To think that they should shut the fuck up

[KatMcGee]

I don't like DH's family.

They don't like me.

We've been together for 5 years, married for 2, we live in London whilst DH's family thankfully live way up north.

I'm not the easiest person to deal with but I'm not horrid, I keep to myself, I don't really do nature or cooking or anything that takes me away from a mobile signal

DH has a massive family and every summer they all meet up at his parents property, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins which is in the middle of nowhere.

I did this once 4 years ago and I hated every bloody second of it, they go hiking at dawn, they have family sports days, which is just grown men kicking a ball around whilst the women cheer from the sidelines , tend to kids etc

I've managed to avoid it ever since but this year DH wouldn't relent and he managed to talk me into it.

It's day 2 and I'm ready to head home. It seems that all of DH's excuses over the years weren't believed and I've been assigned the role of the evil daughter in law.

Everyone keeps giving me snide comments.

They were up at dawn for their fucking hike yesterday and I crawled out of bed to join in and not be a spoilsport and I was bombarded with snide comments

SIL: "Oh dear, if you can't keep up, you shouldn't have come along"

A random aunt: "those boots look brand new, I hope you're not throwing DH's money away" I work, I earn more than DH, I don't hike, so I had to buy boots and when I told this to random aunt, she looked at MIL and said "you were right about her"

Yesterday afternoon when all the woman were cooking in the kitchen, I was in the bedroom as I can't cook but another SIL called me down and so I went down.

"Oh why'd you bring her down" said very fucking loudly by MIL "I mean she won't be much help, girl can't even cook"

I ignored her, went on my phone as they were going on about little Barnaby (not his real name) teething and not coping well with all the noise/people.

I sat their thinking, why bring a teething toddler to this mad house but kept my mouth shut.

BIL walks through the door, joins in the Barnaby talk, looks at me and says "you'll be dealing with all this soon" I pulled a face, it was a natural reaction, lasted only for a second

MIL pipes up "Oh didn't you know, Madam over there doesn't want children, she's too busy with her career" it was said with a smile but with so much fucking venom.

I smiled and said "DH, can't stand the little brats either" then bombarded DH with texts. He walked in five minutes later and I've refused to let him leave my side.

He didn't go out to the lake with all the boys this morning and sat right next to me throughout this afternoons barbecue. This has only led to more comments, if I hear one more snide remark I'm going to tell them to shut the fuck up and then leave.

I won't survive till Friday, I'm thinking of faking ill tonight and leaving in the morning but DH refuses to play along.

Oh dear, what an awful situation.

I think you should try to find a way through it though. I've been in the position of going along with activities I hate & it's hard not to become resentful. Plenty of people have pointed out that there's blame on both sides but I think if you can stay at the house & just say no to the joint activities if it doesn't float your boat, you could get some breathing space from each other & you could chill out, read a book, prepare some veg @ then hopefully have a nice tea.

Try to put the phone down as it is rude. It's probably a chicken egg scenario, they don't talk to you as you're on your phone, so try it & try to start some discussions yourself. I'd also be gently pointing out the inherent sexism going on-a chilled out feminism talk is surely something everyone can get involved in?

Of you leave now, you'll probably never go back to spending time with them but this could be an opportunity to find some more common ground. Think through what you want to do & talk to Dh

You all sound massively dysfunctional. Sounds like an off beat indie film, with everyone chipping away at each other. When are you planning your soliloquy? You hit everyone with your home truths and then they sock them right back at ya.

I'll tell you what...if northerners are backwards based on your in laws' behaviour, then all southerners must be enormous cunts based on your's.

Have you ever thought of like....being nice... what's the worse that could happen, other than they would look unequivocally knobbish whilst you are beyond reproach? Your poor husband. He sounds ace and long suffering.

Sounds like my idea of hell. I like going on hikes and whatever but fucking hate being organised by people, particularly ones who see it as their business to put me in my place.

At the first suggestion that you shouldn't have gone, your reply needed to be "yes, you're right. Goodbye."

