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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to call my MIL mum?

176 replies

WhatamessIgotinto · 10/08/2016 09:28

DH and I have been together 15 years and married for 13. I have always called his mum by her Christian name, never expected to call her anything else to be honest.

Now all of a sudden she has decided she wants me to call her mum because her friends DIL does. I don't want to a) because it would be weird after all this time and b) she's not my mum.

I have always had a pretty good (if sometimes tricky in the past) relationship with her which I really do make an effort with and we rub along quite nicely now. Or so I thought. Now she's refusing to speak to me unless I agree to call her mum. DH has told her not to be daft but she's insistent that since my SIL has agreed then I should too.

I'm 50. I do not want to call this woman mum and think the whole thing is ridiculous.

OP posts:
ThisPanCan · 10/08/2016 10:38

Are we not doing cute kitten or Guinea Pig memes yet?? I would but I do t know how.

Pandakitchen · 10/08/2016 10:40

YANBU- it is odd.

However, could you agree to call her 'Mum' if she now calls you 'Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock'?

pictish · 10/08/2016 10:44

DH has told her not to be ridiculous but she did the whole sniffy pretending to cry thing so he left her to it.

Well he shouldn't have, he should have kindly and firmly said, "No mum...it's not on for you to cry over this. It's not the sort of thing you can enforce. Whatamess thinks the world of you, but you are not her mum, you're mine. Let this be and end to it."

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 10/08/2016 10:45

Ooh yes. "Mother" would be a good one.

Scarydinosaurs · 10/08/2016 10:48

It would feel incredibly disrespectful to my own mother to call anyone else 'mum'.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 10/08/2016 10:49

I'd politely point out that you couldn't call her "Mum" as it would feel a betrayal of your own Mum, (I'm sorry to hear you lost her) in the same way that her son never called your mum that either, but you could call her MIL if that suited her better. And explain that your children are missing seeing her.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 10/08/2016 10:51

So odd. My mum was only talking about this the other day - DH's mum passed a few years ago but he and her would feel weird if he started calling her mum after 10 years or so!

Apparently my grandparents called their in laws mum or dad.

Lweji · 10/08/2016 10:52

Plump her friend and her DIL, who calls her mum, can't stand the sight of each other

Maybe she can't stand the sight of her mother either. Who knows?
Grin

And
Hello? Can anyone hear me?
Really?
Hmm

Queenbean · 10/08/2016 10:53

Hello? Can anyone hear me?

Oh god, so sorry, didn't realise you had the most important views on the thread Hmm

CastleFeck · 10/08/2016 10:54

If she won't answer the phone how are you supposed to call her anything?

LaContessaDiPlump · 10/08/2016 10:55

Ah. Well in that case....

The other two (MIL's friend and DIL) openly dislike each other but are pretending to be close by using that name.

Your MIL wants to present the same image of family closeness (regardless of whether it is real). She is now very miffed at you for refusing to pretend (even moreso as SIL is playing along and 'showing willing'.

You're on a hiding to nothing here; the only way you could have got away without sulks would have been by agreeing to it immediately. If you cave now then she'll know you don't mean it and you'll have 'spoilt' the whole idea; if you don't cave then you're the cold nasty DIL who doesn't care about her.

Take your pick really Grin if I were you I'd keep calmly repeating 'I do love you MIL, but you're not my mum. My mum is dead.' That should make her uncomfortable enough to shut up.

My mum is dead too so I'm not using that statement lightly Thanks

Inertia · 10/08/2016 10:56

I agree with previous posters that the only thing that may sink in that you find her demands extremely hurtful bearing in mind that your own mum has passed away. It's extraordinarily disrespectful and insensitive of Mil to pull the emotional blackmail trick over this - to be honest I would have got pretty angry about this.

LaContessaDiPlump · 10/08/2016 10:56

Sorry, I got a bit overinvested and felt like my view (which did seem different to most everyone else) was being ignored Blush

I apologise for being a twat.

LindyHemming · 10/08/2016 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 10/08/2016 10:58

You're forgiven, my child. Wink

Memoires · 10/08/2016 10:58

I would get dh to get point out to her that the friend and her dil actually hate each other so....... Once that's made clear, she probably won't want you to call her mum.

