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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my ex-wife doesn't need to tell my male partner I was previously married to a woman

233 replies

Qedwai · 02/08/2016 09:40

I've created a new account for this. Despite being British born I come from a very conservative family. I was always worried that revealing my sexuality would result in me being killed. This is no exaggeration. My family despise homosexuals. So I hid my sexuality from everyone. When I went to university at 18 I met my now partner. I am now 33 and we have been together for almost 16 years. We have two children through surrogacy (hence why I'm a member of mumsnet).

What he doesn't know is that I was previously married. At 19 I was bullied into an arranged marriage that I never wanted. I was scared and felt I had to go through with it. She was from a different country and I got married islamically (never legally) aged 19. My University course took a total of 7 years. 5 to qualify and three to be fully specialised. This allowed me an excuse to stay away from my wife as much as possible as I was not sexually attracted to her and was never able to have sex.

I was extremely torn as my Partner was putting pressure on me to come out and my wife was putting pressure on me to finalise the immigration process so that she could move to the UK to start a life with me. So at 25 I just came out to my family. They never spoke to me again.

I also explained the situation to my wife. She hated me too which I understand. The only thing I never did was tell my Partner any of this. I came out publicly after coming out to my family and wife and did wrestle with telling my partner but we were in the process of moving in together and I was absolutely terrified of losing him. He was, and is my absolute world.

My ex-wife has remained out of my life for years but recently started saying she was going to tell my Partner that I was married.This is because I am due to marry my Partner in a few weeks time.

I was never able to have sex with my wife and the marriage was annulled when this came to light. So in a way we were never even married.

AIBU to think this is very spiteful for her to want to tell my Partner? Do you think he will be very hurt by this? Enough to call off the wedding? He is a man with great integrity and morals. He will be horrified to think he had slept with a man while that man was married to someone else.

In my circle of friends this scenario has happened to many of them so is not uncommon. If I didn't love him so much I would have told him years ago. But a future without him would be unbearable so there's too much to lose.

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 04/08/2016 06:36

If the ex-wife doesn't believe the marriage is annulled she would be quite right in contacting the new partner.

Isetan · 04/08/2016 07:45

This is actually one of the most heartbreaking things I've read on MN, and I've been here a looong time!.

You must be new because this is so far from the most heartbreaking things to be written on MN.

The past was not buried when the OP went NC with his family, there was a woman out there who got caught up in his family drama and hash was/ has been treated with contempt and disdain by the OP.

As much as I sympathise with the OP's struggles, they don't exempt him from treating people with respect and in the case of this woman and his current partner, he's fallen short.

FoggyBottom · 04/08/2016 09:46

Well said Isetan I feel so sorry for his ex-wife - she's had her life ruined.

Original poster

Qedwai · 04/08/2016 12:42

Thank you for the amazing support shown on this thread. Obviously not everyone has been supportive but the vast majority have and that means so much.

I have now told my Fiance and he had already been told about the 'wedding' a few weeks after it was annulled (and yes, it was definitely annuled/has no legal basis). It is officially considered that there was no valid marriage in the first place as my inability to consummate my marriage was due to 'fraud' on my part by witholding my sexuality and also on the grounds that I was forced into the wedding. I would really hope no one in the UK would ever consider a marriage undertaken in the circumstances describe in my thread would be in any way a valid marriage needing to be divorced. I just really hope not.

I feel so much better now. My worry was always that he would leave me as I honestly couldn't live without him or my Son that is biologically his. I never felt bad about the wedding itself. As I had no choice but to marry and remain silent until I knew it would be safe to come out. The only thing I've done wrong is not tell my Partner as soon as I came out but I did have my reasons.

I cannot wait to get Married now. We've waited a long time for Gay Marriage to become legal, and it's finally happening. This time it will be a genuine and valid marriage. Something I once thought I could never have.

OP posts:

BeyondBeyondBeyondBeyondBeyond · 04/08/2016 12:49

Aww I like a good outcome. I hope your wedding goes well, qed :)

OliviaStabler · 04/08/2016 12:50

The only thing I've done wrong is not tell my Partner

You forgot stringing your 'wife' along for 7 years and not giving a damn of the impact of your actions on her and her life.

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 04/08/2016 12:52

I'm really glad (though, based on what you said, not at all surprised) that your DP responded like this.

