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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

and unfair re pocket money/paying for activities during the school holidays?

183 replies

Ellybellyboo · 29/07/2016 11:04

I have 2 daughters - 1 is nearly 15, the other is 11.

DD1 and I are currently in discussion over the fairness of pocket/spending money and paying for activities during the school holidays.

DD1 gets some pocket money, I've bought her a bus pass for the holidays and I've said that I'm happy to pay for activities that she wants to do.

DD2 tends to get money as and when she needs it, plus she has some hobbies which we've booked and paid for some extras over the holidays (a water sports day/horse riding, etc).

DD1 has spent this weeks pocket money and not due the next lot until Monday but has asked if I can give her some money as she wants to go into town with her mates. I've said no. She has her bus pass, we have plenty of cans of coke/crisps/etc in the kitchen, help herself to that.

DD2 went horse riding yesterday plus I'm taking her and a friend to the cinema later so DD1 thinks I should give her the equivalent ££.

My argument is that I'm more than happy to pay for stuff like cinema tickets and activities that she wants to do, but I'm not handing out cash hand over fist to spend on chips and Starbucks in town

She obviously thinks I'm unfair, accusations that her sister is my favourite, etc, etc. but she seems to forget that she gets a set amount of pocket money, I've bought her a bus pass, plus I'll do stuff with her without DD2 (we're going for chocolate tapas next week while DD2 is at a friends house)

DD2's activities probably do cost a bit more, but there's absolutely nothing stopping DD1 from doing stuff

We're going round and round in circles and my head is about to explode

OP posts:
chaplin1409 · 29/07/2016 12:29

I am another mother who hates handing money out just for them to hang around town. I would not give her any more money for that as she will just think she will get more when she asks and will just waste it. Maybe next week now she will be a bit more careful with it.
It's hard to give them all the same amount of money if one is doing activities for me anyway. I have 2 that go away a lot so have to pay for that and could never afford to give the younger 2 the same amount of money but they will do the same when they get older so over there years works out.

The theory of giving them identical money does not work unless they do similar things in my opinion anyway.

bitemyshinymetalass · 29/07/2016 12:31

BITCAT- you are talking rubbish, you know!

Her own experience is rubbish? Not very nice.

BertrandRussell · 29/07/2016 12:32

Do you not remember being a 15 year old? Hanging around with friends is wonderful!

ChicRock · 29/07/2016 12:34

YANBU.

Your DD1 doesn't need money to hang around in town with her friends, there's nothing stopping her, she has a bus pass, she has food and drinks at home that she can take with her.

She's spent this week's pocket money, it might teach her to budget a bit better next week.

bitemyshinymetalass · 29/07/2016 12:34

Do you not remember being a 15 year old? Hanging around with friends is wonderful!

I remember working, drinking in the park, having sex, smoking lots of pot, and going to gigs. And school!
Yes, I thought it was wonderful, doubt I would think so as the parent though!

BertrandRussell · 29/07/2016 12:36

"BITCAT- you are talking rubbish, you know!

Her own experience is rubbish? Not very nice."

Her own experience may not be rubbish. But her depiction of a world where people are happy to pay 14 year olds to babysit, and jobs for 14/15 year olds are there for the taking is!

My 15 has a particular skill that means he can earn money, but most of his friends have tried and failed to find work- apart from the few who have family businesses they can work in.

PNGirl · 29/07/2016 12:36

How much was this week's pocket money and what did she spend it on if she has run out?

Can you not give it to her now but say it's an advance?

OlennasWimple · 29/07/2016 12:36

I see your DD's point: she wants to hang out with her friends, not have a Coke at home from the fridge. But is told no more money while her sister trots off to riding lessons Hmm

Scuttle22 · 29/07/2016 12:37

I've just given my 15 year £15 to go into town get lunch I do it 2-3 times a week. I am happy for her to be out and about when I'm busy so she's not moping around. She does walk the dog every day for an hour and babysit younger children if I pop to shop etc.

I would also pay on top for cinema etc clothes and phone.

harshbuttrue1980 · 29/07/2016 12:39

All the discussion about whether or not 14 year olds can find jobs is irrelevant, as it is clear that some can and some can't, probably depending on where they live. What seems clear though is that the OP's daughter isn't even attempting to find one. If I was the OP, I'd be more likely to give extra cash to a child who is trying to find a job and hasn't managed, rather than one who thinks I'm a cashpoint.

BertrandRussell · 29/07/2016 12:39

Oh yes, I forgot that on mumsnet all teenagers ever want to do is either take part in some activity to international level or get drunk and have sex.

Viviennemary · 29/07/2016 12:39

I don't think you need to give her the equivalent. But I don't see why she can't have money to go to town with her friends. You say she spent all her money quickly. Depends on how much money you're talking about. I don't think it's fair that one child gets money when she needs it but the other has a fixed amount. You need to be more flexible IMHO. But depends on how wasteful DD1 is. If she's frittering away money on rubbish and then wanting more the next day then obviously this isn't on.

