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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I watch porn.... and phone privacy ... AIBU?

136 replies

equinox32 · 03/08/2016 20:17

Hello,

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I am a 32 years old and I have a DS and DP (to be DH in a year).

I have recently started watching porn regularly. I used to watch it a bit when I was younger, but only recently has it been more frequent.

Basically, I like threesome porn and 'real' porn, e.g proper people having sex, and my DP seems to have an issue with it.

He goes to play football and see his friends quite frequently (a couple of nights a week) and during that time, if I don't have friends round, I will quite often have a bit of 'me' time with my toys and a bit of porn.

I am not 'obvious' about it, but when it comes up in conversation I don't hide the fact I watch porn and/or masturbate.

He seems to get pretty shirty about it and doesn't understand why I find it hot. He says I wouldn't like it if on the nights I play squash, he sat at home masturbating over other girls. Tbh, I couldn't give a shit. It isn't cheating (imo), but I perfectly understand I am not the only female he is ever going to find attractive ever again. Nor is he the last man I will ever think is 'hot'. The only time I would care is if our sex life dried up.

Also, one more AIBU question.... I am a very independant woman and whilst I agree a relationship certain things need to be shared (some money, decisions, assets etc), I believe my phone is just that... 'mine'.

He quite often goes on my phone without asking me. Or will look at a text if it goes off and it is near him.

I just think, wtf, get off, that is my phone! My private communications unless I plan to share it with you. Just because he is my partner, does that mean I have no privacy? I have no intention of looking at his phone. He then tells me I am acting suspicious.... AIBU?

p.s - sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
myownprivateidaho · 03/08/2016 23:02

Is there any evidential backing for the assertion that many women in pornography are being abused? Obviously apart from revenge porn, which personally I wouldn't class as porn. Genuine question.

MrsKoala · 03/08/2016 23:03

No problem with that Eve, but when they don't, being made to feel as tho they are a prude and that it is expected is of course wrong. I wonder how many of these sex acts people wanted before they saw porn. And how many people feel pressure because of porn. I am fortunate in that i grew up without the internet. But after working in secondary schools and unis i very much worry for the impact this availability is having on our young people.

SarcasmMode · 03/08/2016 23:10

I think whatever your stance re: porn we all must agree even if porn was not around, society and the patriarchy would still objectify women.

EveOnline2016 · 03/08/2016 23:11

On the flip side, people who do like the kink are not being seen as weird.

The only thing we can do is educate the young into feeling confident to say no to sexual act they don't feel comfortable with.

SarcasmMode · 03/08/2016 23:11

Well ok maybe not all but a majority.

MrsKoala · 03/08/2016 23:15

Well yes, I grew up in the 80s and that was also shit for women just in a different way. Porn absolutely does not help and has made a lot of things worse imo.

HedgehogHedgehog · 03/08/2016 23:18

Mrskoala yes it is porn. You filmed it to see it. It is porn. You both saw it and i assume enjoyed seeing it. That is porn you cant just say it isnt because you liked it. Not all porn is negative. Some of it is but not all of it is. Some porn portrays bodies as empty vessels for personal pleasure and some doesnt. Like anything else its just an expression of how people are feeling in society, you cant blame it for the objectification and mindless consumerism thats going on.
Id look more to advertising and attitudes in general for that! Id look towards poverty and class problems. Id look towards the changing role of genders. Id look towards capitalism and fashionable emphasis on biological determinism. Peoples lack of spirituality and focus on the material. Or peoples intense focus on religion. Fear and dehuminisation of foriegners. Lack of real direct contact with others. Disintegration of families. Trends towards individualism rather than a focus on society. Just loads of stuff that adds up to people treating other people without compassion... and then young people maturing faster but that not being dealt with in schools by having sex ed earlier etc etc

SarcasmMode · 03/08/2016 23:19

I don't disagree MrsK just wanted to point out there's always a new drug once the old one has moved on, metaphorically speaking.

HedgehogHedgehog · 03/08/2016 23:19

sarcasmmode yes exactly! its not the porn that is making that happen more than that some porn expresses that. Porn is not inherently bad.

SandyPantz · 03/08/2016 23:26

Obviously apart from revenge porn, which personally I wouldn't class as porn.

What? how?

Being uncomfortable with the porn industry is NOT what prudish means
I am not objecting to it because it's sex, I'm objecting to it because of the human price for the sexual pleasure of watching it.

