To think that they should shut the fuck up

[KatMcGee]

I don't like DH's family.

They don't like me.

We've been together for 5 years, married for 2, we live in London whilst DH's family thankfully live way up north.

I'm not the easiest person to deal with but I'm not horrid, I keep to myself, I don't really do nature or cooking or anything that takes me away from a mobile signal

DH has a massive family and every summer they all meet up at his parents property, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins which is in the middle of nowhere.

I did this once 4 years ago and I hated every bloody second of it, they go hiking at dawn, they have family sports days, which is just grown men kicking a ball around whilst the women cheer from the sidelines , tend to kids etc

I've managed to avoid it ever since but this year DH wouldn't relent and he managed to talk me into it.

It's day 2 and I'm ready to head home. It seems that all of DH's excuses over the years weren't believed and I've been assigned the role of the evil daughter in law.

Everyone keeps giving me snide comments.

They were up at dawn for their fucking hike yesterday and I crawled out of bed to join in and not be a spoilsport and I was bombarded with snide comments

SIL: "Oh dear, if you can't keep up, you shouldn't have come along"

A random aunt: "those boots look brand new, I hope you're not throwing DH's money away" I work, I earn more than DH, I don't hike, so I had to buy boots and when I told this to random aunt, she looked at MIL and said "you were right about her"

Yesterday afternoon when all the woman were cooking in the kitchen, I was in the bedroom as I can't cook but another SIL called me down and so I went down.

"Oh why'd you bring her down" said very fucking loudly by MIL "I mean she won't be much help, girl can't even cook"

I ignored her, went on my phone as they were going on about little Barnaby (not his real name) teething and not coping well with all the noise/people.

I sat their thinking, why bring a teething toddler to this mad house but kept my mouth shut.

BIL walks through the door, joins in the Barnaby talk, looks at me and says "you'll be dealing with all this soon" I pulled a face, it was a natural reaction, lasted only for a second

MIL pipes up "Oh didn't you know, Madam over there doesn't want children, she's too busy with her career" it was said with a smile but with so much fucking venom.

I smiled and said "DH, can't stand the little brats either" then bombarded DH with texts. He walked in five minutes later and I've refused to let him leave my side.

He didn't go out to the lake with all the boys this morning and sat right next to me throughout this afternoons barbecue. This has only led to more comments, if I hear one more snide remark I'm going to tell them to shut the fuck up and then leave.

I won't survive till Friday, I'm thinking of faking ill tonight and leaving in the morning but DH refuses to play along.

i'm not quite sure why people think the OP is being rude.

She's gone somewhere she doesn't want to go

Has made an effort

Been forced to hang around doing gender segregated activities.

She's been subjected to asides and snide comments all day, as well as some very pointed and direct attacks on her and her DH's life choices.

I wouldn't want to socialise in that situation either, why the hell would anyone want to sit there with a bunch of women who are essentially bullying you?

ooh this sounds like the film Family Stone and you're Sarah Jessica Parker.
Has dh got a very good looking Luke Wilson lookalikee you can get pissed with?
You can't berate them for having seen through the excuses for the last four years...unless you are saying genuinely DH did not want to go, then you are the reason he hasn't been. Does not make you evil DIL but they think you wear the trousers. Nowt wrong with that but own it, don't do the sickness charade/sockpuppet through DH. It looks like you've got his balls in your purse to the rest of the family as he has effectively given up socialising to sit by your side. Why did you just not agree for him to holiday there alone this year, next year and the last few? Does he not have enough holiday to have a break up there whilst you see your mates or own family then a separate week both of you alone

While I get your issues about 'the women have to do X and the men do nothing', holding fast to all the principles in the world aint going to change a single one of your DH's family, and neither is 'telling it like it is'. Most people - and especially a group this size - don't welcome an outsider telling them they are living all wrong.

Love this thread. OP you and I could be soul sisters. I find family gatherings really difficult and I'm shit at the superficial chit chat consequently DH's family (and DH) find me too fierce and challenging. It fucks up my self-esteem when I'm with them and my behaviour goes down the pan. I use the strategy of being a'good listener' and reassure myself that is the best I can offer. I also make vast quantities of tea and force myself to make eye contact then shine up my halo and pretend I'm an early to bed gal. I also know I'm being a 'princess' and to get a grip. Hold your nerve.

This is the most depressingly sexist thread ive seen in a while, and that's going some! Why the fuck should OP do the washing up before her partner or the men have?!

I am amazed at the posters who would drive off throwing back a grenade over their shoulders. This is the DH's family, not just a random group of people you'll have nothing more to do with. They are treating you badly (and you aren't helping the situation), but it is grossly unfair to declare war on your DH's family because your DH will be left in an impossible situation, having to choose between his family and his wife.

His family must be wondering what he sees in you. You are not making yourself very likable

So what. If the OPs DHs family don't like her for who she is, it does not matter. Why should she jump hoops to please them. The gender segregated, cheering on the boys, before cooking them their dinner and chit chatting about girl stuff means the OP is not mad keen on them either. Where are their hoops to jump through?

