Want to move , husband does not

[Saza09]

Talk

Dear all ,
I desparately need advice . My husband and I are both irish but have lived in lonon for nearly 20 years. I really want to move home to be near my folks and my husband's family . I miss ireland a lot and we are always there . I have always done so.

Part of the move for me is to have a slower life and a more rural small town life with family time. We have partied hard here and lived london to the full but i desparately want calm and quiet and rural views and most of all my folks and in laws nearby for my kids to have a family life.

Objectively , we have an amazing life here in London .

The kids (aged 7 and 5) are well settled here and very happy in a fabulous school and we have a wide range of friends (including irish from uni and childhood ). On paper , all looks good for london and very few understand why i want to move but I am terribly home sick and want a change of pace and direction. My husband has a fab job here and if we moved he would commute from ireland staying two nights away . I have tried to give up on this ireland thing but i just cant.

It is tearing our marriage apart as my husband does not understand my need to go home or why family is such a big thing (for me , my parents are aging and I want to spend time together before they die).

After years of arguing , we are on our knees about this. I finally persuaded him to put an offer on a house in ireland and we lost it today . I am heartbroken and angry with him for not making it happen (the offer was low and half hearted ). I am close to divorce. I know this is not just about "home" but about the state of our marriage and my unresolved need to be near my parents. However , I am so consumed by anger that I have had to persuade my husband for so long when it is obvious (since the birth our first child) that I desparately want to go back. I don't get why he can't see how much this means and why he has not until very recently been open to any discussion on this. I appreciate that he does not want to be separated from us and his careerbis successful and here. He loves london. is it wrong of me to want different things and expect to be listened to ? Why has it taken a year of constant arguing forhim.toagree to think about moving ? Feel like I am losing my mind . Advice please x

I think you think Ireland is the same as when you left it, it's not at all.

I would recommend you take some time off and come to Ireland to live, not holiday, but to live for a while, rent for a month, and really get a feeling for what it is like. You have nothing to lose.

I want to move but my husband doesn't and the kids are happy.
I lose, the end.

I have to accept it.I can't upset them all because I have a notion, it's hard but that's what relationships are about I suppose. I wish you all the best, London isn't too far away from your parents and easier to get to than lots of places in Ireland.

Good luck with everything.

I also think that people underestimate the pull Ireland can have. I live in Ireland, but if I were in the UK and my spouse effectively told me to choose living back in Ireland or him.....I'm not going to lie, I'm not at all sure I'd choose him.

But I think a lot of people wouldn't understand that at all.

I'm in lreland. My db lived abroad had fantastic set up but his dw wanted back to lreland to live by her parents. They moved but just at the end of the celtic tiger si financially have been struggling. Db couldn't find similar work in such a rural spot so settled for much less. Their kids were bullied over their accents. They are happy enough as accept the life but it's no dream. Also friends of theirs moved back too due to severe pressure from dw but they were very disappointed. Dw found it impossible to meet new people as locals were very clickish and she couldn't break in. They ended up moving back with huge financial repercussions and upset to the children. They settled very well when they returned as dw let the dream go and was finally contented.
Last example another girl begged and begged dh to return. He got good job. Kids settled well but she feels lost and cannot complain as it's her idea. Her family had busy lives and her dream of all cousins together didn't materialise.
The happiness of your present family is paramount. Your dc need you and dh to be on the one page. They need a happy home now like you had in lreland. Looking after aged parents is exhausting and we all want to do it but the reality is after a while most of us want to run. I'm in that stage now and believe me it's not easy.
Sometimes it's difficult feeling someone else is deciding your life but try and be contented where ever you are. Fly home regularly to your parents. Get involved in the Irish community. Get your kids into the GAA so you can be part of Ireland over there. Depression comes from that space between reality and fantasy. The closer they are the happier you will be. Try, now that house went to accept the reality of where you are for the moment.

My home is with my dp and my child also. Your kids may end up moving back to London when they are older anyway.

If you divorced, how would custody work? Your husband may be able to get an order stating you cant move your children out of their home country. I'd rather be with my kids than my parents.

You're also asking your husband to be away from his children 2 nights a week which is unfair. I wouldn’t want to do that.

Could you not go and visit Ireland more? Spend time there in the holidays too? The grass ain't always greener.

I think although you have an emotional connection with Ireland you have to look at the bigger picture. Your husband has a secure job. Your kids are in a good school, and even if you live in Zone 6 they will be half an hour away from the the museums etc it has to offer when they are older. I come from a rural community and live in London, my daughter is a Londoner, and she finds my home town so limiting for things to do and see. I want her to take all the great opportunities the city has to offer!

