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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my parents may have stolen my savings

184 replies

notagainnellie · 06/08/2016 07:51

I'm really not sure about this and would love to hear others' opinions.

My parents recently told me there was an account/bond thing in my name that I had known nothing about (I'm in my thirties) and that they were going to cash it in. They needed documents from me as it was all in my name. Also, my godparents had to sign something as well, though I don't see them (neither do my parents - no big reason, just drifted over the years) so I haven't discussed it with them.

The cash was for a significant but not life-changing amount and was issued to me in a cheque. My dm then said that we would be sharing it three ways between me, her and df - they are still together. She asked if I thought that it was fair, so I just said yes Confused and transferred the money to them accordingly. The more I think about it, this was an account or whatever set up for me on my birth (hence the involvement of my god-parents) and my parents have now taken two thirds of it. It's also odd that I was never told about it imo - as if they had decided years ago that I wasn't to have it...

Fwiw, I know little of their financial circumstances, but df was made redundant about 15 years ago from a professional job and has never attempted to work since, despite being 50ish. Dm took early retirement not long after that. They got a lot of money when his mother died a few years later and moved to a bigger house at that time. They spend a lot on his smoking drinking habits and go abroad quite a bit.

What they spend their money on is nothing to do with me, I know that, but I am going through a divorce which will cost me as I was the only earner. I am comfortable, but have to worry about money quite a bit and still don't know the outcome of the divorce. This money was great, but a bit more of it would have been even better!

I just can't shake this feeling that they have taken what is mine and I don't know how to feel about it.

OP posts:
davos · 06/08/2016 08:30

There's a lot of this goes on, parents claiming money is theirs when in reality they have no legal right to it . It is incredibly dishonest.

once the op transferred the money to them, they have a legal right to it. She gave them it. They didn't steal it or pretend they had a right to it. Try asked her if she thought it was fair and she agreed.

Rubies12345 · 06/08/2016 08:32

I have done similar. My DF put money into accounts for the DC. Fifteen years down the line and I have cashed in everything I have, all my savings, everything as times were hard. I cashed kids' money in to keep us in our nice house and to help pay for things for them.

That's illegal. You could be in serious trouble if your children find out.

ChicagoDoll · 06/08/2016 08:32

Yes sounds like it but too late now, nothing you can do except create an argument about it. seems unlikely they'll give it back as the way you e described them they sound like railroading people

Lostin3dspace · 06/08/2016 08:34

Worse than that, if you are going through divorce, you should have declared the money and your spouse is surely entitled to half?

Treetopchallenger · 06/08/2016 08:35

I would be suspicious that it was money left from a will. I can't see another reason for it being a bond rather than a bank account that they could have transferred to themselves before you were 18, or let you about it.

trafalgargal · 06/08/2016 08:35

The fact the OP needed to sign the papers speaks volumes. You wouldn't sign large amounts of money away to anyone else without asking questions why should parents be any different. Parents might decide they have a moral right to their children's money (and to evade tax) but it doesn't mean they are legally or even morally correct even if that money came from the parents themselves and wasn't gifted or left by other relatives. There are legal safeguards in place precisely to protect children from their parents dishonestly whether the intention is to deprive the child of what is rightfully theirs or the taxman.

StarlingMurmuration · 06/08/2016 08:36

Chikara, in that situation, you we're clearly acting for the good of your children in a time of emergency. I can't see how that could be the case here. How does it benefit the OP, even indirectly, for the parents to keep two thirds of the money?

In my opinion, once you give money to someone else, it's no longer yours. Under certain circumstances, I can see why you might need to cash in your children's savings, e.g. To feed the family or keep a roof over their head, but otherwise it's theirs.

Chikara · 06/08/2016 08:40

Rubies12345 - That's illegal. You could be in serious trouble if your children find out.

My children are teens now and both know about it. Both are fine with it. My elder child knew at the time. It is not illegal - there was no cheating either them or the HMRC.

If you lost your job, got divorced, suffered a long-term serious illness or other life changing event - what do you think would be better for your children?? To have to leave the schools and home they loved? Or to stay but not have several thousand pounds in the bank "for later"

As I said they will get it back when I no longer need to provide a home for them and can live n a one bed flat

Bedsheets4knickers · 06/08/2016 08:41

I've got savings accounts for my kids that they no nothing about . I probably won't tell them until I know they will put it to good use x

NewNameFriday · 06/08/2016 08:42

Typical selfish baby boomers.

And the Mumsnet ageism keeps on going.

trafalgargal · 06/08/2016 08:44

And yes that money was an asset of the marriage so if undeclared is a problem in itself As that is fraud. You've made a legal declaration of all your assets as truthful and if you haven't included this payment to your parents then as it will show up on bank records could make for problems for you. I wonder if your parents were aware of this and wanted to make sure this "investment" wasn't a part of the marital assets. You really need to find out more OP especially if cashing in this mysterious asset would have created a tax liability which could cause you problems later. Do you have an accountant ?

redhat · 06/08/2016 08:45

Actually what Rubie did probably wasn't illegal (depending on the precise situation) since even if the money was in a trust then Rubie was probably entitled to use it for the benefit of the children which could include keeping them in a secure family home.

