with my family there helping us. You should defs keep things as stress free and simple as you can for a while, especially with twins.

feesh · 13/08/2016 06:25

Definitely a NO from me! I have twins and the first few months will nearly break you. I wouldn't even let DH go if I were you. When my twins were tiny, I honestly went to pieces (real, sobbing tears) if he was more than 5 minutes late coming back from work. I don't want to scare you, but having newborn twins is really, really hard. My DH crashed his car THREE times in the first few weeks, because we were just existing on 20 minute naps between feeds. (We fed at 3 hourly intervals - yes 'we' - it was a two-man job, even breastfeeding required the help of my husband) and each feed took so long that we would have to set the alarm for 20 minutes' time to wake us up for the next feed.

Also, if twins get sick, it's a nightmare as obviously both of them being ill is much more stressful than having one sick baby. And being very tiny when they are born, they are more prone to sickness. For that reason, I kept mine away from crowded places for the first few months - it was hard enough already, without the risk of any of us getting sick.

UnexpectedBaggage · 13/08/2016 06:31

Nope. Just nope.

pearlylum · 13/08/2016 06:48

Probable not a great idea.

I attended a week long conference with my baby when she was 6 weeks old ebf- however ( took her with me) and it was fine.

Brown76 · 13/08/2016 06:53

YANBU I was spending about 8 hours per 24 bf at that stage, with only 1 baby. We did go out for a birthday dinner near home at 4 weeks but friends were smoking and then wanting to hold DS straight afterwards and I hated it, so I understand your worries about them not having had immunisations. You just don't want them handed round like parcels at that early stage. You are being generous agreeing to DH going on his own too, if he will be getting 2 nights sleep in a hotel after 6 weeks of looking after newborns he should be kissing your feet.

HerdsOfWilderbeest · 13/08/2016 06:54

Once they arrive, trust me, he will understand why you will have to decline. For the moment just say you'll think about it.

Potplant · 13/08/2016 07:13

Just getting out to the post office with 2 newborns is a huge feat of logistics.

I went to a christening when mine were similar age. We were an hour late so missed the actual christening and the church is within walking distance of my house. We left after about an hour as they both needed feeding and I wasnt going to do that in front of a load of people.

Thequilltosurvive · 13/08/2016 07:14

YANBU not to attend the wedding.

YABU to be clean and dressed well enough to leave the house 5 weeks after having twins Grin

Sleepinghooty · 13/08/2016 07:17

Completely against the grain here. I have twins and we did this at 5 weeks. Dh was bestman at a wedding. We drove a couple of hours on the day and stayed at the venue. The couple were really relaxed they invited Dh parents to help me out if Dh was busy. I popped back to our room to bf and I even got an early night while Dh showed off the twins in the evening. Understand if you'd rather not, but you might be fine. Can you wait and see?

JaiOm · 13/08/2016 07:53

Someone came to my DB wedding with a two week old and had a great time. Slept in pram or was feeding

However twins?!?! No way

Kr1stina · 13/08/2016 13:53

You're a better woman than me Sleeping Star

galaxygirl45 · 13/08/2016 18:36

As a mum and now grandmother, I'd be very wary of having such young babies exposed to a large amount of people... my 2nd got brionchiolitis at 10 days old that she got from a visitor that came with a snuffle to see us. She ended up in intensive care for 5 days being ventilated and tube fed....not something you want to go through, trust me. With twins, everyone will want to pick up and hold them, and I'd be far from happy about it. Even if you are breastfeeding, you can't rely on their immune systems (mine was born at 37 weeks). I know you can't wrap them in bubble wrap but you can also not take unnecessary risks. I'd send DH on his own, and enlist whatever support you can while he's away!!

Neaders · 13/08/2016 19:17

I think you should allow your DH to read these responses.

I've had 2 babies, and 2 sections - recovery aint easy! You will be recovering from major surgery and very tired. You probably wont have the energy, nor the desire to converse with strangers.
Your DH will realise this himself once the babies arrive. If I were you, I would put it aside for now and agree to review the situation the week before the wedding (I'm sure the bride and groom will understand your late RSVP - most hotels allow them to confirm FINAL numbers 3 days before the wedding). I would bet my next month's wage that his perspective will change!!

Good luck with the babies!!!!

feesh · 13/08/2016 20:02

Yes galaxygirl that is a good point - bronchiolitis is a big issue for twins - Tamba have a campaign about it every year.

Can you put DH in touch with any other twin dads through your local twins' support group? Tamba website has details. I think he needs a bit of a wake up call about how much work he is going to have to do when they arrive.

skinnyamericano · 13/08/2016 23:08

I went to my best friend's wedding with a 9 day old DS. I have no idea how the hell I got there ( luckily was local), but the whole day was a complete blur. I had even considered being bridesmaid at one point, but thankfully saw sense.

This was only 1 baby and v local.

I would say it's going to be too much for you, you won't enjoy it, and you will be absolutely drained for days afterwards. Sometime you have to think who you're doing it for, and in this case it's definitely not in your interests.

Anonymouses · 13/08/2016 23:14

Local I would do it but not away from home and I bounced back fast from natural deliveries.

Maisy313 · 13/08/2016 23:37

Don't do it! But please don't give him permission to go alone unless you have someone who will come and help night and day, you will need him! Especially if he's back to work as you will be going 12 days with no break...

aimees75 · 13/08/2016 23:44

I have 6 month old twins. There is not a chance that you will want to leave the comfort of your home to go to a wedding, you will still be completely fixated on your babies and rightly so. 5 weeks after my c-section I was still very much recovering and I imagine you may well be too.
Congratulations by the way! Q

nicoladicola · 14/08/2016 02:28

If you think you will regret going in the future then go but if you can't envisage that then don't go.Send your husband on his own x