WankersHacksandThieves · 29/07/2016 12:41

So OPs daughter should stand outside the coffee shop eating her crisps and drinking her can from home while her friends are inside?

You shouldn't judge all teens by what you did, I am sure OP knows her child well enough to gauge whether she is meeting up in town to hang with friends or is heading to the corner shop to tap up some adult to buy her cheap cider and drugs...

Anyway, as I said before. I'd be glad if my child wanted to go out and do stuff, ok, it's not the formal activity that you'd prefer but it seems very controlling. Set her a budget per week that includes what you'd happily spend for activities for her on top of her pocket money, if she chooses the coffee shop over the cinema or swimming pool then fine, but when the money is gone then she needs to wait for the next instalment. I don't think you need to calculate out so they have exactly the same.

bitemyshinymetalass · 29/07/2016 12:42

Her own experience may not be rubbish. But her depiction of a world where people are happy to pay 14 year olds to babysit, and jobs for 14/15 year olds are there for the taking is!

Except people ARE very happy to pay 14 year olds to babysit! Just because you don't know about it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

WhatTheActualFugg · 29/07/2016 12:42

I'm normally very harsh on the teenagers on these threads, but actually I would probably give DD1 a bit more money because at her age, hanging out with her friends is an activity.

But I would be very strict on her needing to do her own weekly budgeting.

Scuttle22 · 29/07/2016 12:43

My DD was mature enough to babysit our children at 14 and I was not at all worried she wouldn't cope.

WhatTheActualFugg · 29/07/2016 12:46

jobs for 14/15 year olds are there for the taking is!

Do teenagers not go to local cafes/hairdressers/shops/building sites asking for weekend/summer jobs anymore?!

When I was 13 I got myself a Saturday job washing and sweeping at the local hairdressers.

My friend had a job waitressing at a department store restaurant.

My brother spent the summer labouring on a building site when he was 16.

Am I that old?! Shock

witsender · 29/07/2016 12:46

The way people are talking here you would think the kid was 24 not 14. Jobs are super hard to come by at the moment, especially if you are underage. Very few people get papers delivered now, hairdressers only need so many sweepers and very few people will leave their kids with an inexperienced 14 yr old thatvtheu don't know. And the people who do know her...how often do they go out?! I don't know anyone who uses a babysitter, even infrequently.

When I was growing up I didn't know anyone who had a job at 14, especially able to click their fingers and find one. 16 was more normal.

As for the OP, I would work out how much you spend on the younger one and compare it to bus pass, pocket money. If they are close, show her. If one is more than the other, even it up a little, an extra fiver a week. Give her a couple of extra jobs round the house if it makes you feel better.

WankersHacksandThieves · 29/07/2016 12:46

...and betrand and I don't always agree but I am totally with her in this case.

And people wonder why teenagers are angry and disaffected when we fail to treat them like a human being in our own homes. Yes, we all have different budgets and rules, but I'm with OPs daughter on this, she is being treated unfairly and controlled.

LittleReindeerwithcloggson · 29/07/2016 12:47

I would give vouchers instead of activities. Starbucks/Costa voucher, primark, cinema etc. Fair amount to last the summer holidays. When it's gone it's gone - no more. Gives independence but also some control where it's spent.

bitemyshinymetalass · 29/07/2016 12:49

I don't know anyone who uses a babysitter, even infrequently

Thats a bit depressing. No-one you know ever goes anywhere?

I'm with OPs daughter on this, she is being treated unfairly and controlled

Not getting money handed to you whenever you want for whatever you want is being badly treated and controlled? Actual LOL. If you think thats an excuse for being angry and disaffected,thats bizarre.

BertrandRussell · 29/07/2016 12:50

"Do teenagers not go to local cafes/hairdressers/shops/building sites asking for weekend/summer jobs anymore?!"
Yes they do. And are told "No". Or, if they are lucky, "Try again when you're 16"

MajesticWhine · 29/07/2016 12:50

I think YABU. Give her a decent weekly or monthly amount and let her decide what she wants to do with it. At that age she should decide, rather than you deciding oh, it's the cinema that is worthy of a handout. And maybe she can earn a bit more for doing some chores for you.

FayaMAMA · 29/07/2016 12:51

Hmm, this is a tricky one.

On one hand, you need to stick to your rules and the designated amount of money per-week as agreed, however to a 15 year old just wandering around town and getting Starbucks IS an activity - just as much as going to the cinema. So I see why she finds it unfair. If you're happy to fund her activities if they're more structured, I don't personally see a problem with funding a trip into town.

My 15 year old sister has a Saturday job sweeping hair at a salon, whatever she earns my parents match (they've always done this with each of my siblings) - I think it's quite a good way to encourage they earn their own money without having to be so disheartened at earning £3 an hour... It's pretty difficult to find these jobs now though, I believe.

witsender · 29/07/2016 12:52

It isn't in the slightest bit depressing. You're assuming that all fun has to be had without kids?! If my best friend wanted to go out with her husband she would ask me. We wouldn't ask a random 14 yr old with a card up in the post office window.