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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I watch porn.... and phone privacy ... AIBU?

136 replies

equinox32 · 03/08/2016 20:17

Hello,

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I am a 32 years old and I have a DS and DP (to be DH in a year).

I have recently started watching porn regularly. I used to watch it a bit when I was younger, but only recently has it been more frequent.

Basically, I like threesome porn and 'real' porn, e.g proper people having sex, and my DP seems to have an issue with it.

He goes to play football and see his friends quite frequently (a couple of nights a week) and during that time, if I don't have friends round, I will quite often have a bit of 'me' time with my toys and a bit of porn.

I am not 'obvious' about it, but when it comes up in conversation I don't hide the fact I watch porn and/or masturbate.

He seems to get pretty shirty about it and doesn't understand why I find it hot. He says I wouldn't like it if on the nights I play squash, he sat at home masturbating over other girls. Tbh, I couldn't give a shit. It isn't cheating (imo), but I perfectly understand I am not the only female he is ever going to find attractive ever again. Nor is he the last man I will ever think is 'hot'. The only time I would care is if our sex life dried up.

Also, one more AIBU question.... I am a very independant woman and whilst I agree a relationship certain things need to be shared (some money, decisions, assets etc), I believe my phone is just that... 'mine'.

He quite often goes on my phone without asking me. Or will look at a text if it goes off and it is near him.

I just think, wtf, get off, that is my phone! My private communications unless I plan to share it with you. Just because he is my partner, does that mean I have no privacy? I have no intention of looking at his phone. He then tells me I am acting suspicious.... AIBU?

p.s - sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
PlentyOfPubeGardens · 03/08/2016 22:01

Well it was a massive turn off for me, hedgehogs, when I realised that even the most enthusiastic-looking 'amateur' porn might have been shared without the consent of one of the parties. Not everyone in that situation would feel like you do. I'd feel deeply violated if it happened to me. I don't want to wank to someone's video that has left them feeling like that, however naive they have been allowing themselves to be filmed.

That's without getting into how much 'amateur' porn is actually 'profesional'.

MrsKoala · 03/08/2016 22:06

For me my objections to it are more about the negative impact i think porn has on society in general. So it is irrelevant whether the actual porn is exploitative to the actors. I think it is damaging to every person who lives in society in general (in different measures). It is an insidious creep of degradation. Same as my page 3 objections. I don't think those models are being coerced, but having that level of objectification makes life shitter for women and also men - imo.

Judydreamsofhorses · 03/08/2016 22:06

I have never not had a lock on my phone and it's now a fingerprint activated one - more from the point of view of losing it or bag-dialling someone - so I actually think it's unusual not to.

BeyondBeyondBeyondBeyondBeyond · 03/08/2016 22:07

Long time lurker, first time poster. Oh and by the way, I'm gonna post a situation that often occurs around the 'other way', but not at all in a disingenuous attempt to call mn a pit of sexist harpies. Oh no.

:)

HedgehogHedgehog · 03/08/2016 22:08

you see its not a turn off for me because if i see someone clearly happy and having a good time and clearly aware that they are being filmed then i find no moral problems in finding that arousing. How that video got there for me is a separate issue. Whats important to me is that at that time they clearly feel safe and happy. I cant guarentee all amateur porn is there with both parties consent but similarly i cant guarentee my clothing wasnt made in a sweatshop or that farmers in a far away country were giving a fair wage for growing the fruit i eat etc etc... you do your best dont you, to work out the impact of what you are doing. If it turns out that a certain shop uses child labour i wont shop there however i wont stop shopping anywhere and start making all my own clothes just because im worried that some shops may be using child labour and i dont know about it.

SandyPantz · 03/08/2016 22:09

I have heard of revenge porn, but why does everyone seem to think every piece of porn out their is either someone being raped or someone not consenting to it (being online)

We don't, but we know that the sites making money out of the ones who did consent also make money out of the ones that don't. So you are supporting a fundamentally expoitative industry.

An industry that has affected how younger generations feel about their bodies, sex, and expectations upon them.

You can't dress it up just because you might stumble upon a few that genuinely aren't acting and are not vulnerable, you are supporting an industry that does a hell of a lot of harm.

PacificDogwod · 03/08/2016 22:10

MrsKoala, I think I love you Smile - spot on.

BeyondBeyondBeyondBeyondBeyond · 03/08/2016 22:12

MrsK Wine

MrsKoala · 03/08/2016 22:16

Thanks beyond for the virtual wine - i could really do with some real stuff, ds2 wont go sleep and i'm knackered

MrsKoala · 03/08/2016 22:17

and of course Pacific i love you too Wink

HedgehogHedgehog · 03/08/2016 22:20

Mrskoala well i respect your right to hold that opinion but i dont agree. I think if anything we need to be more open about discussing porn as a society. People make porn they always have they always will. Some of it is exploitative some of it is beautiful. Expression of sexuality is not inherently morally wrong. People all have different standards of what is public and what is private and thats fine but its not fine to inflict those standards on others. If consenting adults want to make and watch porn they should and if people dont want to watch it or be involved they dont need to be. Saying it makes life shittier for people is just not true. Just because i enjoyed being filmed does not mean i have damaged myself or objectified myself, it means nothing other than that i enjoyed being filmed! why shouldnt I or anyone else express themselves in that way? Id rather be on page 3 with my tits out than in a subtly sexist advert that reinforces gender stereotypes without anyone noticing. At least i know whats going on when i have my tits out, at least im actively trying to be a sex object rather than just passively being made into one.

gillybeanz · 03/08/2016 22:21

There are 2 different issues here, the porn and your privacy.