AndNowItsSeven · 03/08/2016 23:29

Op I am assuming the 32 in your username isn't your age, you sound very immature.

MrsKoala · 03/08/2016 23:32

Oh god, you are very much missing the point I am making hedgehog. It is only damaging to the wider society once it becomes public. Whatever it is called is irrelevant. What is relevant is the damage. It can't cause damage if no one sees it. Call it porn if it makes you feel as tho you have won. I don't care. But there is a big difference between the effects of a couple filming themselves for their own private use and something out there for public consumption. You are just arguing semantics.

SirVixofVixHall · 03/08/2016 23:39

Again, I agree with MrsK.

HedgehogHedgehog · 03/08/2016 23:57

i dont think im missing the point i just dont think i agree with the point. Youre right there is a difference but there is also a difference between all types of porn. As i said its not all negative its all different and the existence of it is not to blame for problems in society. Its the problems in society that mean that some porn that is abusive and exploitative is made.

Atenco · 04/08/2016 00:16

is it so hard for you to believe some of our fellow females enjoy being screwed and getting paid for the pleasure

I would say that there are a lot fewer women who enjoy having sex for money than there are women who, one way or another, have been forced into this situation, frankly.

Original poster
equinox32 · 04/08/2016 00:27

AndNowItsSeven - I am indeed 32. May I ask exactly what makes you feel like I am 'immature'?

OP posts:
TheStoic · 04/08/2016 01:47

Whether it makes your life personally shitter because you have been filmed fucking isn't really what i was talking about (dh and i have also filmed ourselves/taken pics but that isn't 'porn')

Yes, that's porn.

TaraCarter · 04/08/2016 02:09

Ordeal by Linda Lovelace, one of the most famous women to star in porn pre-internet, is an interesting read. She wrote that she was coerced into all of it by her abusive husband, and I believe her.

So, everyone who has watched Deepthroat has watched a coerced woman. That's a lot of people.

Atenco · 04/08/2016 03:28

Also Maria Schneider in last Tango in Paris was severely damaged by her participation in that film.

DonaldTrumpTriggersSJWlol · 04/08/2016 04:19

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JacquettaWoodville · 04/08/2016 07:08

You've been making quite a night of your unpleasantness, Donald. Reported

"is it so hard for you to believe some of our fellow females enjoy being screwed and getting paid for the pleasure"

I think this was addressed at me.

I expect there are some women happy to be penetrated on film for money, with hopefully some influence about who is penetrating them and how they do it.

However, I don't believe that the watcher has any foolproof way of telling if they are watching such a film, or if they are watching one where the participants are coerced, unwitting that the film will be published, acting their socks off because they need to pay rent etc.

Unless you know both/all the participants personally, you don't know for sure whether you just got off on some coercion in sex.

And you are giving this point some thought. Many, probably most, porn watchers are not. They are watching scenes that get them off without thought of coercion.

And if you click on something, watch for 30s and think, "no, she looks unhappy and in pain" - you still clicked and the filmmaker can still make money from your eyeballs on that filmed rape.

MrsKoala · 04/08/2016 07:10

TheStoic - No, it really isn't the same. If i said i was in porn, would you assume i just meant DH and i had made one or two 30 second recordings of us shagging? or would you think i meant something else? If i said my DP watched porn everyday, would you think he was watching porn for public consumption with strangers acting in it usually on the internet? or would you think he was watching our little video?

As i said that is a semantic argument, and i think it's disingenuous to make out that the use of 'porn' means both those things for the purposes of discussions like these. I would have thought it fairly obvious that the use of the word 'porn' (whether the dictionary definition or not) means the 'pornography for general consumption where the viewer has no connection with the actors'. But that's a bit of a gob full, so i think 'porn' is fine as shorthand.

I think it's simplistic and reductive to follow the letter of the definition of the term when everyone knows what is really meant by it.

JacquettaWoodville · 04/08/2016 07:13

"Obviously apart from revenge porn, which personally I wouldn't class as porn."

By this, I assume the poster meant that sexual pictures posted without the knowledge of one participant shouldn't be called porn because porn implies knowledge of all parties that the material is for publication.

Like there's no such thing as "child porn", only images of child abuse.

Revenge porn is emotional abuse of a partner or ex.

DonaldTrumpTriggersSJWlol · 04/08/2016 07:15

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JacquettaWoodville · 04/08/2016 07:17

And I agree with MrsK that I wouldn't describe private images as porn either.