To think my ex-wife doesn't need to tell my male partner I was previously married to a woman

[Qedwai]

I've created a new account for this. Despite being British born I come from a very conservative family. I was always worried that revealing my sexuality would result in me being killed. This is no exaggeration. My family despise homosexuals. So I hid my sexuality from everyone. When I went to university at 18 I met my now partner. I am now 33 and we have been together for almost 16 years. We have two children through surrogacy (hence why I'm a member of mumsnet).

What he doesn't know is that I was previously married. At 19 I was bullied into an arranged marriage that I never wanted. I was scared and felt I had to go through with it. She was from a different country and I got married islamically (never legally) aged 19. My University course took a total of 7 years. 5 to qualify and three to be fully specialised. This allowed me an excuse to stay away from my wife as much as possible as I was not sexually attracted to her and was never able to have sex.

I was extremely torn as my Partner was putting pressure on me to come out and my wife was putting pressure on me to finalise the immigration process so that she could move to the UK to start a life with me. So at 25 I just came out to my family. They never spoke to me again.

I also explained the situation to my wife. She hated me too which I understand. The only thing I never did was tell my Partner any of this. I came out publicly after coming out to my family and wife and did wrestle with telling my partner but we were in the process of moving in together and I was absolutely terrified of losing him. He was, and is my absolute world.

My ex-wife has remained out of my life for years but recently started saying she was going to tell my Partner that I was married.This is because I am due to marry my Partner in a few weeks time.

I was never able to have sex with my wife and the marriage was annulled when this came to light. So in a way we were never even married.

AIBU to think this is very spiteful for her to want to tell my Partner? Do you think he will be very hurt by this? Enough to call off the wedding? He is a man with great integrity and morals. He will be horrified to think he had slept with a man while that man was married to someone else.

In my circle of friends this scenario has happened to many of them so is not uncommon. If I didn't love him so much I would have told him years ago. But a future without him would be unbearable so there's too much to lose.

Robins if you really can't see the sexuality is not important in the sense that it's the betrayal and the secrets that are the issue I'm not sure how to explain it to you. When someone is unfaithful it isn't so much the physical act that is the ultimate betrayal so much as the lies and deceit that do the damage (which is why the fact the marriage was never consummated is relatively unimportant) . Marriage is built on trust first and foremost.

There are days when I think my Partner actually knows already. But then I shrug it off as I'm almost certain he would have wanted to ask me about it if he had been told by someone.

We do trust and love each other very much.

I don't actually think he would leave me forever. I worry he will and there's that tiny chance he will but I think he will understand. Maybe not fully as he does not come from the same culture but as much as he can.

I just don't know how long it would take him to deal with everything and then if he does leave me forever I honestly don't think I could live like that.

this thread is so weird, its like OP being a man immediately loses a few cards? cannot fathom how he has been misogynistic other that rejecting forces marriage because he was gay!

OP you chose the wrong place to to post, sorry

What makes you think he knows already?

Could he have a hunch rather than someone having told him?

Where does It say the wife actually moved to the uk? It say's she wanted to and to consummate the marriage but he came out to his family and her before this happened

OP, you need to tell him. You should have done so before now, definitely before children, but I can understand how the 'right moment' never came.

Being gay or a man has no bearing on anything here. The fact is he was in a relationship with someone and during the course of that relationship he was married to someone else. And his relationship at the time was not strong enough to bear the reality of this fact. He didn't trust his partner sufficiently to tell him that he would have to marry someone else, and he has retained contact with the woman he married in order to annul the marriage, and sufficiently enough that she has now threatened to tell his partner about her.

The lies, the deception, the omission of anything to his partner is the issue here, and it would be the same whether it was man or woman, gay or straight. The only reason why sexuality is an issue is because the OP didn't feel he could come out at the time.

So OP, did you aid this woman's immigration into the country on the basis she was your wife? Why are you still in contact with her? Is she in fact family? It's not unusual for cousins to be married in certain cultures.

You have to tell him. You are still in touch with some of your family and you getting married to your partner rather than just living with him may change their attitude to keeping silent themselves......or they may let slip to another family member. A public declaration of your marriage could be construed as bringing public shame to the family .....and it's not just yours and your partners safety that could be compromised but your children's too. Realistically if you are estranged you have no idea if any family member or new in law could have become further radicalised in the years since . Even if it's just expressed as rocking up at the wedding and giving you a piece of their mind it's not worth the risk.

trafalgar, I don't think that is true of everyone. For many people, sexuality would be an important issue.

It's also obvious to anyone, surely, that sexuality was an added complication for the OP. I don't see how you can discount that, just because you personally would not feel it mattered.

fluffychicken So if someone gets married and comes to the UK, as soon their marriage is over they should return to their home country?

logosthecat says everything I want to, but more eloquently.

