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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to call my MIL mum?

176 replies

WhatamessIgotinto · 10/08/2016 09:28

DH and I have been together 15 years and married for 13. I have always called his mum by her Christian name, never expected to call her anything else to be honest.

Now all of a sudden she has decided she wants me to call her mum because her friends DIL does. I don't want to a) because it would be weird after all this time and b) she's not my mum.

I have always had a pretty good (if sometimes tricky in the past) relationship with her which I really do make an effort with and we rub along quite nicely now. Or so I thought. Now she's refusing to speak to me unless I agree to call her mum. DH has told her not to be daft but she's insistent that since my SIL has agreed then I should too.

I'm 50. I do not want to call this woman mum and think the whole thing is ridiculous.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 10/08/2016 19:34

YANBU. She sounds Pop Larkin

MalcolmTuckersEyebrows · 10/08/2016 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ForalltheSaints · 10/08/2016 21:04

YANBU- call her 'DH's name's mum by all means.

sue51 · 10/08/2016 21:14

I would be a bit wtf if my son in law called me mum. He's lovely and we get on well but I'm not his mother.

ohdearme1958 · 10/08/2016 21:20

I have the most wonderful daughters in law. But I'm not their mum. I love them but I consider myself to have only been lent them whilst theyre far away from home and married to my sons. I'm their guardian angel . I love them. But they only have one mum.

Arkhamasylum · 10/08/2016 21:40

What about 'Mum Surname'? My mother's mother was 'granny' (i.e REAL granny) while my dad's mum was 'Granny Surname' (second tier granny). Or you could make up a new name which means 'my husband's mother who has lost her senses'. Something like 'mumsband' or 'MIL' (short for Mother-in-Law).

You're right anyway. Just say no. The idea of my child growing up to be hassles into calling someone else 'mum' gives me the rage.

Arkhamasylum · 10/08/2016 21:41

(I'm not saying that all 'Granny Surname's' are second tier grannies, btw, but mine definitely was).

Original poster

WhatamessIgotinto · 10/08/2016 21:51

You sound absolutely lovely ohdear, I bet your DIL's love you to bits.

The thing that's upsetting me a bit is that , although she can be a tricky mare, I really do love my MIL. She hasn't always made it easy for me over the years - she made it very clear from the start that DH could have done better as I was a divorcée which she really wasn't impressed with. But I've really tried and we've butted heads a few times but we get along now. I enjoy her company and I like spending time with her and I do think she loves me too. I don't want us to fall out. But I feel so strongly about this, I miss my mum so much and I've struggled without her. I don't want to call anyone else mum.

OP posts:

Anonymouses · 10/08/2016 22:02

I think I only know 1 person who calls her mil mum and they are very close and she is not close to her own mum. The mil in question has other dils and I've not heard any of the others call her mum so I assume it's my friends choice.

Yadnbu and personally I wouldn't relent as it would make me uncomfortable.

Cantgetmyoldnameback · 10/08/2016 22:05

As she's not speaking to you, why not try writing to her (email or letter)? Maybe explain how you feel, that because your Mum has died it would upset you too much to use that name for anyone else. tell her that you like calling her (her name), and can you all please get back to normal as her grandchildren miss her.

Yorkieheaven · 10/08/2016 22:09

I love my dils too bits and am very proud of them. Grateful too for putting up with my lads

They can call me what they like but I wouldn't dream of expecting them to call me mum.

She's wierd.

CannotEvenDeal · 10/08/2016 22:10

My husband and I call each other's mum 'mum' but I think it's because we both speak different languages so the same word isn't used for each one by each of us. It's quite sweet actually.

The main thing is that we are all comfortable though whereas you clearly are not!

MiddleAgeMiddleEngland · 10/08/2016 22:29

It would be weird to call your mil mum, I could never do it. DH used to call my mum by her first name which she approved of. I used to call his mum Granny as everyone in the family called her that, regardless of their relationship to her.

I hope your mil sorts herself out soon.

