and unfair re pocket money/paying for activities during the school holidays?

[Ellybellyboo]

I have 2 daughters - 1 is nearly 15, the other is 11.

DD1 and I are currently in discussion over the fairness of pocket/spending money and paying for activities during the school holidays.

DD1 gets some pocket money, I've bought her a bus pass for the holidays and I've said that I'm happy to pay for activities that she wants to do.

DD2 tends to get money as and when she needs it, plus she has some hobbies which we've booked and paid for some extras over the holidays (a water sports day/horse riding, etc).

DD1 has spent this weeks pocket money and not due the next lot until Monday but has asked if I can give her some money as she wants to go into town with her mates. I've said no. She has her bus pass, we have plenty of cans of coke/crisps/etc in the kitchen, help herself to that.

DD2 went horse riding yesterday plus I'm taking her and a friend to the cinema later so DD1 thinks I should give her the equivalent ££.

My argument is that I'm more than happy to pay for stuff like cinema tickets and activities that she wants to do, but I'm not handing out cash hand over fist to spend on chips and Starbucks in town

She obviously thinks I'm unfair, accusations that her sister is my favourite, etc, etc. but she seems to forget that she gets a set amount of pocket money, I've bought her a bus pass, plus I'll do stuff with her without DD2 (we're going for chocolate tapas next week while DD2 is at a friends house)

DD2's activities probably do cost a bit more, but there's absolutely nothing stopping DD1 from doing stuff

We're going round and round in circles and my head is about to explode

you can work before you are 16 and issued with a National Insurance Number and it is totally legal as long as H&S issues and age limits are met with any employment. As others have said, it obviously varies from place to place across the country whether work is available or not, but it is here.

and the 14 year old boys round here babysit too as well as the girls, as we know them and we know their parents, we are not using random strangers who put up postcards, we use teenagers who we have seen grow up and we are only down the road at the local pub or restaurant usually.

the lads also clean cars, walk dogs and mow lawns etc to get some extra money, but we do live in a rural area where everyone knows everyone else. A lot of them work in the pub or restaurant as waiters/waitresses too, or as kitchen porters washing up etc.

Might be worth considering translating your younger daughter's ad hoc spending money into a weekly amount to give some (age adjusted?) parity. That aside, I think £20 a week for your elder daughter is generous. Like you, I'd be happier funding activities rather than e.g. random food purchases (that said, I appreciate the point that meeting friends for coffee sounds quite appealing and could be seen as an activity/event).

I'm reading this as she has already had £20 do with as she wants(probably Starbucks, chips etc) she is now asking for more money to spend the same way, mum seems to be guiding her towards actually doing something with the money.
My dd 16 10 days ago gor given money, mostly cheques, cheques were banked, cash went into her purse. I'd say in the region of £80, just found its all gone and I'm furious for trusting her to be wise with it! She's bought nothing. A day out at the seaside with older ds and mooching around with friends. She's now asking me for money for the holidays. No way!!

There just aren't jobs round here for young teens. Paper rounds are passed down through families and all the seasonal jobs went to 16+

DH has his own business and offered her some extra if she went in and emptied bins/swept the workshop once a week but she didn't want to do it.

DD1 had horse riding lessons and stuff like that at 11, so she has had all that, she hasn't missed out on anything like that. She could still do it now if she wanted to, she chooses not to, so is it fair to say well, DD2 gets riding lessons

The £20 is just spends. I know stuff like the cinema is expensive so was happy to bung her a bit extra

Is she though? Did she get the riding lessons etc at 11 too? She's already had more spent on her, cumulatively, than the younger one. Look at the bigger picture.

More bollocks, so by the same token, DD2 in this scenario shouldn't get to do the horseriding when she is DD1s age as she never did that. Two different people, it doesn't have to be the same, but it should be fair. OP has given an update re the amount given which seems fair but it can be swings and roundabouts, maybe this week she will do more than next week.

All children are controlled, its what parents do. You wouldn't give your teen money for cigarettes, would you? If OP draws her lines at Starbucks, thats her choice.

Who is talking about giving her cash for fags? OP is not opposed to Starbucks, she has just decided that cinema = worthy activity and starbucks = non worthy. That's a bit arbitrary and unfair.

And once again with the flyers round the neighbourhood, because we'd all happily hand our house keys to a random teenager or have them sit our pets?

Another one who thinks the bus pass is irrelevant. If you live somewhere where she's not within walking distance of town/her friends/any social life, then I think you should pay for that anyway.

Was the £20 for a week or a month?

I also think it's unfair to treat the younger dd AND friend to the cinema and not give the older dd a fiver for a coffee and cake.

But what do I know? I have only one teenager, so no comparisons with siblings, and he's a boy and spends literally no money ever.

Would it be possible to revisit the idea of her working for DH now she has realised the harsh facts of life without spends?

I do think you are being a tiny bit unfair here but I have been through it all myself so I do understand how hard it is to get the balance between treating them fairly, and making sure they have a healthy respect for money.

Is there something she could do for you about the home that she could earn money for?

Bitcat is your mouth okay with all the trumpet blowing 😂😂😂😂

I think both kids should have the same money, If the 15 year old chooses to spend hers on crap then there's no more in the pot for her.
At 15 the amount of organised fun they want to have is minimal usually

She's adamant that she's not going to work with DH.

