To think having a happy and genuine marriage is rare?

[Yummymummy30s]

I personally don't know any couples who are genuinely happy.

One couple I know have both had numerous affairs, got caught and separated and got back together yet on Facebook are a big happy family. I think it happens a fair bit.

Other couples I know are unhappy but won't leave because either:
A) not bad enough
B) financially not viable
C) desire to keep the family 'together' too strong
D) think this is as good as it gets

On these boards you read about couples where one partner is abusive. There is physical and sexual abuse but also emotional and financial abuse which is even more common. Many people in these type of relationships don't even realise they are in an abusive relationship.

Then there are the couples who are happy but are unknowingly living a lie. Undiscovered mistresses, prostutute visits, flings with exes. Hidden sexuality or other secrets such as secret children, gambling addiction, drug addiction or other deception.

I am single and my main relationships have ended due to infidelity or ea.

We are told that a third of marriages end in divorce but how many of the remainder are happy marriages?

We generally have a happy marriage but both come from divorced parents and lots of affairs so OP do know what you are talking about. My DH is fiercely loyal and takes fidelity and loyalty very very seriously, I'm genuinely not kidding myself here either- he has high morals, faith, commitments to us and is disgusted when we hear of friends cheating etc. We do row, maybe 1 fairly biggie once a week, but we are incredibly open and share everything and both have very strong opinions while being sensitive too.
We always make up (he almost always says sorry, I'm awful at it). I'd prefer this any day to couples who don't row but don't really communicate either- which I think is as worrying as having affairs - how can you live with someone you don't really know? That's creepy...

We're not perfect, I don't think any relationship is, but know I'm very very hard to be with and get so iririated by others so easily, so am very lucky to have what we do.

I think our generation is a bit of a shift TBH.

We've moved on from the times when you stayed in a marriage for better or worse. It's now acceptable to divorce if things are worse and overall I think this is a good thing.

Where we haven't quite caught up (and I hope our children's generation will) is in choosing who to marry. A lot of the time we still go by old conventions and older wisdom. Like marriage being a next logical step in a relationship that has been going for a few years. I don't think we've learned to use dating as a kind of interview for marriage - we just tend to stick with a person at random until they become too unbearable. There's still a lot of stigma in being single and a fear that if we don't snap someone up quick enough 'all the good ones will be gone'.

I do see a lot of unsatisfying or unhealthy marriages but I think it will change, it's just changing too slowly as we keep repeating older relationship advice which is not appropriate for the situation now.

DH and I have been together 10 years, married for half that. I appreciate it's a much younger relationship than most here, but I would say we are happy. We have been through a lot in that short time, and we have worked through it together. There have been times I've thought DH was going to leave, but he hasn't, for which I am very thankful. DH has been away so much I'm sure he's had plenty of opportunity to cheat, but I 100% trust that he hasn't.
No relationship is sunshine and unicorns all the time. I am suspicious of any couple who says they never argue!
I know of no couple that appears to be truly unhappy, but that doesn't mean they aren't. No one knows what happens behind closed doors. Although, saying that, I do sometimes wonder why PIL are still together. They fight all the time, making the atmosphere very uncomfortable! They've been together 30 odd years though, so it can't be all that bad!

We've been married for 20 years, DH is the best man I know. He is kind, generous, loving and the funniest person - we spend so much time laughing. DD is growing up to be just like him . Our parents were all married from a young age until they died, and were very happy. All of our siblings are in happy stable marriages, and my closet friends are all in stable relationships (some happier than others, but not many big arguments or fallings-out that I'm aware of). We may all be incredibly lucky, but I also think that as some of us didn't marry until late twenties/early thirties perhaps we had all the crap relationships early on and knew what we didn't want in a partner (certainly that was true for me).

I love DH dearly and we have been together for 14 years, married for 13. I will say I am happy a lot of the time. However he has had an affair and I have had an emotional affair with an ex. We have talked about it and seem to have decided after the fact they were not worth it. The grass always looks greener till you get there.

Having said that, we are having major issues with money after his redundancy and me becoming the breadwinner. He is depressed and drinks and smokes a lot more than he used to.
He still makes me laugh though and I can't imagine my life without him. It would be like cutting an arm off. I will not function normally.

I know a lot of people will read this and say its pretty strange and even doubt the "happy" part of it. But I just wanted to show the situation overall. It's pretty shitty some of the time but happy other times. When its shitty its because something else is going on with money, kids, health etc. But at the times when we haven't had these problems we have been very happy.

I haven't got a perfect marriage

Nor do I have one thats always happy

Because dh and I are people with feelings that are not always happy.

When my mother died last year no our marriage was not happy. I was grieving and sad dh tried his best to comfort me but knew from when he lost his father this is a grief only you can work your way through.

Overall though we have a good marriage I love him I know he loves me. We are getting to the point where our children are teenagers and more independent so we are rediscovering our partnership on a different level of just parents. Thats a interesting journey in itself.

to take your list

A It isnt bad Most of the time its actually pretty good. (its not when life events like death happens but that is life)
B Financially I could afford to live alone / with the children as could dh
C I grew up in a divorced family result was a loving step family as well so for me that doesnt fly. divorce doesnt = bad all the time
D if this is " as good as it gets" I am happy with life.