I think, at the moment, it isn't a good time for you to move. Take advantage of the London lights, and maybe reassess when the kids have left home or you retire. I also note a lot of "I want this and that" in your post. You must compromise. I plan to retire to a quieter place when I am older, but for now, life is too good for me to try and change things!

I'm with your husband here. Commuting from Ireland would be exhausting, and I can't imagine that would help his attitude towards you living the relaxing life you crave while he burns himself providing the financial support for you to do that. If you were offering to do the commute and provide the financial support, then yes, I'd support you.

On a slightly more uncomfortable note have you considered exactly what goes on in the whole London scene (I'm assuming he's City based) when partners work away? Don't be naive about that, especially if your marriage is under strain.

But I think a lot of people wouldn't understand that at all.

I grew up in Ireland. I still wouldn't move my entire family there, especially if it made life harder for dh and he didn't want to go.

If you wanted to stay in a place you had called home for 20 years and he wanted to move to another country and expected you to commute and be away from the family unit a lot of the time to work, all to be close to his family, how would you feel?

I'm betting you'd feel resentful, not respected, a bit unloved.

It's not that this is your intention but it explains why it's hard to compromise.

He signed up to one life and you are expecting him to turn it on its head for you. That's going to make him miserable. If you want to be in Ireland and he doesn't you shouldn't force him. If you feel so very strongly about uprooting the family you have to make that choice for you. But as PP have said, is it really in the best interests of your kids to split the family.

When my kids were newborns, each time I got a desperate pull to be nearer my family. But I realised that to force myself and My H away from our home, his good job, our great network of friends etc. If I'd really really pushed I might have made him. But I realised that actually what I need most for the next few decades is a close family unit. My immediate family.

I also agree that people who want to move back to Ireland always say the same thing"be closer to family".

But then discover their families have separate lives and are not around as much as anticipated. I know one guy who moved back with his family primarily due to lots of enthusiastic conversations between himself and the brother about how amazing it would be and how the kids would be always playing together etc etc. Only to find that in practice this happened about once a month. And all those old school friends spent weekends with their own relations too. They had a fantasy of people coming and going into their house country-style. But that doesn't happen with younger generations, even if you live next door to them. Everyone is too busy.

I knew I wanted to move back north. Nearer parents. I wished I lived closer still! I think the desire just gets greater actually. Perhaps you don't actually think your life is great - it's just good on paper. I didn't like living near London either, neither did my children. Even my 20 year old only likes to visit, not to live there! Each to their own. Just go back a lot. I had an agreement with my DH that I could go back to see my parents whenever I wanted, he would facilitate and never say no.

Do you work,OP?
Would you be able to work in Ireland?

The idea of having to fly back and forth twice a week is just grim, and totally unfair. Unless you want to show him it can be done by flying twice a week to Ireland to see your parents?
I would also be slightly worried about a situation where he leaves his unhappy marriage to spend part of the week in a city he loves surrounded by like-minded people doing fun things. That's how affairs start, surely?

I agree with others that you are looking at this with hugely rose tinted glasses, and the longer the stalemate goes on, the bigger the dream becomes, blowing it out of all proportion and becoming the panacea to all your problems.

You need to take a step back and have some perspective. You have a great life which you want to completely uproot for a pipe dream. Who is that fair on?

You live in London so you are almost certainly within spitting distance of one of three airports offering dirt cheap flights to Ireland so could visit monthly if you wanted.

I'm second generation Irish and I can tell you many of my cousins have felt like you do .Left Ireland for a more exciting life, better job prospects, love and held onto the dream of returning. The reality was every single one of them who did return when married with children have regretted it and if possible have left again as they were looking at Ireland through rose tinted glasses and whilst Ireland will always be home the cost of living, fewer prospects and the way Ireland itself has changed in character meant it wasn't a positive move for them and their families.
The only cousin who came home and stayed lost her marriage over it as his career had fantastic prospects elsewhere and nothing by comparison in Ireland. They really tried but there was no middle ground for them to find compromise which was really sad as they were a great couple together. She hasn't remarried and they've remained friends but both agree they couldn't keep tearing each other apart.

Could you find a middle ground to compromise? Maybe buy a rundown property in Ireland to restore as an investment that you could have as a second home for holidays and long weekends. If your husband is currently building his career he may not be ready to consider Ireland now but if you lay roots now who is to say that in ten years time he may be telecom ting, London lost its shine or just he wants a less frantic living environment or he gets a great job offer in Dublin.

