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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To blame DD's friend for driving her home when over the limit

96 replies

ciderwithtoby · 11/08/2016 10:29

DD is off to Uni in September, she is a great girl who has always seemed to strike a good balance in life and been pretty responsible around alcohol until a couple of weeks ago.

She met up with a friend in a local pub who was in the year above at school and is back from Uni for the Summer. It was just the two of them. I offered to pick her up but she said her friend wouldn't be drinking and would drop her off.

DD arrived home, having been dropped off, clearly pretty drunk, slurring her words, staggering. The friend did not leave the car when dropping off DD. It transpired that she had downed 3 pints of cider in 2 hours and the friend had 3 or 4. She claimed not to realise this would mean the friend was over the limit (!)

We are in a rural area with no taxis or public transport at night. DD had no credit on her phone.

AIBU to be totally passed off at DD' 's friend and think that his irresponsibility is in a different league to DD' 's here.

He may be 19 but I so feel like reporting him to stop him putting anyone else's life at risk.

OP posts:
JoandMax · 11/08/2016 10:32

Yes of course be pissed off at him but also at your daughter!!

I'm afraid I don't believe at all a 18 year old wouldn't realise 3/4 pints would make someone over the limit.......

Aworldofmyown · 11/08/2016 10:33

YABU to be pissed off with him.

You should also be equally pissed off with your daughter, she got stupidly drunk and then got in a car with someone who was clearly over the limit.
She needs to learn to take some responsibility for herself.

Aworldofmyown · 11/08/2016 10:33

Sorry, i meant YADNBU to be pissed with him at all.

Whoops!

99GBPChargeToUseMyPostsJournos · 11/08/2016 10:33

Both to blame imo.

I have an 18yo and a 20yo, and they both know not to get in a car with someone that has been drinking.

Only one was breaking the law though and ywnbu to report him. Its not just his and your dd who's lives were at risk. Other car drivers /passengers and pedestrians lives were too.

Redglitter · 11/08/2016 10:34

No point in reporting him now hell be in bed sleeping.

They were both irresponsible. Him for driving and her for getting in the car with him. I think I'd be having some very strong words with her later

Ihatechoosingnames · 11/08/2016 10:34

Both to blame. Both stupid in that situation

JudyCoolibar · 11/08/2016 10:35

They were both totally irresponsible in my view. I doubt that there's much point reporting him now, it's too late for the police to do anything.

Missgraeme · 11/08/2016 10:35

Your dd chose to get in his car. At 19 she is responsible for making her own choices /decisions surely? Just be thankful they made it home safely. Doubt she will do it again. And if u see the dude give him hell!

PaintedDrivesAndPolishedGrass · 11/08/2016 10:35

The responsibility for getting in a car with a driver known to have been drinking lies with your daughter.
I believe the Police can only act if they catch the driver actually drink driving. After the fact there is no evidence of any crime.

ElodieS · 11/08/2016 10:36

YANBU, I'd be pretty annoyed with both of them to be honest. Ultimately your DD needs to know how to keep herself safe though and shouldn't have got into the car. I don't think there's much you can do about the friend if he's 19, but I'd certainly be having a fairly stern word with DD to explain what it means to be over the limit, how to judge whether its safe to get into the car with someone and what her alternative options might have been. Does DD drive herself? I know that until I learnt to drive myself I didn't really understand how much concentration it takes and how dangerous it can be, so she may need to be taught to judge when another driver is safe or not if she isn't on herself yet.

If you know the friend's parents I'd probably mention it just to make sure they were aware, but I don't think you can do much more than that as far as the friend is concerned I'm afraid.

This would scare the hell out of me though, YANBU

humblesims · 11/08/2016 10:36

yes I think the blame here is equal. she should not have got in the car with him and made other arrangements.

HermioneJeanGranger · 11/08/2016 10:36

Both of them are at fault.

He shouldn't have gotten in the car, but neither should your DD. She should know better than to get into a car with someone who was drinking, tbh.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 11/08/2016 10:37

I would be pissed off at them both.

He obviously shouldn't have driven after drinking, but your dd needs to be more responsible too. She could have called the police when he got in the car and they would have arrested him and taken her home. She could have explained to the pub staff that he was pissed and was her lift and could they call you. She could have found a payphone and called you. She could have borrowed someone else's mobile. There was no need for her to get into the car with him.

