Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think having a happy and genuine marriage is rare?

171 replies

Yummymummy30s · 28/07/2016 20:05

I personally don't know any couples who are genuinely happy.

One couple I know have both had numerous affairs, got caught and separated and got back together yet on Facebook are a big happy family. I think it happens a fair bit.

Other couples I know are unhappy but won't leave because either:
A) not bad enough
B) financially not viable
C) desire to keep the family 'together' too strong
D) think this is as good as it gets

On these boards you read about couples where one partner is abusive. There is physical and sexual abuse but also emotional and financial abuse which is even more common. Many people in these type of relationships don't even realise they are in an abusive relationship.

Then there are the couples who are happy but are unknowingly living a lie. Undiscovered mistresses, prostutute visits, flings with exes. Hidden sexuality or other secrets such as secret children, gambling addiction, drug addiction or other deception.

I am single and my main relationships have ended due to infidelity or ea.

We are told that a third of marriages end in divorce but how many of the remainder are happy marriages?

OP posts:
BeckyMcDonald · 28/07/2016 20:25

I have a genuinely wonderful marriage. All of my siblings do too, and my three best friends. Out of my very large extended family there's been one abusive marriage which ended in divorce (one out of maybe 25 marriages?) We're very Catholic. Not sure if that makes any difference or not.

I think you might be spending too much time on the relationships board OP Smile

mum2Bomg · 28/07/2016 20:25

We have a very happy marriage. We were friends before we got together so we know each other very well.

Atinybittiredandsad · 28/07/2016 20:25

He's been my best mate for the last 35 years and we have been through some really tough shir, especially in the last 10 years. We love each other to bits though.

My closest friends all have happy marriages

PurpleDaisies · 28/07/2016 20:27

We're very happy. It's boring and smug to talk about it, so we don't. Smile. You're not getting a representative sample if you're relying on people to tell you they're still very happily married. People also like to whinge about small things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things.

junebirthdaygirl · 28/07/2016 20:27

Out of a big circle of friends only one couple split because of affair. There is no physical violence. One friends dh drinks a bit too much in my opinion but they do a lot together and she seems happy. All married 28 to 30 years. We ourselves have had a fair share of difficulties mostly to do with sickness and the subsequent stress but have made it through and are happy and close now.

Haroldplaystheharmonica · 28/07/2016 20:30

We've been together for 17 years, married for 15 and are amazingly happy. We can be loving, daft, serious together and have never had a huge argument in the time we've been together.

Of all our close friends, say 10 couples, all are happy and there has been no infidelity, no divorce or separation and no issues that cause arguments over and over again. Maybe we're all lucky but I do feel like there are as many happy couples as there are unhappy ones. The happy ones just feel bad going on about it!

monkeymamma · 28/07/2016 20:30

"I love you more every day. Except yesterday. Yesterday you fucked me right off."

insancerre · 28/07/2016 20:31

I've been married nearly 20 years and m very happy
It's not an abusive relationship
Neither of us has had affairs or used prostitutes
We are not together for the children because they are not children anymore

Mari50 · 28/07/2016 20:31

YABU - and I had a rubbishy marriage that ended with infidelity.
The majority of my good friends have lovely marriages and while I realise you can't really know what goes on behind closed doors, I know my friends well enough to see they have made good choices and are very content. No cheating or abuse or other unpleasantness at all.

Oblomov16 · 28/07/2016 20:32

I don't know any marriages like you describe.
I know 20 couples: close friends, sil's etc. I don't know for sure but I don't think any of them have been unfaithful, none of them dislike eachother.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 28/07/2016 20:32

My marriage is the best thing I ever did. It started in 1980 so it's been good value so far Grin Just asked DH and he says the same. We're both happy and happy to be with each other. We have friends who are similar and friends who've divorced too.

We might bicker now and then, but don't row and really enjoy each others' company still. We have a lot of fun and laugh all the time. I wouldn't swap our marriage for anything.

I think on a site like this you're inevitably going to hear the sad stories because posters look for help, advice and support whereas if you're ok you don't post about that as a rule.

