To think my parents may have stolen my savings

[notagainnellie]

I'm really not sure about this and would love to hear others' opinions.

My parents recently told me there was an account/bond thing in my name that I had known nothing about (I'm in my thirties) and that they were going to cash it in. They needed documents from me as it was all in my name. Also, my godparents had to sign something as well, though I don't see them (neither do my parents - no big reason, just drifted over the years) so I haven't discussed it with them.

The cash was for a significant but not life-changing amount and was issued to me in a cheque. My dm then said that we would be sharing it three ways between me, her and df - they are still together. She asked if I thought that it was fair, so I just said yes and transferred the money to them accordingly. The more I think about it, this was an account or whatever set up for me on my birth (hence the involvement of my god-parents) and my parents have now taken two thirds of it. It's also odd that I was never told about it imo - as if they had decided years ago that I wasn't to have it...

Fwiw, I know little of their financial circumstances, but df was made redundant about 15 years ago from a professional job and has never attempted to work since, despite being 50ish. Dm took early retirement not long after that. They got a lot of money when his mother died a few years later and moved to a bigger house at that time. They spend a lot on his smoking drinking habits and go abroad quite a bit.

What they spend their money on is nothing to do with me, I know that, but I am going through a divorce which will cost me as I was the only earner. I am comfortable, but have to worry about money quite a bit and still don't know the outcome of the divorce. This money was great, but a bit more of it would have been even better!

I just can't shake this feeling that they have taken what is mine and I don't know how to feel about it.

A bit odd that you just agreed to give them 2/3 of this without knowing more about exactly where it came from and the details, especially as you say they are not short of money. You could try asking for it back saying that you are in need now.

FGS, I think we've established OP gave her parents the money, but by deception they've taken it, so morally I class that as stealing from their own child. Now whether this can be proved legally is another matter. I'd give it a good go though.

starfish That's just awful.

A bit odd that you just agreed to give them 2/3 of this without knowing more about exactly where it came from Do you find it hard to conceive that some parents shit on and manipulate there own children.

starfish, same here.

Also, when I hit 21 and my childhood assurance policy matured, my mum took that too. She needed the money, but what she really should have done was pursue my father for it (long story, his fault). Both of my sisters got theirs, and kept the lot. It's hard not to hold a little tiny bit of resentment about this sort of thing, especially when both sisters had a far more comfortable ride at university, due to parental funding and better grants, than I had.

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam , sorry I had to go earlier.

So is this a scam by the insurance companies or a parents tax dodge do you know.
I didn't know that about children's funerals.

Not every single undertaker will do them for free, but it’s easier to find one’s who will, than won’t, and extras can be bought on top. I now know where I was at the time they all prided themselves on offering them free.

Not every policy that covers funerals (as opposed to an exact funeral policy) is only available for funerals, all can simply be cashed in, and yes It can be a tax dodge.
It was also then one way you could effectively life insure a child, or a less obvious way of hiding or re-distributing money for other nefarious reasons.

Messedup Thank you for your reply. Restores your faith in humanity with regards to the undertakers.
Glad that insurance practice has finished, well, I hope so anyway.

Some of these accounts are just heartbreaking, parents taking advantage of their own children, I just can't get my head around it.

I think you need to at least ask your parents where the money was from and why they thought they deserved 2/3 of it.

You will never get closure otherwise.

Plus, there's always a chance they'll try it with something else if they think they can get away with it.

I doubt asking them will help to be honest - it'll probably only worsen the situation if you discover that really they weren't entitled to any (e.g. it was an inheritance or something) because presumably they have persuaded themselves that it's not really yours and probably believe it themselves now.

I've had something similar and just had to let it go but it's really pissed me off!

My take on this is that your parents told you the truth (the money was in your name), got your signature to cash it, told you the three of you would be sharing, and even asked you 'do you think that's fair?'. What's deceptive about that? I think it's pretty shitty unless they really needed the money but hey didn't forge your signature or try to deceive you in any way. You agreed and now have second thoughts.

I'm not saying that asking to share was the right thing to do, it wasn't, but at least they did ask and you had an opportunity to ask questions before signing anything and to refuse to sign or to share.

