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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to call my MIL mum?

176 replies

WhatamessIgotinto · 10/08/2016 09:28

DH and I have been together 15 years and married for 13. I have always called his mum by her Christian name, never expected to call her anything else to be honest.

Now all of a sudden she has decided she wants me to call her mum because her friends DIL does. I don't want to a) because it would be weird after all this time and b) she's not my mum.

I have always had a pretty good (if sometimes tricky in the past) relationship with her which I really do make an effort with and we rub along quite nicely now. Or so I thought. Now she's refusing to speak to me unless I agree to call her mum. DH has told her not to be daft but she's insistent that since my SIL has agreed then I should too.

I'm 50. I do not want to call this woman mum and think the whole thing is ridiculous.

OP posts:
Dutchcourage · 10/08/2016 13:24

original for some reason I read that as mummymcCumface

TooGood2BeFalse · 10/08/2016 13:24

YANBU.

My mum died 2 years ago and one week later my MIL said 'Don't worry, you've got me to be your mummy now'. It was not only the most hurtful thing she could have said but also CREEPY AS FUCK.

So no way, first name only.My DH call my Dad 'Dad' however and did call my mum 'Mum' but that was his choice and his comfort zone to navigate.

jennielou75 · 10/08/2016 13:27

My SM who is younger than my younger sister asked my mum in front of me if she thought I would ever call her (SM) Mum..........

Nofunkingworriesmate · 10/08/2016 13:30

Flowers for the loss of your mum
I would be offended at her insensitivity considering your loss
If she has no previous form for deranged behaviour I would be seriously worried about her

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 10/08/2016 13:36

Perhaps your DH could point out that she is being insensitive to someone who has lost their real mum and it would be a painful reminder to have to use the word? Perhaps her friend's DIL still has her mum so this would not be the case for her? It might be harder for her to sulk if there was an angle where you were the victim....

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 10/08/2016 13:37

toogood I completely agree with you but (speaking as someone who has lost their mum) it was probably kindly meant.

foursillybeans · 10/08/2016 13:45

Call her muuuummmmyyyyy in a really whiny voice and act like a child demanding drinks and snacks. Grin Ok it's maybe not a great suggestion but it would teach the silly lady a lesson.
Maybe just don't start a conversation with her or refer to her much and she'll get the message and grow tired of it.

Nanny0gg · 10/08/2016 13:52

One of my sons-in-law calls me Mummy from time to time.

But he's a sarcastic git Grin

She'll cave when she wants to see her DGC. But any more nonsense and your DH will have to be very firm with her. Is his dad still around?

ImperialBlether · 10/08/2016 13:53

I'm sorry you lost your mum and think your MIL sounds like a lunatic expecting to be called 'mum'.

However, what I would do is insist your husband refers to your own mother as 'mum', so "Do you remember seeing Jane at mum's funeral?" and "Do you remember how much Mum liked France?" etc.

Your MIL will soon learn not to bring this issue up. In fact I'd guarantee that if your mum was alive and she thought her son would call her 'mum', she'd go crazy.

What did she call her own MIL?

ImperialBlether · 10/08/2016 13:55

I think in other cultures/times there's usually a slight difference in how a MIL is addressed - my mother called her own mum 'mum' and her MIL 'mother'. 'Mother' is more formal, so it indicates the relationship, but not the closeness.

In any case, you're not in a different culture or time and neither is she.

Lweji · 10/08/2016 14:00

DH has suggested calling her Mummy McMumster. He's really fucking helpful

I like the sound of him. :)

hellsbellsmelons · 10/08/2016 14:12

Me too Lweji Grin

hmcAsWas · 10/08/2016 14:18

Jeez - she's a bit high bloody maintenance isn't she! Yanbu

Iwantamarshmallow · 10/08/2016 14:33

I was only 19 when I met DH so at first I addressed MIL as Mrs (Surname) assuming she would tell me to call her by her first name. She didn't . I was so embarrassed I just called her nothing .. I didn’t address her by name for 10 years until eventually DH and I got married and I decided it was probably ok to use her first name.
YANBU Just refuse to call her mum. she'll soon feel like an idiot and back down

nomorefrizz · 10/08/2016 16:04

Am l the only one finding summer holidays with older children very difficult and not knowing quite how to impose sanctions as when they were younger? One son back from uni and daughter awaiting A level results? Constantly bickering and swearing at each other and yes inevitably treating the place like a hotel. Also getting in late and waking us up. I work 4 days per week but dread the mess I will come home too even if they are not in and days off generally ruined by having them and friends hanging around or clearing up festival detritus from the hallway! I know it's only for a few weeks and of course I'll miss them when they've gone but any ideas to make the next few weeks more enjoyable much appreciated

hellsbellsmelons · 10/08/2016 16:07

What nomore?????
I think you might have the wrong thread??

nearlyhellokitty · 10/08/2016 16:24

how about "mama" but pronounced mamar if you know what I mean. Ie affected.

JohnLithgowsLargeForehead · 10/08/2016 16:28

My MIL signs off on emails with "Love Ma" but that's as far as it goes. Only my mum is my mum (even though MIL is ace)

user1470168439 · 10/08/2016 16:57

It seems odd that you should start using Mum so far into your relationship? Some people do use Mum for MIL from the off, and that's fine for them, but I can totally see why you wouldn't want to

BerylStreep · 10/08/2016 16:58

I would enjoy the peace and quiet if she is refusing to speak to you. I do agree with the poster who said your DH should have told her in no uncertain terms that she was being insensitive and unreasonable.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/08/2016 18:13

Hell would freeze over before I called her 'mum'. She could sulk as long as she wanted, I would enjoy the peace.

What age are your children? Old enough to notice her behaviour? How would she explain her sulk to them? Because I would leave it to her to explain her not talking to their mother because she (you) wouldn't pretend Granny was someone she wasn't. (Visons of small children pointing out 'but Gran you're not her mummy ...'.)

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 10/08/2016 18:35

YDNBU. Only your mum's your mum.
I also think it sounds a bit sick as well both man and wife calling each other's mother mum. --sounds like your shagging your brother/sister.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 10/08/2016 18:41

I hate it when people refer to their PILS as Mr/Mrs........
Bringing up ancient ghosts here but it used to irritate the be Jesus out of me. The way Rachel Jordache used to call Ron Mr Dixon. I used to feel like putting my foot though the telly every time she said it.

FreshHorizons · 10/08/2016 19:11

I wouldn't even argue the case - just smile, nod and ignore.

pigsDOfly · 10/08/2016 19:33

So she thinks that by throwing a massive sulk you're going to back down and start calling her mum. Is the sulking mean't to make you want to do that?

She sound a bit stupid tbh.

Speaking as a MIL I would feel very odd being called mum by my lovely DIL or SIL.

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