Mari50 · 11/08/2016 10:38

Both are to blame and you should be angry with your daughter for getting into a car with someone who has been drinking. You can report him if you feel it's necessary but will that stop your daughter getting into a car with another intoxicated driver? Your daughter is your responsibility and it seems to me she needs some education in this. I do appreciate how pissed off you are though.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 11/08/2016 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 11/08/2016 10:40

Id be annoyed with my dd more actually for getting in the car with someone who had been drinking. Or for having not came home before he sank 3/4 pints and also did he not have credit in his phone she could of borrowed to call you? Obviously id be annoyed at him too but more at my dd.

I find it really worrying that she was so drunk after three pints of cider over two hours when she's leaving to go to uni. She must have quite a low tolerance so you need to drill into her to be careful because if she tries to keep up at uni with friends sinking loads of drinks, she could end up in a vulnerable state. Also, is she getting a contract for uni so she can always contact people without worrying about credit running out if she gets in a similar situation.

Oblomov16 · 11/08/2016 10:41

Your dd shouldn't have been in such a state to be slurring and staggering.
She shouldn't have got in the car.
Its HER responsibility. I don't know why you are blaming the friend.

Jizzomelette · 11/08/2016 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tosto · 11/08/2016 10:44

Equal blame of course! She could have asked the pub to call you if she had no phone credit. And he had no phone credit too I suppose?!

I was in a rural pub quite recently and there seemed to be a lot of drink driving - one guy in there (in his late 20s) honestly thought he'd be fine if breathalysed after 3 pints of lager.

Alisvolatpropiis · 11/08/2016 10:44

Equal blame, in my opinion.

Your daughter wasn't forced to get in the car and I strongly doubt she didn't realise that her friend was over the limit.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 11/08/2016 10:51

no phone credit, but money for booze?

both as bad as the other...I'd give the driver a serious talking to, and ditto for dd

it's pretty much dodgy to even have a single drink with a meal these days so how on earth a relatively newly qualified driver would not be aware of drink drive limits is beyond me.

my lot have all been the eldest in their years and so were driving chums about....they all had the talk about nonsense in cars, being in charge of other people's lives and futures. Same for being passengers...no matter where or when CALL US, do not get in with drunks!

youarenotkiddingme · 11/08/2016 10:55

Your dd is responsible for her choices.

Her friend is responsible for his.

Your DD could have asked landlord of pub to use phone and call for lift as friend over limit. Any landlord would allow this than allow someone to drink drive.

WheresLarry · 11/08/2016 10:59

You've obviously had a bit of a fright OP and started thinking of the 'what ifs'. You should be annoyed at both of them, friend shouldn't have driven after 4 drinks and your DD should know better.

Police won't do anything now so no point in reporting. Be glad your DD is home safe and have an honest, frank discussion about how dangerous it was and how she needs to take some responsibility for her own safety.

VestalVirgin · 11/08/2016 11:01

Your daughter wasn't forced to get in the car and I strongly doubt she didn't realise that her friend was over the limit.

Well, she was very drunk. I don't drink, so not sure how incapacitated this makes someone, but apparently her friend promised to not drink, so she had reason to rely on him being the reasonable one who would keep her from doing stupid things while drunk.

That's not a nice thing to do, and I should think the blame is about 70% on him, at least.

Law seems to agree with me, as drunk drivers are held responsible for their actions, not drunk passengers. If you know you will have to drive, you don't drink.

Original poster
ciderwithtoby · 11/08/2016 11:04

We have had all the talks in the past and DD has always been scathing towards teens drink driving or putting themselves at risk by getting in a car riven by a drunk.

That's why I'm so incandescent, which stems from the worry that she could put herself at such risk. Especially as she's off to Uni in a few weeks.

The "friend" is really something else though. He is studying a science and philosophy degree at Oxbridge FGS!! They presumably spend lots of time examining the basis of morality with the finest minds in the country amongst other things- doesn't extend to not putting your friend's like at risk. But apparently there is a huge drinking culture there. He apparently bought all the drinks not that that is an excuse.

I was so looking forward to DD going off to Uni but this has really knocked me for six.

I've already had stern words with DD who is out for the day now. I jst never though she would be so stupid.

OP posts: