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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I watch porn.... and phone privacy ... AIBU?

136 replies

equinox32 · 03/08/2016 20:17

Hello,

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I am a 32 years old and I have a DS and DP (to be DH in a year).

I have recently started watching porn regularly. I used to watch it a bit when I was younger, but only recently has it been more frequent.

Basically, I like threesome porn and 'real' porn, e.g proper people having sex, and my DP seems to have an issue with it.

He goes to play football and see his friends quite frequently (a couple of nights a week) and during that time, if I don't have friends round, I will quite often have a bit of 'me' time with my toys and a bit of porn.

I am not 'obvious' about it, but when it comes up in conversation I don't hide the fact I watch porn and/or masturbate.

He seems to get pretty shirty about it and doesn't understand why I find it hot. He says I wouldn't like it if on the nights I play squash, he sat at home masturbating over other girls. Tbh, I couldn't give a shit. It isn't cheating (imo), but I perfectly understand I am not the only female he is ever going to find attractive ever again. Nor is he the last man I will ever think is 'hot'. The only time I would care is if our sex life dried up.

Also, one more AIBU question.... I am a very independant woman and whilst I agree a relationship certain things need to be shared (some money, decisions, assets etc), I believe my phone is just that... 'mine'.

He quite often goes on my phone without asking me. Or will look at a text if it goes off and it is near him.

I just think, wtf, get off, that is my phone! My private communications unless I plan to share it with you. Just because he is my partner, does that mean I have no privacy? I have no intention of looking at his phone. He then tells me I am acting suspicious.... AIBU?

p.s - sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
Capricornandproud · 03/08/2016 20:19

I say good for you! I'm the same and certainly do not, or would not, mind my hubby watching porn. It's perfectly healthy to masturbate and most husbands would consider themselves lucky in your situation!

annandale · 03/08/2016 20:21

If my partner didn't like me using porn I would aim to stop.

Is there a compromise, eg literotica/verbal only porn?

My dh would never open my letters so I'd agree with you that your phone is private.

Whatsername17 · 03/08/2016 20:24

There are several issues here. Firstly you are doing something that makes your dpo feel insecure and unhappy. No matter what that 'thing' is, it isn't fair on your dh and you should try and understand his feelings. 2, using porn more and more frequently suggests an addiction. Porn gives instant gratification for minimum effort and makes real world sex seem boring by comparison. Your real sex life will suffer, as your relationship is if you don't get it under control.

dementedma · 03/08/2016 20:25

Agree totally on the privacy and phone. I am a firm believer in the privacy of an individual and nearly divorced DH over his controlling and attempts to breach it. My phone,my email, my mail. You don't get to open or read any of it! I hate it on MN when posters casually say they were just "checking" dh's phone etc. Outrageous breach of privacy for me and a deal breaker.
I watch porn too...Grin

RosieandJim89 · 03/08/2016 20:25

I watch porn - pretty sure DH does when the chance arises and occasionally we watch together.
If DH could give a reason as to why he didn't like it then I would stop as long as he did the same.

Tinklypoo · 03/08/2016 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparklingbrook · 03/08/2016 20:27

When does it come up in conversation?

Both DH and I will look at each other's phones if a text goes off. That's fairly normal here.

Original poster
equinox32 · 03/08/2016 20:31

Whatsername17, to clarify, I don't watch porn a lot, it is no more than twice a week (rarely) mostly once a week and sometimes none. I don't feel like I 'need' to watch it, but yes, its hot and I enjoy myself. I can't see the harm in it.

Part of me thinks he just doesn't like the fact I enjoy myself without him? Maybe I am being harsh.

Yeah, we had a big argument about the phone thing the other day. He does the same with post. I just don't get it. I literally have no urge what so ever to look at this letter/phone/email. It is his. He doesn't seem to like that with me.

What is worse, is this has increased as time goes on. AIBU in starting to think he has a controlling nature that I didn't see before? We have been together 2 years.

OP posts:
YelloDraw · 03/08/2016 20:34

I like reading written porn. It's fantasy stuff that I wouldn't actually like to do in real life but I find hot in porn.

If DP said he didn't want me to read porn I'd find that hard to accept. It makes me MORE up for sex with him, not less, and fulfils a different part of my libido.

Original poster
equinox32 · 03/08/2016 20:34

Sparklingbrook, well he looks on my phone, and one day I think I had pornhub on it and he was a bit shocked and I just admitted that I watch porn.

