To think my ex-wife doesn't need to tell my male partner I was previously married to a woman

[Qedwai]

I've created a new account for this. Despite being British born I come from a very conservative family. I was always worried that revealing my sexuality would result in me being killed. This is no exaggeration. My family despise homosexuals. So I hid my sexuality from everyone. When I went to university at 18 I met my now partner. I am now 33 and we have been together for almost 16 years. We have two children through surrogacy (hence why I'm a member of mumsnet).

What he doesn't know is that I was previously married. At 19 I was bullied into an arranged marriage that I never wanted. I was scared and felt I had to go through with it. She was from a different country and I got married islamically (never legally) aged 19. My University course took a total of 7 years. 5 to qualify and three to be fully specialised. This allowed me an excuse to stay away from my wife as much as possible as I was not sexually attracted to her and was never able to have sex.

I was extremely torn as my Partner was putting pressure on me to come out and my wife was putting pressure on me to finalise the immigration process so that she could move to the UK to start a life with me. So at 25 I just came out to my family. They never spoke to me again.

I also explained the situation to my wife. She hated me too which I understand. The only thing I never did was tell my Partner any of this. I came out publicly after coming out to my family and wife and did wrestle with telling my partner but we were in the process of moving in together and I was absolutely terrified of losing him. He was, and is my absolute world.

My ex-wife has remained out of my life for years but recently started saying she was going to tell my Partner that I was married.This is because I am due to marry my Partner in a few weeks time.

I was never able to have sex with my wife and the marriage was annulled when this came to light. So in a way we were never even married.

AIBU to think this is very spiteful for her to want to tell my Partner? Do you think he will be very hurt by this? Enough to call off the wedding? He is a man with great integrity and morals. He will be horrified to think he had slept with a man while that man was married to someone else.

In my circle of friends this scenario has happened to many of them so is not uncommon. If I didn't love him so much I would have told him years ago. But a future without him would be unbearable so there's too much to lose.

Well if she's entirely unknown to your partner and is just threatening to email him out of the blue I don't think I'd be in a hurry to tell him.

(Unknown and thousands of miles away!)

Well she has no ability to tell him in person. But she knows mine and his facebook accounts. That's how she initially contacted me. She also got his phone number from his facebook a while ago.

I have now deleted my facebook but he loves his!! He would never delete it.

She also has some contact with some of my estranged family.

I'm not terrified about her telling him. I know he wouldn't immediately believe what she said and would always want my side of any story before making any conclusions. I'm scared of having to say anything at all.

You poor thing. What a stress

Regardless of her saying or not, or him believing her or not, I do think you should tell him.

It's clearly something that is part of you and in a way it seems to stand between you two. Just let it out.

Oh dear. I think you need to tell him asap too. It's a huge thing to keep from someone & if this is all you've got hidden you will feel better.

Do you think she had already told him? If your perception of his reactions are accurate it sounds like he does already know. However you could be paranoid.

You went through with something out of fear for your life, and the life of your partner.

Yes you lied to him, and you shouldn't have, but the circumstances were horrible, and very traumatic.

But you should tell him now, before you're married, because that's only fair.

Much love to you and your husband-to-be.

He's had a religious ceremony and had it annauled by the same religious process. He's said clearly it's not a legal marriage.

OP But you actually were married - otherwise there would be no need to annul it. At the time that you need to give your notice of intent to marry your current partner you will both be asked about any previous forms of marriage. You can convince yourself that you were not legally married but you were definitely religiously married and that is more important than the 'legal' process for a great number of people - especially in Islamic countries and in this one. I really do think you know that you need to tell him - try to reverse the situation, what advice would you give him?

I don't know why you're so desperate to convince him he was legally married needmorespace a quick Google shows an Islamic religious marriage has no legal standing without a civil ceremony.

And let's face it, being asked whether he's ever been married before isn't really his problem is it? If he tells his partner he can say yes I had an Islamic ceremony but no legal Marriage and if he doesn't tell his partner he can say no
I haven't. It's hardly the important thing in the whole mess!

Well this is a fine mess

You've known your partner for 15 years.
You're planning to marry your partner.
You've never told your partner you had an arranged Islamic marriage that was later annulled.

You need to tell your partner about this asap, definitely before your marriage. You need to be prepared for them to be upset, very upset, about the fact that you've concealed this from them. It's not about the marriage but about the lack of trust & openness in your relationship. It's about actively deceiving your partner. In their shoes I would be seriously reconsidering the entire relationship.

I'd suggest that you know this, deep down, and in posting here looking for support for your POV you are trying to avoid having what will be a difficult relationship - don't, the longer you leave it the harder it will be.