She may change her mind in a few weeks - she wants to go to Thorpe Park with a friend in a couple of weeks and other stuff like that so maybe earning a bit herself would be an idea.

DD2 won't be having a riding lesson or cinema trips every week - she's volunteering at the stables for the next few weeks and will get a hack FOC

Who is talking about giving her cash for fags? OP is not opposed to Starbucks, she has just decided that cinema = worthy activity and starbucks = non worthy. That's a bit arbitrary and unfair

It's called an analogy. You said that money should be given unconditionally, for the child to decide on what to spend it on. IF they wanted to spend it on fags and cider, is that ok? If not, then you don't actually mean unconditionally at all, you mean that YOU have different conditional rules to the OP.
She can decide what she thinks is worth her money. It's not arbitrary or unfair, its called parenting! I give my 12 year old pocket money, but they aren't allowed to buy energy drinks, for example. Is that arbitrary and unfair? And even if you think it is, why should I care, when its my money, my kid, and my decision?

There just aren't jobs round here for young teens. Paper rounds are passed down through families and all the seasonal jobs went to 16+

DH has his own business and offered her some extra if she went in and emptied bins/swept the workshop once a week but she didn't want to do it

So while there may not be jobs around for many teens, there is one made just for the OP's teen. Which she won't do. Why should OP keep giving her money if she won't work a bit for some?

My son is 15 and works in a cafe weekends and holidays virtually all his friends have jobs such as waiter, hotel porter, shop to name just a few completely normal to have a job at that age imo and it has given him a good work ethic for the future. He saves quite a bit but has splashed out on gadgets and designer clothes I wouldn't be able to afford.

No they don't, jojo, you must be imagining it same as me, some MN'ers say it categorically does not happen!

You said that money should be given unconditionally, for the child to decide on what to spend it on

Did I? when?

Of course I have different rules to the OP but then I'm not the one seeking views on it on an internet forum. I'd have a different answer if the question was "AIBU not to give DD1 money for fags and cider when I'm taking DD2 horseriding?" The question however was whether it was fair not to give DD1 money for going into town for starbucks when I'd happily give her the money for the cinema" OP is not opposed to either of those activities per se, just that she chooses to fund one above pocket money and not the other. That doesn't seem fair as OP is imposing her cotrol over two equally benign activities. Can you not see that that isn't the same thing as letting them do what ever they want?

I give my 12 year old pocket money, but they aren't allowed to buy energy drinks, That seems eminently sensible and I agree with you. However energy drinks are not a benign choice so a more comparable analogy would be saying they can buy fizzy orange but only Fanta and not Tango.

However energy drinks are not a benign choice so a more comparable analogy would be saying they can buy fizzy orange but only Fanta and not Tango

To you. Maybe OP doesn't think hanging around town and Starbucks is a benign choice compared to the cinema? Maybe she's got ideological problems with starbucks, maybe she doesn't like the people the dd meets there, maybe a hundred other things. Point is, her money, her kid, her choice.

YANBU at all not to give her more.
YABVU to tell her you would if she chose what you think she should enjoy.

Chocolate tapas?! Can I come??!

misses point of thread

OP has never indicated that she has a problem with the town and coffee shop per se, just that she feels it's a waste of money.

And yes it is her choice but clearly she wasn't sure if she was making the correct one so asked for views - I really don't get what your problem is?

Is it your eldest that's 12 or do you actually have teenagers?

Well, I'm away to chase my teenagers out the door with a couple of quid for the shop at the park. ...and they haven't even spent their pocket money yet.

I think at 15 kids should be able to spend on whatever is legal (so not fags and cider but yes to frittering it away on Starbucks if they choose).

Op - do you know how much you are spending on each DD? I think you should do a budget for the summer for both girls. This will show you what you're spending, ensure both get roughly equal even if it's spent very differently and also let them see how much you spend on them. It sounds loads and if you can show it on paper and work out how many minimum wage hours it equates to they should find that illuminating!

My mum tried to dictate what I spent pocket money on at 14 and 15, going mad when I'd buy a CD with 5 of my 10 quid. I have never forgotten the resentment. 12 is not 15.

Is it your eldest that's 12 or do you actually have teenagers?

I have a teen too, but nice try at putting me down.

It was a question not a put down. It's surprisingly common for people to give views on the teenage board and then you find out their eldest child is 4.

I'm not trying to put anyone down. I just find it a bit odd sometimes when people put weird rules down for their teens and then wonder why the teen seems angry and resentful and doesn't want to do stuff with them.

All I'm trying to say is that try putting yourself in their shoes now and then and don't take a stand on stuff just for the sake of it. Keep within your general rules and morals, but actually take a step back and think about whether what you are doing is fair or reasonable or not. Sometimes a little give and take, the same as you would with a colleague, friend or relative, goes a long way in building a respectful relationship.

Chocolate tapas sounds good. Never heard of it before!

My mum tried to dictate what I spent pocket money on at 14 and 15,

But I haven't dictated where she can spend her pocket money.

She's already spent her £20 pocket money on what she wanted to do with it - mooch round town buying chips and Starbucks.

She wants me to give her more money.

I will give her the extra £10 this week to even it up to DD's spends. We would have given her some money over the weekend anyway.

We always said the £20 was just for spends, we'd give her extra if she wanted to do a particular activity and I think that's fine to be honest.

She used to ride so if she wanted a hack, or cinema or something like that then I don't mind giving her extra, I am not giving her extra to spend on crap