I'd have a real problem with the gender-segregated stuff. Are the men doing activities that you'd like to join in with? If so, I'd just do that. Unlikely it would make your relationships with the family worse, as it already sounds as though you don't get on with most of the women, and it might make your DH happier about staying.

I definitely wouldn't be going in the future, though. Work emergencies can be a wonderful thing sometimes, and you've already established yourself as "the career woman"

This is one of those threads where I'd really like to hear the other side of the story...

Me too Trash

Where has the OP said she was "made" to go by her DH? I don't know her, this is her only thread (name change?) but I don't get the impression she would allow herself to be rail roaded, nor should she.
But it's a non brainer. If you go into that situation, you either:
FIFO (fit in or fuck off) so rather than Can't cook, won't cook, you can offer a surely? OR
Reeducate the poor oppressed women by getting pissed and telling them their kids are brats, they should be earning and nature's a bitch! OR
Agree it's not your thing and go off and do something less boring instead whilst DH bonds with his sexist family.
Choices.

However much of an Eeyore you may or may not be, I do have sympathy for you, and empathy too.

Your DP is at least in part responsible here IMO. My DP is a terror for this sort of thing. Invites me to things that he must must know I'd loathe or find uncomfortable (hip replacement needed at the grand old age of 25 so long distance walking and lots of clambering about in the wilderness are doable, but uncomfortable - plus I hated that kind of shit even when I was on the school gym team).

I tell him as much, he guilts me into going. I go, try and put on a brave face, just about manage it but clearly don't come across as exuberant and overjoyed as he'd fondly imagined.

He's then surprised that Ik not having the time of my life, and any iteration that resembles an I told you so results in being grumbled at for "not enjoying myself" and making him sad.

It's like... I fucking told you from almost day one what sorts of things I couldn't abide or made me miserable, reiterated politely when they came up nevertheless, reiterated less-than-politely... what else can I do?! It's tremendously frustrating and alienating.

I've concluded that it can only be a sort of blind, dogged optimism on his part that I (or you, in this case!) will come around eventually, or "grow to like it". Or just plaster on a rictus grin and do a good enough impression of having a ball. I don't know.

But it's maddening, and having to use up what precious little free time one has with people you don't like doing activities you can't stand is shit, and realistically will only make you feel even lower and more bad-tempered.

Your DP presumably knows you reasonably well, and yet talked you into this anyway. Provided you've not done anything grossly indecent or cruel, he has no right to be cheesed off that you didn't bob along happy as a pig in shit. I'd have a word with him and spell this out, in whatever diplomatic arrangement of words will be best absorbed usefully.

Yes, we all have to do things we don't like in life and I'm a firm believer in getting on with it, for the most part. But this generally refers to chores and unavoidably unpleasant or taxing situations. There is not much (of trivial things anyway) more galling and depressing and rage inducing than "forced fun".

Sorry, but you need to get on with it.... Try and let the crap go over your head... IMO this your Dh's family so you should try and stick it out for him...

PS: Far as my own DP was concerned, I eventually switched off my guilt valve as best I could and stopped wilfully going along with things I knew would make me mis.

We're both much happier for it!

You and you in laws have both got the in law that you deserve.
Keep the thread going please, I'm bored with watching sport.

They dont like you, that much is clear which isnt nice. However all i could think whilst reading your op was you sound like a miserable cow and no wonder they're not keen.

Of course if we had the choice most of us dont particularly want to spend time with our extended family but if you love your dh, once a year for a few days is not much to ask.

They sound hideous. I'm only surprised your DH didn't fall for a little Stepford wife instead of you!

After this is over, just accept that your personality clashes horribly with theirs and avoid avoid avoid!

I don't see why people say OP is such hard work. OP's family clearly assume that women's place is in the kitchen/and or with the children and have no respect whatsoever for OP's career, and have made it very clear that they are looking for any and every excuse to be extremely rude to her and put her down. All OP has done is to stand up for herself and refuse to be put in her place.

OP, if your OP doesn't want to leave, and doesn't want to stay on his own, can you manufacture urgent work reasons for staying in whilst everyone else hikes, or disappearing to somewhere with better internet access - even if in reality you're vegging out?