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 28/07/2016 20:33

Out of all the married people I know, 2 couples divorced, all others are very happy.
In our 30s, married for about 10y

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/07/2016 20:34

I don't know. I'm happy; I hope DH is. But I have two close friends getting divorced from their H's right now, another who wants to leave and can't. My best mate seems very happy. And a a few others I think are. I've been divorced though so I suppose I'd only count as 50% anyway!

PurpleDaisies · 28/07/2016 20:35

I'm the same living, but we only have one divorce between us.

redhat · 28/07/2016 20:36

I'm in a genuinely happy marriage. DH is my BF and I still fancy the pants off him. We cuddle all the time and tell each other that we love one other every day.

I do have lots of friends who are not happy though.

mrsmonnster · 28/07/2016 20:36

My marriage of nearly 35 year is extremely happy . Never once considered leaving him but thought of killing him on numerous occasions ( mainly snoring related!) .

Merimum · 28/07/2016 20:37

I think we have a great marriage, my dh isn't perfect, but then neither am I. But we have a great partnership and a lot of respect for each other and he's an awesome father, which has meant I love him more now than I did when we first got together. I think most of my friend's are happy enough, no abuse/infidelity issues, but would probably be a lot happier if their husbands pulled their weight a bit more.

Fortitudine · 28/07/2016 20:38

Not married but have been together 30 years. We've had our moments but I'd say we're pretty happy. A friend informed us Lat week that his marriage was on the rocks and it was a real shock. It made us stop and think that out of friends and relatives we are one of only a handful of couples who have lasted. The vast majority have divorced. I hugged DP really hard when we realised that.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 28/07/2016 20:40

I'm happily married. I think my DH is happy too.
We have had maybe 3 rows 30 years.

( I echo the above poster re killing him at 3am when he snores)

Laska5772 · 28/07/2016 20:42

We are l/t and happy :

Ours is just like carlgrimes says hers is.. I can talk to my DH about anything. we dont always agree , but are happy to respect our differences .

We reckon it works because we are the 'Same kind of Weird'..

Have been together 25 years , married 10,

Both from families with many LT marriages , and have several friends also L/T marriages , as far as I know they are all happy.... they all seem to believe that being to be on the same 'team' is the main thing..

I reckon its all about communication/ respect , trust and both of us having similar (but realistic ) expectations of the relationship , A similar approach to money, and direction wed like to go in is important .. as well as being realistic about what we can acheive, I think..

Was a 2nd 'big' relationship for both of us , we both have grown up DCs ( one each) froma previous time and DGCs now also . Its not always been plain sailing , but we have always committed to talking/ working together.. and accepting that our DCs from both relationships were now just as much our joint family as if they were both our own.

(He's stil quite fit too - despite being a 'baldy git' these days ! -and im not such a terrible old bag, he says! )

pleasemothermay1 · 28/07/2016 20:42

No one is happy all the time

My husband is messy and let's the kids runs wild when he looks after them

However were OK

PaniWahine · 28/07/2016 20:43

I'm genuinely married to my best friend, he's not perfect but he's perfect for me. When I think of some of the men I dated in my teens and early twenties, I think how lucky I was not to settle for a "so, so" relationship. We dated long distance for five years and celebrated five years of marriage. Most of my family have divorced (including great grandparents), so I never expected to have a partner that I wanted to live with, let alone marry but I really do count my blessings every day and I have no regrets, I'd marry him again in an instant.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 28/07/2016 20:43

Nobody sane is happy all the time. I've been married for over 20 years and most of the time I'm glad to be married to MrZ. I do, however, reserve the right to murder him in a slow and agonising way if he says "Do you want me to put the dishes away for you?" one more time.

chough · 28/07/2016 20:43

Oh, motherofdragons, I've just left the t- rex in Asda thread, as my bladder control was being compromised, and you've set me off again.

namelessboy · 28/07/2016 20:43

I don't recognise the sort of marriages you mention in your OP. We're happily married (10 years, together 15) and as far as i know all of our friends seem to be too. One friend had a sort of "is this it" type wobble but they seem to be working through it.

I agree with pp that people tend to talk about the negative rather than positive. It would be unbelievably smug to randomly announce how happy we are Grin, whereas if we were having problems I'd talk to friends/family for support