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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to call my MIL mum?

176 replies

WhatamessIgotinto · 10/08/2016 09:28

DH and I have been together 15 years and married for 13. I have always called his mum by her Christian name, never expected to call her anything else to be honest.

Now all of a sudden she has decided she wants me to call her mum because her friends DIL does. I don't want to a) because it would be weird after all this time and b) she's not my mum.

I have always had a pretty good (if sometimes tricky in the past) relationship with her which I really do make an effort with and we rub along quite nicely now. Or so I thought. Now she's refusing to speak to me unless I agree to call her mum. DH has told her not to be daft but she's insistent that since my SIL has agreed then I should too.

I'm 50. I do not want to call this woman mum and think the whole thing is ridiculous.

OP posts:
deepdarkwood · 10/08/2016 09:39

Could you come up with some sort of pet name? It's a very very odd thing to suddenly insist on after so many years of a relationship.

Alternatively, agree, then never call her anything. I've been with now Dh for 33 years. I've perfected a technique of never having to use mil and fil's names as calling them by their first name or calling them mum/dad both feel wierd. They are grandma and grandad now really!

LaContessaDiPlump · 10/08/2016 09:39

My mother would demand that we did lovely together-y family type stuff and got very angry when we pointed out how Hmm we found it. Sometimes people get upset when it's made painfully obvious that you don't think of them that way. Sounds like that is at the core of the matter.

IrrelevantSquirrel · 10/08/2016 09:40

YANBU. I don't know anyone who calls their MIL "mum". If she's not speaking to you then you don't have to call her anything apart from daft !

Bear2014 · 10/08/2016 09:40

YANBU. Don't do it!

My Mum called her MIL 'Mum' for years because it was the done thing (she is 65 and her MIL is 89) but since we left home she started calling her by her first name again, as she realised it's ridiculous and they don't even like each other much.

cexuwaleozbu · 10/08/2016 09:40

Yanbu she's not your mum.

I know my MIL wanted this too though so maybe it's not that unusual for MIL's to want it, but I bet it's unusual for DIL's to agree. I tried it briefly when we were first married but it was too weird. I compromise by always addressing her directly as her first name but trying to use the word mum as often as possible in other sentences within her earshot e.g. "this cup of tea is for mum, and this one is yours" or "can you check with mum what time we need to be ready". I don't know if that is appreciated but it works for me.

Not speaking to you unless you agree is freakish and controlling and the kind of behaviour that would make anyone sane want to back away and disengage - how childish! Do you have a DH who is sane and rational and supports you or does he think what mummy tells him to think? Hopefully if the former he can sit her down and explain carefully that you can't force someone to call you mum through such bullying tactics and if she doesn't drop it she will drive away her own son (and grandchildren?) as well as her DIL.

BadToTheBone · 10/08/2016 09:42

She sounds like a petulant child, I'd hate the call anyone but my mum "mum". It would feel so disloyal.

Original poster
WhatamessIgotinto · 10/08/2016 09:43

But I don't want to give her a pet name I just want to continue calling her by her name!

DH has told her not to be ridiculous but she did the whole sniffy pretending to cry thing so he left her to it. She won't come over and when I phone she let's the machine pick up (has caller display so she knows its me). I just want to let her stew and hope she come to her senses but the DCs adore her and she does them so I want this resolved. She's been told on no uncertain terms by both DH and I that its not happening. Its such a silly non issue!

OP posts:
Meercat2 · 10/08/2016 09:44

YADNBU
I would find that really creepy. Weird

Original poster
WhatamessIgotinto · 10/08/2016 09:45

I lost my mum almost 7 years ago. I don't want a replacement.

OP posts:
Pearlman · 10/08/2016 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 10/08/2016 09:46

What about a nickname that shares a couple of letters with Mum?
Like Muppet

VladmirsPoutine · 10/08/2016 09:46

Yanbu but if MN is anything to go by I really don't want to be a MIL one day.

LaContessaDiPlump · 10/08/2016 09:46

I think that you need to address the root of the behaviour, not just the behaviour itself (as you would for children)! Not all adults are as emotionally mature as they perhaps should be, and I notice this sort of 'never explicitly stating what's really on your mind' sort of behaviour more in my mother's generation than in my own so hopefully it ia dying out Grin

Anyway, your SIL has agreed to play along and you haven't. That will make you 10x more UR in your MILs eyes; SIL is playing along with this total fiction so why can't you? Why aren't you NICE, op?

I think you need to sit down and say that much as you love her (and it is all about her neediness), you won't be calling her mum. Say it would be nice to go out more and spend more time together, if you are so inclined. It's the grownup way to tackle this.

MiddleClassProblem · 10/08/2016 09:46

Say that to her! How can she argue when your mother has passed?

Wdigin2this · 10/08/2016 09:47

I call mine by her name or, Mother-in-Law in a light hearted way! If you don't want to call her mum (and I don't blame you) then just don't! If she persists in this daft demand, and won't see you if you don't comply...so be it, she'll be the loser!
Sounds as if she's just trying to outdo her friend....how childish, is she showing any other signs of senility?
OK, OK...cheap shot I know, but just banter!

miwelaisjacydo · 10/08/2016 09:48

YANBU at all just tell her no. I don't call my MIL mum because she is not my mum.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/08/2016 09:48

I'd be anonymously sending her a link to this thread.
How flippin' odd.
Don't give in to her.
Your DH can tell her to stop being such a twat.
She is not your mum - end of!
Blimey, there are so so so many weird MIL's out there it's frightening.

CalmItKermitt · 10/08/2016 09:48

Weirdo. Ask her (with head tilt) if she's feeling ok.

JudyCoolibar · 10/08/2016 09:49

Point out that (I assume) your DH never called your mother mum and you can't see why it should be any different the other way round.

PurpleDaisies · 10/08/2016 09:49

I'd be anonymously sending her a link to this thread.
How in earth would that help things? Confused

ParadiseCity · 10/08/2016 09:50

Sorry to ask but do you think she might have dementia? It sounds SO odd and utterly unreasonable. I have been married similar time to you, and if my MIL asked this it would be so out of character I would honestly think there was something the matter with her.

(On the other hand if it was my stepMIL she has always been rather random and it wouldn't surprise me.)

JudyCoolibar · 10/08/2016 09:50

It's cynical, but maybe the way to nip the tears in the bud is to get very emotional and tearful yourself about the fact that only your mother can possibly be mum to you.

NotdeadyetBOING · 10/08/2016 09:51

Absurd. She isn't your mother.

mydietstartsmonday · 10/08/2016 09:51

It is funny isn't it. both my parents called their respect in laws "mum" but no way will my husband call my mum "mum - and to be honest she would be mortified.....she sees herself as young and trendy.

Tell her straight, you have a mum and you have her. You and the kids love her so don't let something silly get in the way.

Original poster
WhatamessIgotinto · 10/08/2016 09:52

Yanbu but if MN is anything to go by I really don't want to be a MIL one day.

I know what you mean but honestly, I have let SO many things go over the years and I try very hard to keep a good relationship with her. She's not always been easy to deal with but I do try with the important stuff. This is not something I'm prepared to do.

OP posts: