Want to move , husband does not

[Saza09]

Talk

Dear all ,
I desparately need advice . My husband and I are both irish but have lived in lonon for nearly 20 years. I really want to move home to be near my folks and my husband's family . I miss ireland a lot and we are always there . I have always done so.

Part of the move for me is to have a slower life and a more rural small town life with family time. We have partied hard here and lived london to the full but i desparately want calm and quiet and rural views and most of all my folks and in laws nearby for my kids to have a family life.

Objectively , we have an amazing life here in London .

The kids (aged 7 and 5) are well settled here and very happy in a fabulous school and we have a wide range of friends (including irish from uni and childhood ). On paper , all looks good for london and very few understand why i want to move but I am terribly home sick and want a change of pace and direction. My husband has a fab job here and if we moved he would commute from ireland staying two nights away . I have tried to give up on this ireland thing but i just cant.

It is tearing our marriage apart as my husband does not understand my need to go home or why family is such a big thing (for me , my parents are aging and I want to spend time together before they die).

After years of arguing , we are on our knees about this. I finally persuaded him to put an offer on a house in ireland and we lost it today . I am heartbroken and angry with him for not making it happen (the offer was low and half hearted ). I am close to divorce. I know this is not just about "home" but about the state of our marriage and my unresolved need to be near my parents. However , I am so consumed by anger that I have had to persuade my husband for so long when it is obvious (since the birth our first child) that I desparately want to go back. I don't get why he can't see how much this means and why he has not until very recently been open to any discussion on this. I appreciate that he does not want to be separated from us and his careerbis successful and here. He loves london. is it wrong of me to want different things and expect to be listened to ? Why has it taken a year of constant arguing forhim.toagree to think about moving ? Feel like I am losing my mind . Advice please x

I wonder how much this is triggered by the house offer not getting accepted. If the DH was prepared to say , if we can get a good enough deal to offset the other issues we will do it then that doesn't sound like a bad compromise especially as the move would mean not just the expense of commuting but also living at Irish cost of living on UK pay so more cost. The OP doesn't mention if she works currently but if that is a consideration now or in the future presumably the rural living plus caring for parents would make this less possible than when living in London.

In that situation I'd want the move to make financial sense with so many other disadvantages in play.

I also want to ask, if you wanted the house so much why didn't you put the offer in instead of leaving it to your husband?

I flew Southend to Belfast recently ......just like getting on a bus . I love little airports . Heathrow is the pits I avoid it whenever I can there's usually a better option even to the US.

Many families, especially HM Forces, live in different places and weekend, or indeed different countries, and weekend, or see each other less frequently, depending upon location in the UK; so it seems to me that those saying the dh would have to commute is too much to ask, should look at what other families deal with regularly, and for long periods of time.

I can empathise with the OP, having been in Belgium for a decade, and I want to go home. We have a lovely life; dh has a fulfilling job; we are getting ds through university without loans, which is why we are here; but it is like living in a bubble, and I feel that this is my lost decade. We have 3.5 years to go before we move back, and I cannot wait. It is not a case for us, of a one hour flight (if only), but a 10-12 hour journey door to door, whether we fly, use the ferry, the Tunnel, or Eurostar.

I miss being in my house; I miss village life; I miss being part of my community; I miss my Mum; every spring I miss seeing the Cornish hedgerows filled with daffs, primroses, and snowdrops (in no particular order). It's intangible sometimes, and doesn't make sense perhaps to those who haven't been in that situation. For me, it's not about a 'dream', it was my life until 2006, and I will get it back, but it's a long time to wait, and each time I go back, I am more and more reluctant to come back to Belgium.

Trafalgar - dont forget Stansted is 45 minutes on the Express train to central London. That's assuming the husband doesn't then have to travel even further when he gets there. Even if the flight and the airport are a breeze, that's not the end of it.

Op are you happy in your marriage in general?

Scaryteacher - but the husband ISN'T in the armed forces. Those who join the forces, or marry someone who has, are actively choosing that life. You're trying to say the OP's husband is being unreasonable for not wanting that life forced on him.

I didn't say it was just HM Forces. Many people in civvy street commute as well, I can think of several who do the weekly Brussels to UK commute on Eurostar, and travel abroad regularly for business.

Many families will not be together during the week because one parent works away, oil rig workers, contractors etc, or because one partner is happy to stay where they are with the kids, whilst the other pursues their career. It is not unusual.

I think the OP has the right not have their current life forced on her if she is unhappy, and that she has needs too, which are being disregarded. She is NBU, and marriage is about compromise to keep both participants happy, otherwise, what is the point?

I agree scary lots of people lead that life, we do! It's fine.

You don't always sign up for it either, things can just morph into something else. My DH no longer works nearby, but he never applied for another job or chose that sort of lifestyle.

Yy my friend's DF spent the week in London and weekends at home with the family in Scotland. We do it too. It's fairly common. Because, lots of people don't find London conducive to the type of family life they want.
And yy priorities change and families have to adapt to ensure everyone's needs are being met, not just the financial and career aims of the main earner.

if she is unhappy, and that she has needs too, which are being disregarded. She is NBU, and marriage is about compromise to keep both participants happy, otherwise, what is the point?

But the DH would be unhappy in rural Ireland, commuting 2 days a week. He has needs too, and he's the one being asked to make all the sacrifices. That's not compromise. Unfortunately, there is no compromise here, it's like when one wants a baby and the other doesn't. One person has to relent.

OP, could you talk about moving to Ireland when your DC graduate? Maybe that could be a compromise. Otherwise you really only have two choices. Divorce him and still be unhappy because you're stuck in England, or stay with him and resent him. I'm sorry, this must be very hard for you

There is no need for this DH to commute internationally though. The family are well settled in London.

