I watch porn.... and phone privacy ... AIBU?

[equinox32]

Hello,

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I am a 32 years old and I have a DS and DP (to be DH in a year).

I have recently started watching porn regularly. I used to watch it a bit when I was younger, but only recently has it been more frequent.

Basically, I like threesome porn and 'real' porn, e.g proper people having sex, and my DP seems to have an issue with it.

He goes to play football and see his friends quite frequently (a couple of nights a week) and during that time, if I don't have friends round, I will quite often have a bit of 'me' time with my toys and a bit of porn.

I am not 'obvious' about it, but when it comes up in conversation I don't hide the fact I watch porn and/or masturbate.

He seems to get pretty shirty about it and doesn't understand why I find it hot. He says I wouldn't like it if on the nights I play squash, he sat at home masturbating over other girls. Tbh, I couldn't give a shit. It isn't cheating (imo), but I perfectly understand I am not the only female he is ever going to find attractive ever again. Nor is he the last man I will ever think is 'hot'. The only time I would care is if our sex life dried up.

Also, one more AIBU question.... I am a very independant woman and whilst I agree a relationship certain things need to be shared (some money, decisions, assets etc), I believe my phone is just that... 'mine'.

He quite often goes on my phone without asking me. Or will look at a text if it goes off and it is near him.

I just think, wtf, get off, that is my phone! My private communications unless I plan to share it with you. Just because he is my partner, does that mean I have no privacy? I have no intention of looking at his phone. He then tells me I am acting suspicious.... AIBU?

p.s - sorry for the long post.

It's not a double standard to say porn is problematic whoever is watching it; wanking is fine whoever is doing it.

HTH

Nanny0gg - Probably a fair point tbh. I rarely leave porn on my phone, but I take your point. Thank you for making it.

EveOnline2016 - there is nothing. I have conversations with my friends, work colleagues, family. My point is, my private conversations with them, should not be his to read at his leisure.

Put it this why.... if not my privacy, what about the person who I am talking to privacy? They didn't consent for him to read their conversations with me. It feels horrible.

jaquettawoodville you can tell. Very easily. I very occasionally watch porn and its extremely easy to tell when women arent actually enjoying themselves. Its easy to tell when they look drugged etc Some porn is exploitative and whats being depicted in it would be in no way pleasurable for most women and yet the women are behaving like it is.
But that doesnt mean all porn is degrading women. Its not inherently degrading. I have myself made home made porn videos am i being exploited? I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

You don't believe in acting, then?

Ok doke.

Silly - it's the ehics of porn and the wider impact i disagree with, not wanking. So in answer to your question of course not, that would be weird. However it sounds like the OPs DP doesn't have such moral concerns and watches it himself - in which case, like in any other comparable situation i would tell him what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

But if it was an ethical stance i don't think there can be any middle ground there and you should match up with someone who has the same values as you as if not, there misery lies.

I hate the lack of a quote mechanism on here!

HedgehogHedgehog - thank you for your support. I agree that I shouldn't have to 'prove' I am not cheating.

Topsy44 - I really don't think I have a porn addicition. I enjoy it. I don't NEED it in my life. I will read the 'Porn Trap' I am open to different POV's

jacquettawoodville yeah i think if porn stars were actors that convincing they wouldnt be starring in pornos would they

JacquettaWoodville - I don't understand why you seem to think all women in porn are acting? Undoubtedly some are, but is it so hard for you to believe some of our fellow females enjoy being screwed and getting paid for the pleasure*?

• In some cases

If my life depended on it (or if a severe beating was on the cards) I'm pretty sure I could have sex on camera and look like I was 100% enjoying it! Wouldn't you?

If the alternative to being convincing was being drugged and having much worse done to you? You wouldn't manage to fake it well? I think I would!

But it's not just about the ones who are raped and threatened and drugged. There's the grey areas where its damaged vulnerable women who are "consenting" but were sought out/targeted because their vulnerablities meant they were more likely to agree

and with "real porn" and "couple porn" there is no way to tell who is really leading what is going on once the cameras are off

I have myself made home made porn videos am i being exploited?

