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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I watch porn.... and phone privacy ... AIBU?

136 replies

equinox32 · 03/08/2016 20:17

Hello,

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I am a 32 years old and I have a DS and DP (to be DH in a year).

I have recently started watching porn regularly. I used to watch it a bit when I was younger, but only recently has it been more frequent.

Basically, I like threesome porn and 'real' porn, e.g proper people having sex, and my DP seems to have an issue with it.

He goes to play football and see his friends quite frequently (a couple of nights a week) and during that time, if I don't have friends round, I will quite often have a bit of 'me' time with my toys and a bit of porn.

I am not 'obvious' about it, but when it comes up in conversation I don't hide the fact I watch porn and/or masturbate.

He seems to get pretty shirty about it and doesn't understand why I find it hot. He says I wouldn't like it if on the nights I play squash, he sat at home masturbating over other girls. Tbh, I couldn't give a shit. It isn't cheating (imo), but I perfectly understand I am not the only female he is ever going to find attractive ever again. Nor is he the last man I will ever think is 'hot'. The only time I would care is if our sex life dried up.

Also, one more AIBU question.... I am a very independant woman and whilst I agree a relationship certain things need to be shared (some money, decisions, assets etc), I believe my phone is just that... 'mine'.

He quite often goes on my phone without asking me. Or will look at a text if it goes off and it is near him.

I just think, wtf, get off, that is my phone! My private communications unless I plan to share it with you. Just because he is my partner, does that mean I have no privacy? I have no intention of looking at his phone. He then tells me I am acting suspicious.... AIBU?

p.s - sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 03/08/2016 21:15

I would leave DH if he watched porn.

The way you keep saying 'hot' is making me reach. I'm imagining you saying it like Will Ferrell in Blades of Glory. Grin

Phones i don't give a crap about. DH can look at anything on there if he wants.

EveOnline2016 · 03/08/2016 21:15

Dh and I look at each other phones. I would be highly suspicious if dh was secretive

Tbh I'm am surprised you are not getting a hammering. If this was a male partner watching porn he would be ripped to shreds

HedgehogHedgehog · 03/08/2016 21:17

He just goes on your phone without asking when he knows you dont like it?!?! thats a bit suss to be honest, it sounds like he has control issues. I dont think you are being paticularly independant i think you are being normal to be honest... hes being backward if anything, its not the Voctorian times your property belongs to you not whatever man happens to be in charge of you! And as for porn again thats your own personal buisness unless it is affecting your sex life with him or is an addiction or something. He is the one being unreasonable dont be fooled into thinking his overly controlling ways are normal and you are the one being overly independant. xx

Original poster
equinox32 · 03/08/2016 21:18

Thanks for all your inputs. I will consider putting a lock on my phone, it annoys me I have to even consider it.

I might try and get him to watch some with me. I understand some people object to porn on a morale level, I don't agree with you, but I respect your POV.

I know he watches porn, he admitted to me early in our relationship and I said then it really doesn't bother me.

I think it is the double standards that annoys me. Much appreciate your input ladies!

OP posts:
HedgehogHedgehog · 03/08/2016 21:19

eveonline theres a difference between someone being secretive and someone who doesnt want their partner looking at their phone because they know their partner is doing it out of jealousy and paranoia and to assert control and authority.

Xenophile · 03/08/2016 21:20

Porn is by definition exploitative of women, so, um if watching women being harmed is your thing then, whatever. Porn watching would be a deal breaker for me, it seems to be for your DP, so probably best to part ways so that he can find someone better.

Original poster
equinox32 · 03/08/2016 21:23

MrsKoala, you would would leave your DH because if he watched porn? I really struggle to understand that.

Not sure why me saying watching people have sex 'hot' makes you retch. But, ok.

EveOnline2016, why would you be suspicious? Just because someone wants to have a private life, it doesn't mean they are doing something wrong. I feel like people are far to easy to give up privacy these days (social media etc).

I wasn't sure what the reaction to me watching porn would be, I am actually quite touched by some of the support I have been given, rather than feeling like I have done something dirty or something to be ashamed of.

HedgehogHedgehog - I see your points. I don't know how I go about finding out if it is a controlling streak, or he is just suspicious of me.

The question is, how do I prove I have done nothing wrong (cheating) without giving away my right to privacy?

He knows I am not cheating anyway because he has looked at my phone numerous times. Hence why I am considering putting a lock on it.

OP posts:
HedgehogHedgehog · 03/08/2016 21:26

Xenophile i disagree, whats harmful to women is acting like they are all sexually passive or that their only expression of sexuality should be to please the man they love. The OP says she watches amateur porn of real couples etc... theres nothing inherently exploitative in consenting adults filming themselves having sex for fun. If you think that women only make pron because they are forced to or that nice women dont watch porn then you are adding to the attitude that women are sexually passive.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 03/08/2016 21:27

He shouldn't be looking at your phone without permission. He doesn't trust you. I couldn't be in a relationship without trust. Are you sure you want to marry him?

There's nothing wrong with having a wank and you don't have to share details of your wanking habits with anyone, even your DP, even if you had a brilliant relationship, which you don't - see above.

I used to use porn until I worked out that it was highly likely I'd got off to someone being raped at some point which killed it for me. YMMV. Have you thought about using erotic fiction instead?

Original poster
equinox32 · 03/08/2016 21:28

Xenophile - I disagree, the definition of porn is:

"Sexually explicit pictures, writing, or other material whose primary purpose is to cause sexual arousal."

I find your comments quite hurtful, that he should leave me for giving myself pleasure. Somehow other women are 'better' than me because they do not watch porn? I find that odd.

