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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think they invited the wrong child?

312 replies

HyunaRiddle · 01/08/2016 20:10

I have triplet girls, they're 8 years olds.

2 are Brownies and 1 is a Cub

Youngest DD who is a brownie is very good friends with a girl, who is also a brownie, we've taken her out numerous times, DD has stayed over at her house overnight, I know the mum fairly well.

It's the girl's birthday next week and we've received 2 invites by email, for DD1 and DD2 not DD3.

DD2 is a Cub, has never spent more then a a few hours with the birthday girl, doesn't really like her all that much, but the name on the invite is clearly for DD2.

Do you think that they just put down the wrong name?

OP posts:
Oblomov16 · 02/08/2016 11:35

Why is it Mean?
It's not mean.

lljkk · 02/08/2016 11:37

What happened to treating multiples as individuals? Now you don't want that & they have to come as a set? Sheesh. I'd ask my girls who were invited if they wanted to go & if they said yes, off they'd go. Can do something special with extra kid if she feels left out.

It's a matter between the DD3 & the birthday child if they fall out or they can find an understanding. The DD3 can directly ask "why didn't you want ME?" if her sisters don't ask why.

parisgellar · 02/08/2016 11:38

Think we've found party girl's mum ^

CodyKing · 02/08/2016 11:41

It's the using the sisters to be mean to the DD who's a friend

DD3 may well be more invested in the friendship than the friend - so I would explain to her that she wasn't invited but her sisters were. Like you say later after the event. But she does need to know where she stands in the friendship. So she can look for nicer friends.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 02/08/2016 11:42

And her friend 😂

CodyKing · 02/08/2016 11:44

OP never said they were a set and would understand it DD1 and DD 3 had an invite as DD2 doesn't like the girl isn't in brownies or her class.

It's DD3 who has sleepovers in the same class and brownies -

It's no different to DS friend inviting my DD to a party and not him - it's just odd and unkind -

bitemyshinymetalass · 02/08/2016 11:44

Didn't OP say that DD3 had days out and stuff with party girl and family? It could be a cack-handed attempt at fairness, to invite the other 2 who have not been invited to things before.

Why are people so quick to assume horrible motives? Says more about them, tbh.

Oblomov16 · 02/08/2016 11:45

I dont have dd's. Only ds's.

CodyKing · 02/08/2016 11:47

It's not about horrid motives - more DD3 will be upset that she wasn't invited - it's the result it has in your own family / child

She's said she's upset at missing it - she doesn't even know she's know invited (yet)

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/08/2016 11:47

If I were the mum of party girl, I wouldn't have sent that email in the first place. I would have given her an extra party place so your DD3 could have gone too - and if she still refused to have her, I would at the very least have tried to find out why she was refusing. I wouldn't have put you or your DDs in that position because it's a very sucky position to be in.

Glad you decided to decline it, I think that's the best solution all round - but might be an idea to encourage your DD3 to find a wider circle of friends if she doesn't already have lots, as this girl seems to have decided that your DD3 isn't as good a friend as was thought.

lljkk · 02/08/2016 11:59

I think Parisgellar is accusing ME of being party-girl-mum, not Oblomov.

MN screen is totally screwed up so I can't find OP's update. Her call. But I still stand by what I said. If she thinks the girl is playing mind games to hurt the DD3, then she needs to ask the host mum if that's the case. Everything else is 2nd guessing motives and trying to manage the friendship which the girls should do themselves at this age.

ps: my only DD is almost 15.

Zxzx · 02/08/2016 12:03

OP, I think you've handled it perfectly.

Zxzx · 02/08/2016 12:05

OP,
I can't wait until they're teens and don't need to be taken everywhere

....laughs nervously. 😂 Wink

murphys · 02/08/2016 12:07

Murphy, it's not about inviting all three girls though. Edmund, I do agree with you, in my first paragraph I was just commenting on how it is in our situation, which is slightly different really as they are all friendly.

But my point was more so that I don't think that at age 8, the party girl realizes the consequences of her invitation list. Maybe OP's dd3 had a fallout or perhaps the party girl is trying to become more friendly with dd2, hence why she was invited. But ultimately, at some point, the party girl will have had a discussion with her mother about who was going to be invited and who wasn't. As a mother, I would just assume that she would have questioned her daughter as to why only dd1 and dd2 got invited, knowing dd3 is her better friend. So therefore, when OP phoned her, she could have said, oh well they had a fallout, or the real reasoning behind it. Instead, whilst on the phone she just questioned party girl as if its the first time she is hearing about it. She is 8, not 18. Surely party mum would be expecting OP to contact her, because of dd3 not being invited and that she is actually her daughters friend.

So, on that basis, i would decline.

OP, I think you have made the best decision. I feel for dd3, it seems she may lose a friend because of this.

parisgellar · 02/08/2016 12:10

No I meant oblomov, I was just joking anyway. Should've added the tag

PovertyPain · 02/08/2016 12:14

I can't wait until they're teens and don't need to be taken everywhere

thinks back to when kids were teenagers

Muwhahaha! Grin

Jinglebells99 · 02/08/2016 12:21

I think some people are just so wound up in what their own pfb wants, they can't actually see it from anyone else's perspective. My dd's best friend has been like this. We have taken her on many expensive days out. When best friend had a spare ticket for a show, she offered it to the girl who lived across the road, and only to my dd, her supposed best friend, when the other girl couldn't go🙄. She's come on multiple free days out with us, cinema, pantomime, attractions, but expects my dd to pay for her own ticket! And it's not that they are less well off, more they have other priorities

Memoires · 02/08/2016 12:47

Jingle, taking this girl out many times is your choice though. Perhaps she likes the girl across the road from her more than she likes your dd, or maybe she realises that your family can afford things and her across the road neighbour's family can't.

Oblomov16 · 02/08/2016 13:30

Why me Paris? Many others have said similar.

CodyKing · 02/08/2016 13:38

My dd's best friend has been like this. We have taken her on many expensive days out. When best friend had a spare ticket for a show, she offered it to the girl who lived across the road

your daughters being used and taken advantage of and you're allowing it to happen - that's not a healthy equal friendship

Oblomov16 · 02/08/2016 13:40

I do feel sorry for your dd3. Clearly she thinks this girl is her best friend, but party girl doesn't see dd3 that way.
Over the summer you are going to need to work on that, so that dd3 values her less.

Hadenoughoftumble · 02/08/2016 14:10

Op I think you handled the reply perfectly and after the awkward phone call you had with the mother regarding the invites I'm guessing she will know why you declined.

Has she replied?

TheDowagerCuntess · 02/08/2016 15:33

I think you handled it perfectly OP - no need to explain why you've declined, it's perfectly obvious.

Personally, I wouldn't (and don't) only invite one twin to a party, let alone exclude one triplet. Appreciate others disagree on the first point (contrarily, if I had twins, I wouldn't expect both to be invited - I just couldn't not invite both myself).

Original poster
HyunaRiddle · 02/08/2016 15:47

Received a reply a while ago: "Sorry to hear that, it's unfortunate, hopefully all the girls can meet up before the holidays end"

That was it, no drama. DD3 has a lot of friends, it's just that the birthday girl and her seem to go to all the same activities and have the same likes, so she's very close to her. Usual activities aren't on during the summer, so it's prime time to expand her social circle.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 02/08/2016 15:55

They could have all met up at the bloody party, if she hadn't been such a miser... I'd be in no hurry to start organising a play date, why should you?