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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my parents may have stolen my savings

184 replies

notagainnellie · 06/08/2016 07:51

I'm really not sure about this and would love to hear others' opinions.

My parents recently told me there was an account/bond thing in my name that I had known nothing about (I'm in my thirties) and that they were going to cash it in. They needed documents from me as it was all in my name. Also, my godparents had to sign something as well, though I don't see them (neither do my parents - no big reason, just drifted over the years) so I haven't discussed it with them.

The cash was for a significant but not life-changing amount and was issued to me in a cheque. My dm then said that we would be sharing it three ways between me, her and df - they are still together. She asked if I thought that it was fair, so I just said yes Confused and transferred the money to them accordingly. The more I think about it, this was an account or whatever set up for me on my birth (hence the involvement of my god-parents) and my parents have now taken two thirds of it. It's also odd that I was never told about it imo - as if they had decided years ago that I wasn't to have it...

Fwiw, I know little of their financial circumstances, but df was made redundant about 15 years ago from a professional job and has never attempted to work since, despite being 50ish. Dm took early retirement not long after that. They got a lot of money when his mother died a few years later and moved to a bigger house at that time. They spend a lot on his smoking drinking habits and go abroad quite a bit.

What they spend their money on is nothing to do with me, I know that, but I am going through a divorce which will cost me as I was the only earner. I am comfortable, but have to worry about money quite a bit and still don't know the outcome of the divorce. This money was great, but a bit more of it would have been even better!

I just can't shake this feeling that they have taken what is mine and I don't know how to feel about it.

OP posts:
Weedles · 06/08/2016 10:11

OP, I'm not suprised you feel miffed and I bet you feel worse because you allowed it to happen. Can you speak to your Mum about it at all? Even if it's just to clear the air.

You DF sounds awful.

flumpybear · 06/08/2016 10:11

I think they're being outrageous!!! It's a smal
Amount but I'd suggest that you make sure their will is in your name to benefit only you!!! Cheeky perhaps but then so are they!!!!

foursillybeans · 06/08/2016 10:24

Well the problem is you said yes to it. It's a bit too late to object now. I struggle to see why you would say yes in the first place. Sorry OP.

MrsSchadenfreude · 06/08/2016 10:25

Ruhrpott - my parents did the same. And my mother asked for a share of the money when it matured, as they had paid into it until I was 18, when I took it over. Fortunately my Dad said no, the money was mine to do what I wanted with.

OOAOML · 06/08/2016 10:29

My parents also took out policies when we were young, and I do remember potential funeral expenses being mentioned. It was an endowment policy - it wasn't a huge payout on maturity but it was in my name and my parents never asked for it.

MessedUpWheelieBin · 06/08/2016 10:33

IME money put in your name that's isn't freely yours, brings little but fear and unhappiness, sometimes leaving the person receiving it having to prove they didn't know they were entitled to any of it or having broken the law. It's potentially a poisoned chalice, be careful.

Even if tax was paid at source or exempt, if you've ever claimed any form of benefit, WTC, CTC, sickness, disability etc, that money including what your parents have claimed as their share,that you're legally liable for may actually have been yours to give and lead to you being investigated.

When you've been set up but only find out when desperate, it's easy to end up in trouble.

That might give you a handle to turn if you really want to get to the bottom of it all with them. Unless you have nothing you could be vilified in the Wail for, I wouldn't touch 'your share' with a barge poll.

I'm biased, supposed money was supposedly put in my name, if I met specific conditions legitimising an already horribly painful situation. I wasn't prepared to anyway. I refused everything meant to silence me, (though I did keep my silence) and paid a very painful long term price.

Decades on it turns out the layers of lies and cover ups went even deeper, and it’s all back to haunt me, because my name still got used in my absence.
If the full story ever comes out my biggest defence is I’ve always refused every penny. Sorry, but are you sure you aren’t being more dangerously used than is obvious here?

MessedUpWheelieBin · 06/08/2016 10:36

Another one with funeral policies as a child cashed in by adults later. I later found out children's funerals are carried out free. Hmm

RhodaBull · 06/08/2016 10:45

I presume they saved in a children's account. I do this for my dcs - it was intended to pay for university costs (intended is the operative word because now costs have spiralled way beyond the meagre savings). Anyway, I was a bit Shock because I hadn't realised that once a dc turns 18 the letters are addressed to the person named on account so ds discovered his secret savings before I had the opportunity to intercept the letter. Hmmph.

I suppose the money is really the parents', if they alone had saved it - but, if they were taking advantage of tax free savings for their own purposes then the whole thing is definitely morally questionable.

BoGrainger · 06/08/2016 10:47

It sounds weird that the godparents needed to sign unless they put money in. I'd feel pretty miffed about the 3 way split, 50/50 would be fairer. Not sure I would ever feel the same about my parents if they did this to me. Be different if there was a conversation beforehand and the reasons why, but this just smacks of greed.

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 06/08/2016 10:50

Another one with funeral policies as a child cashed in by adults later. I later found out children's funerals are carried out free. hmm So is this a scam by the insurance companies or a parents tax dodge do you know.
I didn't know that about children's funerals.

ohtheholidays · 06/08/2016 10:52

You gave your parents £5,600 that they had no rights to,you didn't need to ask questions about where it came from OP you just needed to say no to them!

