To blame DD's friend for driving her home when over the limit

[ciderwithtoby]

DD is off to Uni in September, she is a great girl who has always seemed to strike a good balance in life and been pretty responsible around alcohol until a couple of weeks ago.

She met up with a friend in a local pub who was in the year above at school and is back from Uni for the Summer. It was just the two of them. I offered to pick her up but she said her friend wouldn't be drinking and would drop her off.

DD arrived home, having been dropped off, clearly pretty drunk, slurring her words, staggering. The friend did not leave the car when dropping off DD. It transpired that she had downed 3 pints of cider in 2 hours and the friend had 3 or 4. She claimed not to realise this would mean the friend was over the limit (!)

We are in a rural area with no taxis or public transport at night. DD had no credit on her phone.

AIBU to be totally passed off at DD' 's friend and think that his irresponsibility is in a different league to DD' 's here.

He may be 19 but I so feel like reporting him to stop him putting anyone else's life at risk.

limitedperiodonly - that's my point: teach your children how to be responsible with drink driving and if they don't follow the lesson, blame them, not anyone else.

We are in a rural area with no taxis or public transport at night. DD had no credit on her phone.

What does that ^^ have to do with anything, if she's claiming that she didn't know he was over the limit?

Either way, it's a good thing this has happened before Uni as hopefully it will make her think if she's in that position again.

VestalVirgin yes, she was drunk, but she knew how much the friend had to drink, so it is no defence that she was too drunk to make a choice.

Op, stop blaming the friend, your daughter has a responsibility to get herself home safely, getting in the car of a drink driver is a stupid decision that only your dd made.

Sorry, tosto. Yes, I agree with you

Ultimately the person behind the wheel holds responsibility IMO. I'd report him.

Ultimately the person behind the wheel holds responsibility

The driver only holds responsibility for themselves and their decision to drive after drinking.
The passenger holds all the responsibility for their decision to get in the car.

We have had those conversations many times before and, as I mentioned upthread, she always thought that teens who drink drive or get in a car with a drunk are idiots. That is why I'm so upset about it, particularly as in a few weeks I won't be down the road to pick her up if she needs it.

The bit I hadn't said was that they shouldn't have 'even a liqueur chocolate' as someone said here earlier. I had said no more than one drink which I realise now was not the best approach. Perhaps her decision making skills were already shaky by then, or perhaps she's just changed her mindset.

At least , as a PP said, if all goes to plan she'll be in a big city with good public transport and hopefully none of her new student friends will have a car anyway.

FWIW my point about her "friend" was that it seems pretty hypocritical to sit around expensively navel gazing about the meaning of life and morality for 3 years but still be too selfish and stupid to behave decently to the people around you in the real world. He said he wouldn't drink and would bring her home safely. He lied.

No don't put the blame on him when your daughter who is going to university should have known better! She has a brain of her own doesn't she? She is the one responsible for her choices, so hold her accountable.

Yes Soup that's exactly what I meant. But I'm talking in terms of if there was an accident.

The OP's daughter is an adult.

She holds ultimate responsibility for herself and her own actions.

Report him for what?

Drunk driving?

There is absolutely zero proof now.

DD has always been scathing towards teens drink driving or putting themselves at risk by getting in a car riven by a drunk.

I was a vociferously sanctimonious teen too. Most of them are. I'm surprised you never went through that phase. Generally, your principles stop just at the point when the things you want to do, start.

He lied?

But what about your daughter who apparently despises all this drinking and driving? But then she jumps into a car totally hammered? She lied too. So don't dump it on him when she is responsible for herself.

But you didn't see him, he may not have been drunk. If he was buying the drinks he may have bought himself shandy and your dd assumed it was a cider?

If she lived in Japan, she would probably be in custody now. Their drink driving laws mean that anyone in the car is liable for a drunk driver and the legal limit is zero-no drinking at all.
At her age, she may well do to ponder that attitude.

I reported the alcoholic boyfriend to the DVLA. He has now had his licence removed.

I very much doubt that the one led to the other veryproud Perhaps you can explain. But I'm not going to call you PO or humourless. If you see an offence taking place you should call 999.

Yes, you're right. I know she is to blame too - we have already had a serious discussion this morning. They were both idiots.
Statistics show I believe that the front seat passenger is more likely to die or be seriously injured than the drunk driver in the event of a crash as their instinct is to swerve to protect themselves.

I still feel so upset- a brisk walk at lunchtime might help.

In the meantime if anyone has any links to help with an evening discussion of the risks of drink driving please post them.
I've ordered the book an PP suggested as I've other younger children as well and have realised I need to look at our approach again.

You should be pissed off at your DD for getting in the car with a drunk. That is fucking stupid.

I think you should point out to DD that she now knows that when you are intoxicated your judgment and ability to think things through goes out the window.
I hope she felt rotten this morning! That's a great deterrent! There's also the fact that apart from the driving she got herself into a state where she was unable to protect herself. The "nicest" friends can be guilty of date rape.

I have been in a similar situation when I was a barmaid in the summer before uni. One local man would finish work and then come to the pub, stay in there for 5hours then drive his van home. He was never paraletic drunk but had always had at least 5pints, plus a short.
My OH would often walk to meet me from the pub so I wasn't walking back by myself in the dark, and I would always panic that this man would kill him. So one night I did call the police, he had a temporary driving ban.
Last year, he was driving his van home after a session on Boxing Day and drove right into the lake and drowned. He was a 60yr old man who thought he knew better.
I would report this 19yr old for his own sake, and others

Jean There's absolutely no.point in reporting the friend now. Drink driving can't be reported retrospectively like that. There's not a thing the police can do this afternoon about a drink driver last night. It would have had to be reported last night