Ever since that time, whenever he comes back he hints, or out right asks if I been 'fooling around'.

He makes me feel like a naughty religious girl who got caught masturbating :| I don't see why I need to be 'sorry' for enjoying myself.

And to re-iterate, I don't have fun time every time he goes out. Maybe 1/4.

OP posts:
YelloDraw · 03/08/2016 20:35

We don't go one each other's phones either. They are private.

Original poster
equinox32 · 03/08/2016 20:36

Yeah, I read a bit of erotic stuff to, it depends on my mood.

OP posts:
yorkshapudding · 03/08/2016 20:39

He sounds very insecure.

I also wonder if there's a bit of misogyny apparent here. Does he think men in relationships should also abstain from masturbation and pronography or is it just women who are supposed to deny themselves Hmm

HarryPottersMagicWand · 03/08/2016 20:49

I'd hit the roof about him looking at my phone and opening my post. Being with someone doesn't mean you forgo all privacy.

M0nstersinthecl0set · 03/08/2016 20:50

I don't agree with porn / it's use as I struggle to believe even the "ethical porn" industries are not severely abusing vulnerable women, girls, men and boys.
I am very put off and against anyone invading my privacy and i consider going through my phone as gross abuse of trust and a sign of lack of trust. (To me those are one conversation away from being relationship ending problems).

RJnomore1 · 03/08/2016 20:52

I would hate dh going through my phone.

Shouldwebeworried · 03/08/2016 20:54

To me he sounds like he is insecure and sees your enjoyment of porn as he is in someway not satisfying you. Could his suspiciousness of your phone and need to check it mean he thinks you are "fooling around" with a real person?

I would never look at DPs phone unless he wanted me to/was showing me something and vice versa. It shows a lack of trust, why does he need to see who is texting you or what they are saying?

SillyQu · 03/08/2016 20:55

Me and my DH show each other what we watch. He likes the fake loud oooooohs and aaaahs and oh yeah slam me harder stuff. Cracks me up every time Grin

SandyPantz · 03/08/2016 20:58

I agree with MOnstersintheclOset on both counts

I would really struggle to accept a partner having a porn habit for that reason, but would have no objection to pornographic literature which is just out of someone's imagination and no potentially vulnerable people were being exploited (this does happen in "real" porn too!)

But I don't think it sounds like this is the DPs motivation for objecting, and his invasion of the OPs privacy is not okay.

SolsburyHell · 03/08/2016 20:59

I can see both sides with the porn issue.

The phone thing...he is bang out of order. It needs to stop Asap. Put a passcode on your phone/change it. Tell him to back off. he absolutely can't read your post either.

Oh, and shut him down immediately if he starts saying it wouldn't matter if you had nothing to hide, that's bollocks.

LemonSqueezy0 · 03/08/2016 21:01

I'm not sure it's entirely reasonable to say someone should give up something like watching porn because someone else was against it! If he's bothered by porn, he doesn't have to watch it... It has zero impact on him so he doesn't have voting rights tbh..the going down the phone thing is also him taking the piss. Put a lock on your phone but also talk to him about how it makes you feel and try to ascertain what it is exactly that he's hoping to 'catch' by monitoring you...

GeekyWombat · 03/08/2016 21:02

@SillyQu This is me and my husband! We like to watch stuff together and he prides himself on choosing stuff that I'll find hot. He gets so grumpy when he's lovingly found something he thinks is a winner and I'll watch the first two minutes and go 'ugh, look at that woman's wolverine claws' and then just can't get past that, or ridiculous yelping or whatever. It makes me laugh too.

But when we find something we both like its very fun and very hot.

Atenco · 03/08/2016 21:04

I don't agree with porn / it's use as I struggle to believe even the "ethical porn" industries are not severely abusing vulnerable women, girls, men and boys

So much suffering in this world and you are helping to pay for it.

SillyQu · 03/08/2016 21:04

@GeekyWombat
It's bad wigs/hair extensions that get me! If I don't believe your hair is real how can I begin to think the cummin is ha ha!

SandyPantz · 03/08/2016 21:11

I'm not sure it's entirely reasonable to say someone should give up something like watching porn because someone else was against it! If he's bothered by porn, he doesn't have to watch it... It has zero impact on him so he doesn't have voting rights tbh

Its just something I would struggle to reconcile with someone I liked/respected and if a relationship was in its early days I'ld walk away

I feel the same way about even very occasional cocaine use: I can't respect someone who just doesn't care that their one evening of fun cost lives!

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