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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to call my MIL mum?

176 replies

WhatamessIgotinto · 10/08/2016 09:28

DH and I have been together 15 years and married for 13. I have always called his mum by her Christian name, never expected to call her anything else to be honest.

Now all of a sudden she has decided she wants me to call her mum because her friends DIL does. I don't want to a) because it would be weird after all this time and b) she's not my mum.

I have always had a pretty good (if sometimes tricky in the past) relationship with her which I really do make an effort with and we rub along quite nicely now. Or so I thought. Now she's refusing to speak to me unless I agree to call her mum. DH has told her not to be daft but she's insistent that since my SIL has agreed then I should too.

I'm 50. I do not want to call this woman mum and think the whole thing is ridiculous.

OP posts:
LondonHuffyPuffy · 10/08/2016 11:18

Here you go. And i AIN'T YOUR MUM!

To not want to call my MIL mum?
nagynolonger · 10/08/2016 11:24

Makes me cringe when I hear others call their MIL 'mum'. I love my DDIL but they call me and DH by our Christian names. That's just the way we want it. My 5 sons and DD call me mum......because I am their mother.

FuckFaceMagee · 10/08/2016 11:26

That's weird. Why would you? Tell her it was nice knowing her.

Wierdo

i8sum314 · 10/08/2016 11:28

YANBU

That is really odd. Never heard of anybody insisting on that before.

BadTasteFlump · 10/08/2016 11:28

YANBU.

Reminds me of my wedding day to DH - many years ago now - when FIL made a remark about how I would be calling him 'dad' from now on. My actual dad had died when I was a child and I was not suprisingly feeling a bit sensitive about him not being there that day in particular.

Made me wonder what sort of insensitive twat I was getting as a FIL - turns out I was right....

originalmavis · 10/08/2016 11:28

When I was a kid a friend's parents called each other mum and dad. I though that was pretty odd.

My mum would haunt me if I called anyone else mum.

BadTasteFlump · 10/08/2016 11:32
Smile

So maybe if I started calling FIL 'dad' , my real dad would haunt him? Grin

tidyfairy · 10/08/2016 11:33

OP I am similar age to you and have always called MIL by her Christian name. She is 83. If she suddenly asked me to call her Mum......(which I am absolutely sure she never would!)....I'd be concerned that she wasn't thinking straight. She's never been demanding or unreasonable, and certainly never sulks, so perhaps that's why it would cause me to worry as it would be so out of character. Maybe this isn't the case with yours?
Anyway, I wouldn't do it.

VenusRising · 10/08/2016 11:37

I think littlegreyauditor has it. She's looking for some kind of elevated status and all the hissy fits that goes with that

You could call her Ma, Mammy, Mommy Dearest or some variant she's not happy with thought of.

Maybe write her a letter, and say that she has a special place in your heart as X not Mum, as that spot has been taken by your own mum, and leave it at that.
Enjoy the peace and quiet. Brew

Sorry about your mum op, and to all those who have lost their mumsFlowers and those who are fighting the good fight against narcissistic fruit loopery

originalmavis · 10/08/2016 11:39

Call her 'Granny Fred' (or whatever her name is). She will hate that as it will make her sound as old as Methuselah.

Life is too short for this, really it is. Everyone - literally everyone - called our mam (my grandma) mam. Friends, relatives, shopkeepers... this was in ye olden days though. Then she became 'Auld Mary' at some point as well as mam. Then mum and dad became 'Auld...' at some point too. We had other nicknames for them as well.

StarkintheSouth · 10/08/2016 11:43

I personally find it odd when people call their MiLs Mum. It can sometimes show just how close to them they are, but I have a Mum and she's irreplaceable, as lovely as my Mil is, she's not on that level.
So no, YANBU. As a couple people have said maybe she wants a closer relationship with you but then again, not talking to you until you refer to her by that name says otherwise and that it's all about ego. I'd ask your DH to have a stern word....!

AyeAmarok · 10/08/2016 11:51

I think your DH needs to strongly remind his mother that your mum has passed away and this is extremely insensitive of his mum to be saying this. It's not about MIL, she doesn't get to dictate that others abide by her whims for no reason when they will cause others distress.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 10/08/2016 11:53

I think it's more the fact that you've been married for 13 years and it's coming up now (because her friends family does it) that makes it bizarre, and of course the sulking. It shows it's not something that she genuinely desires and it more to do with how she wants to project herself to others.

The totally unhelpful part of me would be tempted to go the other way and start referring to her as "Mrs xxxx" until she got over herself Grin

Jillofnotrades · 10/08/2016 12:09

It's traditional - but weird. I would agree but then never use the word. It's easy to avoid calling her anything but if you need to just use her name and if she says anything say "sorry, I forgot - I'm so used to calling you xx!". Say it light heartedly as if it's not a big deal and don't use any name for a while. I reckon she'll forget about it if no one takes it too seriously.

Vickyyyy · 10/08/2016 12:10

I won't ever call anyone except my mother mum. Cards though sometimes its easier to just get a happy birthday mum card and stick mine and DHs name on it, but I would never actually call MIL mum.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/08/2016 12:10

I think calling her 'mother dearest' every time in a patronising tone with a head tilt should shut her up!

AlpacaPicnic · 10/08/2016 12:17

Start referring to her in the terms

Original poster
WhatamessIgotinto · 10/08/2016 12:25

DH has suggested calling her Mummy McMumster. He's really fucking helpful ... Grin

OP posts:
originalmavis · 10/08/2016 12:26

Shouldn't that be mummy macmumface?

VladmirsPoutine · 10/08/2016 12:29

Referring to your MIL as Mum is popular in many cultures so it's not to be sniffed at; by those who are cringing Hmm. The OP simply doesn't want to and that is perfectly acceptable.

GabsAlot · 10/08/2016 12:48

just say it upsets u as your mum has passed its too sensitive

i used to call my mil mummy but in a cute jokey way no way would anyone or shodla nyoe make u say it shs being ridiculous

GabsAlot · 10/08/2016 12:50

sorry for the typos

LaContessaDiPlump · 10/08/2016 12:58

Mommy dearest? Grin

LaContessaDiPlump · 10/08/2016 12:58

No, wait: MATER.

No need to thank me.....

originalmavis · 10/08/2016 13:01

We know it's acceptable in some areas/cultures - but it's not for the OP. You have to acknowledge that it is normal for some people but inappropriate and rather odd/creepy for others. So no poo faces necessary. My grandma tried to get mum to call her mum and she just refused.

All our close friends are DSs 'aunty mary' or 'uncle fred' - one relative does sniff at this as they aren't 'real' relatives but then she had loads of 'real' aunts and uncles. I don't think they count those married to blood relatives as aunt or uncle either.

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