To think Dh is wrong to blame me for stepson not visiting.

[AmandaIsHere]

My stepson (16) is no longer visiting as often as he used to. Dh usually has him from Friday evenings to Sunday afternoons. No we moved last year about 12 miles away which is not that far but to teenagers it's like being on the other side of the country. Dh has gotten quite angry with me because he blames me for stepson not visiting as I took away his bedroom a few months ago. Basically I have two children from my last marriage (16 and 13) who live full time at our house. Me and dh have a two year old together, we had to give the two year his own room because he needs a special care because of a physical disability. This room is on the ground floor unlike the other bedrooms and we will probably modify it with age to suit his needs. My father had the same condition and did not have the help at a young age causing his problems to increase later in life. Dh although agreeing to the plans said that he thinks my 13 and 16 year old should share the double. I objected because I don't think the bedrooms are big enough for two teenagers plus they are here full time. I did resent stepson about the bedroom because he did not want to move his stuff despite Me and dh explaining how it would help with the two year old. He hasn't been round here as much since I asked him to help with looking after his little brother when I had to look after my seriously ill sister at the time. When he is round I try and steer clear and leave him alone as much as possible because we do clash. But I leave to dh and he just sits and leaves all the work up to dh and my ds 16. He doesn't show much care for his younger brother at all really. I don't think I should be blamed for him not visiting I think that he'd rather be with friends. Dh has invited him to go on holiday but he is not going. I think it's important for Dh to have a relationship with his son but stepson knows that Dh will come to him and that he can avoid all of us if he doesn't visit. This is a bit selfish because it takes Dh away from us. Dh is like a dad to my two older kids who lost their father when they were young.

So am I being unreasonable?

So hes not good enough to have a bed of his own but hes good enough to look after a baby/toddler that it wasnt his choice to have.

Hes probably feeling disrespected and used.

Whatever you do someone's going to pissed off but seemingly it's ok if it's ops kids who get the short straw!
OP's kids get to live full time in one house with their Mum, siblings and a man they regard as their Dad and you think THEY get the short straw? You don't happen to be a step parent by any chance?
It isn't about 'bribing' him back with a room to himself. Different kids will have different needs at different times. Right now this kid's Dad needs to reassure him that he has a place in this family, and yes, as so much of a mess has been made of it perhaps there will need to be overcompensation for a while until things are in a better place. The alternative is that he will disengage from this family, and from his Dad. You seem OK with that?

User1469284065: I couldn't agree more. "happy parents, happy kids" is completely the wrong way around. As a parent it should be "happy kids, happy parents". That doesn't mean indulging them or spoiling them, but it does mean understanding why they are unhappy and taking steps to resolve it.

Yabu. You bought a too small of a house for your family. Why can't 2 yr old be in with you and your dh? It isn't as if he is going to be in his room unsupervised. Surely he can be carried up and down the stairs for a few years yet if he is unable to use them without injury or strain.

It doesn't take long to convert a garage and if the funds are there, a builder can do it in a matter of weeks. The room should have been set up BEFORE chucking dss out of his bedroom. AND both 16 yr olds (ds/dss) should have been asked if they preferred a room in the garage or in the house. If they both couldn't agree, then toss a coin. The more I read these comments, the more I think op is a disgrace.

Spring Why should the OP's 2 year old have to share a room with the OP and her DH? It makes more sense for her DSS to share a room with one of the OP's teenagers. What's wrong with bunk beds?

The OP is never coming back, is she?

I am a step parent actually, dss has his own room so don't worry I'm not a wicked stepmother

I've said about 5 times he needs his own space but he does not need his own room.

Oh and it's not ops fault that dss doesn't live with his mum and dad (as far as we know!) is it?

I'm not saying anyone should disengage anyone but I don't believe in buying anyone's love, time is so much more important.

Dss would benefit more from quality time with his dad, on his own, than his own room that he is barely in.

Well Milky, I think it's interesting all the same that I have picked up on so much hostility from you towards the idea that the currently unhappy step child, whose relationship with his Dad is at risk, should get a scrap of anything extra over and above the OP's DC.

It's not about whether it's OP's fault that the father's first marriage broke up. It's about whether she is deliberately preventing her husband from putting his son's needs first, and that seems very much the case.
She's in this situation by choice while her step son is not. If, as an adult, she didn't want to put her convenience and needs second to her husband's child then she should have had the decency not to marry someone with a child. If she couldn't accommodate a 4th child without squeezing out her husband's existing child then she shouldn't have had one. Mostly I think it's her husband's fault for not standing up to her. He knows she is wrong and he should be standing up for his son.

And he can't have more time with his Dad because OP resents that too and calls him 'selfish' for taking his Dad away from his 'new' family.

Milky, the op begrudges her partner spending time with his son. The thinks it's more important for him to always be with her and her children.

And he can't have more time with his Dad because OP resents that too and calls him 'selfish' for taking his Dad away from his 'new' family

Well he could if his dad grew some balls and stood up for his child?

I never said op was right.

The kids should be treated EQUALLY. I'm really surprised that nobody seems to agree with this. It's not being hostile at all, it's being fair.

So many posters have said why can't dss share a room with one of ops kids, and they each have their own space within that room. That's all I've said and yet you're jumping at me for being hostile.

Obviously the op is wrong (every time I say that you ignore it but I'll say it again!) and I get why the dss is unhappy.

His dad needs to sort himself out and do what's best for his son. Obviously dss and op don't have a relationship and that needs sorting but first and foremost he needs to spend time with his dad regardless of what op thinks.

A question for those saying that the 16 yo is taking this out on his 2 yo half brother.

How is he suppose to build a relationship with him when he is being forced out of the step family?

Obviously it's difficult, but I don't see why he can't talk to him for five mins or whatever. It's not hard to be nice to a 2yo.