Aye. It's grim up North.

Mike Finnegan lives there.

They sound awful. It seems as if they have this opinion of you, whether right or wrong, and they immediately don't like you based on this opinion. Leave if you're not comfortable but I wouldn't have a go at your husbands family that will make it even more awkward for him

I feel for you but agree it's 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. Perhaps they started it but I think you should do some kind of Bulls hit rim com speech "you may not love me but we all love dh. Let's make it work" type bollocks n if that doesn't work then leave.

I can see where you're coming from OP. I am not a morning person, a nature person, or a domestic person. So being forced to spend a week doing all that with people who clearly don't like me sounds hellacious.

TBH, 5 years down the line and still not getting on with the in laws probably means you're unlikely to!

Cut you loses and run. From what you have said, there is a massive personality clash and MIL seems to be the 'head' of the opposition so to speak.

In future, just don't go. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't so why put yourself in the lion's den so to speak OR insist that you and DH stay in a hotel and minimise the tension?

If you get along with SIL2, why not invite her down to yours one weekend or for a few days and allow her to get to know you and hopefully that will transmit back?

Clutching at straws. I really don't think you and your in laws are going to get along. Reading between the lines, there is definitely a clash in terms of expectations, ideals, traditions, way of life etc, etc social class maybe

I think you should stay and give us a running report of all the mad things they say. You could play Bingo, you'll need alcohol, and drink a shot every time they say certain words raise the glass and shout bingo before you drink. Get your Dh in on it and you could both get legless together.

I'd lay the blame with your dh. He's forced you all into a situation you aren't happy with. You were perfectly happy for him to go alone, but he's made you use your annual leave and now everyone is miserable.

I think the only way to save this is to say to your dh you are going alone and find a way to enjoy your booked annual leave. He is laying an unfair guilt trip on you by saying he has to leave if you go.

Ops disappeared. Is she packing?

YOu come across as arsey OP. Alright, your in-laws have made under the belt comments but I bet my bottom dollar its a case of cause and effect. It speaks volumes that you've "managed to avoid" their family summer gathering since being with DH after "hating" the first time, that does not go unnoticed.
And I know you're quick to emphasize you went hiking, went ti the shops, here and there etc by way of making an effort, for some reason I can just see/imagine it as you tagging along but with a sullen moody Kevin attitude. With my kids, if they do that with something I've asked them to do, I tell them if you're going to be like that, I'd rather you not do it at all with that sour attitude and instead, off to your rooms.

If you're in London and his family "thankfully way up North" does he still go to visit them every summer?

Give it another day. Try your very best to throw yourself into it. If it doesn't improve, leave. However, I don't think you should be rude to DH's family even if though it sounds as though they have been rude to you. Thank them for inviting you to stay with them but say that you're a city girl and it's not really your thing. Be gracious.

They have been rude but you have been rude also. Eg. Going on the phone

Maybe you ned a blow-out and say that you have been upset by all the comments about the cooking, children etc and you like to have a clean slate and start afresh. These are your dh's relatives, and this familymgetogether is obviously an important family event. You need to learn how to enjoy/tolerate it.

God, the sexism in this thread is appalling.

I'd not follow SpaceDragon's advice, no matter how tempting. In these situations, it would become an apocryphal story with everyone remembering it as the The Time We Were Put In Our Place, rather than the time when someone tried to explain why they were going.

Having been on a horrendous holiday with MIL (which was a genuine one by mutual agreement between DH and I), I was expecting to be sympathetic.

Unfortunately, you sound a complete piece of work! You have already said one of your SILs is lovely - try and work with her to sort it out. It's a week. Put your bloody phone away and don't be so rude. It's very easy to build bonds - as a pp said, a little compliment here and there and just appearing as though you don't loathe every second.

I'm not a big walker so all I'd say is "thank you so much for the invite - I'm not a huge lover of hiking but I'd love to do x with you later?" Or just go sit with the men! So what if it's 'not done', you are making your DH do it!!!

Basically, stop being a brat and suck it up. It's one week, it's really important to your DH and you could make this much smoother. Plus it's once in five years.

I don't think you sound like hard work at all OP. I would love that trip but it's not for everyone. They are behaving like absolute pricks to you.

pike That film is one of my guilty pleasures
The thing is we all have situations we'd rather not be in. So you treat them with the same professionalism as you would if it was work. Yes, lots on here including me then might say Hells yeah, just quit already but sometimes that's not doable. Sexism in the workplace is as crap as the gender stereotyping of the family dynamic. Confront it head on by all means, call them on it. BUT putting your phone down, making small talk (or actively listening) like you would with colleagues is not selling out, it's being polite.

They've been filthy to you but you've lost the moral high ground by insulting them back.

Your poor DH. No one here's behaving well, and it's all kicking off at his expense. Easy to tell why he picked you - you and MIL are acting like peas in a pod. Be the person you really are and rise above it for his sake.