The economics are against the OP, especially if she's a SaHM or her paid work isn't transferable to Ireland (she's not saying).

It's U of OP to be angry with her H for not making a huge change: many fathers would not be willing to work away from their DC all week and if her H is one of these that outweighs her wish to live near family IMO.

Do your children want to move? I know a family with DC similar ages to yours who moved abroad because the mum was very keen to be near family. One of the DC didn't settle and became very unhappy, refused to go to school, started self harming etc They ended up moving back to London and split up because they blamed each other for the move not working out. The DC who was unhappy is much more settled now but their other DC is miserable back here because there have been so many changes to deal with.

My advice is that if your marriage isn't great at the moment - don't move.

I'm a bit confused about the house thing. That sounds like he DID change his mind and OP is blaming him for them not getting it. Which doesn't make a lot of sense.

I think her kids could get quite resentful being dragged from a settled life in a fantastic school to a very rural location because their mother wanted to. I'm not saying she should be unhappy but there are three other people to consider.

We moved back to my hometown to be near my parents. I never wanted to live here as I hated it growing up. But the school here is good (two have Sen so schooling is a priority), my kids are happy and my dh is near where he grew up and doesn't commute too far. It's not my dream and I often think of moving as I'd love to move further south and I know my parents would potentially come but it's not my dh's dream and I'd be nervous of moving the kids.

Is the marriage happy on the whole? Could you fly over more? Do you maybe have rose tinted glasses about what it might be like?

I know quite a few people who have done this ( we live rurally) , and 10 years ago I would have been positive etc .However I am now in my fifties and every single one of the couples who did this are now either divorced or heading that way , including the forces ones. So, my opinion has changed , to survive this kind of separation I think a relationship has to be copper bottomed because once the children have grown up the parents have no joint social life in the country , the kids have a limited relationship with the father and view him as a visitor in their lives ,teenagers can be difficult at the best of times and someone coming in at the weekend and trying to slot into the lives of teenagers and worse trying to lay down the law is a recipe for family conflict.

Of course there are people it works for but if your relationship is already struggling I wouldn't attempt this lifestyle.

I don't think the flying over more suggestions will appeal to the OP because she misses living there. In fact visiting more might be torture for her.

I do feel really bad for the OP, even if I don't think her dream is realistic. She sounds miserable.

Scary - sure lots of families do do this but not everyone is interested in that.

I don't want to spend part of every week away from my DH and he wouldn't want that either. Some people aren't up for that and I don't think it's at all unreasonable to want to life full-time with your wife and kids.

That doesn't mean that I don't feel for the OP as well but it's one of those things where there isn't really a compromise option - either they live in one place or in the other. The only compromise that does occur to me - and it's not really a halfway house per se - is that you could spend the summer holidays in Ireland every year with your DH doing the commute for some of it, it would give you a good chunk of time every year with your extended families. Especially if you also went back for the odd weekend/week here and there throughout the year, you'd still get a lot more time than many people get with your families.

traf
Where they live now is totally irrelevant
OP wants to sell up and move to Ireland, so her DH will be in digs of some sort mid-week while he is away from his family

On the one hand, great, he has the flexibility to pick somewhere with easy access to Stanstead or Luton.
On the other hand, the poor basrard is going to be away from his wife and family all week so will probably want to be close to work, friends and activities rather than by Liverpool St station for convenience sake.

And what happens when the culshie airport they are totally reliant on for this lifestyle to work changes its schedules? Or halves the number of flights per week due to a downturn (as happened in the last one) and now only has 2 flights a week?
What happens when DHs office relocates meaning he has to be the total opposite end of town from the only airport flying to Shannon or Derry or wherever they are?

What about when his mates, who keep him sane all week invite him to the rugby or a birthday party or a gig at the weekend?
He has to say no, because he is obliged to slog back to Ireland for his only opportunity to see his kids. Part time friends, part time family, not knowing either of them properly. That would drive me close to insanity.

What a miserable life to inflict on him for a pipe dream

When we had to make a similar decision, I weighed up the pros and cons.

It's the only way to do it. I worked out that my children would have a far better quality of life if we moved. Better home, better air quality, more money, private school and more of a social life because we would be returning to an area where we had a lot of friends as well as some family.

Not that this made it easy for me. I loved where we were. I already had some friends and family there.

But the point was that there were too many plus factors NOT to move. So we did. I haven't regretted it.

Whoever does not want to go has the last say in my opinion but it can tear families apart.

There are good schools in most places. Your children are young and will settle elsewhere in all likelihood.

There are activities in most places for children. Could you rent and try for a little while? Friends have never been a good substitute for family I've found.

Not, I agree that not everyone wants to do it, but needs must at times, and it can work out. We did 4 years weekending on the trot at one time, and it worked for us, as ds was settled, I was teaching, and dh could and did, get sent off anywhere at very short notice, but then, full time domestic life was never on the cards for a lot of his career. It works well actually, so I don't dissolve into bits when he has to go away now, and he knows everything will trolley on at home, as we have been doing this for 30 years on and off.

I don't think the OP is unreasonable, and I think it is unfair that she should be the one to compromise all the time....sometimes happy apart is better than unhappy together.

Agree on better happy apart than unhappy together, but the problem is splitting doesn't mean she can just take the children to live in Ireland. That simply won't happen. Though a PP said she is happy in England now she's divorced. Is it a chicken and egg situation? Does OP want to go back to Ireland because she's unhappy in London, or does her unhappy marriage have her craving home?

Many people in civvy street commute as well, I can think of several who do the weekly Brussels to UK commute on Eurostar, and travel abroad regularly for business.

but that doesn't mean that everyone should be happy to because some people do.

And it's not 'needs must' they dot. Have to love to Ireland. Op wants to. Based on the fact that she wants to see her parents more. That's it