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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To blame DD's friend for driving her home when over the limit

96 replies

ciderwithtoby · 11/08/2016 10:29

DD is off to Uni in September, she is a great girl who has always seemed to strike a good balance in life and been pretty responsible around alcohol until a couple of weeks ago.

She met up with a friend in a local pub who was in the year above at school and is back from Uni for the Summer. It was just the two of them. I offered to pick her up but she said her friend wouldn't be drinking and would drop her off.

DD arrived home, having been dropped off, clearly pretty drunk, slurring her words, staggering. The friend did not leave the car when dropping off DD. It transpired that she had downed 3 pints of cider in 2 hours and the friend had 3 or 4. She claimed not to realise this would mean the friend was over the limit (!)

We are in a rural area with no taxis or public transport at night. DD had no credit on her phone.

AIBU to be totally passed off at DD' 's friend and think that his irresponsibility is in a different league to DD' 's here.

He may be 19 but I so feel like reporting him to stop him putting anyone else's life at risk.

OP posts:
TheFairyCaravan · 11/08/2016 11:07

Both to blame.

Our children could both drive at 18, however long before that they knew that drinking 3 or 4 pints of cider put you well over the legal limit to drive.

pasturesgreen · 11/08/2016 11:08

Another one thinking they're both to blame here.

Also, I'd be worried about your DD going out with no credit on her phone.

madein1995 · 11/08/2016 11:12

YANBU. He shouldn't have drank. But your dds at fault too. In situations like that she needs to be selfish and just not get in the car. aren't there those reverse call numbers she could ring to phone you? or ask someone in pub/club if she could use their phone and pay them a few quid for the trouble? I'm pretty sure all bars and pubs have a phone, if not I'm sure the bar staff/landlord/whatever wouldn't have objected to her using their phone for 2 minutes, no matter the circumstances there is always a better option than getting in a car with someone who's been drinking, even if it offends them. Personally I'd be more pissed off at dd for recklessly endangering her life, she should have put herself and her safety first. Unless she's used to seeing people drinking and driving I cant see how she'd think him under the limit. Even if it was under the limit, id be hesitant to get in car and would prob make excuse and call home but ultimately might still get in car. Over 2 pints and no way would I get in the car. Your dd needs to know this, especially st uni when kids drive still drunk the next day, she needs to know how much is too much and when to say no.

SoupDragon · 11/08/2016 11:13

He was at fault for driving having been drinking (assuming your DDs knowledge of what he was drinking is accurate)

She was at fault for getting in the car with him.

TBH, I would ensure that my child had a phone contract that is unlikely to ever run out of call time though.

Welshrainbow · 11/08/2016 11:14

Completely disagree with this. The mother offered a lift as soon as this boy had the first pint she would have known she shouldn't get into a car with him no matter how drunk she was at the time. So what if she didn't have credit on her phone, she could have borrowed his or asked the pub if she could borrow the phone most would be more than happy to let a young girl make a call to avoid her getting into a car with a drunk driver. She needs to take responsibility for her own actions and know how serious the outcome could have been. Blame lies solely at her feet for getting into the car with him. Obviously he shouldn't have been driving in the first place but that is a completely separate issue. Would never condone his actions but what if something has happened to the two of them, I imagine the boy's family could look at it a completely different way and say that her failure to organise her own transport after he had the first drink made him decide to do something stupid and driver her because he felt guilty. This would still be unacceptable but just showing how they could see it. They have both been very very stupid and you should all be grateful that this time there were no consequences.

GabsAlot · 11/08/2016 11:14

why couldnt she borrow his phone to come and get u?

sorry but i think shes mad getting in the car with him-a for him i just feel sorry for anyone coming towards him in another car-one day theywont be so lucky

bigbluebus · 11/08/2016 11:17

I think your DD needs to learn to risk assess situations better and to make sure she has a contingency plans for getting home ie phone charged and emergency cash. You can blame her friend, but unless he actually forced your DD to get into the car then the responsibility ultimately rests with her. I know of a young man at Uni who had a very lucky escape recently when in this situation and unfortunately the driver lost control of the car and crashed.

Alisvolatpropiis · 11/08/2016 11:18

A lot of what the daughter has said sounds like she's lying to try and cover her own arse and her friends, to be perfectly honest. Especially given how angry the op is.