How would you feel if your partner shared your videos with the whole internet without your permission?

Anyway, I didn't want this to become a discussion about the ethics of porn. I understand some people have moral objections to it, even if I disagree.

I fundamentally disagree with porn, but whatever it was, the fact he's told you he watches it, but doesn't want you watching it, is a massive double standard.

I wouldn't marry anyone who I couldn't trust to be in the room alone with my phone or my post.

There sounds like major issues here tbh.

but is it so hard for you to believe some of our fellow females enjoy being screwed and getting paid for the pleasure?

is it so hard for you to believe that there is probably some underlying damage if someone enjoys their body being used and often damaged (DP etc) in exchange for money?

You're on AIBU. YANBU to want phone privacy. YANBU to have a wank. YABU to use porn.

mrsKoala

But that's my whole point. He watches it, she watches it....surely the is it ok to watch porn point is moot in this case?

I totally understand the phone thing - I am not into porn, but am part of various groups on Whatsapp which I just wouldn't want my partner reading. It's mainly silly chat between friends, but sometimes people are talking about serious personal stuff within the group. My partner knows my phone's lock-screen code, and I do his, but unless one of us said to look at the phone for a reason (eg, yesterday I asked him to open an email with my mum's bank account info so I could use the details make a transfer on the laptop) we would never use them. Similarly, both of us leave post lying around - it wouldn't cross my mind to read his mail or vice versa.

I think the privacy and the porn are two separate issues, just loosely linked, tbh.

What Plenty said

YANBU, it's your choice.

Re the porn, it's something I disagree with ethically for reasons already expressed by other posters. However, you say DP also watches porn? So he has no argument there really.

The phone and post - totally not on. I think it's illegal to open someone elses post isn't it? Lock your phone and tell him if he opens your post again you will ditch him.

TBH it doesn't sound like he trusts you, and I cannot see these issues going away. Are you sure you want to get married? You don't sound very compatible from this thread.

plentyofpubegardens id be very angry at him but not ashamed of the material. I dont care who sees that, i stand by that. I would be furious that he had done something without my permission though. But i wouldnt blame the people who may watch it online for the actions of my partner. I think anyone who makes a recording of themselves having sex runs the risk of it being seen. You need to bear that in mind before you do it. The people watching it online would have no idea weather i consented to it being online or not thats true but it would be clear that i had consented to being filmed and was happy with that. Im clearly enjoying myself and if someone watching were to enjoy that as well i dont think that would be wrong just because the actions of my partner that they didnt know about were wrong.

Thanks for your continued posts ladies.

I know it doensn't sound like it, but we do get on very well. We share the shame sense of humour, he is educated, funny and intelligent. He is also, like me very driven.

In many ways we match. This recent 'controlling' behavior really troubles me, because I have always been and always will value my privacy and independence.

However, as I said above, I might not find another guy who I match on all those other aspects. It feels silly not to fight this and find a way past it.

I have put a lock on my phone now..... I expect he will ask why I have done it and we will end up arguing.

To those saying that they can tell that it's really couples etc. You're also assuming that both parties have given consent for that recording to be shared on the net…

Ever heard of revenge porn? ?

I don't have double standards I don't use porn and I would not be with someone who does. I place women and children's safety and dignity above my or anyone's want of an orgasm.

Call me what ever but anyone who places a few minutes of pleasure over the possibility of watching women being abused is not someone I want to be around.

Anyway, I didn't want this to become a discussion about the ethics of porn. I understand some people have moral objections to it, even if I disagree.

Haha good luck with that here! 🤐

Buunychops - I won't call you anything. I disagree but you have a right to your POV.

I have heard of revenge porn, but why does everyone seem to think every piece of porn out their is either someone being raped or someone not consenting to it (being online).

I have taken videos with my ex, the condition was we took them on my phone. It was hot. (I might get in trouble for saying hot again ffs).

what about films like 'All About Anna' or 'Pink Prison'?? are they exploitative? I really dont think so. Not all porn is exploitative and degrading. Saying that it is, is in my opinion really adding to the 'good women are sexually passive' myth.