To think this is not such a good idea to blame me for DH's decision with PIL?

[logosthecat]

Ok some background.

PIL are difficult - DH and I both agree wholeheartedly on this, there is no argument (fwiw, BIL and his partner also agree!). However, DH loves his folks and does want to maintain some kind of relationship. Long history of domineering/bullying behaviour, DH has had counselling to deal with it. They live at the opposite end of the country.

They have been retired since their 40s (inheritance), and they don't really remember what it's like to deal with the stresses of the working week. I think they don't really understand the difference between 'rest' and 'relaxation' - that, if you're absolutely exhausted by work, the things that you might normally find relaxing, like going to nice places, can become a chore.

DH has a VERY demanding job. Long hours, lots of responsibility, lots of aggro. And it's just got worse as he's been promoted. We tend to use the weekends for rest and recuperation. However, when we visit them, it is a cacophony of noise and activity for day after day - we are literally marched around visiting places from first thing thing in the morning to last thing at night. DH is harassed and stressed and upset by this (they are also terribly insensitive, which doesn't help). He frequently becomes ill during or after the visit, and we then hobble through the following week with him going to work and returning to collapse with exhaustion in the evenings, because he hasn't had the downtime he needs. It really bites into our quality of life.

For this reason, we are trying to have shorter visits with PIL. We used to do 4-5 days 4 times a year. We are trying to see them for 1-1.5 days more frequently, every couple of months.

So here's the issue.

We are due to visit their home in August, and DH outlined to them that we'd only be spending one night (2 days). (This has been clear from the start, but they have been conveniently ignoring it to now). All hell broke loose. FIL went into full emotional blackmail mode: 'This is TERRIBLE, your mother will be terribly disappointed, she's been so excited with all the days she's got planned, we're not getting any younger' etc etc etc. We hosted them for a long weekend last month, and we also saw them at a beer festival the month before!!

DH kept his cool but framed the decision that it was pressure from me. 'I need to spend some time with my wife, I've only been staring at screens the last few weekends, and she says she wants some time for just the two of us'. This is not actually true. We agreed together that we didn't want to do the long visits, and I have not, in fact, asked for more of his time! The issue is simply with the way that they are stressful to deal with and both of us reach our limit of tolerance (beyond which we are simply gritting our teeth) at about 24 hours in their company.

AIBU to think that this is likely to lead them to dislike and blame me for the changes? And that there might be better ways of handling it, like being more honest about the actual state of affairs? (I don't mind being told I AM being unreasonable if it is a good plan, I am just not sure we are handling this as well as we could).

They are really cheeky. When I had to visit parent inlaws, I dreaded it but we at least got to go out on our own as a couple. Once when they came to us, after they left, i closed the front door, leant against the wall and screamed.
Deep down, i didn't much like them and they didn't much like me. I judt remembered they had created my lovely partner so weren't all bad.

I would try to break the pattern with your inlaws. Could you become unexpectedly unwell and not able to go? Not if you would feel guilty, but I think any ruses you try, they have brought on themselves.Could your dp go on his own sometimes?

I'm all for family harmony, but your first family now is you and dp

It's not that he needs to sleep every weekend bathsheba! It's that he can't cope with the:

• 5 hour drive after a 60-70 hour week (we share it, but even so, it's tiring)
• being woken up at 7am so that they can 'start the day' when we need to sleep longer
• being outside and rushed around National Trust houses from 9am to 5pm
• then going to the pub/restaurant all night (where they will drink crazy amounts)
• then being kept up (they are drunk and noisy!) until 12-1am at the earliest. We go to bed but they put the radio on full blast in the room next door. They are also not beyond waking us up with 'questions' at 3am or 4am.
• rinse and repeat the above for 3-4 days
• then doing a 5 hour drive back

DH's job - I don't want to say too much, but put it this way: he needs to be rested to do it well, and doing it well matters.

