I watch porn.... and phone privacy ... AIBU?

[equinox32]

Hello,

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I am a 32 years old and I have a DS and DP (to be DH in a year).

I have recently started watching porn regularly. I used to watch it a bit when I was younger, but only recently has it been more frequent.

Basically, I like threesome porn and 'real' porn, e.g proper people having sex, and my DP seems to have an issue with it.

He goes to play football and see his friends quite frequently (a couple of nights a week) and during that time, if I don't have friends round, I will quite often have a bit of 'me' time with my toys and a bit of porn.

I am not 'obvious' about it, but when it comes up in conversation I don't hide the fact I watch porn and/or masturbate.

He seems to get pretty shirty about it and doesn't understand why I find it hot. He says I wouldn't like it if on the nights I play squash, he sat at home masturbating over other girls. Tbh, I couldn't give a shit. It isn't cheating (imo), but I perfectly understand I am not the only female he is ever going to find attractive ever again. Nor is he the last man I will ever think is 'hot'. The only time I would care is if our sex life dried up.

Also, one more AIBU question.... I am a very independant woman and whilst I agree a relationship certain things need to be shared (some money, decisions, assets etc), I believe my phone is just that... 'mine'.

He quite often goes on my phone without asking me. Or will look at a text if it goes off and it is near him.

I just think, wtf, get off, that is my phone! My private communications unless I plan to share it with you. Just because he is my partner, does that mean I have no privacy? I have no intention of looking at his phone. He then tells me I am acting suspicious.... AIBU?

p.s - sorry for the long post.

Completely agree with sandypants.

If you think you are watching a woman "enjoying herself being screwed and getting paid for it" every time you watch porn to have your wee wank and that "you can tell" if they aren't really enjoying themselves you are either being deliberately ignorant or are deluded. The porn industry is hugely damaging for the 'stars'. Even if they enjoy it at the time they have no idea what damage they are doing to their bodies, minds and social lives. A lot of them are too young to appreciate what they are doing. You can argue about the 'what ifs' till you're blue in the face but surely you can't deny that it must be hugely damaging to at least some of the people involved with it (I would say to the very vast majority of them, even those who aren't technically being coerced or abused into doing it). I saw a very successful male porn star being interviewed and he said it had completely ruined his life. I could not get turned on by it, having actually given some thought to the people involved.

You are on your way to developing a porn addiction. You'll end up replacing your sex life with your partner for watching porn and you won't be able to do anything about it as it will turn into a need instead of a want.

Interesting statement
How can you be so certain that occasional use of pornography will turn into an addiction? It's not heroin you know

I'm pretty sure one of your PP you said that your DP has also admitted to watching porn. In which case he has no right to complain about you doing so at all. That's just hypocritical.

I'd try explaining to him calmly once more that it's the same for you as it is for him. Ask how he would feel if you kept checking his phone etc.

I'm wondering why some posters on here who condemn porn use think of all the other morally dubious products people consume - more or less all of them. Do you all only buy fair-trade phones, food, clothing, etc.? Surely you don't apply such moral high standards everywhere because, quite frankly, it's impossible. It makes the anti-porn arguments sound highly hypocritical.

The day that people who watch porn are chatting to a friend at the school gate and saying "Oh yes, Tamsin has got a part in a double penetration film, she was going to Uni, what a waste of time that would have been, she's making far more money this way, and we're so terribly proud" is the day I'll accept that they really believe the nonsense they spout about porn being fine. I could never have any respect for someone who likes watching coerced or raped women being filmed having sex. I would not date a man who thought this was an ok pastime, or have this person as a friend. Tell yourselves that you aren't all complicit voyeurs if you like, tell yourselves they are all consenting adults and its just a bit of fun. But that is a big fat LIE.

Checking my phone would be an absolute deal breaker for me. I would dump someone for doing that - it is a breach of privacy. Am always a bit at the people on the RL board saying about "check his phone" etc - I would go totally apeshit, even though I have nothing to hide.

I read/write porn and have watched plenty at various times so I have no issue with men or women watching it. However I understand if someone isn't comfortable with their partner doing so. You can't control what another adult does though, so it is put up or walk away.

I have not read the rest of the thread but imho you are being unreasonable because you are playing mind games with your oh and making him insecure and that is not a very nice thing to do to anyone let alone someone you are supposed to love.

As i said that is a semantic argument, and i think it's disingenuous to make out that the use of 'porn' means both those things for the purposes of discussions like these.

Unfortunately, you don't get to decide that words can change meaning based on your personal feelings. Filmed sex is porn.

It's an important point, not semantics, because it suggests the possibility that not all porn is 'bad'. If you believe the porn 'industry' is 100% bad, that's your position to hold.

Your line in the sand is that filming sex between two consenting adults for their viewing only is fine.

Other people believe filming sex is wrong even in a committed relationship, so would view you as being just another part of the problem.

"I'm wondering why some posters on here who condemn porn use think of all the other morally dubious products people consume - more or less all of them. Do you all only buy fair-trade phones, food, clothing, etc.? Surely you don't apply such moral high standards everywhere because, quite frankly, it's impossible. It makes the anti-porn arguments sound highly hypocritical."

Ah, that old trope.

As it happens, I do buy fair trade. But there is nothing hypocritical about seeking to reduce harm in a particular area. It's like saying "if you cared about people like you say you do, you'd donate to Cancer Research not just the British Heart Foundation. You hypocrite"

Also, with porn, you are actually getting off on the harmful act. If you can still do that once you know about the harm, you've a stronger stomach than I do; I absolutely think that many people don't know about the harm of the porn industry (see the note upthread re Linda Lovelace being coerced; I doubt many who saw Deep Throat would've been aware of that).

Finally, food is a necessity. If you cannot afford fair trade food, you still need to eat. Nobody will die if they don't consume porn.

"Do you all only buy fair-trade phones, food, clothing, etc.? Surely you don't apply such moral high standards everywhere because, quite frankly, it's impossible. It makes the anti-porn arguments sound highly hypocritical"

I live in a country, Mexico, where we have it all: from sweatshops to peasants growing coffee for next to nothing and we also have a huge number of young women going missing. Some of them turn up dead after having been sexually tortured, others are sent to New York brothels.

Go figure! These are all wrong, but I would rather my dd worked in a sweatshop than for her to be picked up off the streets and disappeared, tortured and/or forced into prostitution, all for the entertainment of a frigid English housewife.