I think his ego is dented tbh and he feels you get better sex with the porn than him.
I'd talk to him openly and honestly and ask if he can get over this, if not it's a shame but you may have to stop to keep him.

I watch it on my laptop and have to clear it all afterwards in case somebody sees it as everyone uses mine for some reason Grin

As for the privacy, he has no right and he obviously doesn't trust you when he says you are acting suspiciously, maybe he's checking your porn use or if you are seeing someone else or worse, escorts.

dontmakemedothis · 03/08/2016 22:23

You need to communicate your feelings to your partner. Tell him how you feel about both issues (that you'd like to be able to watch porn, and that you'd rather he didn't check your phone). If either is a deal-breaker for him, then you will either need to compromise, or re-evaluate the relationship.

Communication is key.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 03/08/2016 22:31

Innit though, ladies Beyond.

Anyone would think we were stupid vipers too.

EveOnline2016 · 03/08/2016 22:35

I don't see nothing wrong with self satisfaction.

I am very confident in my sex life and if dh did fancy a little diy I really wouldn't have an issue. It would give me a break lol.

I kind of get where you are coming from. Dh have the same friends and as such we have the same messages. So I was being short sighted by not thinking about private messages between friends.

MrsKoala · 03/08/2016 22:41

I didn't say we shouldn't discuss porn in society. I studied fetishism at uni. I'm quite happy for everyone to talk about porn. I'm certainly not prudish.

I have noticed a real change in attitudes to sex and women in society since the ubiquity of porn on the internet. Whether it makes your life personally shitter because you have been filmed fucking isn't really what i was talking about (dh and i have also filmed ourselves/taken pics but that isn't 'porn') . It makes many many peoples life shitter in ways they wouldn't even notice. Just a gradual chipping away at things. Men shouting 'i want to cum on your face' to women in the street, expecting anal and fisting as the 'norm', teens sexting and feeling pressure to do so...on and on it goes and yes i feel the availability of porn is the main culprit for these things.

You can get what you want, but it isn't always what you need.

PickAChew · 03/08/2016 22:41

Is there any good reason why you don't just lock your phone? It's not exactly difficult.

PickAChew · 03/08/2016 22:46

I see you have done. OK, then.

There's a lot to get past for this to work long term, though. He objects to your porn usage and you fear him kicking up a stink about not having access to your phone and to your personal correspondence - texts etc. It is not the healthiest relationship dynamic.

SirVixofVixHall · 03/08/2016 22:49

I agree with MrsKoala. (As I have done on other occasions Smile ) If Dh watched porn I would have no respect for him at all , thus game over for our marriage. I wouldn't want to continue a friendship with someone who watched porn, never mind a marriage.
re the 'phone, I never check DH's and he doesn't check mine, but if he needed to for some reason it wouldn't bother me in the slightest, and vice versa. Same with post. We don't open each others' post, but if we needed to, then it would be a non-issue.

HedgehogHedgehog · 03/08/2016 22:50

Mrskoala its a symptom not a cause. Filming you and your partner having sex IS porn. Porn is not just negative. Saying that porn is responsible for attitudes is like saying violent movies or video games are responsible for violence. Porn is not the reason people are behaving like you say.

ShiftyLookingBadger · 03/08/2016 22:53

Put a lock on your phone! He must respect your privacy, it's not normal or health to snoop.

I watch lots of porn, it's great! I've recently been into movie sex scene compilations. More realistic than the tacky, over-the-top stuff. Grin

EveOnline2016 · 03/08/2016 22:54

What is wrong with women actually enjoying anal sex and fisting.

I own a good variety of sex toys. I really haven't got a problem discussing it, but this isn't the thread.

GladAllOver · 03/08/2016 22:54

I don't watch porn, but on the privacy thing DH and I have no secrets from each other. We have the same swipe code on our phones and the same password on our PCs as it's sometimes useful to be able to borrow them.

ShiftyLookingBadger · 03/08/2016 22:57

Also, shocked to see how many prudes are on mumsnet. Porn can be part of a couple's healthy sex life. Get over it!

MrsKoala · 03/08/2016 22:58

No it isn't in the context of this argument. Because it is a personal intimate part of a sex life between a couple that no one else will see. If it was on the internet or available for others to use as disposable jollies then yes it would be contributing to the sea of porn wearing society down. It would add to the mindset that bodies and body parts are empty vessels for personal pleasure and as long as you have a good time then the impact is inconsequential.