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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep this a massive secret

297 replies

Gymboree567 · 04/08/2016 19:39

I've got no friends
There I said it! I never tell anyone, my family, people at work, I feel like it's more embarrassing than a really embarrassing illness!
If I had to make a choice I'd rather tell people about the time I had an anal fissure than admit to having no friends
It's always used as an insult, "billy no mates" "got no friends"

Is it that embarrassing? Should I be keeping it a secret?
If you have friends, do you think it's really weird?

OP posts:

Mamalicious16 · 05/08/2016 17:30

I have two friends but not close friends. Plus I don't trust anyone so its my issue obviously. I try baby toddler groups (different ones and a fair few times and even a dance class (admittedly only twice) And attended a yoga class three times. So that's it really

SooBee61 · 05/08/2016 17:30

Some of these replies are really sad.

I have friends but my husband doesn't and nor does the DH of my friend two doors down! They don't seem to care either. DH has lots of business contacts but nobody he could call a mate. He didn't when I met him either. I know we're told to beware of men with no apparent friends but he's totally well adjusted. I just worry that if something happened to me he'd be isolated and with only the cat for company. But I just think he'd keep working (he's near retirement).

Daydream007 · 05/08/2016 17:36

Better to have no friends than fake ones. If you are happy having no friends then don't worry what others think.

EverySongbirdSays · 05/08/2016 17:36

Depends

a) on the church

b) your beliefs

The vibe in different branches of the Christian tree is very different and sometimes Free Churches IME differ broadly.

If their stance on anything (homosexuality is the obvious one) differs from yours it can be very I've also encountered ones with odd views on health.

If you are an atheist church just isn't for you.

I joined a choir and made a lot of friends, people met up and went out outside of it, was invited to things, but cracks started to form, bitching happened, cliques developed, and one by one my friends left because of the petty politics, I left after a serious issue in my personal life became a matter of gossip. I'm not no longer friends with any of them. We are still "friends" but we no longer have that common weekly meet/experience and don't keep in touch. Again, jobs, careers, lives, kids, joined other hobbies/choirs.

Once - it's astonishing how women will intentionally dumb themselves down in group scenarios regardless of private interests. I don't get it.

RhodaBull · 05/08/2016 17:37

I don't have any friends - acquaintances maybe, but no real friends. I used to have lots, but due to moving around and ending up somewhere that isn't really me I've found myself in a friendless position.

Some people are better at friendships. Dh's boss and wife moved to a new village and within a week were dinner partying, girls night outing (the wife!) and book grouping blah de blah. I knew that if dh and I had moved to that same village I'd have been moping around because I wasn't allowed in the book group and spying out of the window as everyone trooped off to dinner parties to which we hadn't been invited.

I too have tried various groups, evening classes, volunteering etc etc. It seems a thing for people to brag that they're "busy" and my heart sinks when I see on MN people sneering at people making friends at the school gate, or at work, or anywhere really. I agree with OP that looking for friends is an incredibly secret, shameful activity that dare not speak its name.

randomer · 05/08/2016 17:39

My husband won't let me go out with his friends

That word " let" is not good.

Wherethefucksthefuckingtuna · 05/08/2016 17:44

I'm 33 and up until 3 years ago only had 1 friend who I became close to when our boys started nursery together, they're now 12 and we're still quite close. I've also made 4 new close friends from work over the past few years. I'm so pleased because people tend not to like me in general really, I'm probably socially awkward but I've found just having the courage to be myself around people and not make any apologies for that seems to have worked, the genuine people will accept you for who you are and the ones who don't, don't matter. If you want to make friends my advice is be yourself, and it will happen. Try and pick up a hobbit that puts you in touch with people and see what develops.

Wherethefucksthefuckingtuna · 05/08/2016 17:45

Erm, that should say hobbie, I'm not sure you could find a hobbit that could help you make friends tbh.

Squiff15 · 05/08/2016 17:47

Hi. Me too. I've lots of people I chat to but can't make that leap to friends. It breaks my heart sometimes - mostly because my child is an only so here we are a couple of weeks into the summer holidays and he not had any other children to play with. I feel like every one else has BFFs while all I have is people I know. I guess I'm scared of coming across as lonely and desperate so I end up coming across as aloof and unfriendly instead.

Thisisnotreallymyname · 05/08/2016 17:48

For those of you that want to make new friends there is a fantastic national group called " Spice". Its a great place to meet new people . Its not a dating agency, it's just a great social group that do all sorts. Walks, theatre visits , meals out, days away etc etc. There are all sorts of people who join. Single , married, old, young.
Look it up. I know lots of people who made lasting friendships through doing things with their local Spice group.

FuglyBitch · 05/08/2016 17:48

Friends are overrated

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 05/08/2016 17:50

I don't class anyone that has a partner/husband/wife as having no friends.

