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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my ex-wife doesn't need to tell my male partner I was previously married to a woman

233 replies

Qedwai · 02/08/2016 09:40

I've created a new account for this. Despite being British born I come from a very conservative family. I was always worried that revealing my sexuality would result in me being killed. This is no exaggeration. My family despise homosexuals. So I hid my sexuality from everyone. When I went to university at 18 I met my now partner. I am now 33 and we have been together for almost 16 years. We have two children through surrogacy (hence why I'm a member of mumsnet).

What he doesn't know is that I was previously married. At 19 I was bullied into an arranged marriage that I never wanted. I was scared and felt I had to go through with it. She was from a different country and I got married islamically (never legally) aged 19. My University course took a total of 7 years. 5 to qualify and three to be fully specialised. This allowed me an excuse to stay away from my wife as much as possible as I was not sexually attracted to her and was never able to have sex.

I was extremely torn as my Partner was putting pressure on me to come out and my wife was putting pressure on me to finalise the immigration process so that she could move to the UK to start a life with me. So at 25 I just came out to my family. They never spoke to me again.

I also explained the situation to my wife. She hated me too which I understand. The only thing I never did was tell my Partner any of this. I came out publicly after coming out to my family and wife and did wrestle with telling my partner but we were in the process of moving in together and I was absolutely terrified of losing him. He was, and is my absolute world.

My ex-wife has remained out of my life for years but recently started saying she was going to tell my Partner that I was married.This is because I am due to marry my Partner in a few weeks time.

I was never able to have sex with my wife and the marriage was annulled when this came to light. So in a way we were never even married.

AIBU to think this is very spiteful for her to want to tell my Partner? Do you think he will be very hurt by this? Enough to call off the wedding? He is a man with great integrity and morals. He will be horrified to think he had slept with a man while that man was married to someone else.

In my circle of friends this scenario has happened to many of them so is not uncommon. If I didn't love him so much I would have told him years ago. But a future without him would be unbearable so there's too much to lose.

OP posts:
LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 02/08/2016 10:13

You were brave enough to come out to a family that then disowned you; you can do this! I understand your fear and uncertainty, but if they are liberal anyway, surely they will accept it (and may suspect anyway)? It looks as though you're wife will pass on the info anyway - better to be honest, surely?

Finola1step · 02/08/2016 10:13

I think you should tell him. This will not just go away. If you can't tell him face to face, write everything down in a letter. Tell him about the immense pressure you were under. The fear from your family.

But be careful with the word "married". From what you have told us, you were not married in the sense that many in the UK understand marriage to mean. You had a religious ceremony to appease your family. Not by choice, not even arranged. By force, through fear. You didn't consummate the marriage, it was never recognised in law. There was no civil marriage. No certificate. Hence the annulment which I assume to be an annulment through the Mosque?

Tell him but make sure he understands why you did what you did. Yes, you should have to told him many years ago. Yes, you shouldn't have kept the woman dangling for that length of time.

I would have thought that your partner will be concerned more about the cover up of the "marriage" rather than the event itself. So before you tell him, you need to be completely honest with yourself about why you left it so long.

Good luck.

WannaBe · 02/08/2016 10:14

WallToWallBastards but as far as the ex wife knows, of course he did. He was in a relationship with another man. He had no intentions of having children with her, of having a marriage with her, of sorting out a way for them to be together. He was living his life here in the UK while she waited for him in her home country, in the belief that her husband was gaining a life for them both.

And meanwhile he was building a life with someone else, even having children with them. That's pretty despicable behaviour actually. Especially given he then just came out in the end. What changed then? Did the partner start issuing ultimatums about not wanting to be considered his secret any more? After all, if the OP lived in fear for his life then he must have had to be pretty cautious to risk being seen with his male partner and having children together etc?

Rubies12345 · 02/08/2016 10:14

Did you and your wife ever live together? Did you ever finalise the immigration process.

SheHasAWildHeart · 02/08/2016 10:15

Tell your DP.
When you tell DP, tell him because you know it's the right thing to do and not because you feel like you have to before exW does.
Break contact with exW so she can move on with her life like you have.

MorrisZapp · 02/08/2016 10:19

Is your DP also a mumsnetter?

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 02/08/2016 10:20

He was 19, though, wannabe. And 25 at the end.

I don't think what he did was awful - it's awful that his family put this pressure on him, and that he and an innocent woman were put in a position that was so hurtful to both of them.

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 02/08/2016 10:20

He was 19, though, wannabe. And 25 at the end.

I don't think what he did was awful - it's awful that his family put this pressure on him, and that he and an innocent woman were put in a position that was so hurtful to both of them.

YelloDraw · 02/08/2016 10:22

I think you should tell your partner, secrets have a habit of eating you up.

Just tell him, like you put on here. You haven't really done anything wrong, other than not tel him.

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/08/2016 10:22

Does she have any proof the religious ceremony took place?

I would be inclined to flat out deny it.

Mycraneisfixed · 02/08/2016 10:23

Agree with pp. Tell him but don't use the word 'married'. You were never legally married to that woman. Your partner will believe you however liberal his family are, and I'm sure he will understand your not wanting to talk about it when you first met, and why you are telling him now (spiteful woman wanting to cause trouble). Good luckFlowers

ABloodyDifficultWoman · 02/08/2016 10:24

I don't understand why you created a new account for this? Confused If your partner is a MN'er then he's bound to recognise this highly unusual and individual story anyway isn't he? Odd.