I hope you have a lovely wedding.

Not sure what you could/should say to your ex wife, but I hope now, the fact you can tell her your DP knows, might make for a more open conversation.

Lweji · 04/08/2016 12:52

Ahhhh
So pleased for you. Both, actually.

Best wishes for the wedding and the marriage.

Lweji · 04/08/2016 12:55

In relation to your former wife, I'd apologise profusely, if you haven't yet. And try to make it up to her in the best way I could.

logosthecat · 04/08/2016 12:57

I am SO HAPPY for you and your partner. He sounds like a keeper.

Have an amazing wedding, and enjoy the rest of your married life together.

Original poster

Qedwai · 04/08/2016 13:02

I think if you're fearing for your life it can't count as 'stringing' anyone along. I didn't have much option and never wanted to marry anyway. Anyone who thinks I strung her along is extremely lacking in understanding/awareness.

Thank you for the congratulations. My message makes it sound like telling him was a walk in the park, it wasn't. It was difficult and he did have a lot of questions but essentially he really doesn't care and completely understands.

Just to add, I'm not from a Pakistani background. My family are Iranian, where Homosexual activity is illegal and punishable by death. Most of my family probably think I should be killed. It took me years before I realised that although they think I should be killed, they wouldn't actually kill me while in this country. I would never ever go to Iran.

Thank you again for your support.

OP posts:

amusedbush · 04/08/2016 13:03

Fantastic, what a lovely outcome! Your partner sounds wonderful and I wish you and your family every happiness.

Original poster

Qedwai · 04/08/2016 13:03

Thank you, he's definitely a keeper. ;-)

OP posts:

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 04/08/2016 13:30

ah bless you. pleased ! now go get married!!!

Finola1step · 04/08/2016 13:35

Ah Qedwai that's made my day. So did he already know something?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/08/2016 14:34

Yes, Finola - the OP said his partner was told a few weeks after his forced marriage was annulled, so he's known all this time.

Qedwai - so glad you've told him and brought it all out into the open - now you can have your wedding with a light heart and conscience.

I think perhaps you should have tried to get the marriage annulled earlier, rather than leaving your "wife" in the expectation that you would bring her to the UK; but she's been free for some time now, so you can hardly be blamed for her not finding another husband and moving on with her own life. Perhaps she doesn't want to be married, who knows!

Anyway - very pleased at your outcome and I wish you and your family well

TanteJeanne · 04/08/2016 15:00

It would be foolish to marry whilst keeping this secret. One, because secrets breed distrust. Two, because it's not a bad secret at all. I'd be very surprised if your DP didn't understand. But they might not understand keeping big secrets.

Lweji · 04/08/2016 15:13

I do wonder how your partner would react.

And did you cancel the cheque or had he already cashed it?

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/08/2016 16:57

Glad you told your partner - tho how did he already know? Who told him

I would also apologise to your ex wife for stringing her alone all those years and wish her a happy life

99GBPChargeToUseMyPostsJournos · 04/08/2016 17:40

Aww brilliant! I'm so glad you told him because you can marry knowing that he has chosen you despite your 'secret'.

I think people on here are really harsh. I bet if a woman was in a forced marriage that she didn't want to be in they would be much more sympathetic.

Wishing you all the best for your wedding and your life together.

humblesims · 04/08/2016 17:42

Well done OP. Glad you dont have this hanging over you anymore and that your partner was understanding. Congratulations.

LynetteScavo · 04/08/2016 18:36

Janecc · 04/08/2016 19:02

Good - that was predictable. Glad it's all worked our.

If she married you in good faith and believing the marriage to be genuine and would be consummated, you strung her along. The original action of marrying her alone deserves a massive apology regardless of what you told her once married - or 2 years down the line as one of your posts stated. You're from Iran. The country with modesty police - it's not known for aiding strong, independent women.

limitedperiodonly · 04/08/2016 19:09

Good - that was predictable. Glad it's all worked our.

^^ In the absence of a like button.

Way to go OP. Vindictive cow of a wife. She could use this as a positive experience to getting on with her life in her own country. You should congratulate yourself. etc

Dontyoulovecalpol · 04/08/2016 19:25

Thanks for updating OP. So pleased for you

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