I do not think all women in porn are abused, undoubtedly there are some though, I understand that.

Does that mean I should not drive a car because people are killed on the road by cars everyday?

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 03/08/2016 21:29

its the word 'hot', it just sounds so creepy and immature and trying to be sexxay. If you said 'turns me on' then it wouldn't make me reach. It's just the 'haaaatttt' (said in a sleazy american voice that i am imagining).

And yes i would, i'm not sure why you struggle with that. Exploitation of others, degrading women and making society generally a grimmer place for everyone is one of my deal breakers, that and saying 'hot' of course. bbleeaurch. Grin

FayaMAMA · 03/08/2016 21:29

PORN: Girl, don't let him make you feel like you should hide what you enjoy, and definitely don't let him manipulate you into stopping! If you find porn hot, then surely that's a great thing? He sounds very insecure. Definitely talk to him about it, or make a point of watching together sometimes.

PHONE: I have huge issues with people invading my privacy. I hate when people touch things that are private or 'mine'; my post, mobile phone, laptop, day planner, etc. BUT I'm one of 7 siblings plus 2 step-siblings so I guess it stems from there; I love (or need to have) my personal space and belongings. If a partner read through my texts on my phone, opened my mail or anything like that it would really violate my trust. So, I personally don't think that you're being unreasonable on that front at all.

Atenco · 03/08/2016 21:30

"rather than feeling like I have done something dirty or something to be ashamed of"

So your worries about morality is limited to the way you get turned on, while you couldn't give a fuck about the people suffering for your entertainment

SandyPantz · 03/08/2016 21:30

MrsKoala, you would would leave your DH because if he watched porn? I really struggle to understand that

For me it would have zero to do with him finding other people visually attractive (I do, who doesn't), and actually has very little to do with sex, what it is to do with is that it would mean that our morals/beliefs were worlds apart, and that is an issue.

It would mean that they don't care about the human collateral so long as they get their short episode of enjoyment. This is why I would struggle to be in a relationship with them.

Watching porn doesn't only affect the person doing the watching just because the people involved are on a screen. I think there's grey areas where people aren't exactly forced to take part, but are used because they're vulnerable types who on paper agree, but it's still exploitative.

Dragongirl10 · 03/08/2016 21:30

Op, l think the issue here is the increasing controlling nature of your Dp, you say this has got worse....beware before you get married that is a BIG red flag.

It does sound like he is uncomfortable with your sexuality and this needs to be properly resolve before you tie the knot.
Good luck

JacquettaWoodville · 03/08/2016 21:30

Hedgehog

How do you know which porn is consenting adults filming themselves for fun?

Original poster
equinox32 · 03/08/2016 21:31

It frustrates me. He is a nice bloke and I do love him. Well I am pretty sure I do, the last few weeks have cast doubts I guess.

He is great with DS and brings stability to our family. This is all so frustrating :(

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 03/08/2016 21:32

I think you should put a lock on your phone. I don't know how old your DC is but you won't want them scrolling through your history in the future!

HedgehogHedgehog · 03/08/2016 21:32

yes OP you shouldnt have to prove you arent cheating someone who respected you and was psychologically healthy would not need to check your phone to know, they would believe what you said, they would know from knowing you.
Please dont get trapped into thinking you need to pander to someones invasive behaviour. His jealousy and paranoia are his own issues and you shouldnt be the one dealing with them and placating him. He should work on these things himself. As long as you are being honest and open with him in general theres no need for you to provide evidence, going down that path just reinforces his attitude that its acceptable to be that invasive.
If he had very different moral standards to you over porn that would be a separate issue but as he watches it himself it seems very much like a control issue that he has.

EveOnline2016 · 03/08/2016 21:32

The reason is that there is got to be something on the phone that you don't want him to see.

SillyQu · 03/08/2016 21:33

Just gonna say that as a SUPPORTER OF WOMEN feel free to have a wank and don't feel guilty about it.

Shesh! Some people are really digging deep! All OP wants to do is have a wank with some porn in peace without her husband having a snoop or dig! If she wasn't watching porn whilst she wanked would you all be digging her out? Or would you be telling her to enjoy it?

Indoctrinated into the double standard of society I think!

Original poster
equinox32 · 03/08/2016 21:35

Atenco - I understand the moral aspect of porn. Most of the stuff I watch is amatuer stuff, which seems to be between two adults consenting. I can't prove it beyond doubt, but can you prove all the porn I have watched is women being exploited?

Is it really hard to accept the idea that some women enjoy sex and don't mind getting paid for it?

OP posts:
Topsy44 · 03/08/2016 21:35

You said 'the only time I would care is if our sex life dried up.'

It will if you carry on the way you are going. You are on your way to developing a porn addiction. You'll end up replacing your sex life with your partner for watching porn and you won't be able to do anything about it as it will turn into a need instead of a want.

It sounds like you have a loving, caring partner. Please don't do that to him or yourself. Read 'The Porn Trap' if only for curiosity to see if you may be addicted and how much it hurts your partner and yourself.

ATrumpIsAFartCalledDonald · 03/08/2016 21:35

eve or on the flip side, it is private. I don't get in for this idea that for a relationship to be a true partnership both parties have to become blood brothers.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 03/08/2016 21:36

I do not think all women in porn are abused, undoubtedly there are some though

What percentage of abused women is acceptable to you, in the context of getting off? Are you happy wanking to abuse 50% of the time? 10% of the time? 1% of the time?

A car still drives, still gets you from A to B, even though people are killed by cars. Porn IME completely stops working once you allow yourself to think about how harmful it is.