and unfair re pocket money/paying for activities during the school holidays?

[Ellybellyboo]

I have 2 daughters - 1 is nearly 15, the other is 11.

DD1 and I are currently in discussion over the fairness of pocket/spending money and paying for activities during the school holidays.

DD1 gets some pocket money, I've bought her a bus pass for the holidays and I've said that I'm happy to pay for activities that she wants to do.

DD2 tends to get money as and when she needs it, plus she has some hobbies which we've booked and paid for some extras over the holidays (a water sports day/horse riding, etc).

DD1 has spent this weeks pocket money and not due the next lot until Monday but has asked if I can give her some money as she wants to go into town with her mates. I've said no. She has her bus pass, we have plenty of cans of coke/crisps/etc in the kitchen, help herself to that.

DD2 went horse riding yesterday plus I'm taking her and a friend to the cinema later so DD1 thinks I should give her the equivalent ££.

My argument is that I'm more than happy to pay for stuff like cinema tickets and activities that she wants to do, but I'm not handing out cash hand over fist to spend on chips and Starbucks in town

She obviously thinks I'm unfair, accusations that her sister is my favourite, etc, etc. but she seems to forget that she gets a set amount of pocket money, I've bought her a bus pass, plus I'll do stuff with her without DD2 (we're going for chocolate tapas next week while DD2 is at a friends house)

DD2's activities probably do cost a bit more, but there's absolutely nothing stopping DD1 from doing stuff

We're going round and round in circles and my head is about to explode

You can't be employed above-board in somewhere like a shop until you have a National Insurance number which you get at 16.
You can't say that everyone has access to these places that will employ underage workers. Growing up we had one hairdresser in the village and her daughter was the sweeper, no cafes, one family run corner shop and a pub that required wait staff to be 18 to cover the bar.

very much depends on how much her pocket money ACTUALLY is OP, which you've declined to state. If you give her £25 a week and it's all gone then fair enough. if it's £10 per week in the school holidays, then you are being unfair (I'm assuming that you're able to afford it).

I don't think you should be classing the bus pass as part of your daughter's funds.. . more of a necessity really isn't it. and as for taking coke and crisps from the kitchen? would you do that if you were meeting a friend in town?

I think you're being hugely unfair TBH.

Whatthe

I'm afraid you are, me too. Health and safety and HMRC, national minimum wage etc etc all impose rules that means people just don't want to take on a 14 year old, especially when there are plenty of 16+ looking for work. if you know people then fine. I can assure you that people aren't queuing up to employ 14 year old boys with no childcare experience for babysitting. Although neighbours have asked when DS1 is 16 as they'd be happy for him to sit in with their late primary age children - as long as DH or I are available in case of emergencies.

When I was 13/14, I looked after my two year old nephew for a week while his Mum was having my niece and my brother was at work. Family is different and also that was in the 70s when seat belts, car seats and all sorts of other stuff were optional - people didn't worry as much.

If my best friend wanted to go out with her husband she would ask me. We wouldn't ask a random 14 yr old with a card up in the post office window

How luck for her, but most people don't have that. And I don't know anyone who put up a card to find a "random 14 year old". They use neighbours, frinds kids.
Its quite normal you know. Things you don't have direct experience of do happen, beleive it or not!

Why tho witsender my DD has had lots of experience with toddlers and young children she is more than capable to mind a child for a couple of hours. She could call me if she had a problem.

But I do think children have to 16 before they can babysit outside the family.

Also, going for a coffee is a perfectly acceptable adult leisure activity so why is it a waste of money for a teenager?

I have e a 6 year gap between my DD and they need different things at different times es.

When dd2 gets to 15 these will be the same rules for her do tell dd1 that it will be the same - in time.

If she wants more money to spend then she needs to get herself into town and get a job in a cafe on a Saturday.

wankers How very depressing.

Not getting money handed to you whenever you want for whatever you want is being badly treated and controlled? Actual LOL. If you think thats an excuse for being angry and disaffected,thats bizarre.

She is being treated unfairly because her younger sister is getting more money than she is. She is being controlled because she has been told that she can have money but only if she spends it doing what her Mum wants. No-one is saying that her Mum should open her purse and tell her to help herself.

The above will breed resentment and yes it will make the teen unhappy. If there is no money full stop as OP doesn't have it then that's a completely different thing.

I am another one who babysat throughout 90s and 00s. I actually started at 11 at neighbours house first just a couple of hours here and there playing so mum could get stuff done around the house, then for bits of time so she could grocery shop (while my mum was at home next door) and after a few months evenings. I even watched her newborn and the toddler a year later (I know this is taking it a bit far and I would never condone this now. I was a super responsible kid though with a lot of common sense). By the time I was 14 I had built up a bit of a babysitting monopoly with people outbidding each other to get me to sit with them on Friday nights when I was most busy haha. I even watched 7mths old triplets myself at 14. By the time I was 15, I also had a 'paper round' which consisted of dropping flyers and ads for local businesses through people's doors. I paid for my own clothes, activities and even school books. And holidays! I saved up for two six week trips to the US aged 16 and 17. As well as Europe trip to visit a pen pal age 15.