If he's going to resent anyone it should be op not a kid.

I wouldn't expect him ( or ops kids) to babysit at all though personally.

But we don't know if the DSS is talking to the 2 yo, (In the same way that we we don't know what the OP's DH is doing).

But if he is not there, due to being forced out, then its not him that we should be blaming for the situation that is being caused with the 2 yo.

*But we don't know if the DSS is talking to the 2 yo, (In the same way that we we don't know what the OP's DH is doing).

But if he is not there, due to being forced out, then its not him that we should be blaming for the situation that is being caused with the 2 yo.*

No we don't, my earlier post was more in relation to what another poster said.

If he's not there then no I wouldn't expect him to go out of his way to spend time with the 2yo. If he is there, then I'd at the least expect him to acknowledge and be nice to him.

You're right we don't know what the dh is doing but by what ops said, anything her dh wants to do she's not happy about...

OP, all of this is yours and DH's fault for inadequately planning for the families you already had and the extra child you added. Your DSS is not a bolt on.

Well said JenniferYellow

I don't think you are hostile Milky, I think you are lacking in objectivity and very biased towards OP's kids at the expense of the step son. You are hiding behind claims of equality but being fair doesn't mean that everyone has to have exactly the same all the time. Sometimes being fair is about making sure everyone's needs are met so they can enjoy the same level of comfort in the household. By your logic the 4th child shouldn't have special allowances made to meet his particular needs either, because that wouldn't be very equal or fair?
The fact is that the step son won't be getting the same, even if he's sharing a room with his step brother. In that scenario he will always be the visitor invading his step brother's room. He will always see less of his own Dad than his Step Mum and step siblings do. That's not very fair either.
Where you are right is that while OP sounds vile, it's the boy's dad who should be standing up for his son.

Sometimes being fair is about making sure everyone's needs are met so they can enjoy the same level of comfort in the household

That doesn't involve making a 2 year old share a room with his mum and dad so that all 3 teenagers can have a room of their own though. There needs to be a compromise somewhere because 3 older children having a room each whilst the toddler camps in mum and dad's room is not on. Especially when one of them children doesn't live there full time.
The DSS needs his own space and bed, and he should share with someone. Keeping a room for him whilst the 2 year old like I said, camps in his parents room is not meeting the toddler's needs at all. It would meet the DSS's needs sure, but not the toddler's. That seems perfectly fine to some people.

My point exactly.

Of course everyone's needs need to be met. They all have different needs that much is clear.

DSS doesn't need his own room. What he needs is his own space (as does every child whoever it's parents are!!) and to feel welcome in the family. He needs to spend time with his dad. He needs to feel welcomed by his step mum, he needs to feel like he can go there and be part of the family.

Giving him his own room isn't going to repair the relationship, if anything it's going to make his relationship with ops kids worse.

people lose perspective when it comes to step children. I have 4 sisters. none step sisters. we all shared rooms. 2 in one, 3 in the other. the youngest was on a put up bed. we never had an issue then about it or now when looking back. not one of us feels we were excluded or being treated badly. rooms or beds couldn't be magicked up. we accepted this. yet when this is suggested when step children are involved there is outrage. but not when mentioned about a family without step children

But the difference is non step children are always there. And I'm guessing that even though she had a put up bed, she had her own permanent space.

Step kids like this poor lad don't get that. They have a put up bed and live out their suitcases like they are staying in a hotel. It doesn't feel like it's their home. They are made to feel like an less important after thought. Like they aren't considered important enough to factor into major life and family decisions.

Then throw in the fact that the OP has made it clear she resents him taking her DH's time away from HER children and "their family time" (is the step son not a part of their family?!) and that she actively avoids him unless she's wants him to babysit a disabled toddler he barely knows. Of course the poor boy feels left out and unloved!

And thats without even thinking about the possibility that the OP may have been the OW and their affair had caused the breakdown of his first marriage. Which would just open a whole other can of worms.

Agree with madginger.
The emotional baggage is far greater when it comes to step families and that needs to be thought about properly. Otherwise disaffected hurt children grow into damaged and angry adults.
It's not the 'step' part on it's own, it's also the family dynamic, the ages of the children and the individual personalities involved.
Firstly, kids aren't stupid. It's one thing to be under the authority of your own parents. When relations get rocky you hope the child knows that they are your absolute priority and you love them to bits and will always want the best for them, that you care about their feelings. His Dad has moved out and filled his life with three other children. He has to split his time between two houses and he has to live at the weekends under the authority of a woman who doesn't hide the fact that she would rather he wasn't there.
Imagine if the husband announced to his wife that he was off to live with his Mum...he would reassure her that he would still be her husband and she could visit at the weekend (and sleep on a folding bed, storing her things in her MIL's bedroom). Oh yes, and the Mother in Law didn't want her there and didn't want her to spend time on her own with her husband at the weekend.
It sounds ludicrous, and no adult would tolerate it, but that's pretty much what has happened to this boy.
If this were my son and he was voting with his feet to not want to spend time with me in my new home, and this meant that he wouldn't be getting to know his new little brother and that my relationship with him was at risk, then I'd be examining my priorities and living arrangements as a matter of urgency.

If you aren't happy to come second to the needs of your partner's children (even when it's not 'fair') then don't marry someone with kids. Simple.

3lovelyboys

Don't you think it's worse for the OP's older child to have to make space in his room for his stepbrother? Don't you think that's more likely to cause resentment on his behalf? Because Ido.

A two-year-old isn't bothered where he sleeps. There are plenty of parents who have kids much older than that in a "family bed" situation, so I don't see what the problem is putting a toddler in his own cot/bed in the parents' room.

OP needs to think how she would feel if it was her child being pushed out and treated like a pariah in the family.