If you want to have it all then maybe you need to take the long view and in the meantime take full advantage of all those Ryanair offers!

Alternatively would a move to Dublin rather than rural Ireland be a compromise that would satisfy you both ? Frankly though if his prospects are in London your loyalty should be to him and not your parents so maybe this is more about your marriage than anything else.

If You are living in London I'm guessing a move out a bit would free up some money, could you have a London commuting home and a weekend house in Ireland ?

I thought a flight to Ireland was under an hour.

That's a short commute for many living in the suburbs of London.

We only socialise with family actually, not interested in making local friendships very much. I think it depends in the sort of person you are. Neither wrong.

fluffy
The flight might be an hour
But what about the journey to the airport, the queuing to get through security, the hour plus waiting in the airport, the queues to get through the other side, the queue to pick up a car/get a cab/get the train

That's quite easily 4 hours door to door

My job means I have to fly quite regularly so I've got it down to a fine art but there is no way on earth I would do it twice a week, week in week out, to indulge a fantasy of DHs which makes the whole family worse off

My BIL and SIL have just moved to the rural SW so she can be near her parents (she doesn't work). BIL works in London and commutes home every weekend.

I'm very fond of them but there's no way I'd feel it was fair to be living the dream while my DH slogged his guts out all week and then had to face a four hour drive home every weekend.

I do think Ireland twenty years ago and Ireland now is a very very different animal.

The person who (inevitably ) mentioned Brexit is confusing Ireland with the rest of Europe ,that'll be a non issue just as it was before the EC.

That's a short commute for many living in the suburbs of London.

planes are buses or trains. You don't just walk into an airport and straight to the gate 5 mins before the flights due. And then hop off at the other end straight into the street near your office.

You have the travel to the airport, check in, security, boarding, landing and disembarking, security, travel to airport from work. At each point there are often queues, slowing things down, as well.

I also think and I'm sorry to say this, but people who return home after 20 years perhaps overestimate their importance. As in, you may meet up with people on visits home who go misty eyed at the thought of you returning.

But the reality is that you lose any novelty factor the minute you move back.

So may find yourself bored to tears, with whole days passing without seeing anyone. And you find that trotting up to your parents house for company soon becomes a bit unfulfilling.

A cautionary tale. We've just moved back from London to Dublin. We both wanted it, DH more so than me though.

We've been here six months and the settling back process has been very traumatic. We had a lovely life in London and I miss it dreadfully. I think it's fair to say this is one of the most unhappy periods of my life (complicated by work stresses/living with the in laws). The Ireland we left is not the one we've returned to. We've moved on, so has it, as have our friends and family.

In the long term, we've made the right decision and things will settle down, but please don't underestimate how difficult that teething period is. Especially with a husband who didn't want it in the first place.

Spare change if you do indeed travel regularly and not just on holiday you are doing it wrong. No one who commutes regularly spends an hour waiting to board a short haul flight to Ireland. Obviously we don't know which London airport the OP would use but the smaller airports are fast in fast out and it's a rare frequent flyer who checks luggage. As the OP mentions rural Ireland odds are she'd be using one of the small Irish airports too. It's a very different prospect to flying say Heathrow or Manchester to Paris or Brussels.

I also think you're underestimating the impact of the commute. It's easy to say 'It's only an hour on a plane' - that's fine if you live next to one airport and work next to another. (And I'm guessing this Kerrygold butter version of Ireland isn't exactly a stone's throw from the airport.) In reality there's probably an hour's journey either side. There's the waiting around at the airport. There are the delayed or cancelled flights. And he'll have to do this every week. Every bloody week, whether it's pissing down with rain, freezing, or if he's got a streaming cold but can't phone in sick as it means missing half of his working week.

If you made plans to fly home once a month, you'd have the freedom to decide that actually this weekend there's something you want to do in London, so maybe you won't go. Or maybe you'll go two weekends running because there's a family party, or there's going to be lovely weather there. Your husband will have none of that freedom. Don't feel like flying to London this week? Tough titty.

I know a couple who did this ie move from a uk city back to Ireland to be near her family which she was yearning to do. They lasted a year.
I think it suited the children but they both missed city life and there were a lot of family politics she had forgotten about and didnt enjoy being in the midst of that again.

If you want to hold on to your marriage I think you will have to be the one to compromise especially as he has an established career in London.