AIBU re behaviour at Funerals

[Cutecat78]

Went to funeral today - someone in their late 40s.

Firstly I think we seriously need to build some bigger Crems, the last few I have been to has had a tiny room for the service and congregation pouring out the doors and people standing in the aisles.

There were a lot of younger people there who were dressed as if about to go clubbing (dress code was black) like play suits and thigh high boots, loads of cleavage, see through dresses etc. I am not a prude by ANY means but I dunno it just seemed a bit disrespectful. There was also someone with a baby that while good cried through a song that was played and through some of the eulogy - if it had been me I would have gone outside to calm her down.

They at the bun fight we drive into the car park to some of the younger guests performing "doughnuts" in the gravel car park.

I dunno am I just being an old bastard who should lighten up a bit or what? Just made me feel a bit

Ah, one of my early threads was an aibu about funerals - I was ripped to shreds
Feeling for you, OP!
and I don't think you are BU

Some people have no sense of occasion my cousin was wanting to wear a white lacy dress to her friends wedding and couldn't understand why we were all saying not to

she went ahead she got a shittty text from the maid of Houner after the wedding and no one is speaking to her

These days people feel it's there right to dress how they wish regardless of the occasion

LucyDogz

Some poeple carry water bottles because they need them.

I agree that acres of cleavage and skirts half way up ones arse are inappropriate for a funeral, but other than that I'm fairly easy. I went to an aunts funeral a couple of years ago. I grew up in a mining town in the Midlands which probably typifies the middle class assumptions of chavvy on here. But the people are warm, respectful and generally honourable. Many of my aunt's neighbours and especially their children turned up in their darkest track suit or shell suit, and all took off their black baseball caps as they entered the crem. Should I have belittled their loss because of what they were wearing? No, my aunt was a very popular woman and all those who attended showed their esteem for her as best they could.

I am not surprised that you expected better from people I think that some people have no idea how to dress for things like funerals.

My son (16) bought a suit last year for the school prom and he will be wearing it again to my cousin's wedding but someone in the shop actually asked him if he had a court appearance or a job interview as if there was no other reason for a young man to buy a suit.

On the subject of children at funerals, when my GD died and my DS was 3 I didn't take him to the funeral but when my Nan died and he was 6 I did take him.

Ah, one of my early threads was an aibu about funerals - I was ripped to shreds grin Feeling for you, OP! and I don't think you are BU

And there you have it OP. BeyondBeyondBeyondBeyondBeyond had a bad experience when talking about a funeral on AIBU but has managed to keep smiling through.

Perhaps you can take the rough and tumble of AIBU and that's what you were searching for, rather than the more meaningful and sensitive analysis of the confusing feelings that grief and bereavement expose that the Bereavement forum offers.

In that spirit, I do think YABU.

I think the children issue is a cultural

Thing my dh is Irish and I am balck and children would be expected to come not only that at West Indian funerals children would even be expected to view the body at the family home

I rember taking my son up to see his gran before tbh he just thought nanny was sleeping my friend was shocked but is West Indian culture this is not

At my gran's funeral a couple of the other grandchildren were chewing gum.
Quite upset me tbh.
I think there is a time for respect and formality, just turning up doesn't cut it in my book.

Yeah OP you keep talking about this funeral you went to. It's a bit weird. Have you not go a MIL to tell us about?

I agree with you on all counts OP *except size of crem). People should have some decorum. If people must take a baby, then you have to take them out if they cry. The size of the crem is a tricky one - they cant really justify the cost of a vast building when so few funerals need it. That said, all crems I have been to do have more than one room, with different sizes.

limitedperiodonly

Not sure what your issue is. I am not hurting anyone, this is an anonymous forum.

If it's a subject that you are sensitive about don't open it and read it.

Stop trying to analyse things that aren't here.

swisswank

I have had 3 MILS

Maybe the immediate family were happy with the baby there????

I'm not sensitive and it seems that you aren't either. Whoever this person was to you, she's dead now, so chances are these people won't cross your path for a while. If they upset you so much, perhaps decline the invitation and send flowers.

And what if the baby belongs to the bereaved, and they don't want to miss the funeral to take them outside?

You can add all sorts of "What ifs" but at the end of the day, IMO, there should not be a crying baby in a funeral service. The parent of the baby does not trump the right of everyone else who is there to grieve and to listen.

Erm - thanks for the advice limitedperiodonly ...?

You can add all sorts of "What ifs" but at the end of the day, IMO, there should not be a crying baby in a funeral service. The parent of the baby does not trump the right of everyone else who is there to grieve and to listen

You could, but its a simple question. So in your opinion, I should have left my own mothers funeral to take baby DD outside when she cried a bit, and missed it? I think as the parent of that baby, and the child (and if you like, principal mourner) of the deceased, I'd say I did in fact trump the right of everyone else at that funeral.

Would you disagree?

bite

As a member of immediate family I agree IMO it would be fine for you to have crying baby.

At my Grans funeral we took the kids out for the sake of everyone else and my dad was giving us evils.

When my parents funerals both happened when I had very small dc, other people looked after them during the service - that's what everybody I know would do if they had to attend a funeral with a baby. You don't have to miss it yourself, but everybody else at the funeral needs to be able to hear it.

someone can be Scottish from an Irish catholic family

The Scottish city I live in had a huge Irish immigrant population which started in the 1840s, during the years of the potato famines, they've stayed, hence the Scottish Irish Catholic thing

At the funeral of a relative who had died unexpectedly in his early 20s, family members mostly wore formal attire and his friends dressed more casually, but wore dark colours. This seemed about right to me, and it was very touching to see how many of his friends had made the effort to attend.

Regarding the room size, where there is a choice, close family members will usually base their judgement on cost, and upon the number of mourners they think will attend. Sometimes they will get it wrong and are surprised when unexpected mourners wish to pay their respects.

So yes YABU to criticise.

Oh and at the above funeral we took DD, then aged 3. Because everyone she had ever spent any time with was also at the funeral. Now I would have removed her if I had needed to, and deliberately sat at the end of a row so that I could, but I don't get the posts saying you leave DC with other people. Sometimes it isn't an option.

I completely agree about room sizing, surely crematoria can use room screening more creatively. They bloody charge enough for a double slot, you'd think they could spring for bi-fold doors.

As to dress code, I love one and yearn to go to a funeral a la Alexis Colby with hat and sunglasses. But I can't judge others if their taste is more Forever 21, particularly if they are young.

But to agree with Mrs D, competitive mourning does my swede in. Why would you, girlfriend of two months of distant cousin sob hysterically from hearse arrival to coffin curtains closing other than to call attention to your silly self?? Just stop it.

I would have had the doughnutters executed though alongside any wanker with a phone not on silent.

People send out invitations to funerals??

Ah thank you for explaining the "competitive mourning"