To think my ex-wife doesn't need to tell my male partner I was previously married to a woman

[Qedwai]

I've created a new account for this. Despite being British born I come from a very conservative family. I was always worried that revealing my sexuality would result in me being killed. This is no exaggeration. My family despise homosexuals. So I hid my sexuality from everyone. When I went to university at 18 I met my now partner. I am now 33 and we have been together for almost 16 years. We have two children through surrogacy (hence why I'm a member of mumsnet).

What he doesn't know is that I was previously married. At 19 I was bullied into an arranged marriage that I never wanted. I was scared and felt I had to go through with it. She was from a different country and I got married islamically (never legally) aged 19. My University course took a total of 7 years. 5 to qualify and three to be fully specialised. This allowed me an excuse to stay away from my wife as much as possible as I was not sexually attracted to her and was never able to have sex.

I was extremely torn as my Partner was putting pressure on me to come out and my wife was putting pressure on me to finalise the immigration process so that she could move to the UK to start a life with me. So at 25 I just came out to my family. They never spoke to me again.

I also explained the situation to my wife. She hated me too which I understand. The only thing I never did was tell my Partner any of this. I came out publicly after coming out to my family and wife and did wrestle with telling my partner but we were in the process of moving in together and I was absolutely terrified of losing him. He was, and is my absolute world.

My ex-wife has remained out of my life for years but recently started saying she was going to tell my Partner that I was married.This is because I am due to marry my Partner in a few weeks time.

I was never able to have sex with my wife and the marriage was annulled when this came to light. So in a way we were never even married.

AIBU to think this is very spiteful for her to want to tell my Partner? Do you think he will be very hurt by this? Enough to call off the wedding? He is a man with great integrity and morals. He will be horrified to think he had slept with a man while that man was married to someone else.

In my circle of friends this scenario has happened to many of them so is not uncommon. If I didn't love him so much I would have told him years ago. But a future without him would be unbearable so there's too much to lose.

From what you have said it sounds like he has a suspicion of what has happened to you - I would tell him and get it all out in the open, I think you'll feel better for it. I do think though that you should feel sympathy for your ex wife, rather than calling her spiteful - she is a victim here just as much as you.

My DH is from a very religious family so I can understand the sort of pressure that you felt as a young man but you now need to face up to your past in order to be able to move forwards. It was a huge mistake not to be honest with your DP and you have to tell him before the wedding.

I think a lot of posters are being unfair on your OP. It was arranged marriage with a girl from (in assuming) Pakistan. The fact she would be able to move here was always part of the arrangement and probably the thing that made you attractive to her parents. It's not surprising or controversial. What I am a bit lost on is how she got here on a spousal visa when you never subsequently married legally but I remember what it was like in those days OP and marriage fraud for immigration was ripe and not well
Controlled. So maybe she just came
Here and "disappeared" or similar.

The way I am understanding your relationship was you flew to Pakistan on holiday, had a marriage which was not legally binding (forcedmarriage wouldn't be legal anyway) came home leaving "wife there" she had to stay to see through the visa process. This wasn't romance and babies and am exciting life. The process wouldn't have much started before the 2 years the "relationship" was over- a relationship I which from what I can see they never lived together or had a sexual relationship. Maybe didn't even converse, who knows. This isn't the kind of marriage most posters on this thread are thinking of.

I'm confused as to how she get here and OP your main mistake was getting her over here but I guess you felt guilty. I'd be inclined to wait and see what she does rather than running to your Partner and confessing all.

Where on earth do you get Pakistan and the ex-wife flouting the conditions of a spousal visa from?

I said I'm guessing Pakistan. Seems likely.

I didn't say she was flouting the conditions of a spousal visa. As far as I am aware, there aren't any conditions to a spousal visa. You must've misread.

No, ok, you said she came here and 'disappeared,' implying that she was trying for a spousal visa, and did something dishonest instead.

I can't help feeling that all the guesswork (a Muslim! Bet he's from Pakistan where Muslims come from!) smacks a bit of generalisation.

I asked how she could've come here on a spousal visa if way weren't legally married. Seems highly unlikely.

What difference does it make if it's Pakistan or Bangladesh or Nigeria? its not a generalisation to mention one. I guessed Pakistan because I have worked with a lot of women who have escaped arranged marriages from Pakistan in the past. It makes no difference to the post. You trying to find racism
Where there isn't any.