I have a good and happy marriage

(Dh might not

been together for 30 years in december and married for 26 in october

We have only had one period of unhappiness in the marriage (i am excluding family deaths as it just meant that we were unhappy...not the marriage) and that was due to dh having a very bad time at work

I thinks omen people have very good marriages but these are most likely outwayed by bAd marriages.
I am always amazed by how many people I hear/ see speak to their oh like dirt. Has this person come to accept this as normal?

It's so much easier to look from the outside and observe the shitty behaviour people dish out on their spouse.

I don't think a good marriage is about compromise and rows.
The absolute best times are with people with whom you don't have to compromise or row with. I have a few very good friends and we are that close because we think the same and want the same therefore no rowing or compromising takes place.

I agree that older generations tolerated a lot more. Lots of elderly people I've spoken to were beaten and abused by their husband but remained married. 2 of my new deceased relatives lost their homes because of their husbands gambling away the money.
I don't believe anyone would say tolerate that but to the outside world they appeared to be happy.

I don't think a good marriage is about compromise and rows.

Are you (or have you ever been) in a long term relationship? It's impossible to always agree with your partner. You're setting yourself for a really hard time if you don't think good relationships involve any compromise. It doesn't need to involve rows. Being able to disagree well, resolve it and forget about it is definitely of part of a good happy marriage. Obviously if you agree on nothing at all that's an issue but it's totally unrealistic to think you'll never have to compromise with your significant other.

I met my DH 25 years ago.

We knew we wanted to be together then and we still do.

We know lots of happy couples. A few unhappy ones, but most who weren't happy got divorced.

Purple - I was with my ex h for 25 years.
Just because you have a difference of opinion does or should not lead to a row.

Rowing and constant compromise do not constitute happiness in my book. How can it?

I don't intend to live with anyone else unless they bring happiness and joy into my life. They also have to fit in with my family.

I read that what makes you truly happy is the male/ female version of yourself. That's what I'm looking for.
Quite happy to chat/ date men who aren't that but won't live with them or marry them.

My marriage ended when I was the one doing all the compromising btw.

Happiness is under-reported - who would start a thread about "why my husband is awesome"?

I have a good, committed, happy marriage (8 years) - we have dealt with some difficult issues (financial primarily) but we're good. Having a happy marriage doesn't protect you from bad stuff happening but gives you a way of working it out.

Where did I say rowing followed compromise? You also didn't mention constant compromise or one person always doing the compromising.

You can have a perfectly happy healthy relationship even if you don't always agree. Dh and I hardly ever row-literally two or three times in ten years. We compromise a lot because we don't always agree on what to do on the weekend, where to go on holiday, whether to have Indian or Chinese for tea or how much to spend on a new car. That's just life isn't it?

My family is statistically weird for this. My Granny and Grandfather had a (seemingly) very happy marriage. Their four children (including my mum and dad) are all happily married to their first spouses (they've all been married 40 years plus now).

Those 4 children gave them 10 grandchildren, all so far happily married to their first spouses and all with children. It can't possibly continue surely! There are 19 great-grandchildren so far from 6 months - 10 years old. Lets see how the next 30 years or so pan out!

I'm 95% sure my marriage is happy and honest. No affairs, no abuse, full, mutual respect, love and affection. It's not perfect - we snipe at each other when tired and have sex about 4 times a year - but I can't imagine being happier with anybody else, and I'm sure he feels the same.

Purple you highlighted the sentence:
I don't think a good marriage is about compromise and rows.

I will repeat again I personally would never say a marriage was good were compromise and rows were a large part of it. Either you agree with this statement or you don't. It's that simple. But I really don't care what you think, I know what my boundaries are.

I do not have to tolerate crap because I am not married. I am financially independent, have lots of good friends have a loving family beautiful children, I do all my own chores including the decorating and gardening and can please myself what I do and don't do.

When I go somewhere there is no compromise because I go with like minded people. That's why our friendship endures.

I can have a man, I get lots of attention but I won't settle down unless I know it's right.
Now I'm older I don't need a man, I'll have a man when I want one and to do things We both want to do.

I have much respect for couple within happy marriages. Several of my friends have great marriages. The common factor is their husbands adore them. They never disrespect them. They never ever speak to them the way I hear some men and women speak and good for them.

I've been married 30 years this year, I was 18 when I got married and DH was 21. We grew up together really. We've faced a shit load of storms in that time especially with deaths and it only brought us closer. I know DH adores me and I him.

Whilst i dont want a marriage full of rows how is any relationship not cemented by compromise? Where shall we eat? A glass or a bottle? Ibiza or France?

I have a very happy marriage. We had no role models in terms of long term successful relationships and neither of us are particularly special so I don't think it can be that unusual

I come from a family of happy marriages. Grandparents were blissfully happy, and a total partnership beyond what was typical for that generation (gender roles etc.) their four children, including my mum, all have very happy, lovely marriages: my parents are still madly in love after 26 years. I have been the exception and