Is life harder for unattractive people?

[CherryPicking]

I know life can be hard for lots of reasons, and that discrimination can take many forms more serious than this, but putting all other factors aside just for now, is day to day life that little bit harder for less attractive people? For example, are people less likely to be accepting of someone behaving assertively, either at work or elsewhere, if the person in question isn't easy on the eye? (I'm not much to look at myself if that makes any difference). What about things like job interviews or social situations, meeting new people?

Justine 🌷 I am so sorry that you have experienced such negative superficiality. I hate that society is consumed by how we look, it's so messed up.

I'm good looking with some great assets. I'm close to my 40's, so I'm not the fresh faced ingenue but I still hold well. It's strange but I grew up in a Mediterranean country and my darker looks were nothing special but once I moved here, it was completely the opposite.
Work: it was double ended sword. I'm very well educated and on male dominated area. A bit of positivity and a smile went a loooong way to wrap men around my finger and success was easier on that front. On the other hand, my qualifications and abilities were always a surprise to many.
On life front, my looks opened doors, from partying with Hollywood stars to dating money, success and titles.
I'm settled down now but damn, I have some great stories to tell the grandkids.

When I found out that the staff at Pret were allowed to give free coffees to attractive customers, I was outraged. Twenty years - at least - of loyal patronage and so much as a sniff of a complimentary espresso. Am I that hideous?

I know this is easy to say Justine but who wants to have superficial friends and acquaintances? Good people don't care or consider how someone looks on the outside. I'm certain people won't see you in such a negative way as you see yourself. I'm sorry you're feeling so low at the moment.

The OP didn't ask is life easier for people who are more attractive than average though.
She asked if it is harder for those who are less attractive than average.
They are different questions.

I think life is harder for unattractive people, but it is probably easiest (all other things being equal) for people who are attractive in a way that reads as pleasant and pretty/handsome but not overtly sexy. Your Zooey Deschanels rather than your Megan Foxes. I think it's with the latter sort - what people describe in women as 'hot' rather than 'pretty' - that you get most of the problems of the beautiful described above.

But yes, I do think that, all other things being equal, most people prefer interacting with attractive people. But all other things are rarely equal, and that's why most people don't simply find the single most physically attractive partner they can, and why the hottest person won't always get the job.

Justine, there are only ugly souls. I'm sorry, you had such a hard time.

Hmmm, interesting. I think that on first impressions being attractive definitely helps. People are more open to attractive people, more keen to help them, get to know them etc.
However, i think that personality always wins out in the end.
Thinking about people i know who are popular and at the centre of things - always invited / promoted / chosen etc. They all have excellent personalities - charismatic, warm, funny etc. A lot of them are not at all conventionally attractive. But because they have great personalities, they have become attractive in everyone's eyes (I think it takes time for this to happen but it usually does in the end).

i'm similar to justine- hate how i look, would love to be 'plain',

i have a very red, strikingly placed keloid scar across my face, (impact can be somewhat lessened by camoflage makeup which is on prescription!- can you imagine a prescription to combat ugliness, that doesn't even work), in addition i have crooked teeth and a very 'gummy' smile -plus small 'pig' eyes - i have to admit, i'm just ugly - i think i have to work hard to be accepted and rarely socialise, luckily i'm now at the age of being invisible so dont get as many stares in the street, but i would say life is harder for the unattractive as well as for the very attractive - we're all judged (and judging) on looks -

mr and mrs average probably have an easier time of it.

I was just thinking about this today! Feeling a bit sorry for myself actually. Yes life is harder and unfair-er. I wish it wasn't but it is and it doesn't help that society is all-consumed with looks and attractiveness nowadays.

That's a good point Margaret - people who read as fresh and wholesome do seem to have the edge over those who are seen as sexy and edgy, at least in everyday situations.

It definitely is.

I'm pretty unattractive tbh. Was bullied as a child as a result and spent a lot of time on my own as I didn't "fit in"

It affected every aspect of my life.inever felt I was good enough or pretty enough to do anything. I had the brains back then just not the confidence that comes with people liking the look of you and ergo listening to you or not treating you like an idiot.