I'd have lied too, at that age, if my mum was talking about reporting my friend to the police.

Underparmummy · 11/08/2016 11:18

She shouldn't have got in the car, could have borrowed pub phone to ring you.

HermioneJeanGranger · 11/08/2016 11:21

Why did she get in the car with him, though?

LIZS · 11/08/2016 11:21

I think you should be more angry at her for accepting the lift and not finding a way to call.

FV45 · 11/08/2016 11:22

Your DD is entirely responsible for herself. She chose to get in a car with someone over the limit.

She needs to know what to do if she gets in the situation again.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 11/08/2016 11:24

My parents absolutely drilled into me when I was a teenager that the second someone had so much as a liqueur chocolate that I wasn't to go in a car with them.

They also said that if I was ever stuck for a lift then I was to phone them and they would come straight away - even if 3am - and not say a word to me about it.

Original poster
ciderwithtoby · 11/08/2016 11:27

Mumof- we just had that conversation this morning!

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 11/08/2016 11:33

Afraid I agree that it's her fault as much as his.

veryproudvolleyballmum · 11/08/2016 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TendonQueen · 11/08/2016 11:35

Although one cheering point might be that this scenario is very unlikely to reoccur at uni as there will be plenty of public transport day and night in urban areas, and between them and campuses for most out of town unis.

bloodyteenagers · 11/08/2016 11:36

He isn't responsible for her.
She made the decisions.
She could have managed her booze intake better and paced herself. She didn't.
She could have made a call, I mean come on no wifi in the pub to make a fb or what's app call, no phone in the pub and no one had a mobile?
She made the choice to get into the car.

It doesn't matter if he was a year or 10 years older. She has to take responsibility for herself and say no. If she goes along with what any older person says she may have bigger issues in future that getting in a car with a drunk driver.

limitedperiodonly · 11/08/2016 11:37

Your daughter is equally to blame and you know this even though you are not admitting it.

At her age and slightly older I used to let people drive me while we were both drunk, in the smug knowledge that they were risking their licence, not mine. I don't know why that made me think I was invincible from serious injury or death, or that I didn't think we might kill anyone else - just selfish and stupid, I guess.

I don't know why you made the comments about him going to Oxbridge and 'finest minds' and all that. He and your daughter are both irresponsible young people.

You are going to have to learn to cope with this unpleasant, worrying but entirely normal aspect of your daughter's personality. I grew out of it. I expect she will too, if she lives.

lougle · 11/08/2016 11:38

She needs to read Izzy, willy-nilly by Cynthia Voigt. It's about a girl who went to a party and let a boy drive her home. He was drunk. She lost her leg in the car accident that resulted.

I read the book as a teenager and I've never forgotten it.

tosto · 11/08/2016 11:38

The "friend" is really something else though. He is studying a science and philosophy degree at Oxbridge FGS!! They presumably spend lots of time examining the basis of morality with the finest minds in the country amongst other things- doesn't extend to not putting your friend's like at risk

Your daughter allowed her friend to put his life at risk - did she tell the pub staff to take his car keys off him or call the police if he wouldn't hand them over? No, she got in the car and was just as guilty as him.

It's not his professors' job to have taught him not to do that... it's his parents', just as it is your job to teach your DD not to do it.

gamerchick · 11/08/2016 11:40

They're both to blame, she shouldn't have got in the car drunk or not.

I don't understand what her going to uni multiple in times in your post has to do with it. You can be brainy and without common sense at the same time.

gamerchick · 11/08/2016 11:43

In fact a 'real friend' would have taken his keys from him so meh. Totally equal in blame.

limitedperiodonly · 11/08/2016 11:43

It's not his professors' job to have taught him not to do that... it's his parents', just as it is your job to teach your DD not to do it.

I agree with the bit about the professor but not the parents. My parents gave me very good advice. Didn't mean I always followed it. They didn't blame my friends for my stupidity though.

99GBPChargeToUseMyPostsJournos · 11/08/2016 11:45

Op, sounds like you could have done with having that conversation before now. I had that conversation with my kids the first time they went out somewhere they needed a lift for where alcohol was a possibility.

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