We have asked them for more 'low key visits' and explained the problem but THEY want to do the National Trust stuff, and they will not pay attention to anyone else's needs. We try to get out of it on the day by expressing in no uncertain terms that we've had enough, but they will literally insist that we all take their car (like you have to have a stand-up row to refuse), and then they have you captive and will NOT listen when we say we've had enough and would like to go home.

We've also tried 'we don't want to do anything'. They literally just ignore us. They even ignored us when I had a work emergency (close to life-or-death stuff, I worked for the NHS and something had gone seriously wrong) and I HAD to do a conference call all morning. I had explained how vital it was that the problem was solved, but MIL stood over me with her coat on and repeated 'Are we going out then?' constantly, to the point that the people on the other end of the phone could hear. It increased the stress of an already stressful situation.

At the end of the day, though, the reason we don't want to do 5 day visits is that we don't enjoy them. I end up in tears, DH ends up ill and stressed, and then the next week is exhausting. So we are not saying NO visits. We are saying we will stay for 2 days/1 night. This gives us a day to recover and rest when we get back and is a reasonable compromise.

Bathsheba Everyone is different, if the dh finds his parents exhausting (and they sound exceedingly so) then it's not unusual, it's probably more emotional exhaustion anyway. I would write to them too.
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The ILs are getting on in years, they might welcome an excuse to calm down too, but strangely feel obliged to rush about.

What a schedule they keep - wish I had a tenth of their energy. What's their secret?

Sorry I haven't added anything helpful with my post.

My mum can exhaust me just talking on the telephone. Her record was just over FOUR HOURS. She yammered away non-stop. I got a couple of utterances in here and there. I was ready for a sleep afterwards.

Possibly go NC and explain why and the fact they aren't the wonderful parents they think they. By letter!

Could you both use up all your leave travelling someone they can't join you easily? That will be expensive and take some arranging, but might be worth it if you two can truly switch off and recharge. Then you won't have any leave left to visit them.

YANBU.

If you've agreed to do good cop/bad cop and have assigned those roles, that's one thing. Similarly, if you have agreed between you that one of you will be the fall guy and take the shit for a decision, that's also fine. But to be shoved into this role where it is 'your fault' is not acceptable.

Sounds like this is a done deed as far as this trip goes - any further explanation may just be ignored or seen as unconvincing back-peddling. But for the future, you need to be clear that you are both on the same page and, if necessary, agree in advance and rehearse your DH saying the explanation for a shorter trip. If he is under the thumb and knackered, this may be hard for him, but he's going to have to learn how to do it. Hence, rehearsing the interaction with his parents.

*somewhere

Is your DH too exhausted for anything at all, or too exhausted to deal with emotionally and physically demanding people? I ask because Bathsheba may have a point - it does sound like his working practices are detrimental to his health.

toadgirl - 4 hours, BLOODY HELL!! That's amazing!

If my in-laws were like this I would gladly be the fall guy as your DH is very emotionally tied with the FOG and it is his way of coping. As it happens it's my parents who are like this and my DH will always take the flack if necessary as he knows how much emotional pressure they put on me.

I am sympathetic to you but more so to your poor DH - they sound horrendous.

Sounds like his parents are detrimental to his health and op. I don't understand how any parent puts their own entertainment before their son and dil well being. I think op and dp need to create some strong boundaries.

toadgirl - 4 hours, BLOODY HELL!! That's amazing!

I have diagnosed her for this and other reasons (armchair psychology) as a Narc.

She just yammers away, no thought or interest in anyone else. If you get a word in, she dismisses your feelings and thoughts.

I've often telephoned her to tell her something (getting married, moving, etc) and only got out the reason I called her when she's finally stopped to draw breath.

Needless to say, most of my communication is by email with her now

Could you start the backing-off process by agreeing to a day trip halfway between you? That way it is one day, less of a drive and you have your car to leave when you want to.

I know it doesn't solve the root cause of the problem but may be a way of negotiating a different habit of seeing them, they can see they get their own way but you do as well.