WannaBe I think you're going beyond what OP asked.

wanna, it does have a bearing.

If you are married to someone, the normal assumption is that you are having, or you plan to have, a sexual and romantic relationship. Many people who have arranged marriages obviously do, and clearly that will be what the wife expected to happen.

It is surely different if the OP was unable to have any kind of romantic or sexual interaction because of his sexuality. If his partner believes that to be true, and believes he's exclusively homosexual, then it is pretty obvious that the OP won't have got married and concealed it in order to conceal a romantic/sexual relationship.

I think that your impending marriage is the perfect opportunity to tell your DP everything. Otherwise, you'll have to live with the fear of the truth coming out for the rest of your life. Whether it be she who spills, or a member of your family or anyone else that knows the truth. You can't guarantee to keep this secret.

I'd be furious if I were your DP. I'd seriously consider leaving you. This was a huge secret to keep, as well as being a selfish way to treat another human being (your ex-wife).

Out of interest, what is your ex-wife's situation now? Is she in the uk? Married? Children?

I sympathise that you were in such a difficult and frightening position. But I do think you have behaved unforgivably dishonestly with 2 people who didn't deserve it.

I have a few reasons I think he may know but part of me thinks I'm just looking too hard for signs and blowing things out of proportion.

When we attended a wedding of a Muslim friend a few years ago he asked me if I minded going or would it bring back bad memories for me. I presumed he'd meant just generally because of my Muslim past but he looked me right in the eye and when I said no it's fine his face changed. He went completely still and then just gave me a hug and it was just a very strange interaction.

For a month a few years ago he seemed very very pre-occupied and as if he wanted to say something but never did. I kept asking him if he was okay and he just said yeah I'm fine and you know you can tell me anything don't you. I just replied with yes.

When we got engaged he said 'This time things will be different for you. I was like, what do you mean this time. He said nothing.

On the rare occasion a program about forced marriage comes on he looks directly at me and says nothing and then turns the programme over. Sometimes giving me a hug.

But I have no idea what he knows. It may be because he knows I was Muslim.

Generally we are really happy.

I can see I'm going to have to tell him. Thank you for the advice and replies.

To me, that sounds as if, if he doesn't know for sure, he has a good idea that it may have been something you were under pressure to do.

He sounds very kind, OP, seriously, I think you should tell him. He must know how scared you were and how difficult it was for you.

Cross post.

Good luck.

Good luck OP. Wish you all the best

I think some posters here are being very harsh. Yes, this woman was a victim. But the villain of the piece was the system that set her up, not the other vulnerable teenager who was bullied into this marriage while afraid for his life.

OP- tell your partner. I think he will be hurt but will be more understanding than you fear. Good luck.

Good luck Op. From what you've said he may know something about your previous 'marriage'.

So what is your ex-wife's situation now, Qed?

I think you need to come clean to your partner. I am sure he will understand.
For those saying his ex wife is being spiteful, her life has probably been ruined by this. She will be unlikely to find another Husband and will be looked down on because her first Husband left her for a man. So her anger is I think understandable.

My partner is from a liberal, White British family who are all completely supportive of both of us. So he wouldn't understand what I've been through.

I'm straight, white and from a very liberal family and whilst I can't understand what you have been through, i completely empathise with your situation and I personally find it all very sad.

I think your very loving partner will do too.

What happened to the woman in all of this is awful, I think you know that, but you can't change it have you asked her to forgive you? Maybe she just needs an acknowledgment of what happened, only you can decide that. I think she is hurt, lashing out and if your family is as extreme as you describe then hers likely are too and I feel for her as well in all of this.

But this is about you as your the one asking for help and in my view at 19 regardless of the fact you are an adult it is still so young and the pressure from any family can be so difficult. I have had friends who have been shunned by the families because of their sexuality or falling in love with the "wrong" person and it's heartbreaking and devastating for them, they were so scared of what they would loose and had conflicting views as to whether what they were doing was morally wrong (one nearly went through with a marriage but was older had put it off for years) they never had the extremes you describe in that they didn't believe there families would ever physically harm or even kill them.

You have been a victim in this as well as the woman, it's time to tell your partner (I think he knows already) so that you can make peace with it and move on with your life, you have a loving partner and a lovely family don't let this eat you up anymore. What he may not have understood at 19, he may well understand (I'm guessing) late 20's/early 30's

Good luck with telling your partner. Don't forget he know how hard for to come out . And what you had to give up to out gay man . I think you have been very brave . Your partner knows so hopefully he would understand.

Good luck OP. I think telling him is the right thing to do, but I know you are risking so much. Wishing you and him strength to get through this.

Be brave. You love him and he deserves full honesty before you marry. If you explain things as you have here I am sure he will understand that you were young and coerced. You cant let this hang over your head. The freedom you will feel once there is no secret will be a huge releif to you. Good Luck!