To think Dh is wrong to blame me for stepson not visiting.

[AmandaIsHere]

My stepson (16) is no longer visiting as often as he used to. Dh usually has him from Friday evenings to Sunday afternoons. No we moved last year about 12 miles away which is not that far but to teenagers it's like being on the other side of the country. Dh has gotten quite angry with me because he blames me for stepson not visiting as I took away his bedroom a few months ago. Basically I have two children from my last marriage (16 and 13) who live full time at our house. Me and dh have a two year old together, we had to give the two year his own room because he needs a special care because of a physical disability. This room is on the ground floor unlike the other bedrooms and we will probably modify it with age to suit his needs. My father had the same condition and did not have the help at a young age causing his problems to increase later in life. Dh although agreeing to the plans said that he thinks my 13 and 16 year old should share the double. I objected because I don't think the bedrooms are big enough for two teenagers plus they are here full time. I did resent stepson about the bedroom because he did not want to move his stuff despite Me and dh explaining how it would help with the two year old. He hasn't been round here as much since I asked him to help with looking after his little brother when I had to look after my seriously ill sister at the time. When he is round I try and steer clear and leave him alone as much as possible because we do clash. But I leave to dh and he just sits and leaves all the work up to dh and my ds 16. He doesn't show much care for his younger brother at all really. I don't think I should be blamed for him not visiting I think that he'd rather be with friends. Dh has invited him to go on holiday but he is not going. I think it's important for Dh to have a relationship with his son but stepson knows that Dh will come to him and that he can avoid all of us if he doesn't visit. This is a bit selfish because it takes Dh away from us. Dh is like a dad to my two older kids who lost their father when they were young.

So am I being unreasonable?

Did OP come back?!

2kids I do feel bad for the Op's older child having to give up some of his space, but DSS only stays 2 nights a week.

Why keep a room for 5 nights a week for a child who isn't there, when it can be used by a child who is there every day and night? I think it's the lesser of the two evils in getting the DSS to share a room the 2 nights he stays, rather than the 2 year old camping in his parents' room 7 nights a week.

YABVVU

I think you must know that by now OP, since you don't appear to be coming back.

Your poor SS.

3lovelyboys, do you really see making space for a stepchild as an evil!? It should be something the family as a whole is more than happy to do for one family member.

Not something done grudgingly.

Hello, I'm the op.

I have made some changes after reading this thread, I've realised I have been a bit of a bad stepmother not giving dss his space.

So dss original bedroom is still going to ds 2 because it is downstairs. This is because he has a disability as stated.

We are going to extend into the loft In September which will give dss a bedroom.

Dss has visited today and we are going out tomorrow to buy an actual permanent bed. Dss is going to share with my 16 year old until then.

I suppose I made the decision about bedrooms too quickly because I was concerned and worried about my two year olds needs. I am sorry that we made dss feel unwelcome and I am going to make him feel welcome. I didn't like my dh traveling over because he would have days out together rather than with us as a family. I am not against 1:1 but not all trips out should be like that.

I clash with dss because I think that teenagers should help out around the house. I am not sure about what his mum makes him so but he refuses to do any task I ask him. My other sons help out so much without being asked.

With ds (2) he does need a lot of care. I will often ask to help from my sons because it can get too much sometimes.

I think dss needs to be more willing to help out with his brother and in the house. I have tried incentives like paying him but he can't be asked.

But back to the original point, I am going to think extra carefully about what I do and how that might make dss feel. He did seem alright when I picked him up, he has been playing x-box with ds 16 since he arrived so that's all good.

Glad you took on board the comments op although I still think it's abig ask expecting an 16 year old boy who doesn't live with his sibling and unsure of his needs to care for him it could be a lot for some adults to do. I wouldn't put too much on him the terms of chores at the moment let him settle back into your family which he seems to be doing.

No I'm not asking for chores yet. When I mean asking for help I mean simple things. They have all been taught about what to do and how they can help.

Be careful op if he's felt abit pushed out you don't want to be seen as bossy, let him settle in first without asking him to do stuff, take you're time here things are still fresh

Will do, but I can't get why he doesn't really care it upsets me as well because I don't want ds (2) to think he is not liked by his older half brother but that's the way it looks. After all it is his sibling.

There's many factors that might affect their relationship a large age gap for start, your DS disability your DSS might be unaware how to deal with appropriately or simply the fact that his dad has another son who he lives with full time. You can't force a relationship between them. Some siblings that live together don't always see eye to eye. He is an 16 year old and he will be into his own things.

I wouldn't be doing chores at a house where I didn't even have a proper bed. It's just so screamingly obvious that you really don't like him.

You want him to help out with chores fair enough but dont be too pushy after whats happened.

As for him looking after a 2 year old..........too much IMO. Not his responsibility. He can be close to him as a brother without babysitting him.

Neither would I. Who'd want to visit only to be made to do chores and babysit younger siblings for a person who moved house where you had no bedroom.

Your children shouldn't be caring for their younger brother, he's your responsibility not theirs. Likewise the house. They are children.

Ok don't agree with the babysitting but don't see why he shouldn't do (basic) chores like the other kids?

Would you do chores at a house where you didn't have a room or a bed? It's not his home.

Maybe because he doesn't have a BED like the other kids?

She's sorting him a room and a bed.

But to answer your question... Yes I would and have done in the past. I don't like mess.

He's 16, and doesn't live with you full time. He will never say it, but even though you have shown him what to do, he will (completely understandably!) lack confidence on how to handle any situations with the 2 year old. Doubly so if he doesn't have any experience with "normal" toddlers.

The chores; I'm not surprised he's less than willing to muck in and help out a step mother who has always made it clear she isn't thrilled he's part of the family and begrudges him bed space. Also, he is a teen just because your two are always willing to help out, doesn't mean they all are (in my experience, your two are the "unusual" ones). You need to stop comparing him to your two, because if it comes across in person like it does in your posts, it's pretty clear you don't think he's as good as your two. I had that with a sister, and it was soul destroying enough.

She can tell him to make his bed and tidy his room after September then can't she. After all if he's hardly ever there its not likely to be his mess.

Well.... Yes she can?

And why can't he have 1:1 trips with his dad? Your children live with his father full time, and DSS only gets part time contact. Surely less but more concentrated time is fair?

You forget that a teen (confused and angsty at the best of times!) has over the last 5(?) years had to deal with the fact that his dad has moved in with and married another woman, produced another child (who also needs extra care due to a disability), and is playing happy families with his new family including his wife's children.

Poor kid's probably been on a roller coaster of emotions and turmoil over the last few years and you don't expect bumps in the road? Cut the kid a break.