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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

and unfair re pocket money/paying for activities during the school holidays?

183 replies

Ellybellyboo · 29/07/2016 11:04

I have 2 daughters - 1 is nearly 15, the other is 11.

DD1 and I are currently in discussion over the fairness of pocket/spending money and paying for activities during the school holidays.

DD1 gets some pocket money, I've bought her a bus pass for the holidays and I've said that I'm happy to pay for activities that she wants to do.

DD2 tends to get money as and when she needs it, plus she has some hobbies which we've booked and paid for some extras over the holidays (a water sports day/horse riding, etc).

DD1 has spent this weeks pocket money and not due the next lot until Monday but has asked if I can give her some money as she wants to go into town with her mates. I've said no. She has her bus pass, we have plenty of cans of coke/crisps/etc in the kitchen, help herself to that.

DD2 went horse riding yesterday plus I'm taking her and a friend to the cinema later so DD1 thinks I should give her the equivalent ££.

My argument is that I'm more than happy to pay for stuff like cinema tickets and activities that she wants to do, but I'm not handing out cash hand over fist to spend on chips and Starbucks in town

She obviously thinks I'm unfair, accusations that her sister is my favourite, etc, etc. but she seems to forget that she gets a set amount of pocket money, I've bought her a bus pass, plus I'll do stuff with her without DD2 (we're going for chocolate tapas next week while DD2 is at a friends house)

DD2's activities probably do cost a bit more, but there's absolutely nothing stopping DD1 from doing stuff

We're going round and round in circles and my head is about to explode

OP posts:
Original poster
Ellybellyboo · 29/07/2016 14:38

And I meant to add as isn't wasn't that clear in the OP, im taking her and her friend for chocolate tapas next week

She didn't want to come to the cinema with DD2 and her friend today, so we're doing tapas instead

OP posts:
bitemyshinymetalass · 29/07/2016 14:47

Whatever way you want to look at it, the kid in the OP is a lucky girl. She gets 20 quid a week plus bus fares, offered a way to make more easily which she turned down, still gets extra treats and outings from the ma....this is about wanting MORE money from the OP. Of course she can decide whether to give it, and what it can be spent on. It's her money.

RedHelenB · 29/07/2016 15:00

I would give her the amount of money you would spend at the cinema with dd2. Activities are outside of this imo if dd1 has the same opportunities to do dome.

BertrandRussell · 29/07/2016 15:07

I don't think bus fares count. The child did not choose to live where she does.

PNGirl · 29/07/2016 15:09

Yes, as I said, there are 2 issues, wanting more vs your judgement of what is worth spending on - I did agree that having had 20 quid she should have saved some knowing there was no more until Monday. I just don't agree that the cinema or horseriding is less of a waste of money than general socialising.

PNGirl · 29/07/2016 15:13

I.e. It is fairest to either give her more or not, rather than attaching conditions about what is and isn't a waste.

WankersHacksandThieves · 29/07/2016 15:21

No-one is saying it's not OPs money and ultimately her choice, that doesn't make it fair and it doesn't make it not controlling.

I agree though that OPs DD1 is a lucky girl and from the updates do agree that she had been given an amount of money which was reasonable. But I completely agree with PNGirl that general socialising is equal to cinema/horse riding so shouldn't be penalised. Give what you want to give and provided that the activities are legal and what you would allow them to do then don't give rules on how it should be spent. It is okay imo though to suggest that other activities are also planned.

Also given the update that she has the opportunity to earn more then I would set her budget apart from family activities that are paid for - the chocolate trip being the equivalent of the cinema trip for DD2 and encourage her to work for DH if she wants more. I don't think it's right to say you can have a tenner for the cinema but not for town though. there is either extra money available or there isn't. And yes, bus fares don't count when the alternative is that she needs to ask to be driven everywhere, the bus pass is part of her learning to be independant.

