and unfair re pocket money/paying for activities during the school holidays?

[Ellybellyboo]

I have 2 daughters - 1 is nearly 15, the other is 11.

DD1 and I are currently in discussion over the fairness of pocket/spending money and paying for activities during the school holidays.

DD1 gets some pocket money, I've bought her a bus pass for the holidays and I've said that I'm happy to pay for activities that she wants to do.

DD2 tends to get money as and when she needs it, plus she has some hobbies which we've booked and paid for some extras over the holidays (a water sports day/horse riding, etc).

DD1 has spent this weeks pocket money and not due the next lot until Monday but has asked if I can give her some money as she wants to go into town with her mates. I've said no. She has her bus pass, we have plenty of cans of coke/crisps/etc in the kitchen, help herself to that.

DD2 went horse riding yesterday plus I'm taking her and a friend to the cinema later so DD1 thinks I should give her the equivalent ££.

My argument is that I'm more than happy to pay for stuff like cinema tickets and activities that she wants to do, but I'm not handing out cash hand over fist to spend on chips and Starbucks in town

She obviously thinks I'm unfair, accusations that her sister is my favourite, etc, etc. but she seems to forget that she gets a set amount of pocket money, I've bought her a bus pass, plus I'll do stuff with her without DD2 (we're going for chocolate tapas next week while DD2 is at a friends house)

DD2's activities probably do cost a bit more, but there's absolutely nothing stopping DD1 from doing stuff

We're going round and round in circles and my head is about to explode

Sorry, this thread disappeared from my threads I'm on and I hadn't realised it had more posts.

JacquesHammer' in a nutshell, yes

DD1 gets £20 a week pocket money to spend how she likes (just during the holidays, she doesn't normally get that much).

She also has a bus pass - which, IMO, is an extra. We live in a smallish town, her friends are all in walking distance, plenty of coffee shops in our town, she can walk to the beach - however, they all prefer larger nearby town, our beach is stoney so they prefer going to nearby sandy beach, etc.

DD2 has some activities, last week her activities cost more than DD1's pocket money, so her argument was that I should give her extra money to make it up to the same amount as DD2's activities

My argument is that if DD1 wanted extra money to do stuff other than mooching in town (cinema for example), I would pay for those, but I wasn't going to keep on handing over money to spend on crap. She chooses not to do any activities.

We also have a local holiday park near us with tennis/swimming pool/etc which we can have annual passes for so she can go swimming, etc for free and take a friend.

Also, I think that the activities/spends will probably even themselves out over the course of the summer holidays - for example, this week, DD2's activities are free but I'm taking DD1 and her friend out for chocolate tapas

Chocolate tapas is sort of chocolate afternoon tea I suppose. Hot chocolate, chocolate fondue, chocolate cake, etc.

Anyway, I gave her the tenner to make it equal with DD2's spends last week and I'm not all that inclined to slip her any extra now

My dd 16 likes meeting friends to play Pokemon Go and is happy to take a drink with her. They also like hanging out at each other's houses although rarely before midday as they are not up early enough . Sometimes they do a make and share lunch or picnic.I don't do bus passes or lifts, it's all cycling around for dd and her mates.
Does your dd do any of this free stuff with her friends?

Dd does also do stuff that costs more - cinema, nandos, brunch etc but it's handy that not all social activities are costing her. We live in a town but it's hard to get a job under 16 without contacts, and even 16 is not old enough for a lot of jobs.

I think £20 a week and the option to earn more is just fine for a 15 year old and this is what my dd gets.

Have not rtft but I'm laughing at the suggestion that she get a paper round! Does everyone here get a paper delivered everyday then? And established newspapers (the independent) are shutting down just for fun? Surely the thing to do now is to be a deliveroo person or similar exploited member of the on demand economy. But personally if I was a parent wealthy enough to pay for riding lessons, I'd just bung my teen a fiver for a Frappuccino on the understanding that she needs a bit of a rest before her gcse year.