Start working on standing up for yourself,that money could and should have been used for you and your DC,your parents are awful,don't let them take advantage of you ever again.

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 06/08/2016 10:53

I presume they saved in a children's account. I do this for my dcs - it was intended to pay for university costs (intended is the operative word because now costs have spiralled way beyond the meagre savings). Anyway, I was a bit shock because I hadn't realised that once a dc turns 18 the letters are addressed to the person named on account so ds discovered his secret savings before I had the opportunity to intercept the letter. Hmmph. served you right then. You should have taken out a separate account in your own name.

toptoe · 06/08/2016 10:53

It sounds like they used your savings as their savings.

Also sounds like your dad has lots of problems and that must have made things hard for you over the years, and can see how this would compound the sadness you feel about that. You are probably kicking yourself you agreed to it, but at the time you were probably people pleasing and used to trying to impress them. It's natural for a child to do that and over the years will have become second nature to you.

Sadly, there is little you can do about it now. They will feel they were entitled to it as they probably saw it as their savings over the years, so arguing your case will get nowhere.

As you are the only sibling you will have no one to bounce off and discuss these sorts of things. Next time a money issue comes up with them, buy yourself some time to think about it (just say 'sounds interesting - I'll have a think) and get some advice - Citizens Advice or an independent financial advisor.

I do wonder how your relationship is now and whether actually your problem is how to relate to your parents as they are getting older and you never really had their support as you should have done (having to declare yourself estranged at uni, your dad's problems with drinking and gambling etc).

eddielizzard · 06/08/2016 10:55

could you ask your god parents about it?

i think your relationship with your parents is damaged a little more. i can't imagine taking money from my kids, unless i was seriously starving, and even then it wouldn't sit right. i think your parents have resentment issues.

Original poster
notagainnellie · 06/08/2016 11:40

i think your parents have resentment issues. Yes, and this is not a deliberate drip-feed, but he has even told me in the past that I wasn't wanted and was a 'mistake'. I have never had that from my dm, but I think she just appeases my Dad all the time. Apparently his own df (who was fairly wealthy) cut him out of his will when they fell out over my df's life choices in his twenties. Then his df died suddenly and df got nothing. I do think he has huge issues, maybe stemming from this as they had been close up until then from what I know.

I do get that if it was their savings all along it was never really mine, but I can't feel like the share was unfair and I can't see how desperate they could have been for that relatively small amount. Their house is far bigger than they need (too big - they are like people from 'How Clean is Your House?', which was a nightmare growing up) and funds could have been got from that if needed.

Anyway, I need to let it go and just make sure nothing like it happens again. Definitely need to work on assertiveness.

OP posts:
roasted · 06/08/2016 11:49

Well, you weren't expecting it, so you've had a lovely windfall of £2.8k and a lesson in assertiveness. You won't agree to anything that makes you feel uncomfortable again in a hurry - take this whole experience as a positive.

The amount of money is too small to fight over, but you've learned something really valuable here. Never simply agree and reflect after, take your time to ponder the issue, ask questions, and then make a decision!

MrsWorryWart · 06/08/2016 12:03

I think your parents have been very dishonest. That was is your name, therefore, it was intended for YOU!!!

Isn't that like me asking for a share of my DC's Trust Fund money?!

Your parents were completely out of order!

pillowaddict · 06/08/2016 13:15

If you do want to approach it perhaps do it in a "I could have done with more of the savings to pay for x. I've been thinking about you and dad getting a share each - is that right? Shouldn't we have halved the full amount?" And see what your mum says. Awkward maybe but if she's willing to say no to giving some back, particularly if the amount you're asking for is to benefit her grandchildren, you know where you stand.

summerainbow · 06/08/2016 14:32

Do you think could have money from your father's father . You could always go and get his will and find out.

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 06/08/2016 15:08

That's a good idea summer would make sense this being a reason.

carabos · 06/08/2016 15:52

But the OP doesn't know that the money came from her parents. It may not have been their money at all, which may be why the godparents had to be involved. I think OP should ask the godparents what they know.

panegyricS1 · 06/08/2016 16:14

Ask the godparents about it.

Or tell a lie - say that you've had a letter from HMRC's hidden economy team asking for details of the source of that unusual payment into your bank (this is a thing that does sometimes happen) and so you need the policy details.

It's important to be in better control of your finances I reckon, in future.

mathsmum314 · 06/08/2016 16:50

Well you gave them it, so its not stolen.

I pay a small amount of money into a savings account for DC which I cannot withdraw anything from, it is their money. Any relative who gives cash as birthday/xmas presents goes into this account.

I also pay into another savings account, but in my name, a lot more money which I call their university fund. If I fall on difficult times I will dip into it and I wont consider the money my children's until I actually give it to them when they become adults.

It seems your parents have taken your money. Seeing as your god parents were involved I can think of three reasons the account existed:
1 - Savings (inheritance?) from relatives presents over 18 years, where god parents were made signatory's
2 - Money saved for god parents to have if your parents died, probably reverting to you when you turned 18
3) - Godparents were using your name to hide money from taxman and get a better interest return.

Pearlman · 06/08/2016 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ginghamstarfish · 06/08/2016 18:01

I remember when my sister and I were kids, we were give PO savings books and told to go to the PO and withdraw all the money (can't remember how much). We were very excited, and went home where our mum promptly took it and we never saw it again... never mentioned again either.