Yes, life is harder for people who don't fit contemporary ideas of what's attractive. It's even harder for people who are way off what most people deem attractive. This has all been studied & proved loads of times, in various cultures and eras.

People who meet contemporary ideas of what's beautiful have a different set of problems although theirs, like the unattractive people's, arise from folks being unable to see past their surface appearance. It can be harder than average to overcome people's prejudices and assumptions. But beautiful people generally get loads of favours done for them, which they don't even realise is a privilege.

Down sides of being physically unattractive: I will never have sex with someone physically attractive; I could be the invisible woman at social occasions, conferences etc; young men and some older men at work overlook me regardless of my considerable expertise and experience.

Up side of being physically unattractive: I don't need to worry about getting old and losing my looks; older women at work take me more seriously.

These days I leant towards not giving a shit most of the time.

But then that just saves me feeling rejected or admitting that my complete lack of confidence has totally ruined my life.

Acasualobserver what??? Is this true?

YANBU. People are very friendly to me because of my looks. I've gotten discounts at cinemas, extra wine at restaurants, never in my life paid for a drink when out with friends pre-marriage etc. Yes there are horrible downsides (the constant male pestering being one) but I am very aware that I get an easier ride because of my appearance.

Yes, here:

www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2015/apr/22/pret-free-coffee-people-they-like-discrimination-or-nice-gesture

I'm with you Giles. I look back on my life and think of mistakes I've made and start to blame myself for my failures. And then I look around at everyone else I know, also fucking up, also making mistakes, but somehow it doesn't have the same lasting detrimental effect for them, and I think it's the thing setting me apart - stopping me being able to bounce back. A friend of mine, who falls into the "pleasant to look at" rather than "incredibly sexy" realm of attractiveness, told me he'd never not got a job he'd been interviewed for!! I mean wtf?!

Acasualobserver what??? Is this true

Yes, it was reported quite widely.

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/food-and-drink/pret-a-manger-staff-give-free-coffee-and-food-to-customers-they-like-or-find-attractive-10194139.html

Justine I am so sorry for how you are feeling. It's very sad to read that you hate yourself, perhaps counselling or CBT could help you to be more accepting of your looks? Or maybe there's a specialist support group you could benefit from?
Umbongo is wrong to say No. It is well researched and documented that unattractive people have a much harder time in life. Other people make negative assumptions about their personalities (baddies in fairy tales are invariably ugly) and are much less likely to want to engage with them in a whole variety of scenarios. They face gratuitous mockery, insults, humiliation and even isolation. Umbongo, you are right in that we all have our crosses to bear but I am afraid you are suffering with "beauty privilege" here!

Apparently it's just people they like. I bet it's mostly their friends & families!
www.independent.co.uk/life-style/food-and-drink/pret-a-manger-staff-give-free-coffee-and-food-to-customers-they-like-or-find-attractive-10194139.html

I've been both. I have a funny kind of face which looks very unattractive indeed when I'm carrying weight, and wonky teeth. But when I'm thinner I look really attractive. I've gone though periods in my life when I've been very thin and groomed, and I've looked really nice, though I'll never be classically beautiful or even pretty (I have the wrong sort of bone structure).

I can tell you that life is immeasurably easier in one of my attractive phases. I feel and look more confident; clothes look nice; people warm to me and I have lots of friends.

When I'm struggling with my weight (say four stone over my thinnest weight, so I mean struggling), I am not just invisible but really notice the lack of eye contact, smiles, and warm interactions. Not just from men, but generally. I feel much less confident and smile less myself as I'm always expecting to be judged. And yes, people clearly do take to me less when I am fat and wearing baggy clothes and looking unattractive, than when I'm thin and vivacious.

It's not a topic for a lighthearted thread. Many people who feel themselves to be unattractive carry with them a deep sense of failure and low self-esteem.

It's a huge canker at the heart of our society and seems to get worse every decade now that the emphasis on being a good or a clever person, or someone with real "character", has vanished at the expense of a public discourse which demands we evaluate everyone, particularly women, in terms of their attractiveness.

I think the answer is yes they do. Unfortunately. Beautiful women do get away with a lot more than a plain Jane. Sad but true.

I like your post, Special. It's more dignified to be aware of your privilege than to moan because it has a downside!