I just don't get it! I must be getting old coz if I had asked my parents for money to spend hanging around a coffee shop or buying chips I would've been told no. Doesn't anyone believe in saying "No" anymore? Saying "No I won't give you £20 notes that I've had to work really hard to earn so you can fritter away on rubbish" does not amount to child cruelty. I can't believe the sense of entitlement kids have nowadays.

Inshock73; thank u! Finally someone on this thread acknowledges that No is acceptable!!!

Haven't read the whole thread but jobs aren't very easy to come by if you are under 16. Paper delivery is dying out - and babysitting jobs aren't as common either. Not saying unheard of but when I was younger I worked from being about 14 and virtually everyone I knew had a babysitting job but employment laws are much stricter and I genuinely don't think people go out as much.
How about giving her the chance to earn some money (washing the car, dog walking etc)? You both get something out of if then.

there are still local papers, advertising mags and leafleting rounds to be had so don't poo poo it too much

I think some posters think they've been asked to reinterpret the "Yorkshireman" Monty Python sketch. And I think some are missing that the OP has offered £20 a week to her eldest DD.

My DD is 15 and she gets £20 a month. Paper rounds here too are passed from sibling to sibling; babysitters have to be over 16, we have no family. Leafleting, sweeping and washing up jobs are taken by local people who are trying to feed themselves or their families.

But OP's DD was offered a job - to do some things for her Dad for some extra cash on top of her £80 a month - which she refused. So purely based on these two things alone, I'd say YANBU.

Having been brought up after my mum died in a house where there was no food or clean clothes, not even money for sanitary towels (I can do a better Yorkshireman sketch than you lot), I can honestly say that it is the greatest pleasure of my life to put a £10 note in my child's hand and say buy whatever you want. Being so poor as a teenager has marked me for life and rubbed off on my kids who worry about spending money all the time. If you can give your child something nice and they are not spoilt then why the hell not?

Inshock nothing to do with age! I'm 43 and my mum and dad used to give me money at the weekends to meet my mates...we used to go and sit in Next Cafe and drink hot chocolate!

They never saw it as a waste but a nice trip out for my friends and I. Sometimes we'd have a bit extra to go shopping. We weren't well off.

If you don't want to give Dd cash and her friends hang out in Stars how about putting some cash on a card for her?

BurningBridges has it exactly right.

Personally I'd give them each an allowance for whole holidays.
I'd not include bus pass.

So for example dd2 has £100 worth of activities and then has £15 a week extra for other things I'd work it out and give DD1 the same.

Then I'd take off organised activities that DD1 has (chic party) and work out what's left.

Eg 100+90 = £190 (DD2)
DD1 has choc thing (say £20) I'd give her the £170 but over the 6 weeks to do as she pleases but.... I'd then expect her to pay for cinema etc if her friends go and won't be paying extra for those trips.

Then she gets to see the value of £10 on coffee and chips v seeing a film.

the paper round thing, I agree, is a non-starter, as is the babysitting.

But... is it my understanding that the OP's dd does not want a job? Turning down a job at father's workplace... what an opportunity! I think my dcs would kill to be able to empty dh's bins (for money)! (And yes, they are teens.)

Given that the OP says she lives by the seaside and near a bigger seaside spot, what about hotels/b&bs/chalet parks? Every hotel needs staff - a bit of morning bed changing can't be hard to find.

I give my dcs the odd bit of money if they are meeting friends (ds has a Saturday job) but if one of them had turned down a job with dh and then saw my purse as the magic porridge pot I'd be a bit less inclined to dole out funds.

It does sound a bit unfair to your eldest daughter, she can see what her little sister is having spent in her and wants the same! 14 year olds won't want to be doing the same thing as younger sister; they want to be doing what their friends do, however much you disagree with it, you can't change her friends spending habits and so of course she wants to fit in! Do think she should be working though, insist she works with her dad for extra money, surely she should want to? I had my first job at 11 (paper round), then worked in various hotels / ice cream shops / restaurants from 13; babysitting from about 14/15.