DixieNormas · 29/07/2016 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 29/07/2016 15:30

Of course it's the OP's money- until she gives it to her dd- at which point it becomes hers.

bitemyshinymetalass · 29/07/2016 16:31

There are lots of posts saying its hers, don't attach conditions, but are you really saying you have no interest at all in what your 14 year olds are spending money on? Do you mean give it unconditionally, or do you just disagree with the OP's particular conditions?
Because I think some posters are being disingenuous.

WankersHacksandThieves · 29/07/2016 16:39

Well I'd give mine it unconditionally because I know what they'd spend it on. Crisps, Fizzy Juice and chocolate. Not the best, but not the end of the world. If I had any doubts then I'd be following a previous posters suggestion of a prepaid gift type card for where they said they wanted to go. My teens are in the house all day some days with freely available alcohol. they have cash cards for their bank accounts with more in them than mine, they are both tall and look older than their age. If they wanted to buy stuff or get drunk they have plenty of opportunity. I appreciate that not all teens are the same and may need different rules. I don't get the feeling that OP didn't trust her DD.

EsmeraldaEllaBella · 29/07/2016 17:03

Yabu and unfair! Give her the same money and let her choose what to do with it

BITCAT · 30/07/2016 11:03

I think 20pound is more than enough tbh. Plus bus pass..we used to have to walk or ride bike. Plus activities. And outings. I don't agree with kids arguing and demanding more more from parents all the time. It's not unfair it's life. It's unfair that a 20yo gets paid less than a 25 yo but you just have to suck it up.

whirlwinds · 01/08/2016 13:04

20 is more then fair, if she wants more let her do jobs for it.

mishmash1979 · 01/08/2016 14:23

My 13 & 15 yr old have a paper round each that gives them £23 and we match it so they both "earn" £46 a month. £20 a week is ridiculous!!!!

mishmash1979 · 01/08/2016 14:24

That's £46 each

BorpBorpBorp · 01/08/2016 14:26

£20 + travel sounds like plenty for a week's worth of mooching with friends. Paying for special activities on top of that is generous imo. She gets a reasonable amount of pocket money that is just for spends, she has the offer of more money for particular things, she's been offered the opportunity to work for more money that she can do what she likes with, and she's still complaining?

Reapwhatyousow · 01/08/2016 14:27

At 15 your DD is allowed to work a limited number of hours. I suggest that over the course of the summer she explores this possibility. Using her time to Google it, make herself known, make herself agreeable. It will be the biggest favour you could do for her.

piemaker · 01/08/2016 14:30

what is chocolate tapas? sounds cool.

redskytonight · 01/08/2016 15:13

When I was a teen whoever in my group of friends had money that week used to buy one drink and a portion of chips and we shared it between us and it lasted most of the evening.

Is that not a thing any more?

Cerseilannisterinthesnow · 01/08/2016 15:24

I think you're NBU op, although me and my sister got the same amount of pocket money per month based on whether we had done our jobs around the house, the amount we got each month was non negotiable so I got a waitressing job at 14 ( although lived near and still do to a busy tourist/wedding area so always crying out for staff and still are) I'm not that old so wasn't that long ago. Some convenience stores take on part time cleaners around here to that are then able to go on tills at 18.

I will probably do the same with mine set amount of money depending on if jobs are done and encouraged to get a job if they want more

Cerseilannisterinthesnow · 01/08/2016 15:30

Is that £20 per week? Shock £80 a month to do what she wants with???!!!! That is a very generous amount of money to give!

minipie · 01/08/2016 16:13

£20 per week plus bus pass? And she wants more - but not for activities, which you'd pay for, but for mooching?

Er no. Mooching is important at that age, but £20 per week buys her plenty of mooching, especially if travel is covered. Hopefully this will teach her to make it last better.

JacquesHammer · 01/08/2016 16:32

Ok - if I am understanding correctly, DD1 gets an amount of pocket money a week which she can spend on whatever she wants - and could use for trips to town if she wanted.

On top of that you would pay for cinema tickets etc.

DD1 has spent all her money and thinks you should give her more? No chance.

I think what DD2 gets is a red herring. She has one activity which she is doing - DD1 is old enough to budget

Coconutty · 01/08/2016 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.