I didn't mention racism. I think you are looking too hard to find something to be offended about.

reading your recent post- HE ALREADY KNOWS! and seeing as he has had 2 kids with you and proposed, you'll be OK chuck

I agree that it looks like he knows.

You should still go ahead and tell him. I'm sure it will be fine.

I thought it might be Pakistan as well, but not just because the OP was Muslim, more because of the threat of killing him for his sexuality. But that might equally have been any other strongly Muslim country - I'm just more familiar with the stories of honour killings among the Pakistani population - although more usually girls, tbh - so that was my first thought.
DOesn't make it a correct one! But neither does it make it a racist one, just a supposition based on previous knowledge and information given in the OP.

I know it might be - and I know thinking about where it might be isn't automatically a racist thing. But I don't think it's a great idea here, because we just end up making up stories about what the wife might have done, what the OP might have done ... we don't know, and if he wanted to tell us he could. But he has pointed out that he was genuinely in fear of his life, so it doesn't seem the best thread on which to do probing about identifying details, or generalising about how this situation fits with whatever stories we've heard or read elsewhere.

Well I wasn't probing, for one - just saying how it appeared to me as well as Don'tyoulove.
I absolutely would not expect the OP to corroborate any of it, as if he'd wanted to, he would have said in his first post.

Back to the point - yes, OP, I agree that your partner at the very least suspects what you went through, if he doesn't already in part know - so get it together and tell him.

YY, I follow that you weren't, thumb, I was talking about why I made that comment in the first place. I can't help feeling it's not the right thread on which to make generalisations and speculations, especially when the OP's already said he does think he'll tell his DP and has (IMO) been pretty quick to acknowledge he was unfair to his ex-wife.

I couldn't get past my partner keeping this from me for so long. Sorry. What reason do you have for not telling him about it sooner, other than not wanting to deal with the fall out? I wouldn't be able to trust you again.

Agree, Robins.

You do have to tell him, good luck. But if he's half the person you say he is, it won't lead to a break-up. Tell him before your marriage and no-one can hold anything over you anymore.

I have some sympathy for the woman you married, but it must have been very difficult for you, and I disagree with the person who called you a misogynist. It sounds like the whole way along you've done the best you could, especially considering that you were afraid for your life.

For someone who feared he would be killed if he came out, OP has given a lot of personal info on this thread. I have some doubts about whether it's true

er, all this 'it wasn't a legal marriage anyway' is not necessarily correct. It would not be considered a legal marriage in this country but if the marriage took place in another country it is very likely to be a legal marriage. Who annulled the marriage? I wasn't aware of the ruling that a marriage is automatically annulled after two years of non-consumation.
This would then mean that when you go along to give your notices prior to your forthcoming marriage you will be asked if you have been married previously and that includes in another country. It would be far more damaging for your current partner to find out this way. Unless you intend to be dishonest in the legal preliminaries you don't really have a choice but to tell him.

WannaBe they have children - "We have two children through surrogacy" so the wife has not been left childless through all this. Give the poor bloke a break, forced marriages are evil.

Needmorespace- OP clearly said it was a religious ceremony not legally ratified in that country or this one. It won't be recognised here

Thewerenthwife- the children born by surrogacy are the children of OP and his partner, not his ex wife.

If it was an islamic marriage in an islamic country then it will be legally recognised. It would be dependent on the laws in the country that the marriage took place. Who annulled it if it had no legal standing? You can't have a position where you get married under islamic law in one country and then get married again in this country once your spouse has come to live in this country (not any more anyway). That means that if the op has to give notice of his pending marriage, he will need to declare the previous marriage.

He's had a religious ceremony and had it annauled by the same religious process. He's said clearly it's not a legal marriage.

My ex 'wife' never moved here. The immigration process never even properly started. She completed some forms but it was for me to get the process rolling and obviously as I knew I never wanted to be married to her I would never have started that process.She currently resides in the country she was born.

She has never married nor does she have children, however she is a beautiful woman with an incredible career. She would have options but for whatever reason she has so far not taken them.

Yes, my children are with my Partner. The oldest is biologically his and the youngest is biologically mine.

The marriage was a religious ceremony but was not registered legally. This is fairly common in my home country. The process for annulment and divorce is far simpler over there. The annulment happened instantly once the fact the marriage was never consummated came to light.

You could argue that I was never married. But I've never seen it like that as the ceremony did happen even if that was as a result of fear.