While I may have been an extreme example whilst at uni the first time I worked in a hospitality management for a bit and we used to regularly hire 15 year olds. (But only the ones who came looking for work themselves never the ones who had their parents calling for them...).

Also, going for a coffee is a perfectly acceptable adult leisure activity so why is it a waste of money for a teenager?

Adults earn their own money to waste as they want.

She is being treated unfairly because her younger sister is getting more money than she is. She is being controlled because she has been told that she can have money but only if she spends it doing what her Mum wants

Is she though? Did she get the riding lessons etc at 11 too? She's already had more spent on her, cumulatively, than the younger one. Look at the bigger picture.
All children are controlled, its what parents do. You wouldn't give your teen money for cigarettes, would you? If OP draws her lines at Starbucks, thats her choice.
Poor resentful unhappy teen, not allowed daily frappecinos. My heart bleeds for her!

I babysat a baby when I was 11. For £1. And dropped the baby on it's head. Accidentally I might add!

Sorry, didn't mean to post and run. Got a bit caught up on the phone

DD1 has £20 pocket money - we've already agreed a bit more during the holidays so she's got some extra spends - I know she wants to hang about Starbucks, we live by the sea so she wants icecreams and chips and stuff

The bus pass was £35 for a 30 day pass.

DD2 had a riding lesson at £16, plus about £10/15 at the cinema with her friend this afternoon.

There's not really a lot in it, and to be honest, I would imagine it will all even itself out over the holidays.

DD1 decided to go swimming with a different friend instead

I just don't want to keep on handing over money when she's only mooching about with it, I think we're already pretty generous

And yes, she had activities when she was younger that she chose to give up.

Whattheactualfug - well - what did they expect for a pound?!!!!!!!!

I don't think you should give money for cinema but not for town. They are both acceptable holiday activities.
I would give them an equal amount and let them spend it how they want to.

So 3 quid on a coffee and sitting with a friend for a catchup is "a waste" whereas £15 quid on cinema, Coke and popcorn isn't. Right...

If she had 20 quid then she probably should have kept some for the weekend so YANBU on that. YABU to dictate the worth of what she spends it on. 2 separate issues.

OP - the bus pass is a red herring; I'd put it out of the equation really.

I think if she has £20 pocket money which is just for spends (ie, not for clothes or toiletries) then that is pretty reasonable. If she wants any extra she should do (additional) jobs around the house for it.

I am more generous with my money for my DS and DD and generally give tenners without a thought whenever they are going out (because I'm pretty generous with myself too and don't see why I should measure them differently), but what you are giving is within reason.

I just don't want to keep on handing over money when she's only mooching about with it
Why?
Why is going to the cinema ok but going to a coffee shop not?
Do you never socialise with friends at a coffee shop or bar or restaurant?

I'm not saying you should give her more, just that you should give it without conditions.

Why are people comparing a 14 year old with an adult? There are a thousand reasons why its not the same thing.

I think you are being unfair tbh. It would be better to have a budget for each girl and allow them to choose how to spend it. I don't see that having lunch with friends in town is less worthy than a riding lesson; surely it depends on the choice of the individual?
Dd looked for a job from 14, paper rounds around here are like gold dust. Dd wouldn't have been comfortable babysitting and I wouldn't have wanted her to and what's more I don't know anyone who would have a young teen babysitter. She worked in M&S cafe from sixteen though,a good part time job to have though as they paid above NMW rate ( more tha £7ph back then even for a sixteen year old)

I used to baby sit as a kid I worke in a hotel at 13 as well and did a paper round at 11 But we live in different times now
I wouldn't leave my kids with an under 18. My brothers newsagents has a 12 month waiting list for new paper boys/girls and you can't use an under 13 they all have to have consent from school and licenses now. And that's a busy paper shop where the entire buisness is kept afloat by the rounds.
One of my minor children has a job he's almost 17 and works weekends and school holidays he got the job because of who he knows no other reason.

Being able to budget pocket money is a skill and I don't think your being unfair

One idea for her to make some extra money is dogwalking, or petsitting when peoole go out for theday/on holiday. You could put flyers on your road saying she can do that, maybe also put babysitting/ mowing lawns in there too, I think she'd probably get some responses.

YANBU. They are two different people and should be treated as such. I'm sure when she was younger you paid for activities she wanted to do. When she's working and warning and you are still giving DS2 pocket money would you give her as well? She needs to realize she's older and would go through things in life at a differs time to her sister.
I wouldn't do same for both. Instead may use the opportunity to teach her budgeting and spending wisely.