HicDraconis · 10/08/2016 22:43

Your MiL is not your mother, it seems very strange that she should start wanting to be called as such after what seems to be a relatively settled and established relationship.

My mother died 14 years ago (before my children were born) and although my MiL has said some truly appalling things (like "you should be nice to me, I'm the only grandmother your children will ever have") - even she hasn't come up with the daft idea that I should call her Mum. That said, my husband doesn't call her Mum either, although admittedly they have an odd relationship at the best of times.

I would tend to leave her to stew for a bit but if you want to sort things out for the sake of family harmony, have her over for a chat and explain why you don't want to call her mum. You could stress that what you call her won't change your feelings towards her and that first names have worked perfectly well up to now.

I would be very hurt if my sons called someone else Mum. Only two people in the world call me Mummy - by the same token I wouldn't expect any future partners of theirs to call me anything other than my name.

ImperialBlether · 10/08/2016 22:52

What did she call her mother in law?

Seren85 · 10/08/2016 22:55

My Grandads (Dads mum) writes "from Mum and Dad" on all cards and presents to my Mum. Mum steadfastly refers to her by her first name. I adore my MIL but would never dream of calling her Mum. I have a Mum already! DH grandparents are harder to call anything but that's another story. Your MIL is being unreasonable and odd.

situatedknowledge · 10/08/2016 22:57

It took me about 5 years of marriage to progress from Mrs DHs surname to her Christian name. Another 5 years in and I progressed to "granny". I would never, ever call her mum.

Owlytellsmesecrets · 10/08/2016 23:01

My mum is dead ..... DH mum is not dead....
She's not my mum... I'd never disrespect my mum by calling her that !
You only get one mum!

janey77 · 10/08/2016 23:07

I've been with my partner for 20 years. I can't remember when exactly, but at some point his mum started signing birthday cards from "mum and dad". I kind of appreciate the gesture, but I've already got a mum and dad so don't need another one. I would find it too weird (and disrespectful to my parents) to call other people mum and dad.... First name only for me!

GiddyOnZackHunt · 10/08/2016 23:08

FIL insists on signing cards 'Dad'.
He doesn't even like me!
My actual Dad is not hugely well and it really irritates me.

Original poster

WhatamessIgotinto · 10/08/2016 23:46

What did she call her mother in law? She called her mum and my own mum called my gran mum (her MIL) but I think that was quite common back then.

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 11/08/2016 00:00

Well if she chooses not to talk to you then it's her loss . My sister is married to a man considerably older than her who is only 6 yrs younger than my mum and he always refers to my mum as mum when he's talking about her - I'm not sure he's ever called her it to her face - but it really grates on me when he does it . Fortunately my own MIL hasn't spoken to me for about 18/19 years so we have no such issues , and I can highly recommend being on non speaking terms with your Inlaws !

AnnaMarlowe · 11/08/2016 01:07

I would sit down with her and explain that you love her and miss spending time with her but are not ever going to call her Mum, and will not be emotionally blackmailed into it.

She presumably doesn't really want to risk losing a relationship with you, thereby damaging her relationship with her DS and GDCs?

Your DH must be both baffled and furious!

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 11/08/2016 08:50

Her possible reasons aren't relevant.

Asking someone if they would do something you'd like = fine.

Kicking off, crying and emotionally blackmailing to get your way if they decide no = not socially acceptable unless you're under five.

You've told her nicely that no, you won't be doing that. That's the end of the conversation. She asked, you considered and replied. The end. If her determination to strop at you for not getting her way is greater than her desire to talk to and be with you that's sad for her. Let her get on with her pout until she clues in that it's not working for her.

MrsKoala · 11/08/2016 09:53

I send Mum and Dad cards and write to mum and dad and then sign from MrsK and MrK and my mum if giving us a card will sign Mum and Dad. If they are just to/from the individual (ie my Mum to DH) then the correct name will be used. I would find it odd if she signed Mum to just him.

My GPs used to write xmas cards to MrsK and Partner, despite knowing exH's name and knowing him for 10 years

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