Good luck

Echoing others here.
You need to tell your partner.
You should apologise to your ex if you haven't already done so.
You need to take courage that if your partner is as wonderful as you think he is, he will not break up with you because of this. He may initially be shocked and upset but if he is a kind and emotionally mature man, he will be sympathetic.

Good luck

I wonder if there's connection between the fact that you had to lie to your family and ex-wife before and the fact that you are lying to your DP now. Maybe the fact that you had such bad reactions from them makes you (irrationally) fear a similar reaction from him?

I’d put the focus where it truly belongs. Not “I think you should know that I was previously married to a woman…” but: “My parents/family forced me into a religious ceremony with a woman, which I had religiously annulled as soon as I could on the grounds of non-consummation.”

Your partner sounds a really lovely person who might already have a clue, and probably is aware of the difference between arranged marriages and forced marriages.

Don’t mention the threat from your ex-“wife”. If she does follow through with her threat, your partner will just have greater clarity of the awfulness of forced marriages.

don'tyoulovecalpol
I'm keen for the op to understand if it was a legal ceremony because it actually is important. I'm not sure what the basis of your google was but, yes you are right, an islamic ceremony in this country is not legally recognised - it is only the civil ceremony that will be (which can be held as part of the religious ceremony if the legal preliminaries are carried out). But the ceremony didn't take place in this country and that means that it might well be legally recognised - depending on the law of the country it took place in. So much so that the op even indicated that his wife was intending to come to this country as a spouse on the basis of that marriage.
And there had to be an annulment.

You might think there is no problem, but it would be perjury for the op not to declare any previous form of marriage at the notice appointment. It is not as simple as saying he can just say no if he hasn't told his partner. Alongside, it would actually meaning lying to his partner rather than, up to now, omitting to tell him.
Anyway, without knowing more information it is not possible to know the status of the previous marriage. In my work, I have encountered many people who say they have been married religiously 'but it wasn't legal' when it turns out it was.

I was thinking the exact same needmorespace

Respect the father of your children and the man you plan to marry by telling him the truth, it's often the cover up and not the lie that's the undoing.

Who you were at 19 isn't who you are now but as far as you've come, there's still enough of that scared 19 year old that's still controlling you. The rationalising of your past behaviour doesn't excuse it and part of being an adult is accepting our mistakes and trying not to repeat them. Unfortunately, the 'we weren't really married' excuse from the past comes from the same place as the 'he wouldn't understand' excuse of the present. Let go of the fear.

The only power this woman has over you is the power you've surrendered to her by not apologising for your role in your deception of her and your dishonesty to your current partner.

She also got his phone number from his facebook a while ago.

Besides everything else, you should ask him to review his FB settings and not have everything so open. I'm assuming she wasn't his friend on Facebook - so ideally, she shouldn't have had access to his phone number or similar info. They should be set to visible to friends only.

Good luck with the rest of it.

Your whole relationship with your fiancé is based on lies and deception. You need to tell him the whole truth. How would you feel if you discovered he'd been lying to you about something so important!?

Are you sure you are not legally married still? My white British friend had a ceremony in Pakistan with a local man. She thought it was an engagement ceremony but when she investigated it was legally valid wedding ceremony which was recognised in the UK. Please check this out before you marry your current DP.

Another one wondering whether you were legally married in another jurisdiction OP. It might have been annulled but maybe you have to declare it in order to enter into a new marriage contract in the UK. Have you checked this out?

You seem to be rather incurious about this detail, OP. As an educated professional - I assume from the details you've given about the duration of you training that you are a doctor - I find this disturbing, though not unbelievable. The brightest of us can bury our heads in the sand.

I don't think the OP stated in which country the marriage took place. In the UK, an Islamic wedding without the civil registry bit will not be a valid marriage in UK law. I have no ideas about other countries.

But the OP does seem quite clear the marriage was annulled. I don't think he is sticking his head in the sand.

I do hope you find the courage to share this with your partner, Qedwai. I'm confident you won't lose him, as you fear...I think he already knows. You have children together, and are about to get married - this isn't massive enough to make him run to the hills.

This is actually one of the most heartbreaking things I've read on MN, and I've been here a looong time!.

Op,

Your marriage has not automatically been annulled because of non consummation, unless you have issued her a divorce or she has sought out a divorce (khul) from you on the grounds of non consummation.

I am guessing she is South Asian and therefore wondering why she hasnt re-married , if your marriage was declared over after 2 years? There is no such thing as automatic annulment, it has to be sought out if both parties are known to be alive and well.

Does all your family in Pakistan know About your sexuality or is it still a secret there? She may have also kept that quiet due to so many social reasons.

You said she had options, but she didn't take them, for whatever reason. Maybe you were reason? She waited for you, she expected to come here, so she's put her options on hold?
You've behaved very selfishly.