Chikara · 06/08/2016 08:45

I agree - it is not the same as the OP's situation - but we don't know - and neither it seems does she. Maybe they took out a loan to be repaid now in order to fund something for her?? Or maybe they are just being very greedy and unfair. Whatever it is not pleasant to feel like this and if you can OP please do try to talk to them.

If you felt you could do it maybe draw up a document with the money as a loan to be repaid at a later date. Explain how you feel - they might be reasonable about it.

ChicagoDoll · 06/08/2016 08:48

I don't know redhat in that case why don't I put my savings into an account for the kids then I could claim council tax relief??
If it's an asset I could get my hands on at any time it should surely be declared?

trafalgargal · 06/08/2016 08:51

I don't think they have stolen from you as you willingly gave them the money but you definitely should have asked more questions to protect yourself rather than just signing the money over ......and need to find out if potentially you've put yourself in a difficult situation either with the divorce settlement or with tax. If you have you may need to have to ask for it back so you can regulate the situation first.

YumYumThePig · 06/08/2016 08:53

Some people are just plain selfish op. I don't understand how any parent Can take money off their DC.

I'd put it down to experience and remember not tell them anything to do with your finances in future.

Good luck with your divorce

Original poster
notagainnellie · 06/08/2016 08:55

It's (or was - mostly gone now) £2.8K so not going to be of interest to accountants etc. Don't know about the tax situation, but ex and I have reached a settlement at mediation and, while I didn't declare this because it was over a year ago, I provided all the bank statements required (6 months). He is bloody well not entitled to it, and I know he wouldn't have wanted it. It was spent on a holiday for me and the dc and home improvements/repairs, and shit as my ex is, I know he would never want to stop me and the dc benefitting from it as we have. He gets regular hand-outs from his dm as he is a car-crash of a person, am I entitled to those?

Just feel a bit bitter about this, but I do accept I should have asked more about it - where it came from, why it was in my name etc, and it's too late now. One thing that really stings is them taking two-thirds - as if we are three individuals when they are married and have one household to run, with a mortgage I'm pretty sure is paid off and no children to support, whereas I am on my own with two young children, yet they took more than half the amount.

I have no siblings and they have paid very little for me. I supported myself through uni (I dropped out at 18 and went back a few years later. DF refused to contribute anything at all and I had to write on the finance form that we were estranged or I wouldn't have been eligible for any funds.) They also paid nothing for my wedding - not saying they should have, but just making the point that they haven't had some of costs that others do.

In fact, df has told me he resents the money they did pay out over the years of my childhood. I remember one conversation when he told me that he blamed me for 'the position we are in now', but I'm not sure what that position was.

OP posts:
trafalgargal · 06/08/2016 09:00

If it was put into the children's names to avoid paying tax or as Chicago doll says to enable a benefit with a false impression of the parents finances and the intention was that it wasn't the children's money at all but simply stored in their names for the financial benefit and later use of the parents then it is fraud.

In the OPs situation as she is an adult then it was definitely her money and they had no legal right to it (and may not have been funded by them at all especially as the godparents needed to co sign ) I wonder could this money be an inheritance held in trust for the OP until she was thirty (unusual not to be 18,21 or 25 but not unheard of especially if the source was an elderly relative leaving money to a child many years ago).

museumum · 06/08/2016 09:04

This is why the only money in ds's name is gifts he's received from others.
All money we are saving "for him" is in our names and we'll decide if and when it is his. We do fully intend to be generous but if God forbid he was to develop a gambling addiction or join a cult then the money is not "his" it's ours.
Also, if we hit hard times before he is independent the money will be spent in securing our home and putting food on the table rather than being locked away till he's an adult.

trafalgargal · 06/08/2016 09:04

They didn't take the money , you gave it to them.
You really do need to take this as a lesson to never sign anything you don't fully understand though........if you can bring that one thing from this situation at least some good will have come from it.

Inertia · 06/08/2016 09:04

It's not stealing if you gave it to them, and it's too late to do anything about it now. Why didn't you question what was going on at the time?

DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 06/08/2016 09:04

Speak to a solicitor if you think they put undue pressure on you or you didn't understand what they were doing. If you are especially vulnerable that would help you too

1weekdown5togo · 06/08/2016 09:08

Not sure about the legalities of your situation but what a weird attitude towards money your parents have. They didn't support you to study and didn't contribute towards your wedding at all? I would say that is very rare. I know a lot of couples pay for much of their wedding these days but the bride's parents usually contribute something. Making you split the money is awful and it doesn't sound as if they even need it.

carabos · 06/08/2016 09:09

Was £2.8k the total amount or the one-third share you ended up with? If it was the total amount I'm Shock that your parents would bothered get a few hundred quid each tbh. You need to look a bit closer at "the position we're in now" I think. Seems a bit desparate to me.

UnexpectedBaggage · 06/08/2016 09:10

Ageist shite reported. It's time MNHQ kept their word about not allowing it.