To think my ex-wife doesn't need to tell my male partner I was previously married to a woman

[Qedwai]

I've created a new account for this. Despite being British born I come from a very conservative family. I was always worried that revealing my sexuality would result in me being killed. This is no exaggeration. My family despise homosexuals. So I hid my sexuality from everyone. When I went to university at 18 I met my now partner. I am now 33 and we have been together for almost 16 years. We have two children through surrogacy (hence why I'm a member of mumsnet).

What he doesn't know is that I was previously married. At 19 I was bullied into an arranged marriage that I never wanted. I was scared and felt I had to go through with it. She was from a different country and I got married islamically (never legally) aged 19. My University course took a total of 7 years. 5 to qualify and three to be fully specialised. This allowed me an excuse to stay away from my wife as much as possible as I was not sexually attracted to her and was never able to have sex.

I was extremely torn as my Partner was putting pressure on me to come out and my wife was putting pressure on me to finalise the immigration process so that she could move to the UK to start a life with me. So at 25 I just came out to my family. They never spoke to me again.

I also explained the situation to my wife. She hated me too which I understand. The only thing I never did was tell my Partner any of this. I came out publicly after coming out to my family and wife and did wrestle with telling my partner but we were in the process of moving in together and I was absolutely terrified of losing him. He was, and is my absolute world.

My ex-wife has remained out of my life for years but recently started saying she was going to tell my Partner that I was married.This is because I am due to marry my Partner in a few weeks time.

I was never able to have sex with my wife and the marriage was annulled when this came to light. So in a way we were never even married.

AIBU to think this is very spiteful for her to want to tell my Partner? Do you think he will be very hurt by this? Enough to call off the wedding? He is a man with great integrity and morals. He will be horrified to think he had slept with a man while that man was married to someone else.

In my circle of friends this scenario has happened to many of them so is not uncommon. If I didn't love him so much I would have told him years ago. But a future without him would be unbearable so there's too much to lose.

Excellent news! Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

I think if you're fearing for your life it can't count as 'stringing' anyone along. I didn't have much option and never wanted to marry anyway. Anyone who thinks I strung her along is extremely lacking in understanding/awareness.

Rubbish. All you have talked about is you and your happiness, you could not give a damn about your 'wife'. I do appreciate you went through a very, very difficult time, one that many of us could never imagine, but you have not one iota of sympathy for this woman you deceived for 7 years. If you did, then I would not be so angry but all your posts are about 'me, me, me.'

You had a terrible thing happen to you, so much hatred and having to cut off your family, but in turn you have done similar in how you treated this woman. Just think about how her family will view her now, how she will be the subject of gossip and scorn for the rest of her life while you have the life you want.

The ex wife is a victim of her parents/carers arranging a marriage with a stranger in another country, it's them she should be angry with, not the other victim (the op)

This.

Although I think the OP should apologise and somewhat make it up to her, because he did have more choices than her, they were both victims.

Great update to read! Well done and good luck to you both!

Great stuff, best of luck to you all :)

Wonderful update!

I'm not too sure of the timeline, but I suspect your ex-"wife" would have been aware for years that her marriage hadn't been "validated", so inevitably there would be an annulment. However, I don't want to belittle her complaint, because she also might have wanted to escape from the culture that repressed both of you. I don't know how it works in that particular culture - maybe something for a different thread? But could she have benefitted from a "marriage" that then allowed her to pursue her career, one that she wouldn't have been allowed if she were still "single"?

Anyway, congratulations. I hope you and your partner (and your two children) have a lovely wedding.

Congratulations have a lovely wedding

Thank you for updating OP. So glad things have been sorted - best of luck to you and your family. x

That's wonderful news! Well done. I guess your DP must be glad you've chosen to be honest with him, even though it did take you a while!

I do feel sorry for your 'ex-wife', although I can't blame you for the circumstances. I don't think any of us can really understand such a very different culture.

I'm not sure this is particularly relevant but I once read 'Not Without My Daughter' and it was deeply unnerving to think that there really can be such a deep sense of having no means of escape in a country which operates by such very different rules. I know that that story happened many many years ago and things may have changed somewhat, but still, it made me realise how little I really understand about other cultures.

Great update. All the best to you and your man and your son for the future

Best wishes for the future with your husband and children. I hope you have a long and happy life.

You are in no way to blame for the stituation with your "wife", you were both victims of your circumstances. I think it can be difficult for people to understand the real fear that you would have gone through, and you were indeed in fear for your life.

Good Luck

That's such a relief! I'm glad he's as great as you thought he was.

Being the nosey bunch we are...who told him & why? Seems an DD thng to do.

I feel for your 'ex-wife', but I think you only did what any of us would have done in your situation. It's all well & good moralising, but until they've been in your exact situation they don't know they wouldn't have done the same.

I'll keep an eye out for my invitation - can't wait!

Congrats! I've been following this from the start, but because I had no advice I didn't post. So happy.

Now you can plan your big day and the rest of your lives!

Totally nosy question here, I'll openly admit that. But why, if he's known all this time, didn't he bring it up? Even in a 'wtf haven't YOU bought it up' sorta way? Did he explain why?

P.S. This question is just stupid because I'm stupid. Is your 'ex-wife' in UK or Iran? I wanted to ask when you first posted but you needed advice, not pointless questions.

I think you're extremely fortunate that your DP is a far better person than you are.

Can someone tell me if ex wife is in Iran or not? If she is... Well OP certainly isn't showing any guilt about how miserable she must be whilst talking about how he'd never, ever go back. Iran isn't exactly a nice place for women as well as gay men, I'm sure he knows that.
If she is in the UK then I think other posters are making a mountain out of a molehill. She's here, she's safe, she can live her life any way she wants and marry for love. Win - Win

According to the OP the exwife still lives in "the country in which she was born" so is presumably in Iran.

Oh. Then I don't understand why more people aren't thinking WTF OP? Isn't anyone else really upset for this poor woman? He could have flow her out and then come out. Even so, doesn't it bother anyone at all that he left her in a hugely oppressive country, essentially 'tainted?' He talks about how he'd never ever go back to Iran. What about her?!

OP You ruined this woman's life but you don't even seem to care. A all. In fact your only mentions of her were in your first post, where you slated her for wanting to tell your DP that you'd been lying for years. Your other reference to her was only when others bought it up.

I understand now why she felt the need for a bit of revenge. You called her spiteful. I say damn straight! I'd be pretty bloody spiteful too if (in her culture) you humiliated her/brought shame upon her/tainted her, therefore possibly ruining her entire life and your ONLY concern is yourself. Why didn't you fly her out?? She knew. You could have freed her and instead you shit all over her.

Soo glad you're happy. Just remember, karma's a bitch.

And I want my virtual flowers back

I don't think op is in any way responsible for his ex "wife", as sad as her circumstances may be.

I think he is. I'm going to hide this thread now, I'm actually quite sickened by how little he cares about this poor woman. She could have told everyone, ruined his life. She didn't. But when she needed him, he was busy with his happy family....

but special, he was basically a little bit more than a child when he was forced into a relationship with this woman, against his wishes. he did not consent to this but was coerced.

so I truly don't understand why he is responsible for her, really?
DID you read that admitting homosexuality in his home country is punishable by DEATH?

and as for passive aggressive messages like Soo glad you're happy. Just remember, karma's a bitch

that's just plain fucking nasty. Yes he came out of this better. Someone had to! , but don't go putting nasty survivor guilt curses on him.

Glad everything turned out ok for u both have a great day and enjoy life together