Thisisnotreallymyname · 05/08/2016 17:50

Here's the link:
Www.spiceuk.com

Everhopeful1 · 05/08/2016 17:51

What a relief - thought it was just me. Entirely my own fault, I have developed superior skills to keep people at arms length. My relatives say I am 'self-contained'. I suspect I am selfish & social awkward lol

Sn0tnose · 05/08/2016 17:52

I have around ten very good friends. Some I've known since I was a child and some I've become close with in the last couple of years. They all know each other and some have become friends in their own right, while some can't stand each other. I count myself exceptionally lucky because although I may go months without speaking to some of them (I'm quite anti social) all of them would, and have, picked me up off the floor when I've been in a dribbling mess. And I'd do the same for them. I certainly don't think it's weird not to have any friends. I'm friends with these wonderful women because they made the effort to establish an initial friendship. If it was down to me, I don't think I'd have any. I'm happy to be the life and soul of the party, but only for short bursts of time.

My DH has a tight knit group of friends who have all known each other since school and I mostly like them and their partners. We often have them come to stay with us. Some of them have become my friends as well, rather than just DH's friends but, curiously, only those who share characteristics with my friendship group, so perhaps I have a friendship 'type'.

RhodaBull · 05/08/2016 17:57

What I'd really like is local friends you can just meet for a coffee or a bit of a laugh with. I really do not want "couple friends" who come and stay for the weekend and you have to tolerate their boring spouse and horrendous dcs. Done this once or twice and scarred for life.

DeclutterQueen · 05/08/2016 18:03

My late mother used to say if you want a friend you have to be a friend. Listen to people's stories and remember them and ask them about it next time you see them. People love talking about themselves and if you listen and remember, they will call you a good listeners which is a massive compliment! Oh and read Dale Carnegie's book How to Win Friends and Influence People.

2016Blyton · 05/08/2016 18:12

"Hell is other people" as the old saying goes. We are English we don't go in for that many or even any friends.

If you are content with your own company you are hugely advantaged in life! Don't do down the wonderfulness of not needing or wanting friends. You spare yourself a load of trouble.

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 05/08/2016 18:13

I agree with catinthecradle, hobbies help. If you're shy when you meet new people having a ready subject to talk about can help to break the ice. I'm shy by nature but have made friends in a sewing group. We've met monthly for over a decade and it's been a tremendous help.

Mammaof4 · 05/08/2016 18:16

Same here my only friends are family, ever since I settled down my school friends have dwindled to nothing and since giving up work the same has happened there. Im used to it now though, i quite like my own company xx

karoro · 05/08/2016 18:17

i have given up on this friendship thing. I have some nice neighbours that i would want to be friends with but they have their own friends. Just dont know how to be friend.

HairsprayQueen · 05/08/2016 18:25

I don't really have friends (I have a best friend in name but she lives far away and we don't really talk between annual visits).

Most of the time I'm ok with it but sometimes I'd really like someone to go shopping with or just talk about trashy stuff with.

I worry I've got all my eggs in Dh's basket so to speak, however from years of not having to talk to others I seem to have lost all my social skills. I'm also convinced I'm boring so I never initiate any follow ups to chance meetings. Not on Facebook as no one to add on there.

I used to be religious and I really miss the fellowship side of it where people had to be nice to you and include you, I've lost my faith now so couldn't go back to it but there is nothing quite the same but not religious.

My wedding was pretty embarrassing too, I'm sure it was noticeable how few were on my side.

something2say · 05/08/2016 18:27

I'm sort of in the middle.

Two guys friends I've had since 20 and I'm now 41. Also a couple I lodged with for years are very close friends, like my parents. Keep in touch with lots of old colleagues. Attend a local open mic and met loads of friends through there and to be honest that group makes me feel normal. Oh we're doing this, we're doing that - makes me feel like other people. Also a woman I met travelling ten years ago, we are very close.

What I don't have tho is a best friend who I speak to every day. I did have this with a neighbour and I loved it, popping round on the off chance, random excellent nights. I miss her. She wasn't good to me tho and we parted. I wish I had someone like her.

I have a partner whom I very close to tho, we speak every day of course. But we are not part of a group and I think we would both like that.

It's good to know we are not alone tho isn't it.

Half my trouble is that I work so intensely at my high stress job, loads of intimate talk on a daily basis,mso that fulfils my need for social interaction. Then I have so much to do at night, I don't want to make plans or stay up late. I like to bed in bed for ten really.mweekends are the same. I think I push people away when they try to get too close like this. Those two guys fiends, the parents and the girlfriend I only speak to once every two months or so. But I tell you what,mwe bare souls to each other when we do speak and that's what's worthwhile.

I'd love to be someone's friend on here. How about a phone call with me once a month where we share how we really are? X

Original poster

Gymboree567 · 05/08/2016 18:29

I got ISFJ on the personality test

OP posts:

Original poster

Gymboree567 · 05/08/2016 18:30

Sorry but church is not for me, I have no religious beliefs and never will

I think pp have a point about being gossipy and bitchy, I'm not and try to avoid it, so maybe I am boring!

OP posts:

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