(I told my mil in no uncertain terms that I already had a mum.)

stonecircle · 10/08/2016 11:00

I also think you just need to spell out how much you loved and miss your mum and that having to use that name for someone else would upset you greatly. I've lost both my parents and no way on this earth will I ever call my PILs mum or dad.

If she can't grasp that then I also think she may be starting with dementia (my mum had it and we went through a long period of her occasionally saying really odd things before it became clear what the problem was)

LaContessaDiPlump · 10/08/2016 11:00

Thank you Lweji Grin

Maybe I should lurk for the rest of the day; my personal risk of twattery seems to be elevated atm......

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/08/2016 11:03

I wouldn't call my MIL in "mum" either. She's Christian-name, or Grandma (depending on whether I'm talking to her or about her!)

My mum is no longer with us, but I'm certainly not looking for a replacement.

I'm trying to remember what my Mum used to call my Dad's mum - they REALLY didn't get along either, but Mum certainly didn't call her by her first name, almost no one did, not even her best friends! Might have called her "mother" (like her husband did) I suppose - I know my Dad called her Mum, but pretty sure my mum didn't.

OTOH, my Dad got along with my mum's mum brilliantly, and he did call her Mum.

I'd need to have a MUCH closer relationship with MIL before I considered calling her mum.

Dutchcourage · 10/08/2016 11:08

Call her Mummy instead in a creepy voice and sort of weird eyebrow raise every time you

^^ Grin this !

On a serious note this is really weird. Is it a cultural thing? Stand your ground as if you give in be prepared to make way for more crazy ass demands !

APlaceOnTheCouch · 10/08/2016 11:10

YANBU. I am the only DIL that doesn't call my MIL, 'mum'. I was bemused by the entire notion tbh.

I think the problem is that the MIL thinks she is bestowing some kind of honour ie 'look, I am willing to let you use the name my DC uses for me'. I guess you could acknowledge the kindness of that whilst remaining firm.

Lweji · 10/08/2016 11:11

Overall, from the OP's posts, it seems that it's somewhat part of a pattern of getting away with what the MIL wants and DILs just go along for peace. Except that now she has hit a definitive boundary with the OP and this is going to be a stand off, as his usual tactics won't work.

IME, the best way is not to chase her and act as always, saving her face. If she sulks and turns her back on you, then just let it go. Leave to FIL or DH to call her to reason if they want to.
Having said that, I'd offer to call her whatever she wants, just as long as it's not the same as you did your mum.

Original poster
WhatamessIgotinto · 10/08/2016 11:12

I don't think she can feel left out, I ask her to just about everything that the DCs do, she comes and goes as she pleases in the house (well she did) and there are lots of things she's invited to that she can't make because she's too busy, which is fine. She does expect us to change arrangements to suit her on lots of those occasions, which we don't and I think that pisses her off sometimes.

OP posts:
LondonHuffyPuffy · 10/08/2016 11:12

CloudPirate I'm in the minority with you, but for my family it is a generational/ cultural thing.

DH is from South Africa and it is normal to call your in-laws Mum and Dad as it was here 30 years ago.

Both my parents called their respective MiL "Mum". I can't really remember what they did with their FiLs, because Dad's Dad died before i was born and his Sted Dad was an arsehole whom nobody liked. My Mum also had a Step Dad who was lovely but he died when I was 9. I think Dad called him Dad. Not sure.

Anyhow, back to my MiL... It's a respectful affection sort of thing. I called them Mr and Mrs [surname] until DH and I got married, then it switched to Mum and Dad. I don't have a problem with it at all... neither do my parents.

Occasionally, in an affectionate way, she gets referred to as Mummy [her shortened name] which makes us both laugh. DH's Dad died a couple of years ago, but in the few years that I knew him I called him Dad or Papa [shortened name]. It's the done thing in SA, at least in DH's community it is. It doesn't feel weird at all because it is completely normal. All older people who aren't parents or grandparents are "Auntie" or "Uncle". The kids (family or not) call me Auntie. I asked DSS if he just wanted to call me by my name (he's 16) and he looked at me in utter horror!!!

OTOH, DH would never call my parents Mum or Dad, because it would feel weird here! I think they would both be freaked out by it, despite what they called their in-laws.

Sorry for long post. Rambling/ musings on cultural and generational difference.

ThisPanCan · 10/08/2016 11:16

If I promise to NOT call anyone on the thread 'mum' can someone do a cute kitten meme please?
mum

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