To not want to call my MIL mum?

[WhatamessIgotinto]

DH and I have been together 15 years and married for 13. I have always called his mum by her Christian name, never expected to call her anything else to be honest.

Now all of a sudden she has decided she wants me to call her mum because her friends DIL does. I don't want to a) because it would be weird after all this time and b) she's not my mum.

I have always had a pretty good (if sometimes tricky in the past) relationship with her which I really do make an effort with and we rub along quite nicely now. Or so I thought. Now she's refusing to speak to me unless I agree to call her mum. DH has told her not to be daft but she's insistent that since my SIL has agreed then I should too.

I'm 50. I do not want to call this woman mum and think the whole thing is ridiculous.

No I'm 100% there's no dementia involved.

I'd let her stew , if she doesn't want to talk to you then let her . Just so long as she realises she isn't welcome in your home whilst she does it and your DH if he visits will do the minimum and leave as he needs to get back to you. I wouldn't go NC entirely as such odd behaviour (wanting it after so many years and especially as you've lost your Mum) might be the beginnings of her losing some part of her mental faculties and she probably needs to be monitored.

I think you say "sorry I won't be calling you mum because that's what I called my own mum and I would find it too upsetting. I can call you (first name) as we have for 15 years or (Mrs Xxx). Let me know what you would prefer when you're ready.

Then leave it.

that's just plain gaga after all these years!

My MIL does sign anniversary and christmas cards "mum and dad" but I am racking my brains to try and recall if she does that on my birthday card.

Early on I avoided the issue by being vague "anyone want coffee or tea?" or just addressing them directly "would you like to ...." but then I got brave and just used their names. Although FIL was a bit selectively deaf so anything I said was always repeated to him by MIL with an elbow jab and a weary expression "tondelaya's talking to YOU ...do YOU want a cup of tea??"
He always heard if I offered sherry! :o

I'd give her the option of Mrs Surname or first name.
And text her that you won't be calling anyone but your own mum, mum, particularly as she passed away. That she can do as she likes, but you will not be calling her mum.
Just leave it at that and wait for her to come around.

It is hugely disrespectful to the memory of your DM. I would tell her so in no uncertain terms and if she stopped talking to you I would view that as a win!

It's odd that suddenly she wants you to call her mum after all those years. It's more about copying her friend I think. And why is SIL giving in when she hasn't complained either until now.

My DS has a partner and it is entirely her choice, if they marry, whether she calls me mum or by my name. It won't make any difference to the relationship that we have, if we have a good one. Just because I'm thirty odd years older doesn't give me the right to dictate.

Just don't see her then u don't have to call her anything!!

When i grew up it was fairly normal to call you MIL Mum, but not now. I would, as pps have suggested just inform her you wont be doing that and leave the ball in her court. Do you have children? Will she not be seeing them while she acts like a prat?

Hello? Can anyone hear me?

The MIL's behavious makes complete sense when you realise that she is a bit jealous of the good relationship her friend has with her DIL; she is trying, hamfistedly, to say she wants the same (or, being cynical, at least the appearance of it so she doesn't lose face). That's not terribly hard to understand.

Give her what reassurance you feel comfortable giving, but hold firm on the Mum thing op.

She's being a petulant child. I'd completely ignore the issue and it will pass. Otherwise she won’t talk to you, but she sounds so bratty you'll be better off.

This isn't about her being a MIL, it's her as a person asking you as a person to do something that she knows you won't want to do. She says "jump", you say "no".

Madness. Reiterate that you won't be calling her mum, say it's a shame she feels that's more important than a relationship with you (and her grandchildren if you're feeling mean) and then leave the ball in her court.

I love my MIL to bits, we have a terrific relationship, but I would never call her mum. She isn't my mum, I already have one of those.

Has your MIL thought about her own biological children calling their PIL Mum and Dad? So your BIL calling his MIL Mum?

I wouldn't want my children to call anyone else Mum. In fact we have had this discussion, only 2 people in the world get to call me Mum. Everyone else uses my name.

It is a very strange request from your MIL. I would also stand my ground. My own Mum died 6 years ago. I will never call anyone Mum again.