My parents always were happier to give me money for activities they considered worthwhile than something they didn't - would spend ££ on music lessons/cinema but not on say riding. Pocket money was mine to fritter but no more was forthcoming once it was gone.

It's perfectly fine to make value judgements on activities as a parent IMO.

As your elder DD has plenty of access to activities should she plan something rather than teenagerish "meh" it's fair in my opinion. Fair does not and never should mean the same regardless of circumstances.

Sorry but why is a paper round a non starter??? My local free paper has loads of paper rounds available as they say teens nowadays can't b bothered to work hard for £20+ a month as they are all spoilt and just given money by parents; this thread proves her theory. Cannot believe there r so many parents teaching their kids that sitting on your arse all day pays???!!!!

By the way; we can afford to give my kids as much money as they ask for but what sort of life lesson is that???

mishmash no one can get a paper round here, adults do them.

But if the OP lives in a touristy place there must be more opportunities than a lot of other places. And the OP's dh has offered some work.

I agree that even if you are Bill Gates it is good to get dcs to see the value of money. Ds was becoming slightly if not spoilt, then a bit prince-like, crowned by his trip up to London with his friends where instead of having a burger they dined out on moules et frites. Moules et bloody frites when he was 15!! He has a Saturday job now and definitely one is more careful with money earned than money that falls into your lap.

I'd be delighted dd1 was making her own arrangements to see friends and socialise! Why on earth shouldn't she go? Would you rather she were sat on her computer all day? I have never heard of a child that age with a job, apart from a paper round it isn't even legal. Let them enjoy their childhood for goodness sake! MN is really a parallel world.

I got a job at Pizza Hut at 15, my friends worked in high st shops etc. and it wasn't that long ago - it is perfectly legal and normal!

Banana but as people have said, those types of jobs are now taken by adults trying to feed families.

I know 45 year old men working in McDonalds who previously worked in steelworks.

Of course I know things have changed and they're not so easy to come by now, I was just bemused by the posts implying that it's only in some kind of strange parallel universe where 15 years olds could ever (legally) have a job and earn some of their own money.

My teens get £30 a month plus the odd few quid to go to the shops. Technically they shouldn't really get that but, as their money gets paid into the bank, they tend not to have change. I counter balance this by the fact that they are probably due an increase which I haven't given them and just dole out a couple of quid at the weekend in order to persuade them to leave the house. I don't think that amount of pocket money is over generous but I guess the issue in terms of work (other than actually being able to get it) is that they don't really spend their pocket money and don't have anything they really want enough to have the incentive to earn some more. I have no doubt that will change when they need the money for uni etc. For now, I am happy that they work hard in school and are doing extra curricular stuff such as Scouts and DofE.

Maybe it's more to do with our family dynamic in that I wouldn't say any of us are particularly money orientated beyond having enough for a nice life. DH and I could easily be doing jobs that earn more than we do but are happy with the job/flexibility that we have. As long as the bills get paid, we don't have to scrimp and save for food/holidays etc. then we are happy.

DD tried for years to get a paper round. Most of them seem to be taken up by pensioners others just get passed down through families and between friends. All DD's friends with jobs under 16 got them through parents/family friends/grandparents.
Once she turned 16 she applied for loads of jobs and got two temporary ones and a permanent one.

We give her £80 a month but she has to pay for phone, any extra toiletries she wants (I buy deodorant,face wash,shampoo, conditioner, sanpro and shower gel), bus and train fares, clothes ( we buy shoes, coats and underwear and school stuff)
Having the monthly allowance changed her from just spending without thinking to really being able to budget. She no longer pesters for money. I do slip her a fiver here and there, mostly when I've bought her brothers lunch out.