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 02/08/2016 10:24

I think denying it ever happened would be both a can of worms (mightn't she get other family members involved? And, if she is in touch with the OP, might this not be quite risky for him and his children - horrible thought as that is), and also immoral.

BestZebbie · 02/08/2016 10:25

You need to tell your partner before you marry him - it isn't fair to keep a big thing that like that secret from him if you are signing up to be a team for life! Don't wait until after you wed to spring it on him either, as he won't be thrilled to find that a) you thought he might dump you over it and b) with that in mind, you decided to entrap him into marriage before telling him - that would not be the best way to start married life.

It is unfortunate that your ex isn't staying out of your life at the moment, but she is allowed to tell anybody she wants about things that have happened to her in her life, provided she is factual about it, and she does have reason to feel wronged by the whole situation. She may find it an additional insult that having put her through all that, you are now trying to pretend that she never existed.

toptoe · 02/08/2016 10:26

What happened to you and your ex wife is not your or her fault. She seems to be acting out of emotion, so perhaps she suffered socially as a result of this too, although not likely to have been cast out like you were.

I would think this is something you need to discuss for a couple of reasons. She is likely to tell you partner. Also, even if she doesn't, it will hang over your head for the rest of your life together and she could (if she was particularly inclined) hold it over you. In addition, whilst he's from a different cultural background he won't be ignorant to the culture of arranged marriage. I would think that if he is honest and fair, then he will understand this and also why you never told him. You were very young, under extreme pressure and in fear of your life. If he doesn't get that then you deserve better.

All in all, the truth will probably out and so it is far better you control what truth comes out and how.

EveOnline2016 · 02/08/2016 10:26

I'm with your ex wife. Your current partner should have been told a very long time ago. Before you even decided on children.

RichardBucket · 02/08/2016 10:27

Definitely don't deny it! Unless your husband is a gullible fool it won't work anyway.

You have to come clean. It's very likely he will forgive you, especially knowing your family disowned you.

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/08/2016 10:27

Given the op states his family are no longer in contact with him, it would be quite easy to deny it.

I wouldn't much care about "morals" if my relationship if 16 years was potentially at risk due to decisions I was forced to take when very young by my bullying family.

SheHasAWildHeart · 02/08/2016 10:27

Does she have any proof the religious ceremony took place?
I would be inclined to flat out deny it.
Yes, she would have an Islamic marriage certificate.
Why should he continue to lie to his DP?!?

SheHasAWildHeart · 02/08/2016 10:28

I think denying it ever happened would be both a can of worms
Especially if she has photos of the wedding day, which I believe she will have.

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/08/2016 10:29

I think the odds on his dp seeing it as a deal breaker are pretty high. That's why.

Careforadrink · 02/08/2016 10:30

I feel sorry for your ex wife. She is the victim in this more than you are. I can only imagine the shame she has had to go through in her culture due to your actions.

Nevermind waiting in another country for years expecting a life and future over here. What a waste of years of her child bearing years. I don't blame her for appearing bitter.

You must come clean.

Janecc · 02/08/2016 10:32

I can see why she would be angry. She came out of the process almost a decade older when she expected to be successfully married and likely a mother. Then she and her family had to start from scratch to find another husband. Society can be cruel and even though the marriage was annulled, she may be seen to shoulder some of the blame for the failure of the marriage.

It's a very sad situation for both you and her. I do think it is very wrong of her to attempt contact with your partner as two wrongs don't make a right. Getting upset with her and berating her will solve nothing.

I think you should tell your fiancée. I'm white British. I'm mid 40's. What you've told me isn't shocking. It's nice that you've found happiness and if he truly loves you, you will be able to tell him anything. Your past is your last. Own it with pride.

I hope your ex has found happiness too. If you haven't done so, please write to her, apologise and wish her well. Whatever she may say about you, she deserves only kindness and respect from you. Much as you felt trapped, your actions were so very cruel to her.

ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout · 02/08/2016 10:32

I'm from a 'liberal, white British family' so can't truly understand what you've been through either, but, like your partner, I can imagine and empathise about what you've been through. You've basically been abused by your family to force you to be something you're not and, at that time, you hadn't the power or strength to stand up to them.

He knows you, he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Why wouldn't he empathise? He'll be disappointed you haven't already told him, but, surely he won't deny his love for you, yours for him, and the family you have built together?

I think this is too big a secret not to share. Don't let it come out in a way that you can't take control. Tell him. Tell him why you've been scared to share this, remember yourself that this wasn't actually a marriage, in law or in your heart. You weren't unfaithful to him, you were coerced.

Good luck

2kids2dogsnosense · 02/08/2016 10:33

Tell your partner - if he loves you (and it seems that he does, or you would not be formalising your relationship) he will be able to cope with it, especially as he knows that situation between you and your family.

As for your ex-wife - I don't think it is kind of her to tell him, but she must feel terribly hurt and rejected, and who knows - perhaps in these circumstances, being older and within a strict Muslim culture, it will be difficult for her to find another husband - her chances of a family life may have disappeared along with you. (This is guesswork on my part - I really don't know)

Spare a thought for her, too. You at least have your partner and children. She is alone, and possibly an object of pity and contempt.