Interesting post upthread where someone said that their in-laws sign cards to both of them from mum and dad but she's not sure about birthday cards to just her. I'm in the same situation, I will have to wait until December and see!
I find it much less weird (and actually quite nice) to be considered one of their children but couldn't call them mum and dad. I think it's possibly because you can have several children who all refer to you as mum but as the child you can only have one mum.
I call my MIL by her first name, I'm pretty sure she'd like to be mum but since she's a nice reasonable lady she's never mentioned it let alone sulked!

The MIL's behavious makes complete sense when you realise that she is a bit jealous of the good relationship her friend has with her DIL; she is trying, hamfistedly, to say she wants the same (or, being cynical, at least the appearance of it so she doesn't lose face). That's not terribly hard to understand.

Maybe. But it's still the sort of behaviour that's likely to worsen the relationship between her and OP if MIL keeps this up and refuses to consider OPs feelings and wishes on the matter.

I would go with a combination of
You are not my mum.
I already have a mum.
It makes me feel uncomfortable to call you mum.
It would be weird to change after calling you X for 15 years.
I would like you to call me Your Majesty, but that's not going to work either is it?

And repeat.

I think I'm in the minority here, as I do call my MIL and FIL Mum and Dad (usually) as I find it easier than calling them by their first names, although I would never do so in front of my own Dad and I sometimes wonder if DH's siblings find it, I don't know, weird? presumptive? of me?

It was completely a mutual decision though, and after I lost my own Mum I think I just avoided calling them anything for a couple of years until I felt I could call them Mum and Dad without it feeling like I was replacing her.

DH doesn't do the same with my Dad, but to be honest I think he does what I used to (doesn't refer to him by any name when he's with him, and when we're talking about him, calls him 'your Dad'.

I think my Dad used to call Mum's parents Mum and Dad, but she didn't do the same with his, because they had a VERY different relationship.

Anyway, I think the point of all this rambling is that YANBU, and that this would have been a mutual decision to make, not something for your MIL to demand, but in any case, suddenly wanting it to change after so long is just strange! Is there anything else going on that could be making her feel a bit left out or lonely?

My MIL does sign anniversary and christmas cards "mum and dad" but I am racking my brains to try and recall if she does that on my birthday card.

We get "mum and dad" on cards addressed to both me and DH, but I get "MILs first name and FILs first name" on my birthday cards.

YANBU. I can't believe she is being so insensitive and persistent. What is she thinking?

Plump her friend and her DIL, who calls her mum, can't stand the sight of each other so I have NO idea where the 'mum' thing came from in that relationship.

Grandmother tries this sort of stuff, for a couple of reasons. Firstly she wants to force the facade of " such a close family" (we so aren't) on her 'friends' (people she cleans the church with but secretly hates), and secondly she really buys into the idea that she is entitled to be THE MATRIARCH and we all must pay homage or bear the stroppy, screechy consequences.

If your MIL is not usually a narcissistic fruit loop with a Scarlet O'Hara complex, then I would take LaContessaDiPlump 's advice.

If she does the sniffy, pretending to cry thing, just ignore it. She's acting like a sulky, petulant child who plays up when it can't get its own way.

I don't understand why anyone would want an in law to call them 'mum'. My son in law is great, but I'd feel very weird if he ever did! And my MiL was lovely, but I always used her name and I think she'd have been very taken aback, and probably embarrassed, if I'd done anything else.

No, you are not being unreasonable. I find it a bit odd, actually, when people refer to their parents-in-law AS Mum or Dad.
You are normal! Imo

Just call her whatever your dcs call her. I refer to my Mum as Mum, dh refers to her as Grandma with our ds, and calls her by her Christian name when he talks to her. We are nc with mil, but I have never, ever, called her Mum. I have one of those, and one is plenty!

She is being deeply unreasonable. I wouldn't even like to speculate on her motives, because I don't think it even matters.

I would let her strop, and ignore the sulking. When she raises it again, you can say very firmly 'I am not going to call you "Mum" because I had a mother who is sadly no longer with us, and it would feel like I was being disrespectful to her memory. It hurts me that you would repeatedly ask this of me, since you know about the bereavement and about how difficult life is for me missing her. I would really prefer it if this subject were not raised again'. If she continues to do so, perhaps ask her why she is so insistent about this and suggest some MH support!!