Is there a reason they never visit you? You could get them to stay in a hotel but that cuts out the driving and also again if you meet them at the hotel you can leave when you want, and don't have the 3am radio/questions.

toadgirl - it certainly sounds like you are right. I think sometimes people just get lost in their own world to such a point that they can't even see that they are being so self-centred any more. Your Mum sounds like she stopped 'seeing' you a long time ago. It must be heartbreaking for you .

lacontessa - it's the latter, he's just too exhausted to deal with them personally.

To give you an idea, we use the weekend to catch up on sleep (we are up at 5am in the week, so the sleep-in until 8.30 or 9.00am is needed), and to have some mental time away from stressful environments. We are not inactive - we get up, read, potter in the garden or go for a country walk, do a bit of local shopping, cook a nice meal. Chances are we do a bit of work too, but we might go out or meet friends for a couple of hours, maybe have a nice meal at a restaurant or go to a pub. We also use the weekend in a practical way to get ourselves straight (things like washing, ironing, cooking for the week - if these aren't done, the week ahead is a muddle).

We are just quiet, introverted people really. We both find PIL's way of being in the world exhausting, because a lot of it is bullying. For instance, literally 90% of MIL's comments to me are criticisms, telling me I'm doing something the wrong way. It's difficult to go through hour after hour of that and not find it wearing. DH gets emotional blackmail and bullying instead. It is upsetting and stress-inducing to be around for day after day.

Sorry, posted too soon. You mentioned BIL, can you combine forces to tackle this consistently? If the message isn't just you being the bad guy but actually everyone feels it's too much with the action packed visits it may be better.

rainbow - they do visit us, sorry I didn't mean to give the impression they don't. We hosted them literally just 6-7 weeks ago. They used to come Weds/Thurs and not leave until the following Monday - we are trying to reduce this to Friday-Sunday.

When they visit us, they demand exactly the same full itinerary of activities as when we visit them. Only we are also expected to cook!!

Insist on taking your own car - tell them you'll meet them there. Make sure they drive off first.

Then circle the block and go back to their house and let yourself in and go back to bed. A couple of wasted trips might soon change their minds...

BIL is lovely & hugely supportive. He and his partner are doing the same thing of reducing the length of visits as they have the same issues. BIL's partner got really upset when they recently moved and PIL were horrible about the new house.

The problem here is that your downtime is their "uptime" as they are retired. My parents and my in laws are more of the nice dog walk, pub, takeaway sort but my ILs work and my parents retired 2 years ago so they fully remember their precious weekends.

Really they need to be doing all this NT house stuff on their own on a Wednesday when nobody else is there but they're clearly bored of each other's one on one company.

I think it's ok to take the blame this time but next time just refuse to go any earlier. Re-set the norm.

Yes, PILs need to get lives of their own. If they are bored because they are retired, well they need to find ways to keep themselves entertained instead of expecting these exhausting get-togethers all the time.

We know someone who inherited a huge amount of money/land etc & retired at age 40. He doesn't understand why youngsters aren't buying their own places & travelling like he used to . He has no idea at all what it is like to work full time & not have enough even then to buy somewhere.

I don't think your IL's will ever understand your circumstances, no matter how hard you try. They live like this- why can't everybody else. Is your DH staying in the relationship for altruistic reasons?

Or does he fear disinheritance if he backs off & goes NC?

Could you arrange to meet them at a hotel halfway between houses? That way you can escape. When they insist you use their car, go get in yours. No discussion you are taking yours, they are taking theirs. When you've had enough tell them you are going. They sound like they need to be told you will do what you want to do when you want to do it. Good luck stay strong

Oh, massive sympathies! Your PIL sound like my parents in many ways. I came back from a 6-day visit with them some 3 weeks ago and am only just barely recovered. Emotionally and physically exhausting, and complete disregard for my wishes or anything I say. I could be yabbering jibberish for all the good my words do.

If it actually works to 'blame' you, it might be worth it. But it might be better for DH, if they come back, to clarify that he wants to spend time with you, not that you are demanding it. I've never passed blame that way onto my DH because I don't want to have deal with the double criticism of myself and my partner, in my partner not being good for me. If you think that might be a danger, get it sorted before they solidify that track.