Hasten to add:
Hate Mother Nature or rather she hates me
Am a hopeless cook but decent enough sous chef
Don't do mornings very well
Hate small talk/chit chat
Would resent the chores by gender bullshit

So I get it but I would either have not gone but encouraged DH to go
or had I gone, I would have pulled my weight/ played MN bingo/ took my sarky pills maybe / and treated the in laws like I would if they were hard to get on with colleagues.

Sorry, I meant if your DH doesn't want to leave.

Or got very very drunk with Luke Wilson in the local pub.

Sounds like you tried to make an effort to join in this visit but it seems like their preconceived impression of you has blinded them to this, hence their rude behaviour.

Aw C'mon OP. Please come back. I want to know if the menz are talking about the gold standard with cigars and whiskies whilst those with vaginas talk about fluffy kittens.
I do not believe this is a North-South thing btw.
I may have hit the sarky pills too hard today.

Be honest and ask yourself if this is a clash of worlds? You live in London, not exactly known for friendliness on the streets. I lived there 13 years and saw a lot of the misery that exists there.

What is your family background? Would that fit in any way with your DH's?Your interests do not fit with theirs, but you have made the effort to go, why? Did you hope for better this time around? Or was it for your OH?

If you went for OH, you could think of how you might handle such a situation in work. This may help to sort out in your mind what you can do to be tolerant and get through to the end. It won't be easy, but I reckon you can do it.

If you round on them - they can just out gun you through numbers. So don't bother. They are not going to listen.

I had a very difficult situation recently with my mother and her husband. In the end, I typed a letter up, saying how and why I was offended. Then I let it mature. Then I wrote it be hand in rough form editing as I went two days later. Then on day three I copied it out and edited a bit onto paper to send and put it down for a few days.

Then I decided that I wouldn't send it. As it would not change anything. I thought I could let her know how I feel. But sadly she will not change.

Then after I just thought, it is out of my system and tore up the letter, without anger and put it in the recycling.

I have not thought about it since. I learned it was how I dealt with it that mattered and she can go and bury her head in the sand.

You could try this. Start angry. Then edit for clarity, show How and Why you feel the way you do. Think about your own faults. Then write succinctly what the main issues are - bullets if you like.

Then Think it through. Are these people, though extended family, worth being upset over? If no - destroy the letter.

Download the song. 'Watching the Wheels' by John Lennon. It is about his experience with people after The Beatles and when the naysayers and twats thought he should be running around doing what is expected of him.

Sorry for long post. Good Luck

I like hiking. But that 'holiday' sounds dreadful. To all the people saying that the OP should be nice, why on earth should she do that? They arent being nice to her, just because she hasnt come very often to that holiday doesnt give them the right to be nasty to her. Why should she placate them when they are being awful? She went when shes really not into that kind of thing, even bought hiking boots so she could try and join in.
If i were you OP i wouldnt bother trying to join in any more, lifes too short and you dont need people getting at you like that. Theres no reason why your partner cant go on his own next year. And theres no reason he 'has' to come home with you now if you leave. Thats his choice. I think you should leave though. I definately would if i were spoken to or about like that and im not even a confrontational person. xxxx

So you expected them to all cook for you? You're seriously telling me can't even cut up some veg? My 4year olds can do that. Sounds like you're deliberately not engaging with them. Going on your phone is rude. Their comments are not nice but you've made it clear you don't want dc so mil said that. Sounds like she's following your lead but you are the princess spoiling it for everyone else. Some of us are very family oriented. If I were your mil I'd feel like you were dragging my DS away from me.

I don't get on with my mil. She used my husband as a surrogate husband until she snared a new man. She was rude, ignored me (I.e offered my husband a drink and ignored me), she also brought my husband his favourite chocolates when I'd given birth to our second child but didn't bring her new GC or me anything. Sadly it's damaged their relationship. Dh didn't want to have it out with her but we distanced ourselves from her. She's civil now but I can't forget sadly as it went on for over seven years.

You either need to suck it up (horrible I know) or you could find it causes issues between you and dh or dh starts to cut his family off. Kill them with kindness if you have to.