In essence, they didn't 'take what is yours'. They asked you for it and you gave it to them. I think you'll just have to accept your own responsibility in this situation.

Pond55 Does it not strike you that her parents may have manipulated her and that this isn't fair.

Of course they may have. But the OP doesn't indicate that she felt they had pressured her or given her a hard luck story. She makes it sound like a matter of fact business transaction. I accept OP's version as written. If she wants to clarify that she was pressured (tears, 'gratitude', hardship, etc) then fine.

I think it's just a life lesson to not make decisions without due thought.

My view totally depends on where the money came from. If they saved it for you and then just couldn't afford to give you it all, then just be grateful you got something - on Mumsnet it seems as if everyone has parents who are rolling in it, paying for weddings, uni, house deposits etc.

In the real world, a lot of people actually end up better off than their parents. My parents are state pensioners with VERY little, I'm a teacher so not rich but doing OK, and I've helped them out quite a few times when things have broken in their (council) house. In a family, it isn't always the case that the parents can afford to keep giving while the adult kids take. Lots of us will find ourselves being the ones who have to give, and I don't think its wrong for parents to ask if they need something - families help each other.

On the face of it my parents seem to have it easier than me. Df was made redundant at the age of 43 (said 50s before but was mistaken) must have had a fair-sized pay-out and then a sizeable inheritance from his dm and has never worked since. However, he suffers from depression and is an alcoholic, so problems of another kind there. Dm spends her life appeasing him and is in denial about a lot of stuff. It's all pretty grim really.

She didn't give me a sob story. She didn't even say the money was mine, just that it was in my name. She did ask whether it was fair. I asked nothing and I feel stupid about that and I can't think why it didn't occur to me (it didn't - looking back I didn't seem to think about it properly at all) to find out exactly what was going on. It was a bad time for me (h had just left due to infidelity), but I feel stupid and taken advantage of, same as I often feel in relation to ex, who I am likely to have to give a lot of money to as well.

Looking back I think dm may have wanted to give me all the money as H and I had just split and df moaned and said why should I have it all. Maybe when she asked if I thought it fair that was as close as she could come to criticising df and she hoped I'd say no?

Only you know the dynamics behind your DMs request OP. I'd want to get to the bottom of it if it were me as I feel that it would always annoy me. Can you say matter of factly that you need the paperwork regarding the bond as part of discoverable documents re your divorce, or for tax reasons, and take it from there?

Pond55 Have you read and followed the whole thread? Op may not have been manipulated in this instance but it sounds like through her whole life there's been many instances where mental abuse has occurred by her father in particular. Sorry if I'm making presumptions OP.

Between my 2 children they currently have nearly as much saved as me and my d.h they are 9 and 7. No matter how bad things got that money is theirs for their future and I wouldn't dream of spending it!

Yes, I RTFT. I try very hard not to make presumptions and usually take a post exactly as it's written.

If the OP feels that she was coerced or that she is a victim of past emotional abuse that affects her ability to say 'no' to her parents my answer would still be the same, but I'd add that perhaps counseling might be a good thing to learn to be more assertive with them.

If money is for someone else, even if it's in an account in your own name, it is held in trust.
Redhat - what you have done is set up a bare trust. Legally, even if you need the money, it's not yours to take and you'd be in breach of your fiduciary duty as a trustee of that money if you took it. In practical terms no one would know of course.

The OP's situation is that it was her money and she was entitled to it at age 18 as it was in her name. But her parents did tell her and ask her to share it and she agreed.
I think it's pretty shitty of them, but not legally wrong.

Odd that they never mentioned it until they needed it of course.

You can't really know unless you find out all the circumstances. Some policy type savings only pay out what you've paid in if you continue to pay a fixed amount every month for the whole term, so maybe it was started off in good faith but then became difficult to afford but was kept going until the end in order to get the money back. Just an idea, you have the best insight as to their finances OP.
TBH I think in your position I would have done the same and paid the money over without asking any questions. It was money you didn't know you had after all, but I can see it would be upsetting and some of your DF's comments about money and what you had cost them were slightly odd.

You're all heart and full of empathy Pond

What is wrong is that no one told the OP about it when she reached 18.